Seth0194 Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 Ex broke up with me about 2 months ago, in that time we have tried to remain friends. Though I struggle with it at times, I respect her decision, not really agree with why she wanted to break-up. We have had dinner twice, the first she kinda gave me some closure, explained to me she wanted to focus on her career, etc. (It really sounded like she had fallen out of love with me) Dinner wasn't bad, shared some laughs etc. Second dinner was more relaxed, but at one point she asked me was I seeing anyone/ dating anyone. I told her no, but there was some feelers from a co-worker but no. Told her I was coming to terms with what happened with us. So I asked the same questions, was she seeing anyone, etc. She told me no, she maintained eye contact and did not display any body language that might show she was lying. The dinner went on, some flirting took place. She even made mention about maybe coming over some weekend and spending the weekend together. (little bot of a mixed signal) The night ended. This past weekend, ( I work midnights) On my way home I stopped and got some flowers before heading into work Friday night, the intention of dropping them off at her door so when she woke up she would find them. Sorry hopeless romantic. I arrived at her condo and her car was not there around 710 am. I left, didn't leave the flowers. Two things 1- she went out and stayed with friends, 2- She is with someone else. (either is fine we are broke up, she is a grown women and is able to do whatever her heart desires) Well tonight, I got a feeling so on my way back from Wal-Mart (again I work nights so I am up all night on my nights off, so I was shopping at about 1am) I ventured by her condo, (gut feeling, maybe I shouldn't of done it but it is not out of the way) as I drove by, no car. Again, no worries. Obviously she is staying with someone else. Why does someone break up with you, try to maintain "friendship" ask you if your dating and then lie and say they do not have anyone??? Why not be honest, I mean if you cared for someone at some point, why lie to them. Especially when all I have ever asked was be honest with me, I was always honest with her. Truth hurts once, a lie hurts every time you remember it. Why does it have to be this way? Why worry about my status?? Why lie about your status? Thanks for reading, Any advise welcome, love makes us do stupid things some times. Torn if I should say anything? or just cut her out of my life completely? or just let it play out?
PegNosePete Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 Why does someone break up with you, try to maintain "friendship" ask you if your dating and then lie and say they do not have anyone??? Let me reframe your question for you. Why would you get dumped by someone, have dinner with them twice, buy them flowers, get lied to, and yet STILL wonder if you should carry on trying to have some kind of weird "friendship"? She's told you how she feels and shown you what kind of person she is, and what your "friendship" will consist of. It's going to cause you more and more pain, as she leads you on and gives you mixed signals, all the while boning some other guy. And if you confront her she'll just tell you it's none of your business, you're not dating any more. Why do people try to stay friends with their exes? Why do you want her back, when she treats you like this? You should cut her out of your life completely. 4
Hurtingguy Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 Ok you are absolutely hurting yourself right now ..first thing first stop driving past her house cause it's only gonna make you assume the worse. Assumptions are the worse thing you can make right now maybe she did lie to you but it would only be to spare your heart. Why do you assume she's so h a man how do you know she's not with friends or even family. Everyone here will tell you to go nc I'm not a strong believer of it as I'm still in touch with every ex I've dated. My most recent ex is similar. We talk everyday see each other at least once a week we even had sex last week. Had a few sleepovers and everything went great. But then she starts to get cold again and distances herself.. I know she's with friends cause she calls and texts me when she's out and every night when she gets into bed. Women are a different species then us men. They go through there pain a lot different then we do. The best piece of advice I can give you if your gonna stay in contact with her is to keep it limited don't blow up her phone don't just show up at her condo don't drive by her place. Let her come to you if she still loves you she will contact you give her space let her initiate she'll come to you and contact you if you let her be. I learned this front my ex and the only reason I did is cause she straight out told me and I let her live her life and we talk and see each other we still have a lot of love for each other and the only thing I/ we can do is give them space. The more you try the further away you will push her and this was told to me by the woman I still love. You won't listen cause it's hard your mind is in a million places and only you can change that. Don't act needy don't blow up her phone and please stop driving to her condo and last stop assuming what she's doing cause you will only drive yourself crazy 1
