I want to move on, but can't escape my ex!

[bawdseyben]

Hi,

 

I have got some good advice from reading through the threads on this website, and I was hoping that I could get some.... So I got dumped about 4 weeks ago. The girl that did it I had been dating for 7 months and I was gutted. I am head over heals in love with this lass.

 

We met on Tinder and she works right next door to where I do. This was great which meant that we could spend all our lunches together, and had probably sat and chatted in every park and eatery in Central London. We would spend 4-5 nights together each week.

 

Ultimately one reason I think that the relationship broke down was one of space, we loved spending time together, but didn't see the negative aspect of her not being able to build her own life (I met her a month after she moved to London).

 

Along with this there were a lot of other possible outside influences - a PHD she hated, a new job, missing terribly her friends, ill family members; I was a lot more settled than her, and the reason she gave me was that my heart was in it more. This could be interpreted lots of ways but, but I'm going to respect that she knows herself.

 

I've tried my hardest not to linger on 'outside factors' as this just makes you want to re-write the past which you can't do (although I still replay constantly how I could have approached situations differently in my head).

 

When we initially broke up my head was all over the place. A couple of days later she was heading off to a hen do in the north and I left her a big long letter telling her how I felt about her, and reasons I thought we broke up. This was an impulsive thing that I regret, and only served to push her away further, in her words "more evidence your heart is in it more". We exchanged a couple of texts and then my rational side kicked it an I said I would like to cut contact for a while.

 

On top of this the day after we broke up I had a first appointment to see a psychiatrist, I had been waiting 6 months to see one and it was to start therapy for a tragedy that I had been in when I was 17 where 2 of my friends died. After going to this appointment and describing this event that I had bottled up for 15 years I felt more mentally fragile then I ever had, I returned to work the next day and all I could see everywhere was her, the bench that we sat on, the places that we ate lunch....etc. All these places of good memories where haunting me and I had a panic attack. I went to see the doctor in the evening and he signed me off for two weeks (for the first time in my life).

 

SIDE NOTE - I'm also epileptic so really have to make sure I sleep and avoid stress to not have seizures.

 

Fast-forward 25 days and I went back to work today. In the time off I have relaxed, exercised lots, taken a little holiday, and really taken the time to think about the relationship, what went wrong, and what I can learn from it. I have not contacted my ex and she has not contacted me.

 

At some point we are going to have to meet to exchange stuff, and I thought I might contact her this weekend to see if she would like to meet. That will be 30 days, which is internet's agreed time to leave it. I figure that if she has any regrets she has had the time to think about the relationship. When I see her I plan to not mention the relationship unless she does, and just show her me. I'll respect however she responds.... I'm not going to beg or try and change her mind.

 

Part of me has hope, but in my heart of hearts I know that it probably will not result in reconciliation, and I will have to move on. Now it is probably worth me mentioning I am 34 year old man, not in my mid 20s although relationship wise I feel like I am - I have had one long-term relationship (5 years) from 26-31; and another whirlwind one for 3 months a year ago. I don't feel I have time to spend a year pinning after this girl.

 

What seems to be a massive barrier is that work is not a place where I can escape to because she is associated so much with it. Sure I can put all her stuff in a box, and make my flat mine again, but the fact I will see her office every day really makes me feel like I won't be able to to truly heal, cut contact and move on.

 

When I went to work today it was not as bad as it was those days after, but it was still awful, and I don't think that it will change. I was terrified on the tube in.

 

I went in with all these ideas of taking another route to work, trying new places for lunch, but I ended-up sitting in the park by her office half hoping to catch a glimpse of her, but also half hoping I don't because I'd be torturing myself. I know I am going to need discipline, but I don't know if I trust myself.

 

It is almost like Facebook in real life - When you read what to do after a breakup it is to avoid the facebook/ instagram...etc sites of your ex. But I bet most people do just to get their fix, and then regret it after. It would be very easy to bump into her, and the temptation to make it more likely.

 

Ultimately I think that the thing to do will be to move into another role, I am definitely at that point anyway, and was applying for things before we broke up, but whether i get one is not guaranteed and I know that I will have to work in this vicinity for quite a while.....

 

What can I do? Do you think that I am approaching the break up the right way? Have you any thoughts about anything that I have described? How can I move on?

 

Any advice will be greatly appreciated, I know I have written a lot. Thankyou for reading if you have got to the end. I'll answer any questions or give some further information if any of you ask for it.

[Maldives]

Hi,

 

I have got some good advice from reading through the threads on this website, and I was hoping that I could get some.... So I got dumped about 4 weeks ago. The girl that did it I had been dating for 7 months and I was gutted. I am head over heals in love with this lass.

 

We met on Tinder and she works right next door to where I do. This was great which meant that we could spend all our lunches together, and had probably sat and chatted in every park and eatery in Central London. We would spend 4-5 nights together each week.

 

Ultimately one reason I think that the relationship broke down was one of space, we loved spending time together, but didn't see the negative aspect of her not being able to build her own life (I met her a month after she moved to London).

 

Along with this there were a lot of other possible outside influences - a PHD she hated, a new job, missing terribly her friends, ill family members; I was a lot more settled than her, and the reason she gave me was that my heart was in it more. This could be interpreted lots of ways but, but I'm going to respect that she knows herself.

 

I've tried my hardest not to linger on 'outside factors' as this just makes you want to re-write the past which you can't do (although I still replay constantly how I could have approached situations differently in my head).

