Jump to content

30 dates and he's barely made a move [UPDATED]

caitlinf33

By caitlinf33
in Dating

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

caitlinf33 Member

caitlinf33

Posted
Posted

Stealing this great thread title from a PP!

 

So here's the deal - have been going out with this great guy for a few months. We get along great and I'm pretty attracted to him. Felt like he liked me too - often initiates dates, responds quickly to texts, but have often felt things were a little off. In the time we've known each other, we've kissed a few times. Would have liked to take it to the next level but he doesn't seem interested. I figured he might be socially awkward or just shy.

 

Came across his profile on a dating site the other day with an anonymous profile I used to use and my god he sounds like a dog in heat. I am kind of shocked and kind of hurt. Would love to see this more confident, sex-driven side of him.

 

I don't really consider us dating since nothing has really happened but lately he's gotten kind of flaky. Making plans only to tell me needs to reschedule because he has to do something with his brother, etc. Not ready to get rid of him; had hoped we could have something more. I know I should accept he just doesn't think of me thwat way but there have been so many times when I have felt we really connected. He keeps texting/calling so believe there must be some interest there. Feel so deflated with him these days though; hard not to let my true feelings show

fieldoflavender Established Member

fieldoflavender

Posted
Posted

I think you need to figure out what you want from this guy and what your deal breaker is and have a talk with him. And the result of that talk could be losing him but is your dignity and self-worth worth him stringing you along?

  • Like 1
bummer Established Member

bummer

Posted
Posted

He's rebounding or really insecure.

 

Dig deep and clarify his intent as subtly as you can. Or pull it out into the open.

Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted (edited)

Jeez, that long and not trying to get in my pants I would have assumed the guy was gay, too conservative for me, or just not into me "like that" and moved on.

 

He may have a Madonna/whore complex and you are his angelic Madonna. Lucky you. You really need to get rid of him. This will not get better.

Edited by Cookiesandough
  • Like 7
kazen Established Member

kazen

Posted
Posted

Do you have your own place? Invite him over for dinner. Then cuddle up with him while watching some tv. And if he still doesn't get it, play Marvin Gaye - "Let's get it on" in the background. :D

 

It's hard to say without actually knowing him personally. Perhaps he's a virgin?

  • Like 3
hercules22 Established Member

hercules22

Posted
Posted

maybe sees you as bestfriend? not into you in a romantic way

  • Like 2
Chilli Established Member

Chilli

Posted
Posted (edited)

Don't think he's interested sorry to say.

And the flakey stuff , he's fading out now.

 

l had a friend a few yrs ago , just a friend but l always felt her wondering , but l use to feel like saying what, you don't think l'd be jumping your bones if l was interested , but she just didn't seem to get it and things just got really uncomfortable in the end.

Edited by Chilli
  • Like 3
No_Go Established Member

No_Go

Posted
Posted

Oww 30!! dates... I envy your patience. I've had 3 dates with a guy with nothing physical and I'm getting SO impatient it hurts... I'd be in pains if I had to wait 30 times...

 

How old is he? Is he very shy? Religious? Is this his first dating experience? Are you sure he's single? If all these are 'no' I assume he's not interested romantically or he's asexual...

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

Sorry but if there is no passion by the 4th or 5th date I'm out. 30 dates? and he's starting to flake?....hun that passion ship has sailed.

  • Like 4
planb1973 Established Member

planb1973

Posted
Posted

Let me tell you from experience and that you stole my thread title. 30 dates and still no action? You stated that there was something off about him. That is a lot of dates with nothing to show for it.

 

Cookiesandough Jeez, that long and not trying to get in my pants I would have assumed the guy was gay, too conservative for me, or just not into me "like that" and moved on.

 

He may have a Madonna/whore complex and you are his angelic Madonna. Lucky you. You really need to get rid of him. This will not get better.

 

Exactly this!

