Boyfriend and I almost broke up last night and things are a mess, how can I stop this

[tessaw]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now, 2 of them long distance. In the past month or two, we've been fighting like crazy over the same exact thing once every week or so. The issue is that I don't feel like he cares about how much/often we communicate, he will leave hours (3-7) between texts and sometimes will not call when he says he will.

 

Last night we had the most serious (text, because he said he couldn't talk on the phone in the state he was in) conversation we've ever had about this fight. I told him it had crossed my mind that maybe this isn't right for either of us, despite how much I absolutely love him and wouldn't want this to end when the distance ends in two months. We discussed some more and I could tell that he was now toying with what I had mentioned. We decided *not* to break up but nothing he said resoundingly came across as "I LOVE YOU I WANT TO BE WITH YOU PLEASE CAN WE MAKE THIS WORK". He said he loved me as much as always but that now that I said it he realized all this fighting was unhealthy. I wouldn't say I feel very reassured.

 

 

He told me last night that he'd call me at 9:30am this morning, so I set an alarm for 9:20 and waited. He ended up texting me good morning around 9:40, and asked me what was up. I asked him if he was going to call and he told me to call him. This kind of rubbed me the wrong way, after all that happened last night I thought he would've stuck to his word and seen it as something really important he needed to do. He called me and we talked and it ended in another small fight but he had to go.

 

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I had been planning to drive down tomorrow to surprise him but not sure if I feel up to it with everything that's going on. I don't feel like he loves me as much as he used to/doesn't care half as much as he used to and I can't seem to shake that feeling. I am still head over heels for him and I just want everything to be okay.

 

What can I do to try to fix things on my end? What can I say to him to convey the feelings I've unrestrictedly expressed here? I asked him to call me later when he wasn't busy because this clearly isn't resolved.

[BaileyB]

I don't think you can fix it on your end. You've told him what you want, so now it's up to him to decide if he can do it. If he doesn't make the changes you want, then you have a decision to make.

 

Long distance relationships are hard. Communication becomes even more important. As long as you are not texting/calling excessively, I don't know that what you are asking is unreasonable. You must be flexible, but if this is a continuing pattern of behavior, then that may be a problem. I would be most upset by his response to your discussion. His attitude is rather immature and dismissive of your feelings. I wouldn't be very happy with his response. Sorry.

[d0nnivain]

Drive down there. You are not going to fix anything via text.

 

When is the distance going to close? If it's not, then just give up.

 

I can't really wrap my head around the idea that in an LDR you are annoyed because he takes time to respond. 3-7 hours doesn't seem like much to me. Then again I did an LDR in the dark ages when we got 1 long distance phone call per week for 1 hour on Wednesdays after 11 p.m. my time when the rates went down.

 

On some level your BF isn't living up to his promises -- him saying he'll call you at a specific time, then texting 10 minutes late & asking you to call him but your failure to call him in response didn't do anything to help the situation.

 

When you go down there, have a concrete but reasonable list of what you need from him in order to feel more secure. You can't say that he must respond to all your texts in 5 minutes That is unreasonable. You can say that you expect a phone call per day; taking turns initiating, him then you, then him etc. You can say you want a snail mail letter / card once per month. Something where he has to put in effort & buy a stamp. You can say you want a skype "date" at least once per week. You can say you want to see each other once every _______ (month, quarter, year) depending on the distance. But don't just say you want him to show you that he cares more without telling him exactly what that looks like to you.

[bummer]

I'll jump the gun by saying you better prepare yourself for when he finally gets the balls to end it.

 

I am guessing, but he feels smothered at the same time he's detaching. The two forces are working together. Likely, the wheels of this bus have been in motion longer than you had time to react and make any adjustments. You can't save a relationship with a partner who is already most of the way out the door.

 

Practice playing it cool cucumber style and leave him alone. Only respond when he has legitimate questions or says something more than hey, whats up? Anyways, prepare yourself.

[Gaeta]

Where to start....

 

You are both 18 and been dating for 4 years. This means you've been dating since you are 14 years old.

 

Your boyfriend just got in the army and he's turning into a man. The last thing he needs is a cligny girlfriend that cries and yells over the phone each time he calls. What you are doing is called *killing the love*. What man wants to call his girlfriend if he knows ahead of time he'll be yelled at? He's out there in the training field, being asked to push himself beyond his limits and you want to talk about him not 'calling enough'.

 

What about your life? Are you in college? are you planning to go to college? How are you pushing yourself beyond your limits?

