30 dates and he's barely made a move [UPDATED]

[salparadise]

I'm guessing that he has intimacy issues, terrified of vulnerability, etc. The horn-dog dating profile is his alter-ego where he lives vicariously, indulges fantasies, his Tyler Durden persona. That's just a guess, but I think if he were actually not interested he wouldn't keep dating you. OP, if I were you I'd get this stuff out in the open and see if it can be dealt with. You have nothing to loose by trying, because otherwise the choices are a) nothing changes, or b) you cut him loose. I think you should let go of your inhibitions and start initiating sex... sex him up to the point that he gets comfortable and confident... bring forth his Tyler.

[caitlinf33]

Thanks cookiesndough and simpleNfit. I think you are absolutely right ith your assessments. If he was really into me, or thought we had a future together, he probably would not be on this OLD site so often.

 

It's one of those situations where the cold hard truth is staring me in the face and I just don't want to admit it.

 

I do like your advice simpleNfit that I shoud enjoy our time together and stop over-analyzing it. Everything has been great between us. Sometimes wish I had never come across his profile. Ignorance is bliss right? ;(

 

So what now? Really blue he has been distant and not taken th initiative to plan a future date with me. Lay low and wait for him to contact me? I would like to have a conversation about exclusivity but now is just not the time. I am afraid I won't like what I hear. And of course that begs the question why continue to invest myself? If I didn't like him so much, I obviously wouldn't care. But after dating around a bit, I have been so happy to meet someone I really sync with.

[caitlinf33]

Salparadise interesting perspective. I love the Tyler Durden reference! Hoping I have the opportunity to try out your theory. My fear is that he's already gone ...

[Robratory]

You shouldn't let him continue wasting your time.

Edited September 3, 2017 by Robratory

[caitlinf33]

Hi all,

Have posted about this guy before ...

Met via OLD 5 months ago. We dated for about 3 months before things got physical - he said he'd thought about it a lot but hadn't initiated because he wasn't sure what he wanted and didn't want to hurt me if things went badly. Prior to sleeping together, we agreed that neither wanted anything super serious - for me that meant settling down; thought same for him but now believe he meant exclusivity.

 

About a month ago, felt a shift in the relationship. I came across his OLD prpfile (reactivated since we have been sleeping together and he is on there a lot!). I found this via s econdary profile I had created - no clear pics of me so he wouldn't know it's me.

 

When we are together, things are great. We love spending tile together, he does all the things a "boyfriend" would and my feelings for him have definitely grown over this time. We text/talk almost every day. However, he doesn't ask me out as feequently anymore, we see each other only 1, maybe 2 times per week and there are a few nights per week where he is unreachable (assume he is out playing the field or maybe has found someone for more serious dating). He was nor seeing anyone we first met.

 

I am getting a little sick of being a convenient option. I know i kinda signed up for this by saying I didn't want something serious but I believe now that we were not using the same definition of serious when we had that talk. As time has gone on, have realized that being in this type of relationship is hurting me spiritually.

 

I have thought of just fading on him but as stated, have developed real feelings for him. Would like to discuss idea of exclusivity, and if rhat's not what he wants, I guess i'd have to accept that and accept relationship for what it is or mive on.

 

I know a lot of you will likely say move on but just don't get how someone can seem so sincere/interested some of the time. I want that 100% of the time. Any advice on how to bring up this conversation? I feel like it's worth a shot given how I feel....

[CryForNoOne]

I feel like you set yourself up for this. When a guy says he's not looking for something serious, he either wants to sleep around or date until something better comes along. You would not be happy with either situation. In the meantime, you've developed strong feelings for him and now want something serious. I would either end it now or tell him you want to be exclusive. But from what you are describing, it's not going to happen. Continuing to settle for breadcrumbs is just going to leave you more heartbroken when he dumps you, which he will eventually, though maybe not right away, unless you take some initiative here...

[CryForNoOne]

Any advice on how to bring up this conversation?

FTF not by phone or text. Preferably someplace private and not in public. There is no easy way to bring this up. You just have to take the plunge. He's likely already made up his mind and how you bring it up won't change his opinion so just find out so you can progress the relationship or move on...

[caitlinf33]

I feel like you set yourself up for this. When a guy says he's not looking for something serious, he either wants to sleep around or date until something better comes along.

 

To clarify, when we had this conversation we had been drinking and in a loud restaurant. At that point, things had been going great between us (with exceprion of a physical relationship) and i admit I wasn't really paying attention to what he said.

 

From memory, there was a small convo about my son -- that he felt more strongly about being respectful since I was a parent. And then he had asked what I wanted and I said a physical side to our relationship, but then I definitely wasn't looking to move in with someone or get married right now and he agreed. That was my definition of serious. I think his may have been more broad ie having an open relationship.

 

As stated he is kind, thoughtful, loving when we are together. It's just every once in a while he disappears for the day or night. Which leads me to believe there is someone else ....

[coolheadal]

To clarify, when we had this conversation we had been drinking and in a loud restaurant. At that point, things had been going great between us (with exceprion of a physical relationship) and i admit I wasn't really paying attention to what he said.

 

From memory, there was a small convo about my son -- that he felt more strongly about being respectful since I was a parent. And then he had asked what I wanted and I said a physical side to our relationship, but then I definitely wasn't looking to move in with someone or get married right now and he agreed. That was my definition of serious. I think his may have been more broad ie having an open relationship.

 

As stated he is kind, thoughtful, loving when we are together. It's just every once in a while he disappears for the day or night. Which leads me to believe there is someone else ....

