back in touch with OW

August 9, 2005

After months of what I thought was NC between my husband and the OW, I began to notice signs of past behavior. My husband started a new job last week and I thought his behavior was due to the stress of the new job.

To be on the safe side, (private investigator in me) I installed a key stroke monitor and found he is back carrying on with her in sexual IM and e-mails and talking on the phone with her while I am at work. Even suggesting that she apply for a job in this area (she lives 3 hours away).

I think it is time for me to go now. I will have to uproot my kids and move one hour away and put them in a new school. That will suck for them. I don't know what else to do. I was the supportive wife, fought for him, went to counselling the whole 9 yards.

I have not had contact with the OW since DDay. I am thinking of calling her and telling her I know all this has been going on and she can have him and his dirty laundry and God help her when he cheats on her!

Lynn

August 9, 2005

Have you told your H that you know?

August 9, 2005

what is a key stroke monitor?

Getting your kids uprooted is better than leaving them to see the mess your H is causing. You can do it!

August 9, 2005

I am so very sorry. I agree w/ Beth, uprooting your kids and moving away is better than living in a M where the S is unfaithful. My kids were 10 and 8 when I uprooted from their school and started them a new one b/c my H was also having an A. I moved 100 miles back to my hometown where my family was. I waited until they finished their last day of school and moved.

I was worried about starting them in a new school, but they did AWESOME! They have even more friends now than they did at their old school. They miss their old friends but their new friends are even better for them.

I know some ppl may tell you not to contact the OW but I would. I contacted H's exOW and I don't regret calling her.

I am so very sorry.

August 9, 2005

My husband (if you could call him that) does not know. We have a vacation for a couple days with my family this weekend that the kids have really been looking forward to. I think I will let the key stroke thing ride for a few more days and collect more evidence.

Here is the kicker. For those of you who don't know....

My H is a police officer, the OW is a dispatcher where he used to work. They carried on for several months and then I found out. HE was going to leave me for her, decided he could not loose the kids, loved me etc, so he stayed. He then lost his job and then had no opportunity to see each other let alone talk because I monitor everything. He had been instant messaging her and deleting the history to keep in contact with her. I thought all along that he was not in touch with her except for a couple slip ups with NC that he said were just "hey how is it going"

Now for the kicker part, He told me once that she was a "cops counsellor" and that she had received some training on talking with police officers about their problems. I questioned him early on if he had spoken to her as a counsellor about our problems prior to becoming involved with her. He said "no". I am in the process of researching this program and trying to find out if records are kept because I do believe that if this woman saw him as a counsellor and then became involved with him I will pursue the matter further.

You would think that she knows he is married and has been hiding communication with him and he has been sneaking around to talk to her. He stayed with me the first time..why does she still want him? why would she want to break up our family? why cant my H give her up and why if he wants her so much, does he just not leave me for her?

August 9, 2005

it is sad, but I am sure he is telling her everything she wants to hear and that is why she wants him and that is why she is inturn breaking up your family. It has a lot to do with how the H treats them. The H will lie to the W and the OW..making them both happy. So he thinks.

August 9, 2005

He stays w/ her b/c of the excitment of the relationship, the sex, whatever. It's basically a fantasy. He stays w/ you b/c your his W, you have a family, and he doesn't want to give that up. He has the best (or so he thinks) of both worlds. The OW whom he can have his fun w/, and his W and children. He wants his cake and eat it too.

August 10, 2005

Originally posted by beth5201
what is a key stroke monitor?

Software program you can buy online or at office stores that allows you to secretly monitor every e-mail and instant message, incoming and outgoing.

The funny thing is I spoke with my sister just before I installed the program and knew then what I would see. The minute I left the house for work he was online with her talking about kissing and touching, how they could not stand to be apart. Makes me want to VOMIT! I hate him.

August 10, 2005

Lynn,

I am so sorry for you. No wonder you hate him. Make sure you print off copies and keep them. What are you going to do?

Sylvia

August 10, 2005

I guess the next step would be taking the printouts to a lawyer and getting some legal advice to take the next steps toward separation/divorce. I wouldn't tell H just yet, until you talk to someone. Find out the maximum settlement you are entitled to, and have your lawyers push for that. Heck, wouldn't it be interesting if your H was forced to repay you the costs of all that counseling? Not sure if that could happen, but in some cases - it should.

