Can I fix this?

[JoeMen]

Looking some advice on how to proceed with the ending of a relationship I had with a woman..

 

Background:

Her and I have been family friends our whole lives. During a particularity traumatic time in my life, she reached out. We started to get closer, but because of the trauma, the ending of the relationship, that she wasn't the typical type of woman I dated and the closeness of our families, I told her I needed space/time to get myself together.

 

Dating:

But, things changed a couple of months later. She kept in touch and I started getting serious feelings for her. The more I thought about her and us, I realized she was someone I could see myself with long term. So, we proceeded to get closer. We never had the convo about exclusivity (I should have), but I believed we had an understanding. This went on for 5 months. Talked and texted multiple times a day and since she was in another state, visited when I could. I thought we were Great, didn't fight (when someone had an issue we talked about it and found a way to resolve it). I was impressed by her. I trusted her implicitly. And I fell in love with her.

 

Trouble:

Trouble began when I found out she misled me about a relationship she had. She has always been open about her Sex life (maybe too open) and who she dated. And I asked her once if she was dating anybody. She said no. But, about 4 months ago she told me she had dated a guy during the time I asked for space. It wasn't the dating that mattered(we weren't together), it was the lying about it when it didn't matter. Anyhow, we had a fight over that and moved on. At least I tried. But, I started to distrust her. And because of that had an issue with the time she spent with another guy. That was a big fight, but I apologized and we resolved that.

 

Fast forward to 2 weeks. She was traveling out of country and I joked that she should promise she wouldn't kiss anybody(I know how bad it sounds now). The next day she brought it to my attention that it made her feel like a slut and I said it was a joke. The next day, I apologized but then when she said she felt I didn't trust her, I told her I didn't(I know). The next few days I tried to contact her, but she ignored me. So, I called a lot and messaged a lot (I know). We spoke and she said she just wanted to be friends. She traveled and as usual would text me updates of her flights (landings etc.). We spoke when she arrived. The next day, we spoke, I asked for a pic, she said no and I joked that if she sent a pic to anybody else I'd be upset (I know). She didn't pick my calls or texts after that. But before she left we spoke and she again kept me abreast of her flights (landed/taken off). She text me to tell me she was home and I called her. I asked her if we could talk about our relationship and what I can do to get back to where we were. She got angry, said she is tired of talking about it and I talk it about it too much. She said that she is over it, done and doesn't want a relationship from me. I asked her to reconsider (maybe begged, which I'm not proud of). At one point said would block me since I called so much. Since she has a big exam next month, I also asked her if I could come and see her when it was over (I would have to catch a flight). She said she would consider it, which confused me more. I'm also really concerned about adding more stress to her life before her big exam.

 

Insecurity/Anxiety

I'm generally not a controlling person and have not been in this relationship. But I have realized I have recently had anxiety and insecurity surrounding her leaving me. I think it may largely be because of the trauma and it's anniversary. I admitted that to her asked for her understanding. But, she was also in a abusive/controlling relationship so I can understand her fear in what she has seen from me.

 

What should I do

I know I have a huge part in what has happened. I would like to find a way to work this out. I know I have things I need to work on and will do so. I don't plan on reaching out to her for a while(1-2 weeks). Any advice/suggestions? Is there a possibility of reconciling?

Edited August 8, 2017 by JoeMen

[bummer]

... I apologized but then when she said she felt I didn't trust her, I told her I didn't(I know)... but she ignored me... she said she just wanted to be friends.... She got angry, said she is tired of talking about it and I talk it about it too much. She said that she is over it, done and doesn't want a relationship from me. ... said would block me since I called so much.

 

Is there a possibility of reconciling?

 

No? This didnt sound like it started as a relationship, more friends with benefits, then friends, then confusion. You want her way more than she wants anything to do with you. You can be her little jealous puppy until she really gets sick of you and goes NC, or you can go NC now and save the extra heartache.

 

Get your head straightened out and then date someone who doesn't cause you constant anxiety and the need to beg just to hang out.

 

Maybe work it out as family friends sometime way down the road when you both are past this. Like way down the road, years.

[howtomove]

Looking some advice on how to proceed with the ending of a relationship I had with a woman..