Author Seth0194 Posted August 8, 2017 Author Posted August 8, 2017 Ok you are absolutely hurting yourself right now ..first thing first stop driving past her house cause it's only gonna make you assume the worse. Assumptions are the worse thing you can make right now maybe she did lie to you but it would only be to spare your heart. Why do you assume she's so h a man how do you know she's not with friends or even family. Everyone here will tell you to go nc I'm not a strong believer of it as I'm still in touch with every ex I've dated. My most recent ex is similar. We talk everyday see each other at least once a week we even had sex last week. Had a few sleepovers and everything went great. But then she starts to get cold again and distances herself.. I know she's with friends cause she calls and texts me when she's out and every night when she gets into bed. Women are a different species then us men. They go through there pain a lot different then we do. The best piece of advice I can give you if your gonna stay in contact with her is to keep it limited don't blow up her phone don't just show up at her condo don't drive by her place. Let her come to you if she still loves you she will contact you give her space let her initiate she'll come to you and contact you if you let her be. I learned this front my ex and the only reason I did is cause she straight out told me and I let her live her life and we talk and see each other we still have a lot of love for each other and the only thing I/ we can do is give them space. The more you try the further away you will push her and this was told to me by the woman I still love. You won't listen cause it's hard your mind is in a million places and only you can change that. Don't act needy don't blow up her phone and please stop driving to her condo and last stop assuming what she's doing cause you will only drive yourself crazy Its funny you say that. I don't blow up her phone, every contact that has come, she has initiated it over the last 3-4 weeks, I have given her space, I haven't pressed her about her dealings. I assumed the other, she has no family in the area, could be friends. The first time I went by, it was an attempt to do something nice. The second time, it is as you said, my mind running away with it, got the better of me. (as I said, love makes us do stupid things) Thanks for sharing your story.
Hurtingguy Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 Your right love does make you do stupid things and that's because your thinking with your emotions instead of your brain. I did it like many other dumpers do to. Only you can make yourself feel better: you don't neee her to be happy and until your happy with yourself again you will never make any other person happy . Like I said let her keep initiating contact for the most part it's ok to send her a text but don't ask if she's with someone else or what's she doing remember it's not your business anymore if she wants to tell you she will. And if she is already with someone else they hey she's rebounding and it won't last and you never know it might make her realize what she lost... my ex still tells me she loves me and misses me we still have sleepovers and cuddle and kiss. I don't push her to do it she does it cause she's still loves me but that doesn't mean she wants to be with me again. I let her live her life that's all I can do. I still feel sad that where not . Together but only time will tell. I continue to live my life I work more now hang out with family almost everyday see my friends playing sports again going out and having a good time... what I'm trying to say is don't sit around waiting for her to call let her do her thing and have fun believe me she will miss you and does miss you right now. You need to live your life like you did before she was in it and soon enough you will realize that you don't need her to be happy
Been Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 The number one rule when someone dumps you: you disappear from their lives unless you have kids. No texting. No talking. And no dinners. They didn't want to be with you for whatever reason so why would you entertain being friends when you know you still have feelings for her. And believe she knows it too. She is keeping the door cracked open in case her latest new boyfriend doesn't work out. And instead of slamming and locking that door your telling her your good with that. With being an option.
Author Seth0194 Posted August 8, 2017 Author Posted August 8, 2017 Some valid points on both sides. I kmow the standard is to go dark, but I was really hoping we really could be friends. Lying though is not anything in anyway being a friend. Not when all i ever asked from the beginning was for truth, no matter what it is.
Bastile Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 Some valid points on both sides. I kmow the standard is to go dark, but I was really hoping we really could be friends. Lying though is not anything in anyway being a friend. Not when all i ever asked from the beginning was for truth, no matter what it is. I don't think you are being legit. What kind of friend thinks they have the right to know the private details of their mate's sex life? Or drives past their place checking if they are home at night? Or leaves flowers for them? Using friendship in this way, and then lambasting her for "not being a good friend" (not playing your game) is extremely manipulative. It's also unlikely to have the desired effect. But start being more honest, yourself. Be real, and you'll be able to command real from others better. Right now you don't have a leg to stand on. Try and take the moral highground, and watch her throw it back in your face - I bet you. Try to take it with me, and I'll throw it back in your face too. It's very easy to do when someone isn't being legit. Time to start, then. 1
SammySammy Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 As a matter of principle, this is why I cut all ties after a breakup. It's about self-respect at that point. The person I'm trying to love and care for most is ME.