Does OW have a H or BF? I guess on the OW end of things, the best you can do is completely out the affair to whomever you can think of. Her bosses, her spouse or b/f, etc. No sense in making it easy on her on your way out.

August 10, 2005

The OW is separated from her husband of 17 years. She was involved in a three year affair with another married police office and ended up destroying that family but not staying with the OM. She is single right now.

I am going to just play like nothing is up until after the vacation with the kids. I printed their communications and will continue to do so. California is a no fault 50/50 state. Unfortunately we have nothing as far as assets are concerned as he has been inconsistent about his career. He did just get a very good job and one that I hope he can be at for 20 years. He will get a nice retirement from it.

As for her I think I will contact her after the vacation and tell her if she does not go NC I will picket in from of the police department where she works. Heck I might do it anyway just for kicks. My husband is 100% to blame for this mess but she knew he was married and has continued to sneak around to communicate with him.

Now I am in defense mode.

August 10, 2005

Depending on how badly you want to screw up the OW, you may want to consider this:

If it is true that she also serves as a cop counsellor as part of her job duties, you could consider threatening to sue the police station. Counsellors are not allowed to get involved with the people they counsel. The unqualified 'counsellor' took advantage of her role of advising police officers as a way to have sex. Since the police station put her in that role, they may be liable.

My husband and I when we got married said we will not change who we are or how we treat people UNLESS there is infidelity. I told him that if he did cheat on me I would make life miserable for him and he said the same. Once someone has destroyed the trust, respect, and love that they pledged to keep, than the gloves come off, IMO!

BTW, I admire your strength. Good luck.

August 10, 2005

Debster,

I think what you call strength, I call stupidity. I feel like such an idiot for thinking he would fix this mess. I feel like I have been used to support him while he was out of work for over three month. I was the laundry, sex, food, place to stay while I figure out a way to the real woman I love.

I reread some of the messages between them. He says things to her that he never says to me and I have craved hearing them. He tells her she is beautiful and she is not like any other woman he has ever met. At first it made me want to vomit but them I felt sad because I really think he does want to be with her and can't figure out how to make it happen.

The old ..."if you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with".

Sad for him and sad for me.

August 10, 2005

After all is said and done, at the least it can be said that you were the one that tried. The fact that he didn't says more about him than it ever would about you.

August 11, 2005

Geez, I'm soooo sorry to hear this.

I really was hoping that you'd beat the odds on this one. But I have to admit, it troubled me all along that this was his SECOND offense....that you know of, anyway.

I honestly don't know HOW you are keeping your cool right now. You're a "better man than I am Gunga Din".....because there would be shirts on the lawn right now if I was in your shoes. So, I salute you....and I'm proud of you....for keeping a cool head.

Originally posted by Debster
If it is true that she also serves as a cop counsellor as part of her job duties, you could consider threatening to sue the police station. Counsellors are not allowed to get involved with the people they counsel. The unqualified 'counsellor' took advantage of her role of advising police officers as a way to have sex. Since the police station put her in that role, they may be liable.

At the end of the day....I'm not REALLY much of a lady. And I'm forced to admit, that I'd be as vindictive as the day is long with an OW who interfered in MY LIFE. I really don't think there's any reason at this point not to make her regret her choices. So, personally....I'd take this advice from Debster to heart, and I'd follow it to the letter.

I'm usually NOT in favor of revenge tactics. But there's something to be said, at the end of the day....for NOT allowing yourself to be victimized without recompense.

Honestly, I don't know if that's right or wrong. But I'm pretty p*ssed off right now on your behalf!

Your husband has ALREADY stepped on his own d*ck. He'll find that out soon enough. Because there isn't another "Lynnspies" ANYWHERE. Maybe that's just one of the reasons we don't have quite as many revenge fantasies involving the unfaithful partner? Because we already know that they'll get theirs.

That wouldn't stop me from getting a good lawyer and making absolutely certain of it though!

Anyway, as LB pointed out, you really did do all you could do here. Your choices now are to either continue living with a man who cheats you of what is rightfully yours....exposing you to vile diseases in the process. (I can't even tell you how much it p*sses me off that he's LIED DIRECTLY TO YOUR FACE FOR THREE MONTHS!) Or, you can put him and his lies behind you.