 

Background:

Her and I have been family friends our whole lives. During a particularity traumatic time in my life, she reached out. We started to get closer, but because of the trauma, the ending of the relationship, that she wasn't the typical type of woman I dated and the closeness of our families, I told her I needed space/time to get myself together.

 

Dating:

But, things changed a couple of months later. She kept in touch and I started getting serious feelings for her. The more I thought about her and us, I realized she was someone I could see myself with long term. So, we proceeded to get closer. We never had the convo about exclusivity (I should have), but I believed we had an understanding. This went on for 5 months. Talked and texted multiple times a day and since she was in another state, visited when I could. I thought we were Great, didn't fight (when someone had an issue we talked about it and found a way to resolve it). I was impressed by her. I trusted her implicitly. And I fell in love with her.

 

Trouble:

Trouble began when I found out she misled me about a relationship she had. She has always been open about her Sex life (maybe too open) and who she dated. And I asked her once if she was dating anybody. She said no. But, about 4 months ago she told me she had dated a guy during the time I asked for space. It wasn't the dating that mattered(we weren't together), it was the lying about it when it didn't matter. Anyhow, we had a fight over that and moved on. At least I tried. But, I started to distrust her. And because of that had an issue with the time she spent with another guy. That was a big fight, but I apologized and we resolved that.

 

Fast forward to 2 weeks. She was traveling out of country and I joked that she should promise she wouldn't kiss anybody(I know how bad it sounds now). The next day she brought it to my attention that it made her feel like a slut and I said it was a joke. The next day, I apologized but then when she said she felt I didn't trust her, I told her I didn't(I know). The next few days I tried to contact her, but she ignored me. So, I called a lot and messaged a lot (I know). We spoke and she said she just wanted to be friends. She traveled and as usual would text me updates of her flights (landings etc.). We spoke when she arrived. The next day, we spoke, I asked for a pic, she said no and I joked that if she sent a pic to anybody else I'd be upset (I know). She didn't pick my calls or texts after that. But before she left we spoke and she again kept me abreast of her flights (landed/taken off). She text me to tell me she was home and I called her. I asked her if we could talk about our relationship and what I can do to get back to where we were. She got angry, said she is tired of talking about it and I talk it about it too much. She said that she is over it, done and doesn't want a relationship from me. I asked her to reconsider (maybe begged, which I'm not proud of). At one point said would block me since I called so much. Since she has a big exam next month, I also asked her if I could come and see her when it was over (I would have to catch a flight). She said she would consider it, which confused me more. I'm also really concerned about adding more stress to her life before her big exam.

 

Insecurity/Anxiety

I'm generally not a controlling person and have not been in this relationship. But I have realized I have recently had anxiety and insecurity surrounding her leaving me. I think it may largely be because of the trauma and it's anniversary. I admitted that to her asked for her understanding. But, she was also in a abusive/controlling relationship so I can understand her fear in what she has seen from me.

 

What should I do

I know I have a huge part in what has happened. I would like to find a way to work this out. I know I have things I need to work on and will do so. I don't plan on reaching out to her for a while(1-2 weeks). Any advice/suggestions? Is there a possibility of reconciling?

 

wow this is very similar to me I feel for you buddy! and I totally understand how she plants the seeds in your head!

I was seeing my ex for about a year n a half but we kept falling out and she was controlling and paranoid about me I had a close friend who was a woman and she didn't like her and she made me choose between her and her. I chose the ex but we would fall out and then I found out that a guy was messaging her on Facebook and asking her out she didn't tell me about him and there were a few others and we agreed to be open and honest. eventually I started getting paranoid which I wasn't at first. but I had to watch what I said and who I was with and it turned into game playing. not nice and my anxieties got bad and I would be a walking mat for her. once the seed is planted and the trust isn't there for both parties its hard my friend and it takes ages to build trust but a second to destroy it and unless you both are open and honest and reassure each other cos you want it to work then its a downward spiral in my experience. I'm going through this now. ive been split from my ex for about 2 maybe 3 weeks now and we made up but noticed after making up she had bruises on her inside of her legs and I didn't say anything until the argument and then boom now she doesn't feel anything for me. its hard my friend it really is cos like you do your ex I loved her.

 

but and I say but if she is like you say she is like mine then she most probs be back in touch but then it wont go away unless you work and both work at it. sadly I don't think mine will and if she does it will be to late good luck my friend but I know exactly what your going through.

