Vanity1 Posted August 7, 2017 Posted August 7, 2017 Any dumpers on here who feel like the dumpee? Totally not fair huh lol. Share your stories.
Bastile Posted August 7, 2017 Posted August 7, 2017 I certainly know what you mean. When people force us to dump them by badly testing our patience, self-esteem, or whatever, it often feels more like we were the ones broken up with. I call it a "force dump". That was basically the story of my early sexual history. Rage-quitting relationship after relationship I was almost always the dumper, but it certainly didn't feel like it. I think the reason for that was because I was a serial monogamist. And I wasn't confident in replacing attractive women in my life who didn't deserve to be there. It felt like I wasn't the one deciding much of anything - despite making the decision to break up. These days, the dynamic is very different. And I feel like the chooser. So, when I dump someone, it's a legit decision that I make or conclusion that I come to - rather than one being forced on me. 1
Micheley07 Posted August 7, 2017 Posted August 7, 2017 I am the dumper. 2 months ago I moved out. My ex bf is an alcoholic. I tried and tried for 4 years to change him. I think it hurts me just as much as him. The hardest part was to go no contact even being the dumper. I think with alcoholics you have to wean off of your addiction to trying to save them. I have broken up with him before only to take him back but I think it's because I did not go "no contact". This time it's final. And yes it does hurt just as much I think. There is so much advice for the dumpee but sometimes the dumpers hurt just as much. 1
whatnot Posted August 7, 2017 Posted August 7, 2017 i pulled the plug...it was like some sort of weird deal I'd never experienced before. it was like....neither one of us wanted to be in the relationship...but neither one wanted the responsibility for ending it. We both wanted the other to do it. when she began telling me of her other love interests....i decided then and there that I didn't mind being the bad guy...I'd throw the last shovel of dirt on the grave. Pissed her off....strangely enough. I've never experienced anything like it before. And I'm still unsure what was behind that dynamic. It's like i'm responsible for ending it. I guess I was. no way i could a listened and counseled her on other men though. it was just too painful. I've felt ever since....somehow....weak for doing it.
whatnot Posted August 7, 2017 Posted August 7, 2017 (edited) The irony.... I feel weak for doing it. And she probably respects for me for doing it. some weird **** goin' on there It's like I betrayed her.....by ending it. Makes a man kinda wonder....."If she respects a man for dumping her...she didn't much care of herself". "I wouldn't join any club that would have me as a member" - Woody Allen Or maybe.......neither one of us wanted to hurt the other one that badly....that may be at the root of it...it feels the most honest. But my shrink tells me it didn't hurt hurt her at all. very confusing Edited August 7, 2017 by whatnot
d0nnivain Posted August 7, 2017 Posted August 7, 2017 I have been both. I was the one who ended my last 2 relationships. One had been going on for 10+ years. I moved out to buy my own home. It was too far from his work so he stayed where he was. We lasted another year or so. I finally ended it when I realized he was never going to marry me. The other guy lied to me about getting divorced. I calmly & quietly told him I wanted nothing to do with a liar who thinks me so stupid I couldn't find out. I liked / loved both men but the problems couldn't be fixed by love alone. 1
Dis Posted August 7, 2017 Posted August 7, 2017 I think what *some* dumpees forget is that their actions caused/forced the dumper to end the relationship I've ended all of my relationships except for one... Even that ex wanted to get back together but I stayed silent considering how he ended things In all of my relationships, my bf at the time either broke my trust, or had too many issues to count to deserve a space in my life I'm not perfect either but for some reason, I've always been a good gf and a loyal partner and for that reason I had to end relationships with men who didnt share those same qualities Most of the time I've felt very relieved when ending a relationship....probably because I put up with so much bs that by the time I call it quits... I'm so fed up I dont have the energy to care about that person anymore
trustyourself Posted August 7, 2017 Posted August 7, 2017 I think what *some* dumpees forget is that their actions caused/forced the dumper to end the relationship While I am sure that might be the case in some breakups, I call bull**** on that. I have always been a straight shooter, shown respect and been loyal. So its all my fault that my ex lied and caused trust issues that led to our breaking up? But I guess this thread is to hear different perspectives. I guess this shows you the different mindset of a serial dumper. LOL
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 7, 2017 Posted August 7, 2017 It is absolutely true that people are 'forced' to let the other go. It is also very true that the dumper often feels as bad as the rejected and in many ways the reason why some people stay in relationships too long or return too often. I dumped my ex for reasons that would have put me and my children in potential danger. She also revealed a psychology that was absolutely inconsistent with my desire to be around positive and productive people. I made the lion's share of the sacrifice for her and in one fell swoop, she 'chose' to undermine my trust unilaterally and w/o regard to safety. To this day, I wished things had been different in some ways, but I am definitely much happier and in a much better place w/o her.