 

When we initially broke up my head was all over the place. A couple of days later she was heading off to a hen do in the north and I left her a big long letter telling her how I felt about her, and reasons I thought we broke up. This was an impulsive thing that I regret, and only served to push her away further, in her words "more evidence your heart is in it more". We exchanged a couple of texts and then my rational side kicked it an I said I would like to cut contact for a while.

 

On top of this the day after we broke up I had a first appointment to see a psychiatrist, I had been waiting 6 months to see one and it was to start therapy for a tragedy that I had been in when I was 17 where 2 of my friends died. After going to this appointment and describing this event that I had bottled up for 15 years I felt more mentally fragile then I ever had, I returned to work the next day and all I could see everywhere was her, the bench that we sat on, the places that we ate lunch....etc. All these places of good memories where haunting me and I had a panic attack. I went to see the doctor in the evening and he signed me off for two weeks (for the first time in my life).

 

SIDE NOTE - I'm also epileptic so really have to make sure I sleep and avoid stress to not have seizures.

 

Fast-forward 25 days and I went back to work today. In the time off I have relaxed, exercised lots, taken a little holiday, and really taken the time to think about the relationship, what went wrong, and what I can learn from it. I have not contacted my ex and she has not contacted me.

 

At some point we are going to have to meet to exchange stuff, and I thought I might contact her this weekend to see if she would like to meet. That will be 30 days, which is internet's agreed time to leave it. I figure that if she has any regrets she has had the time to think about the relationship. When I see her I plan to not mention the relationship unless she does, and just show her me. I'll respect however she responds.... I'm not going to beg or try and change her mind.

 

Part of me has hope, but in my heart of hearts I know that it probably will not result in reconciliation, and I will have to move on. Now it is probably worth me mentioning I am 34 year old man, not in my mid 20s although relationship wise I feel like I am - I have had one long-term relationship (5 years) from 26-31; and another whirlwind one for 3 months a year ago. I don't feel I have time to spend a year pinning after this girl.

 

What seems to be a massive barrier is that work is not a place where I can escape to because she is associated so much with it. Sure I can put all her stuff in a box, and make my flat mine again, but the fact I will see her office every day really makes me feel like I won't be able to to truly heal, cut contact and move on.

 

When I went to work today it was not as bad as it was those days after, but it was still awful, and I don't think that it will change. I was terrified on the tube in.

 

I went in with all these ideas of taking another route to work, trying new places for lunch, but I ended-up sitting in the park by her office half hoping to catch a glimpse of her, but also half hoping I don't because I'd be torturing myself. I know I am going to need discipline, but I don't know if I trust myself.

 

It is almost like Facebook in real life - When you read what to do after a breakup it is to avoid the facebook/ instagram...etc sites of your ex. But I bet most people do just to get their fix, and then regret it after. It would be very easy to bump into her, and the temptation to make it more likely.

 

Ultimately I think that the thing to do will be to move into another role, I am definitely at that point anyway, and was applying for things before we broke up, but whether i get one is not guaranteed and I know that I will have to work in this vicinity for quite a while.....

 

What can I do? Do you think that I am approaching the break up the right way? Have you any thoughts about anything that I have described? How can I move on?

 

Any advice will be greatly appreciated, I know I have written a lot. Thankyou for reading if you have got to the end. I'll answer any questions or give some further information if any of you ask for it.

 

You'll love my story

 

Me n my ex work together and I have to see her everyday.

We were together 6 yrs been broken up almost a yr

Where I live it's a regional holiday place and it's not easy to get a really good job where I am it's a really good job.

A few mths after we split she starts seeing a work colleague which was hell for me such torture watching them interact.

Luckily he left to move overseas to London lol from Australia it was a relief.

I never knew someone could be as cold or as vengeful as her I didn't see it coming missed the red flags.after almost a yr of this It gets a little better but if u can I would reccomemed to leave. For me there are pain triggers every week because of the way she is it's not fun and to be honest I'm at the point where I've decided it's best I leave. She's sabotaged my dream of living here some people are truly not good.

As long as u can get something better do it for ur own well being and mental health take it from me this has been hell having to work wth her it's just painful and keeps reopening wounds

[penelopeanne]

my ex and i work across the street from each other and it added an extra layer of pain and feeling uncomfortable.

now 5+ months later, it has gotten easier.

in the beginning IT SUCKED.

i could barely focus at work and kept looking out the door towards his office obsessively.

i caught a few glimpses, he caught one of me.

all of this before we actually had our first real life run in, 4 months to the day of the break up.

now i don't find myself doing that much anymore.

in fact, now i don't really want to see him or interact.

i stopped social media stalking, i don't feel like i want to see anything now.

i feel pretty indifferent, but it took time.

[kortz]

It takes time, hang in there. You should try detach the memories of her to the places you go to...at the end of the day, an office is just another building, a park is just another area of grass and trees and cafes/restaurants are just places people go to eat and drink. The memories you have are with her and you're romanticizing all the these places which is normal to do, but try to start and see them objectively for what they are.

 

As for getting her stuff back to her...it sounds like you're not in the right frame of mind to be seeing her regardless of some 30 day rule, and also try and see that she hasn't contacted you in the 30 days which serves as a good indicator that she is moving on. If she wanted to be with you she would, it really is that simple. By even having a tiny glimmer of hope you're setting yourself up for more hurt and disappointment. My advice would be to get a friend to drop off her stuff and pick up yours and for you to let go of any hope and concentrate on moving on.