[umirano]

.

 

 

• Too much irony in a conversation will eventually poison it beyond any fixing, WRT all your 'joking'
  
• She was on the fence about you and you were understandably confused by her mixed signals. I've found that keeping complicated, opaque or undecided people out of my life is very beneficial
  
• Why on earth would you go meet up with her after she broke up with you?
  

 

Dignify yourself. Accept the BU and go No Contact. Work on yourself and find a better partner.

 

Things to look at based on your post:

 

• Clarity in your communication. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
  
• Don't debase yourself by begging (for a relationship, meaningless signs of loyalty, etc.)
  

[JoeMen]

No? This didnt sound like it started as a relationship, more friends with benefits, then friends, then confusion. You want her way more than she wants anything to do with you. You can be her little jealous puppy until she really gets sick of you and goes NC, or you can go NC now and save the extra heartache.

 

I considered this, still considering it (maybe the insecurity in me), I don't believe it's the case. In terms of my insecurity, this has been the 2nd relationship in a row that I've been insecure and needy since this traumatic experience. I'm Ok chalking it up to growth/healing I have to do.

 

but and I say but if she is like you say she is like mine then she most probs be back in touch but then it wont go away unless you work and both work at it. sadly I don't think mine will and if she does it will be to late good luck my friend but I know exactly what your going through.

 

Thanks for the input. Part of me knows she will contact me soon. I'm willing to work on it but part of me is scared at how hard it's going to be. And given how much of a walking mat I was this week, will she ever be able to respect me again.

Edited August 8, 2017 by JoeMen

[JoeMen]

.

 

 

• Too much irony in a conversation will eventually poison it beyond any fixing, WRT all your 'joking'
  
• She was on the fence about you and you were understandably confused by her mixed signals. I've found that keeping complicated, opaque or undecided people out of my life is very beneficial
  
• Why on earth would you go meet up with her after she broke up with you?
  

 

Dignify yourself. Accept the BU and go No Contact. Work on yourself and find a better partner.

 

Things to look at based on your post:

 

• Clarity in your communication. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
  
• Don't debase yourself by begging (for a relationship, meaningless signs of loyalty, etc.)
  

 

Thanks.

I understand her confusion. Because of our family dynamics, I also felt great stress over making a decision about what we were doing and was equally on the fence for a while. In fact she kissed me first, trying to push me over. I subsequently decided that she was well worth whatever stress may come. But the initial time it took me to decide may have left her feeling I wasn't that "into" her, contributing to her confusion. I thought if we saw I could tell if she was just mad at me and then maybe change her mind.

 

But, apples for apples, she would have made a great partner and this is the "practical/analytical" mind of mine speaking.

 

I'm working on the irony in my communication. Going to have to be more thoughtful of how I say the things I want to say and cut out "nervous" joking for a while until I'm confidant that the jokes I make won't be destructive.

 

And you are right by debasing myself by begging. That is the one thing I regret more than anything. And thinking I felt I had to do that makes me mad. But I wonder, when does trying to repair a broken situation become begging?

[umirano]

But I wonder, when does trying to repair a broken situation become begging?

 

Good question. I think the answer looks something like this:

 

When you're doing it against your better judgement. When she clearly says she wants to be left alone / shows signs of being annoyed by your contacting her it is high time to leave her alone.

 

Yes, it is the polite thing to do (for her benefit). It is also the self respecting thing to do (for your own benefit). It's also what you would want from a girl you break up with, correct?

[umirano]

Thanks for the input. Part of me knows she will contact me soon. I'm willing to work on it but part of me is scared at how hard it's going to be. And given how much of a walking mat I was this week, will she ever be able to respect me again.

 

Let her go for good. A couple of days, even weeks won't do anything. She sees you as needy, clingy and controlling. A big part of maintaining dignity is knowing which battles to fight and which to skip.

 

Go NC. If she has doubts about you being needy and controlling she will contact you.

 

You worry already about the amount of work you have to put into this. Probably for good reasons. I suggest you work on yourself, and one day you will be satisfied with your results and you will feel so confident that ringing her up will not make your stomach shrink. That's when you can think about contacting her. By then you'll probably have better prospects anyway.

 

Good luck