 

In my case I knew something was off with the woman I went on 30 dates with. I couldn't understand why there was a lack of affection/intimacy from her. Thinking that if we got physical it might break through some barrier. When it did finally happen I, and the crazy night of strippers and nakedness, I saw exactly what screw had been loose (more like what screw was missing). The woman simply had no ability for intimacy or affection.

 

This guy may just be the woman version of my "30 dates woman" You can stick with it if you are curious but don't be surprised if you guys end up being sexual and some really weird sh** comes out.

  • Like 3
olivetree Established Member

olivetree

Posted
Posted

Do not sleep with this guy - or hang out any more for that matter.

You will only get hurt.

 

I think he enjoys your company as flirty friends and that is it.

If he was into you more, he would have taken things further.

He also wouldn't have a dating profile up at all, especially not one reminiscent of a "dog in heat" - a side you don't know at all.

 

I'd bet money that he is out boning other women in between BFF hang outs with you.

  • Like 4
Saracena Established Member

Saracena

Posted
Posted

Agree with everyone else here! NEVER experienced anything like this, ever.

 

One thing struck me in your OP though where you stated he often initiates dates - are you doing the most? How often do you meet? Just out of interest, how old is he?

Bastile Established Member

Bastile

Posted
Posted
Do not sleep with this guy - or hang out any more for that matter.

You will only get hurt.

 

Hurt?

 

Hurt would be a fine thing. It would mean something is happening.

  • Author
caitlinf33 Member

caitlinf33

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thank you all for sharing your opinions.

 

It's a weird situation and like nothing I have ever experienced. I have gotten really mixed signals from this guy and it just feeds my reluctance to be more confident. I think I may have sent mixed signals as a result.

 

I really do like him - we always have a great time together and share similar opinions, beliefs etc on everything from politics to where to go out. I am recently out of a long term relationship and have really enjoyed his company. I find it really hard to meet people - I recently relocated for work - and have been happy for his companionship. Have gone out on a few dates with a few other people since I have met him but honestly haven't met anyone I like as much as him.

 

Based on things he has told me, I know he has had some significant relationships but always with girls that sound slightly damaged. He is somewhat self deprecating in that it sounds like he makes a good impression on girls on first dates but not many are interested in seriously dating him. Don't think he's gay. Funnily I actually wondered if he might have aspergers or something.

 

I would really like to clarify the situation but it's an awkward conversation to have. How do you bring it up? I just can't seem to find the courage to broach it.

 

To be honest, I am not looking to get married or anything serious like that. I just really really enjoy his company and would like to have a more physical aspect to the relationship. But guess I have been scared of rocking the boat.

 

To answer some of your questions, he is early 40's, never married and no, no religious constraints that would dictate this behavior. We're supposed to go to a concert later this week and would really like to bring some clarity to the situation. It is very frustrating, and it is starting to affect my behavior around him. I feel dejected in so many ways - like I am not good enough to have him make a move. :(

  • Like 1
Bastile Established Member

Bastile

Posted
Posted

You have invested so much that you might as well make the move yourself.

 

What do you have to lose?

 

Very few guys would turn down an attractive woman making a pass at them, you don't seem to care for using sex as some sort of leverage into exclusivity, and you'd get to figure out where you stand.

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

I think there's a chance he's just all talk and that's the closest he gets to getting his rocks off, going online and acting like a horndog.

  • Like 1
  • Author
caitlinf33 Member

caitlinf33

Posted
  • Author
Posted

 

I think there's a chance he's just all talk and that's the closest he gets to getting his rocks off, going online and acting like a horndog.

 

Yeah this is kinda where my mind is at too. He really doesn't seem like a player and I just don't see him out there dating a bunch of other women. For all intents and purposes, he's been pretty available whenever we make plans and up until very recently would often text me when normal people would be out. So thinking he's been home alone then.