I wish you well, hon....and I'm sorry for your pain.

August 11, 2005

I really thought we were on the mend. He has not seen her physically but if given the opportunity he would do it. It is interesting that he had been off work for three months, he could have lied to me on any given day and gone to see her but he has not (she lives 3 hours away). A couple o days ago he told me he had signed up for some overtime shifts at work. I thought he meant full days and that would have been enough time to meet up with her, but then he told me they were just four hour shifts to cover football games. I suggested that I bring the kids out for the games because our son is crazy for football and thought that was a great idea.

So, I know they have this emotional connection. The physical affair stopped in March. They have been continuing to have this emotional affair for months. I am continuing to gather info. I put a call into her department to find out about this counselling program. If you all remember the very first thing that made me suspect something was up was, H came home from work and said he was having problems with a bunch of stuff and he was unhappy and had spoken to a counsellor through employee assistance network and had been in counselling for several weeks without my knowledge. I have no proof that he ever went to any counselling except for the kind that involved him laying down in her bed.

In the mean time I am OK. I have been very busy with work and kids. We have a bunch of fun stuff coming up in the next two months and I am going to be strong and not let this get to me like last time. It really effected the kids and my ability to parent them. This is only one aspect of my life, the rest is good.

Lynn

August 11, 2005

Lynn,

Is there not anyway your husband would put his family and you as priorities if you were to confront him again? It feels so wrong to hear about people that continue to cheat and continue to put their families as a back burner priority. Ther has to be a way to get the flirtling and lust back into your relationship. I think if I were in yoru situation the first thing I would do is get the internet service removed from the household.

August 11, 2005

We have always had a great frequent sexual relationship. He did complain about his drive being higher then mine but he was getting it on average 4-7 times per week and sometimes twice a day.

I confronted him with the first affair, the affair (with his ex girlfriend) had ended because she wanted him to leave me and he would not. I was seven months pregnant with our second child when I found out. He promised never to do it again. We did MC and moved on. Things were really good for the next seven years. I trusted him again. Then everything went to Sh*t. He met her at work and began an emotional and physical affair with her. I found out as it was going on. Confronted him, he was going to leave me but decided he could not leave. He started NC or so I thought, he had a couple small slip ups, or so I thought. We found a great MC that we both clicked with. He said he would never do this to me again, never hurt me like this again. He wanted to figure out through MC and IC why he did this and how he could prevent it from happening again. ALL LIES.

As for the Internet, I work from home and have to have high speed Internet. Besides, he has the Internet at work he could contact her anytime.

August 11, 2005

Lust4Life,

Some people NEVER get it. Clearly her husband is one of them. Also, removing the internet is only putting a bandaid on his cheating ways.

August 11, 2005

I forgot, I was going to say that I don't think this affair is about sex. She gives him something that I don't. I know she strokes his ego (which is huge). I have tried everything he would tell me as far as things he needed. I don't even think he can communicate what it is. They do have a connection. We have a connection also but it is different. We have history and our kids. He does not want to loose that not to mention we both come from conservative Christian homes. He would have a hard time with his family accepting his new woman.

Honestly, I don't think he wants to leave me. I think he likes the excitement of "having her in his back pocket" as the therapist says. I think if I made the decision to leave him, he would make an effort to be with her. It is hard for them now due to the distance. She has her teenage kids and family down there and a good job. I don't know if she would relocate or not. I can't imagine sharing my kids with her as their step-mom. Good grief, is that why I am staying!?!

Lynn

August 11, 2005

I'm not one for revenge, but this woman sounds like she deserves what she'd get. I think you should go with the suggestion to pursue a lawsuit against the police station. If you could prove that she was already in an affair with another officer and that the police station knew about it but let her stay on as a counselor, you could have something major, especially if she was a counselor to that officer as well.

Even if you don't have grounds for a lawsuit, you should do everything in your power to get this woman fired if she's still working the same job and stripped of any creditials she actually has. She sounds like a predator who's using her position to pick off easy prey. That's completely unethical. Find out if she has any kind of license and then go to the board that licenses her. If she was counseling the other officer she snared, it'd probably help if you could enlist the help of his wife.

