back in touch with OW

[lynnspies1]

He says he is willing to work on the M. He is in MC and IC. He says he had discontinued communication with her and that it is over. He says he wants to grow old with me and never hurt me like that again. However we all know he is still communicating with her regularly.

 

He had been very pissy for several days last week in a row. At that same time all communication between them stopped as of Wednesday. He was off yesterday and today and we have all had such a nice time. We took the kids to the beach today and just laid in the sand and enjoyed playing with them and being together. Last night we went out to dinner and it was great. Even our waiter mentioned what a nice looking, happy family we were. We had such a nice time with the kids.

 

My husband had a knock down drag out conversation with his Mother yesterday and it really affected him. He talk to her about things in his child hood that have come up in MC and IC. He then talked to me for a couple hours and it was very relaxing to send some quiet time together not talking about "that who's name must not be spoken", as I like to call her.

 

So, I wonder, is it possible that my husband is continuing his emotional attachment to this OW but has no intension of acting out on it? Is it possible that he really does want to work out the M and stay? I think he wants to have her on the side because she is exciting and is 100% into him and I am divided between him, kids, job, house, etc. And yes I already know he is a selfish immature brat! This whole thing is a journey of discovery. I have learned so much about him and myself. It is not for nothing!

 

Lynn

[lust4life]

Lynn, tell him you know he is lying about not being in contact. Be honest, make an important step in the relationship and tell him you know he is still "talking" to her. Explain to him all the hterapy in the world won't help unless he is honest with you and the therapists.

 

Yes, he can be carrying on a relationship outside the marriage and still want the marriage to work. You have to tell him you aren't naive or stupid and know he is still trying to play at life. Life isn't a game though. Tell him you know.

[lynnspies1]

I will do that,

 

I have an appointment with an attorney next week. I want to get information about separation, custody, child support, divorce. I have only been married once, so I have no clue what to expect. Then in our next therapy appointment after that I will come clean. I have documented everything, copied all the e-mails and instant messages.

 

I am still waiting to get some information about if he ever went to her for counselling in the very beginning. I should be able to get that cleared up in the nest day or two. Once I have everything I will spill the beans in counselling and see what the MC says, after all he has been lying to her also.

 

Lynn

[lust4life]

Good for you. You really do have you ducks lined up. I did the same thing, I went to an attorney, I needed to know what my rights were and to feel empowered by knowledge.

 

I have a few emails from the OW the are burned in my brain.

[lynnspies1]

Well, I found out tonight that the counselling program the OW was trained in was for her own department only. They do not work with outside agencies. My husband worked with an outside agency that was dispatched by her department. So, she did not see him on a professional level. I still think I could pursue something with her on a civil level or even the city she works for because she should know that he was in a vulnerable situation having marital problems and she got involved with him anyway.

 

I don't like going that route because he ultimately is responsible for his actions even if he is screwed up in the head. I hate it when people try to put blame for their weaknesses on the other person.

 

That being said I have the info if needed. Now I just go to the attorney talk about all the possibilities and meet with the MC and my husband. I find it interesting that they have not communicated since Wednesday. I know my husband did not find out about the key stroke log, I also know he has been very busy with his new job and very focused on the family. He even made the comment that he was beginning to feel like himself again the other night when we were talking.

 

I wonder if she cut off communication with him again? She did it once before he told me he would go NC. She told him that she did not want to be the OW and that she would not be talking or writing him any longer. She told him last week that she was single and joke with him about it in one of their messages. The only other thing is that one of them could have found this site and saw everything. The chances of that are slim though. Hmmm...???

 

Lynn

[lust4life]

Very slim that they would find this site and know you are writing on it.

 

I think you are taking the right steps. Talk about this in MC and go to the attorney, you will feel better knowing your rights and your financial situation.

[lynnspies1]

It all came out last night. He has never stopped contact with her. He has a relationship with her. They have not seen each other since Easter but had made plans to next week because he has been called to testify in court in the city she lives in. He still wants her in his life. He does not want to loose me or the kids but enjoys her so much that he has been willing to risk it. He said that he would stop contact with her if I left him and that he would not like to give her up but he would if it meant I would leave him. He also said that she makes him happy and if he looses that happiness he may not be as happy with me. He stated that as of yesterday things were great between him and I and I had no clue what was going on and that ignorance is bliss. Like if I don't know he is sleeping with her it's OK.

 

I cried my eyes out, can't even see straight. I loved him more than he loved me. I valued our relationship more than he did. I feel a great sense of loss, it is very sad.

 

More later, when i can see better, Lynn

[Mz. Pixie]

Lynn, I'm sorry to hear this honey- you deserve so much more.