 

You cannot emotionally depend on your bf for your emotional stability. It's not his job and he just can't supply what you want right now, he's got bigger things to attend to. At 18 a young man being away in the army should not have to endure being yelled at because his gf didn't hear from him in 3 hours.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Why couldn't he talk in the state he was in?!? You say that you have been together 4-years and 2 of them have been long distance. So, the last two years have been long distance?

[tessaw]

Why couldn't he talk in the state he was in?!? You say that you have been together 4-years and 2 of them have been long distance. So, the last two years have been long distance?

 

 

 

I don't know, he said he was upset and didn't want me to hear him like that. And yeah that's correct

[d0nnivain]

Where to start....

 

You are both 18 and been dating for 4 years. This means you've been dating since you are 14 years old.

 

Your boyfriend just got in the army and he's turning into a man. The last thing he needs is a cligny girlfriend that cries and yells over the phone each time he calls. What you are doing is called *killing the love*. What man wants to call his girlfriend if he knows ahead of time he'll be yelled at? He's out there in the training field, being asked to push himself beyond his limits and you want to talk about him not 'calling enough'.

 

What about your life? Are you in college? are you planning to go to college? How are you pushing yourself beyond your limits?

 

You cannot emotionally depend on your bf for your emotional stability. It's not his job and he just can't supply what you want right now, he's got bigger things to attend to. At 18 a young man being away in the army should not have to endure being yelled at because his gf didn't hear from him in 3 hours.

 

Oh dear. I didn't know all of the above. Sorry tessaw but as your childhood sweetheart turns into a man & starts the next phase of his life, he's leaving childhood & you behind. The more you cling & cry the faster, longer & harder you will run.

 

I still think you need to drive down there & talk to him. There is some small potential for you to keep this alive but it will require you to be a lot more understanding. In the military his time is not his own & you are not a priority right now. You have to support him, not distract him. In the field, if you are bugging him, you could get him killed. Do you understand that?

[Gr8fuln2020]

I don't know, he said he was upset and didn't want me to hear him like that. And yeah that's correct

 

Did he move b/c of a job and why didn't you go with him or are you the one who moved? How often have you two visited one another during the 2-years?

[Els]

I honestly think that you are overanalyzing things and sweating the small stuff, and that your expectations are stifling.

 

1. 3-7 hours between texts is not a long time considering that this is a DAILY basis in a 4-year-old R that we are talking about, not a special occasion or a honeymoon phase. If texting more often than that is your expectation, you are going to have a hard time in a R regardless of whether you are LD or not! I don't know ANYONE in an adult relationship who has time to text more often than that on a regular basis. Adults usually have to work and sometimes that involves taking *gasp!* 8 hours or more to respond to a non-urgent text.

 

2. He texted you all of 10 minutes late. I don't see why you are so hung up on that nor on the fact that he asked you to call him.

 

Granted, it's possible that there are bigger issues in your R and your fixating on little details like that is the result of you feeling unloved and uncared for in general. But in that case I would strongly urge you to sit down and think for yourself if that is the case - and if so, then talk to him about the bigger picture, not about the fact that he takes 3-7 hours to respond to a text...

[Gr8fuln2020]

Oh, wow, sorry. I missed the part of your age and dating only since 14. You both have a lot of growing up to do and it looks like the distance is giving your bf a chance to do his own growing and developing. Go see him as others have suggested, but you both are at an age where new experiences, people become much more interesting...

[kazen]

If you love him give him space, the worst thing to do is to fight over it. Girls love to talk, guys are different. If something is bothering us, we need time alone to sort through it. Let him have some free time to clear his head. If he loves you, he'll come back refresh and chatty again. By constantly pushing him to communicate with you, that will push him further away. By giving him space, it shows you are fine without him for some time and he might even miss you not txting him. So that's my suggestion.

[smackie9]

I see your point of view but here is the mom talk....get over yourself and grow up. You can't base your value to him over the amount of attention you get from him. In the grownups world everyone gets busy with life, and it is better to miss each other by giving some space. You will learn over time, that you can't always get what you want. And when you don't get what you want, you don't act like spoiled child and start fights.

 

You want him more, then give him his space and stop your whining. Be supportive of what he is doing, be caring, understanding and reward him with love. This is all he really wants from you. Think about it....most of the time when he does communicate with you, you turn it into an unpleasant experience. What would you do if it you were in his shoes? You would be dreading having any conversation, and would avoid it.....and that my dear is what is happening. He is avoiding the confrontations. CUT IT OUT NOW. Change for him and he will change for you.

Edited August 7, 2017 by smackie9