 

But with that said, he's been a little less accessible recently and so I wonder if he hasn't been out on the dating scene. Fueled by the confidence that I am a "sure thing" if needed as filler. :(

Ami1uwant Established Member

Ami1uwant

Posted
Posted
Thank you all for sharing your opinions.

 

It's a weird situation and like nothing I have ever experienced. I have gotten really mixed signals from this guy and it just feeds my reluctance to be more confident. I think I may have sent mixed signals as a result.

 

I really do like him - we always have a great time together and share similar opinions, beliefs etc on everything from politics to where to go out. I am recently out of a long term relationship and have really enjoyed his company. I find it really hard to meet people - I recently relocated for work - and have been happy for his companionship. Have gone out on a few dates with a few other people since I have met him but honestly haven't met anyone I like as much as him.

 

Based on things he has told me, I know he has had some significant relationships but always with girls that sound slightly damaged. He is somewhat self deprecating in that it sounds like he makes a good impression on girls on first dates but not many are interested in seriously dating him. Don't think he's gay. Funnily I actually wondered if he might have aspergers or something.

 

I would really like to clarify the situation but it's an awkward conversation to have. How do you bring it up? I just can't seem to find the courage to broach it.

 

To be honest, I am not looking to get married or anything serious like that. I just really really enjoy his company and would like to have a more physical aspect to the relationship. But guess I have been scared of rocking the boat.

 

To answer some of your questions, he is early 40's, never married and no, no religious constraints that would dictate this behavior. We're supposed to go to a concert later this week and would really like to bring some clarity to the situation. It is very frustrating, and it is starting to affect my behavior around him. I feel dejected in so many ways - like I am not good enough to have him make a move. :(

 

I have a mild form of aspergers.

 

For me I have trouble reading non verbal cues such as if she is interested in me or not in early stages before dating and on the first date or two in read if she is interested.

 

After that point its usually good but with some personalities I will have trouble reading n on verbal cues such as if they are upset or wanting something.

 

Also at the same time I respect women so I am not the type to try to feel like I had to force something happening. If I read only friends on her Id likely not try to initiate something unless she started it. Especially early on if I might have tried something and she rejected a bit but wasnt mad.

 

 

He may have felt friendzoned by you.

  • Like 1
mortensorchid Established Member

mortensorchid

Posted
Posted

30 dates in and nothing has happened? He's just looking for someone to spend time with, he sounds immature based on what you said. I'd move on.

  • Like 2
  • Author
caitlinf33 Member

caitlinf33

Posted
  • Author
Posted

An update on the situation ...

 

We talked and he told me he really liked me and that being intimate was kind of a big deal to him. That he wasn't sure what he wanted from the relationship long term but had been thinking about it a lot, and that he would be interested in seeing where it goes. So we ended up sleeping together and had a great time.

 

We texted back and forth the next day - a bunch of flirty messages. He said he had really enjoyed the evening and hoped this was something we could do again. I wholeheartedly agreed. It's been a few days though and I feel like he's pulling back. I suggested we get together on a specific night this week and he just replied saying sorry that night doesn't work. He hasn't suggested another time to get together - he usually is good about making plans, and we barely spoke yesterday which is unusual.

 

We've been getting to know each other for a few months, I can't imagine he would just disappear. I feel like we had established a real friendship and solid basis for moving forward, even if he is back on OLD. I can't help but feel like I got played and feeling very insecure. I read that lots of men pull back after being intimate - that it's just their way of processing the relationship. Could this be what's going on? Or should I assume he is just moving on, and that he is more interested in meeting other women online? I feel kind of used, even if his original motivation was not to get in my pants - I mean I can't imagine he waited so long if it was just for that.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

Ya but who's to say he waited all that long? He might have other women he is seeing.

 

Anyways, if it doesn't feel right, then it's not. For all you know he could be married or in a relationship.

 

If you want answers you have to confront him and let him know how you are feeling. If you worry about scaring him away, then that would mean he wasn't that into you in the first place.

 

IMO you should dump and run.

