Biscous Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 This is a weird question for me because there's so many elements to it. I've been talking to this girl the past few weeks and we had a date. It was better than expected and we spent a few hours together. Great! I have to go out of town because of a heart issue with my father. He later dies. The thing is about his death is that it reminds me what I want in a partner. I saw how he loved my mother and I want that. Honestly, I may be in haste at the moment, but I feel the new girl I met exemplifies those qualities. I've had a slew of bad dates and now a really good one. So what I'm saying is I want to still talk to this girl while grieving. She did tell me "Please take all the time you need to heal. There's no rush" She tells me that I need to take my alone time to heal. She's right. How have you all grieved while potentially starting a new budding relationship? Should I just back off for a while for my own sake?
preraph Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 You should not pursue her and talk to her about this because you've only met once. You should do your mourning and whatever family business there is and get settled again before you start dating because you will be emotional and too much so for new people and also too vulnerable. Already you have said how it's affecting you. It's great that your dad was a good man and loved your mom, but you can't just go foist that onto a new person because you're raw and reactive from his death. I'm so sorry you lost your father. Please do the sensible thing and take at least a few weeks so you don't get ahead of yourself and scare this woman you've met once off. Tell her you'll want to see her in a few weeks and not to go anywhere. 3
Lobouspo Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 My condolences on your loss. OP, I'm currently seeing someone and my dad was just diagnosed with cancer. I really like this woman, but sometimes wonder if facing my father's mortality has left me vulnerable to unhealthy emotional attachment in some way. Maybe subconsciously the prospect of losing him gives me this fear of being alone, so i have sort of latched on to this woman. I think it's important to grieve, and flesh out those feelings. Think about grief counseling and find out if these feelings for this girl are healthy. 3
kendahke Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 I"m so sorry for the loss of your dear father. When my dad died (when I was 17), I wasn't in a relationship, so I can't speak from experience on that point, but I would think that you'd have to be careful of transference. I understand you want the support, and she sounds like the supporting kind, but you have a bit of emotional work you need to get through first before bringing her in. Definitely, the "year of firsts" has to be gotten through, but I think at least 6 months of getting your emotions steady is important before leaning hard on her for support. 2
Author Biscous Posted August 8, 2017 Author Posted August 8, 2017 You should not pursue her and talk to her about this because you've only met once. You should do your mourning and whatever family business there is and get settled again before you start dating because you will be emotional and too much so for new people and also too vulnerable. Already you have said how it's affecting you. It's great that your dad was a good man and loved your mom, but you can't just go foist that onto a new person because you're raw and reactive from his death. I'm so sorry you lost your father. Please do the sensible thing and take at least a few weeks so you don't get ahead of yourself and scare this woman you've met once off. Tell her you'll want to see her in a few weeks and not to go anywhere. Thanks for the support guys. Yes it's too soon but I think I'm a good judge of character she told me about how her and her stepdad met and married a week later and have been married for 25+ years. I'm not at that point where I'm like that. It could be clouding my judgement for sure but I totally get that and need to heal. This is the second person I lost in my life. I honestly would like to be alone and consume myself with my work but I can't do that. My condolences on your loss. OP, I'm currently seeing someone and my dad was just diagnosed with cancer. I really like this woman, but sometimes wonder if facing my father's mortality has left me vulnerable to unhealthy emotional attachment in some way. Maybe subconsciously the prospect of losing him gives me this fear of being alone, so i have sort of latched on to this woman. I think it's important to grieve, and flesh out those feelings. Think about grief counseling and find out if these feelings for this girl are healthy. That makes sense. I believe I am thinking in a healthy manner. I met her and talked to her and sort of thought these things but seeing my father die definitely exacerbated it. I'm not going to talk to her for a bit though until I'm back home and clear minded. I"m so sorry for the loss of your dear father. When my dad died (when I was 17), I wasn't in a relationship, so I can't speak from experience on that point, but I would think that you'd have to be careful of transference. I understand you want the support, and she sounds like the supporting kind, but you have a bit of emotional work you need to get through first before bringing her in. Definitely, the "year of firsts" has to be gotten through, but I think at least 6 months of getting your emotions steady is important before leaning hard on her for support. That makes sense. Emotional health is important. She told me that it's OK to be strong for others but I need to heal myself. I guess part of me doesn't want to "lose" the potential/idea of her either after having failed in my last relationship. I know what I have to do.
planb1973 Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 Loosing a parent is hard, I'm sorry for your loss. The death of a family member can change you as a person in all kinds of ways. I watched my father die a slow death from cancer 10 years ago and it still haunts me sometimes. At the time I was engaged and had a growing business, when my fiance didn't make the funeral due to a "hair appointment" I fell apart, moved, shut down my company, and would have nothing to do with women for a couple years. But the end result was good, I moved back to my family, started a smaller more comfortable company, and started taking more time for myself. My brother on the other hand who had never had much for a girlfriend met his now wife a month after my dad passed. When it all came down to it I hid under a rock and liked my wounds for a while, and my brother stood his ground and found love. People need support. You have just met this woman and I see nothing wrong with accepting her support. You never know what it can lead to. Do take a bit of time to grieve and don't cling onto her, but if she is supportive and loving accept it. I may be just what you need to help you through this ruff time.
preraph Posted August 9, 2017 Posted August 9, 2017 Thanks for the support guys. Yes it's too soon but I think I'm a good judge of character she told me about how her and her stepdad met and married a week later and have been married for 25+ years. . Yes, I get it, but the point isn't just about you. This kind of intensity when you barely know her and only met her once will likely scare her off. You need to chill out first.