 

Yes your right he wants more you don't because your not looking for a serious relationship or to get married. I take it he doesn't have a child either? Do you want more kids if he wanted kids? If no then that could explain why he disappears as you two just have an open get together not really a serious relationship.

[CryForNoOne]

To clarify, when we had this conversation we had been drinking and in a loud restaurant. At that point, things had been going great between us (with exceprion of a physical relationship) and i admit I wasn't really paying attention to what he said.

 

From memory, there was a small convo about my son -- that he felt more strongly about being respectful since I was a parent. And then he had asked what I wanted and I said a physical side to our relationship, but then I definitely wasn't looking to move in with someone or get married right now and he agreed. That was my definition of serious. I think his may have been more broad ie having an open relationship.

 

As stated he is kind, thoughtful, loving when we are together. It's just every once in a while he disappears for the day or night. Which leads me to believe there is someone else ....

 

You do know that guys can lay it on thick when they want to keep a woman around right??? Honestly, in the early stages of dating, what a guy does or doesn't do when you AREN'T together is much more meaningful than what you do when you ARE together. If he's asking you out less and less and doing a regular disappearing act, he's almost certainly seeing someone else...

[caitlinf33]

So I guess the moral of the story is that either accept the situation as it is (enjoy his company while we are together but come to terms with the fact that he is dating around) or confront it head on knowing he may have already made up his mind.

 

I guess my thinking is that I may eventually win him over. Foolish I know. But isn't it normal that people/situations may change over time?

 

My friends say I should start dating other people. Truth is I am just not interested in that right now.

 

He often alludes to longer term plans - like soending the holidays together. Is that all just part of stringing me along?

[CryForNoOne]

So I guess the moral of the story is that either accept the situation as it is (enjoy his company while we are together but come to terms with the fact that he is dating around) or confront it head on knowing he may have already made up his mind.

 

I guess my thinking is that I may eventually win him over. Foolish I know. But isn't it normal that people/situations may change over time?

 

My friends say I should start dating other people. Truth is I am just not interested in that right now.

 

He often alludes to longer term plans - like soending the holidays together. Is that all just part of stringing me along?

 

I've been in several FWB relationships and they all had a strikingly similar dynamic - and your situation sounds the same. Usually the woman started developing strong emotions for me and I had to end it. I would never tell them this bluntly, but FWB always meant I was waiting for something better to come along but wanted sex and companionship in the meantime. Clearly defining it as such made it easy for me but eventually it got complicated for her. I never had that problem because I knew going in I was not interested in an LTR. The ONE time I started developing feelings for a FWB, she did me a huge favor. I invited her to Spago in Beverly Hills and at first she was excited and accepted. The next day she abruptly dumped me saying "Your trying to make me your GF and I don't want that right now." I didn't think that at the time but she was probably right. The heartache would have been much worse if we went down that path for several more months...

[caitlinf33]

Hey CryForNoOne - really appreciate all your advice. Men and women think so differently and it's always insightful to have feeback from a guy who gets it!

 

I don't know if it matters but not sure I would classify this as FWB. I have done that before and it was purely booty calls - no going out, no hanging out as friends/lovers.

 

In this instance, he has come through many times as someone I can count on. Just this past week, he offered to take a day off from work to drive me 5 hours to the nursing home where my Dad is because there was a problem. This is why I guess I feel he may really care? And doesn't see this as just hooking up.

 

Maybe I am just fooling myself. But yeah pretty certain I am never going to get what I want or need from this relationship. I am sure you are right - I will already get hirt from this and more so the longer this goes on. Just can't seem to break it off though

[CryForNoOne]

Hey CryForNoOne - really appreciate all your advice. Men and women think so differently and it's always insightful to have feeback from a guy who gets it!

 

I don't know if it matters but not sure I would classify this as FWB. I have done that before and it was purely booty calls - no going out, no hanging out as friends/lovers.

 

In this instance, he has come through many times as someone I can count on. Just this past week, he offered to take a day off from work to drive me 5 hours to the nursing home where my Dad is because there was a problem. This is why I guess I feel he may really care? And doesn't see this as just hooking up.

 

Maybe I am just fooling myself. But yeah pretty certain I am never going to get what I want or need from this relationship. I am sure you are right - I will already get hirt from this and more so the longer this goes on. Just can't seem to break it off though

 

Isn't that why they call it "friends" with benefits? If someone I hookup with needs a favor like that, then I'd definitely do it. Don't confuse a hookup who happens to be a kind and considerate, with true love.

 

Also I know you didn't call it FWB, but the dynamic is similar. It's just a label and after all, the lines are blurred, otherwise we wouldn't be having this discussion...

[olivetree]

I wouldn't try to progress a relationship in which you feel you are chasing.

If you feel you are in that position consistently, something is wrong.

This is pretty apparent from the fact that he is still on OLD.

 

All in all, trying to progress a relationship that you are not totally happy in basically communicates that you're willing to settle for the scraps you are getting.

[lurker74]

Just have the conversation about exclusivity. Have it with an open mind but have it nonetheless. I never understand why people don't just say what they mean and ask about what they are wondering about. OK, yeah, you want to string him along so that he is "fully in" before going too far so that he doesn't run but the truth is THAT DOESN'T WORK. You may think you're being cool but the other side senses the tension and it ends up causing problems (unless you're a sociopath that can have no feelings).

 

So talk to him. If he says he's not ready, that may be OK with you but at least then you'd know.

[smackie9]

Gosh it's been almost two months now.......you still haven't figured this out yet??