Author Seth0194 Posted August 9, 2017 Author Posted August 9, 2017 I don't think you are being legit. What kind of friend thinks they have the right to know the private details of their mate's sex life? Or drives past their place checking if they are home at night? Or leaves flowers for them? Using friendship in this way, and then lambasting her for "not being a good friend" (not playing your game) is extremely manipulative. It's also unlikely to have the desired effect. But start being more honest, yourself. Be real, and you'll be able to command real from others better. Right now you don't have a leg to stand on. Try and take the moral highground, and watch her throw it back in your face - I bet you. Try to take it with me, and I'll throw it back in your face too. It's very easy to do when someone isn't being legit. Time to start, then. Bastile, I never once said I was proud of what I did, in fact I even said love makes us do stupid things. Have you never had a gut feeling that you were being lied too? I followed it and though I am not proud of how I went about it. As for flowers you have never given a friend flowers? I am in no way trying to take the Moral high road on this. I am here to get advise, I could of made up something up, I am just trying to ask complete strangers what would they do, looking for advise.
basil67 Posted August 9, 2017 Posted August 9, 2017 King Bastile is right on the money. You're not behaving as a regular friend because regular friends don't keep tabs on each other. My guess is that you're too close for comfort and she no longer wants you to know the ins and outs of her life. Sometimes it's easier to lie than to explain to someone who we shouldn't need to explain to. FWIW, I have never received flowers from a friend just because. Ive received them when in hospital and probably on a birthday or when I host a dinner party, but never just for the hell of it. 1
Author Seth0194 Posted August 9, 2017 Author Posted August 9, 2017 King Bastile is right on the money. You're not behaving as a regular friend because regular friends don't keep tabs on each other. My guess is that you're too close for comfort and she no longer wants you to know the ins and outs of her life. Sometimes it's easier to lie than to explain to someone who we shouldn't need to explain to. FWIW, I have never received flowers from a friend just because. Ive received them when in hospital and probably on a birthday or when I host a dinner party, but never just for the hell of it. Fair enough, Im was just boggled why she would ask me was I dating anyone first if she didn't want me to know anything about her dealings.
Bastile Posted August 9, 2017 Posted August 9, 2017 Bastile, I never once said I was proud of what I did, in fact I even said love makes us do stupid things. Have you never had a gut feeling that you were being lied too? I followed it and though I am not proud of how I went about it. As for flowers you have never given a friend flowers? I am in no way trying to take the Moral high road on this. I am here to get advise, I could of made up something up, I am just trying to ask complete strangers what would they do, looking for advise. We all make mistakes. But you need to be honest with yourself, at least. The holes that I'm picking in your game will likely be the same ones that she will. You don't have a leg to stand on, and no leverage whatsoever. She'll tool you, and maybe call you out on not being a real "friend" (which you aren't). You'll just have it turned around on you, and you'll get accused of being dishonest instead I've done the same thing with white-knights who try to ruin my sets. It's the common go to - declare their interest in the girl, and they deny it. Only further friendzoning themselves. You are sabotaging yourself. Either escalate it to sex, or get rid of her. Start over with a clean slate and new girl. Because, if you look at your behaviours, you are getting dragged into a very bad place. You aren't coming from a place of good sense in this thread. And stuff like checking on her car is a step too far. So, completely stop whatever you are doing, go no-contact and get your head straight would be my advice.
the_lost_1 Posted August 9, 2017 Posted August 9, 2017 Yes people lie to me all the time, I just accept it and move on.
Bastile Posted August 9, 2017 Posted August 9, 2017 Fair enough, Im was just boggled why she would ask me was I dating anyone first if she didn't want me to know anything about her dealings. Because she's likely playing a silly game too. Actually start dating other people.
basil67 Posted August 9, 2017 Posted August 9, 2017 Fair enough, Im was just boggled why she would ask me was I dating anyone first if she didn't want me to know anything about her dealings. Perhaps she would have been honest if she saw that you were moving on. But instead, she decided to keep it to herself rather than risk hurting you.
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