Author Biscous Posted August 9, 2017 Author Posted August 9, 2017 Yes, I get it, but the point isn't just about you. This kind of intensity when you barely know her and only met her once will likely scare her off. You need to chill out first. Good point. Will do. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 9, 2017 Posted August 9, 2017 I'm so sorry for your loss . I lost my dad to a heart attack, and although I wasn't in the same situation as you at the time (quite the opposite actually as my marriage went to **** right after that), I really can't imagine being able to invest the emotional energy into a new relationship while so much emotional energy is being sapped just from grief . Really sucky timing for you two! Honestly, I'd say if it's meant to be, it will happen in very, very slow time. Meet once or twice a month for a friendly lunch maybe for now? The grief will hit you in unexpected ways and at unexpected times, and as another poster said, it's not fair to put that on her, and I don't say that with any blame put on you as some kind of bad guy.
Popsicle Posted August 9, 2017 Posted August 9, 2017 (edited) When my father died I became really clingy. People don't expect that and think you want/need to be alone. It could scare her off but it also could be a bonding experience. Just depends on how much she likes you. Edited August 9, 2017 by Popsicle 1
Author Biscous Posted August 9, 2017 Author Posted August 9, 2017 When my father died I became really clingy. People don't expect that and think you want/need to be alone. It could scare her off but it also could be a bonding experience. Just depends on how much she likes you. She likes me, but she isn't ecstatic over me...yet lol. We only have known each other for a little bit. But I had an ex that was clingy and dealt with a lot of death in her life and I hated clingy. I understood her though.
GemmaUK Posted August 9, 2017 Posted August 9, 2017 I think you need to take some time out for yourself and shouldn't be dating at the moment. You 'think' you are thinking clearly but in all honesty you are not your usual self and losing your Dad is already affecting you in terms of this relationship - plus you have no idea how you will pan out over the upcoming weeks and months. Right now she will seem like some angel who has come along but realistically she is a woman looking for a relationship and it would be wrong of you to put your happiness onto her shoulders. It seems to are already beginning to do this. I lost both my Mum and the my dad at different times - I wasn't in a relationship when I lost Mum and was in a long term living together situation when I lost Dad. They say everyone deals with grief differently and we do. I didn't envision dealing with the death of my Dad totally differently to how I dealt with the death of mu Mum but I did and it was a shock to me. You need time and space for you to heal yourself. No one can be nor should they be relied upon so much that they become your crutch. Once your healing begins you would be left with a crutch that you don't need. This is why you shouldn't be dating just now. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad. Sounds like he was a lovely man.x
gaius Posted August 9, 2017 Posted August 9, 2017 You can grieve in private and still pursue a relationship with this woman. My grandmother, who pretty much raised me and who I was closest to out of any adult when I was a child, just died a few months ago. I found my private moments to grieve, still do, and also maintained my relationship with my girlfriend. This idea that you have to go off on sabbatical alone and cut her out is just downright silly. Ulysses S Grant, when he was commanding these battles that got tens of thousands of men wounded/killed, used to go sit under a tree alone in the evening and weep. But in the morning he was back in the saddle, dry-eyed, doing his job commanding more men to their deaths. That always struck me as the right way to go about it. So tell this girl that you want her around already. 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 9, 2017 Posted August 9, 2017 You can grieve in private and still pursue a relationship with this woman. My grandmother, who pretty much raised me and who I was closest to out of any adult when I was a child, just died a few months ago. I found my private moments to grieve, still do, and also maintained my relationship with my girlfriend. This idea that you have to go off on sabbatical alone and cut her out is just downright silly. Ulysses S Grant, when he was commanding these battles that got tens of thousands of men wounded/killed, used to go sit under a tree alone in the evening and weep. But in the morning he was back in the saddle, dry-eyed, doing his job commanding more men to their deaths. That always struck me as the right way to go about it. So tell this girl that you want her around already. He's only had one date and does not know her at all. How long have you been dating your gf before your loss? Sorry to hear of your grandmother's passing. Also, Grant was fighting the good fight vs. a subversive entity. His country needed him, a seasoned military leader, but the OP is not. He has time to grieve... and should in his own way, time. There's no reason for him not to keep in touch every once in a while, it doesn't have to be a complete break. 1
Author Biscous Posted August 9, 2017 Author Posted August 9, 2017 I think I will convey to here that I would like to date her and I think perhaps it would lead into something else, but I am afraid that I because I'm grieving it could mess up things. At least me putting it out there and letting her do whatever with it will be me being completely honest with her without any regret and also giving her the opportunity a bit to do whatever. I'm sure she'd want me emotionally cleansed but it's hard.
blessedby4 Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 Someone once said “ Patience with others is Love. Patience with self is Hope. But Patience with God is Faith.” Can you share your dilemma with someone you can confide in, doing so can give you a perspective you may not of thought of. When I don’t know what do I call out to God. He always gives me direction. There is a verse I recently read that says: “Call out to God, and I will show you great and mighty things which you do not know”
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