  • Like 1
  • 3 weeks later...
  • Author
caitlinf33 Member

caitlinf33

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Hi all,

 

Me again ... same guy, same situation ...

 

So we've been seeing each other pretty regularly and everything has been great. The original friendship we based the relationship on has remained solid - we always have a fun time together and continue to have great, meaningful conversation mixed with a moderate amount of flirting. And the sexual side of the relationship has been pretty amazing as well. He's given me every indication that he is into it, and enjoys spending time with me. He tends to be a little less affectionate than I like but I think that's just the way he is.

 

For the past 10 days or so, I feel like things have been a little off. He used to always make plans with me for the next date while we were together. The past two times, I've been the one who suggested we meet up. And here we are in the midst of a long holiday weekend and he hasn't suggested getting together. In fact he has barely texted.

 

Remember how I said I had come across his profile on an OLD site? Well he seems to be online every time I look. I am trying really hard to break this habit of checking - I know it's wrong and sneaky but I m just so insecure right now. I distinctly feel like he is pulling away. Do guys really do this rubber band thing when they need some space and then snap back? I am just really unsure about what to do. Give him space, or ask what is up? I should soecify that nothing was off when we last saw each other. We went out to a movie and for drinks, and had a great time. Trying not to be the crazy, paranoid girl here but I like him A LOT and really scared he is going to fade.

 

Thanks all for your great advice. Hope everyone is enjoying the long weekend!

Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted

Yes... as mentioned before this seems very off to me. Should have left him back there awhile ago, imo, but oh well. Guys 'rubber band' in that they lose interest or something else interests them more, then when that is out of the way they come back. I believe that, but not so much the mars/Venus stuff. When a guy doesn't have intimacy issues and he's into you, he'll come closer with sex. Are you two exclusive? I would not be comfortable being sexual with a guy who is still trawling dating sites, but that's me

  • Like 2
Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

Posted
Posted
Hi all,

 

Me again ... same guy, same situation ...

 

So we've been seeing each other pretty regularly and everything has been great. The original friendship we based the relationship on has remained solid - we always have a fun time together and continue to have great, meaningful conversation mixed with a moderate amount of flirting. And the sexual side of the relationship has been pretty amazing as well. He's given me every indication that he is into it, and enjoys spending time with me. He tends to be a little less affectionate than I like but I think that's just the way he is.

 

For the past 10 days or so, I feel like things have been a little off. He used to always make plans with me for the next date while we were together. The past two times, I've been the one who suggested we meet up. And here we are in the midst of a long holiday weekend and he hasn't suggested getting together. In fact he has barely texted.

 

Remember how I said I had come across his profile on an OLD site? Well he seems to be online every time I look. I am trying really hard to break this habit of checking - I know it's wrong and sneaky but I m just so insecure right now. I distinctly feel like he is pulling away. Do guys really do this rubber band thing when they need some space and then snap back? I am just really unsure about what to do. Give him space, or ask what is up? I should soecify that nothing was off when we last saw each other. We went out to a movie and for drinks, and had a great time. Trying not to be the crazy, paranoid girl here but I like him A LOT and really scared he is going to fade.

 

Thanks all for your great advice. Hope everyone is enjoying the long weekend!

 

Ugh. OLD.

 

Yeah, it is unfortunate that he continues to visit the site. That means that he is looking for someone better or hoping. There's NO getting around that. When I start dating someone exclusively, I either de-activate or cease and desist. I would hope for the same from my partner and will hope for the best until she does something to show me that things are not kosher.

 

For now, I would enjoy the time together.

  • Like 2
Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted

I want to add that if you had just met each other and he was still looking at the app, it would be a little bit more understandable. But you guys have known each other for months and had sex and he's still looking. if you're OK with the status quo, cool, but if you want something more serious you should have that discussion with him ASAP and be prepared to walk if you don't get the answers you want. Because from this vantage point, he doesn't sound very interested

  • Like 1
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...