[Owl]

Lynn,

 

I too am very sorry to hear this. It's the one thing that all of us BS's fear...that we were played as a fool and the affair never really ended.

 

At this point, my suggestion for you is to do what is best for you and your kids...regardless of what that may or may not be for him.

 

If you truly feel that your love and relationship can recover, then tell him that he HAS to leave her...and that it's going to be up to HIM to re-build your love and trust in him at this point...and if he's not up to it, then it's over between the two of you. But that everything now will depend on HIM doing the right things...that all the work to rebuild the relationship is no longer YOUR responsibility.

 

If you don't feel you can recover your marriage and family, then tell him to end it now.

 

Sorry I don't have any sage advice for you friend...but you do have my prayers!

[New_Wife]

How you keep from stuffing a pair of socks down his throat while he sleeps I will never know. Well, I guess I do know, I never killed my cheating H, but wow did I have some twisted fantasies!

 

All of the revenge talk is fun, and you should definitely allow yourself some measure of sick fantasy about it - but in the end, all it would do is prolong your suffering to carry the triange out further. It is for YOU that I suggest doing nothing, not for her.

 

You deserve better. I hate to say this - but coming from a family of cops and having worked in L.E. myself, the cheating rate is HUGE in that profession.

 

Perhaps, 5 years down the road, you'll find a nice fireman. (kidding - hope you smiled at least).

 

Stay in counseling. It'll help, whatever you have to do.

[Owl]

I never had fantasies about getting revenge on my wife...now the OM...THAT is another story!!! LOL

[NiCoLe20]

once a cheater, always a cheater

 

get an attorney, divorce, kick him out, and start a new life w/o this man.

 

he's a lying cheating dog and most likely, he wont change. you dont deserve this, and ur kids dont deserve this as well. you deserve someone who can look you in the eyes and say they love you and that YOUR the only person they want to share their life with. stop dragging this along and end it... it will only get worse. good luck

[lynnspies1]

Thanks everyone, I still feel like I am in a fog, so forgive me if this rambles.

 

The revenge issue is not an issue. If she had been malicious it might be different. However, she was not, he lied to her. He told her we were in the process of splitting up, that I had even been staying with my sister, etc.

 

I wrote her an email and told her all the of things him and I had talked about. She was very upset and said she did not intend to hurt me or my family. Then she did something totally unexpected...she copied and pasted all the emails between them in the last few days. She confronted him when this came out yesterday and he lied again.

 

She says it is over and she will never have any communication with him. Is she lying? Could be, I don't think she would have copied the emails to me if she was not done with him.

 

I showed everything to him, the email from her and everything. So, now I guess we wait to see the MC. I have no clue if this man is able to be in a committed relationship with one person. Now that she is out of the picture, some other girl will trip over his di*k and he won't be able to say no. The issue is far from over.

 

Thanks for all of your support, and OWL thanks for the prayers, they mean a lot!

 

Lynn

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by lynnspies1

He still wants her in his life. He does not want to loose me or the kids but enjoys her so much that he has been willing to risk it. He said that he would stop contact with her if I left him and that he would not like to give her up but he would if it meant I would leave him. He also said that she makes him happy and if he looses that happiness he may not be as happy with me.

 

I've got to be honest..... I'd just dump his ASS after hearing all that. Of all the disrespectful bullsh*t I've heard lately, that comes close to topping it all! I wonder if that would work for him....if it was you out screwing around with someone else. I doubt it.

 

But that's me, and not you. What do YOU want to do?

 

No matter what you decide....this has got to COST him. I mean BIG-TIME. Otherwise, you're going to spend ALL your time checking up on him. And that'll be for the entire length of the marriage. It's not a matter of being punative. It's rather forcing him to make a REAL decision.

 

I know you're planning on taking the issue up at MC, but I hope you'll bear in mind that your MC has a job to do. That job is saving marriages. Is that even what you want at this point?

 

I'll share a story with you..... I know this elderly couple, married for well over 60 years. The husband is frail now, and using a walker to get around. Even then, not getting around much. But that's not how it was many years ago, and ALL through their marriage. He got around PLENTY back then.

 

Now, the wife is still pretty sharp. But geriatric dementia is beginning to set in, and it's ALL centered around one issue....one major delusion. She's utterly convinced, in her mind at least, that he's STILL trying to cheat on her. The guy can't even walk by himself anymore.....but she really believes that if she stops watching him for a minute, he'll be cheating on her again.

 

How f*cking sad is THAT?!!

 

I think the morale here is that if you don't solve this issue now....you'll be dealing with it all your life.

 

I'm going to throw something out at you.... No pressure. It's a risky maneuver.