Great job about keeping cool with this whole thing. I don't think you should bust him even when you get back from vacation. You should keep what you know under wraps until you've talked to a lawyer, because it'll be a lot easier gathering evidence against your H and the OW if they don't suspect you're onto them.

August 11, 2005

Good God, I got so sick after writing about her with my kids. I think that is my hang up.

I just got off the phone with human resources at the department where she works. They do have that counselling program and I have a call in to the person in charge. I also contacted the DA's office and found that I can't file a restraining order against her. That is a bummer, How would that look on her record! A police dispatcher with a restraining order against her .

Lynn

August 12, 2005

Lovenoloss-

I agree it would be a bandaid! It would provide a little distance from his OW that the marriage may need though in order for him to break his addiction to the thrill of the secondary or taboo relationsihp. I HOPE if I ever suspected my H of communicating like that again I would pull the internet- Wait scrap that, I hope I would just toss his butt out, he had his chance!

Yea, maybe she,Lynn, should find out if this OW is actually IMing and such from work. Lynn is certainly having her life affected so why can't she affect the OWs life.

Lynn seems to have detached though somewhat and is protecting herself by not letting the new part of this affair affect her like the last time. She sounds like she is keeping the kids busy too, daddy is phasing himself out a the family and may not even realize it! Too bad we can't find out his IM name and tell him just what his kids are experiencing by loosing their dad!

Lynn, can you let the dept. knwo that she is IMing from work?

August 12, 2005

Oh Lynn, I am so sorry. My brother was a cop, had an affair (even kept it up during MC!), eventually he and my sis-in-law split. Sis moved back to TX w/her girls and left my brother in SoCal. He was devastated to lose those girls. OW then inherited some $$$ and bought a house in IDAHO! Brother didn't want to leave his job and pension so they became a long-distance couple. Eventually it petered out and died. Brother left the force to become a software engineer - moved to Norman OK and lost that job, moved to NM and lost that job, now living in Houston with the parents of his best friend. That's what an A did for him

Sis is great! Finally happy again raising her girls and being a nurse. Big family nearby, lots of friends at church and no man because she just can't be bothered.

Lynn, you and me, we don't deserve this. We have to find the strength to carry on until the pain is gone. You have been so good to me. I send you (((HUGS))) and prayers for peace.

August 13, 2005

Originally posted by lynnspies1
I forgot, I was going to say that I don't think this affair is about sex. She gives him something that I don't. I know she strokes his ego (which is huge). I have tried everything he would tell me as far as things he needed. I don't even think he can communicate what it is. They do have a connection. We have a connection also but it is different. We have history and our kids. He does not want to loose that not to mention we both come from conservative Christian homes. He would have a hard time with his family accepting his new woman.

Honestly, I don't think he wants to leave me. I think he likes the excitement of "having her in his back pocket" as the therapist says. I think if I made the decision to leave him, he would make an effort to be with her. It is hard for them now due to the distance. She has her teenage kids and family down there and a good job. I don't know if she would relocate or not. I can't imagine sharing my kids with her as their step-mom. Good grief, is that why I am staying!?!

Lynn

Lynn, I know how you are feeling and I am so very sorry. The worst part of my H's A w/ his ex-OW is the thought of her being around my kids. It made me sick to my stomach knowing she could be in their lives. I don't think she would of M my H b/c in a love letter to her from my H mentioned that he knew she hated when he talked about M to her. That made me so sick! I sat and cried my eyes out until they hurt. When I read he was talking about wanting to M her when our D wasn't even close to be final yet, just made me sick!

I can't tell ya what to do w/ your life but have you thought about getting a seperation for now and see how things go? If he keeps in touch w/ the OW and refuses to make the M work then I would file for a D. You don't deserve this crap he is putting you through. I am so sorry

Sign In

back in touch with OW

Recommended Posts

lynnspies1

LucreziaBorgia

smile95

StillHurtin

lynnspies1

smile95

StillHurtin

lynnspies1

sylviaguardian

LucreziaBorgia

lynnspies1

Debster

lynnspies1

LucreziaBorgia

Ladyjane14

lynnspies1

lust4life

lynnspies1

LoveNoLoss

lynnspies1

crazy_grl

lynnspies1

lust4life

dresden

StillHurtin

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...