 

But what if you threw him out, and went totally NO CONTACT with him for a limited period. Something like three weeks.

 

The risk is obvious.....that he'll run to OW, make it up with her after their fight, and NEVER be back.

 

I have to wonder though, if his inclination takes him there under adversity....would he not perhaps go there anyway?...or to some other OW some time in the future?

 

This guy seems to believe that he's busted but it's no big deal. Give it some time, smooth things over, and everything will get back to status quo. That smacks of entitlement. Like somewhere in his mind, he's got a right to do this.

 

The advantages of a three-week hiatus from pain and chaos are obvious for you. For one, you might decide you don't want to be checking up on his sorry ass for the rest of your life, and just divorce him out of hand. For another, you'll be able to observe his reaction. What will he do if called upon to save his primary relationship? And for yet a third good reason, you'll be able to impress upon him, at least for a short while anyway...what life would really be like without your love and support. Without the sense of 'home' that you provide him.

 

It's alot to think about. But short of making the break permanent from the start, it could be a viable option.

 

You could simply tell him that you need some time to think. Time to decide if you truly even want to make another try with him. Which brings us to reason #4, btw.....a couple of weeks on tenterhooks waiting for YOUR decision this time might finally convince him that there are limits to how much a person can tolerate.

 

Think it over carefully. Then do what's right for YOU.

 

It occurs to me though that most divorcees heal very nicely in about six months. While recovery from infidelity is more like TWO YEARS. You're back to day one on that.

 

If it were me....I'd go to Plan D.

[Ladyjane14]

One other thing....

 

I read this post by Mz. Pixie on another thread. I hope she won't mind me quoting it here in it's entirety:

 

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie....

 

"I guess the real dream I have is to love and be loved by someone as I love them. I hope it ends up being MW but if not... that's not a dream I think I'll be able to give up"

 

MLC- hugs honey. I was sitting here reading your thread thinking how I know exactly how you feel. I remember how depressed I felt after my grandmother died and the only person in the world who had ever put me first had left this earth. I thought to myself, I have everything you could ever want- a beautiful new home, a nice car, a good job, healthy great kids, wonderful inlaws. But, I didn't have a relationship with my husband, and as George Strait says, "If you ain't loving, then you ain't living"

 

I gave up much sooner than you did. I'm not saying that giving up on my marriage was the best thing, and the affair was certainly not the best thing. But leaving was all I could do. If not I would have had a full nervous breakdown. I had to resign myself to the fact that he would not ever change. Of course, his issues were not because of childhood sexual abuse- had that been the issue I'm not sure what I would have done?

 

You know what? He still hasn't changed. The only thing he is doing differently is spending more time with his kids and having to pay his bills- only because I'm not there to always do that for him. He still goes and does whatever he wants, puts himself first and his new spineless girlfriend drags along with him for all his fun activities (she's perfect for him because she has no needs apparently).

 

When I left him, for me, it was the perfect time. I say that because if I would have left sooner or if I would have left later I would have never have met my new husband. It was a perfect alignment of the planets when we met because we would have never met otherwise. I can only say that since the day I met him in November my life has changed. Even though I was put through the wringer financially and emotionally with the divorce- and I lost almost everything I had- friends- etc and gave up the other- my home, my car that it was all most certainly worth it. Even if sometime down the line he was to ever leave me, it would have all been worth it because I got to love him for a period of time and got to be loved by him.

 

See, I've never been loved like he's loved me. Never been put first- never had my husband dance with me in the living room on a Sunday night for no reason- never had lovemaking so achingly good that I wanted to cry- never connected with anyone like I have with him. People that know me marvel at the change in me. I smile, my eyes sparkle, I giggle anytime his name is mentioned. Funny thing, it's the same for him. That was worth it to me, whatever the price I had to pay. Everyone should love and be loved like that. I'm not saying if you do leave it will be perfect or easy or that you will get what you want. But, I just happened to do it. I took a chance and I won. I hope if you take a chance that you win too.

 

I think she illustrates very nicely that there IS hope, after a relationship has failed. Not everytime, but SOMETIMES....a person finds all they desire by changing their course.

 

I'm ALL ABOUT families staying together. But the sad fact is that someday you'll be buying this guy's Depends and sorting his medication into the 'day-of-the-week' container.

 

Maybe you'll be happy that you overcame this huge hurdle in your marriage while you're doing that. And maybe you'll be wondering if you wasted your youth on a cheater. Who knows.

 

But one thing is absolutely certain. You DESERVE the opportunity to weigh all this out and make the best decision for YOU. Afterall, it was because of his earlier decisions that it's now necessary for you to go there. So, he can just 'juggle his nuts' and wait, until you make YOUR choice.