MarvelFan1 Posted August 7, 2017 Posted August 7, 2017 (edited) I was the dumper in my last relationship. She kept pushing and testing the relationship, one of those who looks for an argument so you can make up. After almost a year, she just started pushing so much, being petty, arguing over nothing, trying to impose her will and always making me feel like I was in the wrong, and I was constantly apologising and grovelling to get her forgiveness. After a while, I had enough and ended it, told her how miserable I was and that I didn't love her as how she acted had driven it from me. And the worse thing is, I feel so guilty as it broke her heart and she was devestated. I had no choice, she brought it on herself. I mean we sat down and talked it out with her properly, she said she could change and I should have spoken up and aired my concerns earlier in the relationship, but in my gut, I knew it was the right thing to do, no matter how much it upset me, let alone her. 3 months on and NC I still get sad and down about it. I'm suffering just as she is, so there you go. Edited August 7, 2017 by MarvelFan1 1
Dis Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 While I am sure that might be the case in some breakups, I call bull**** on that. I have always been a straight shooter, shown respect and been loyal. So its all my fault that my ex lied and caused trust issues that led to our breaking up? But I guess this thread is to hear different perspectives. I guess this shows you the different mindset of a serial dumper. LOL Huh? Its not at all your fault that your ex lied to you If you had trust issues that couldnt be resolved, its best the relationship ended I understand its hard not to project our hurt onto other posters but I suggest you re-read my post as you've greatly misinterpreted it 1
fieldoflavender Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 I was the dumper in my last relationship. She kept pushing and testing the relationship, one of those who looks for an argument so you can make up. After almost a year, she just started pushing so much, being petty, arguing over nothing, trying to impose her will and always making me feel like I was in the wrong, and I was constantly apologising and grovelling to get her forgiveness. After a while, I had enough and ended it, told her how miserable I was and that I didn't love her as how she acted had driven it from me. And the worse thing is, I feel so guilty as it broke her heart and she was devestated. I had no choice, she brought it on herself. I mean we sat down and talked it out with her properly, she said she could change and I should have spoken up and aired my concerns earlier in the relationship, but in my gut, I knew it was the right thing to do, no matter how much it upset me, let alone her. 3 months on and NC I still get sad and down about it. I'm suffering just as she is, so there you go. Did you even try to talk to her about it while you were grovelling? Did you suggest to work out your issues or just kept saying you were wrong and then suddenly one day pulled the plug and said no more? I'm just curious.
Author Vanity1 Posted August 8, 2017 Author Posted August 8, 2017 I have been both. I was the one who ended my last 2 relationships. One had been going on for 10+ years. I moved out to buy my own home. It was too far from his work so he stayed where he was. We lasted another year or so. I finally ended it when I realized he was never going to marry me. The other guy lied to me about getting divorced. I calmly & quietly told him I wanted nothing to do with a liar who thinks me so stupid I couldn't find out. I liked / loved both men but the problems couldn't be fixed by love alone. You are so strong I wish I had a quarter of your will power.
MarvelFan1 Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 Did you even try to talk to her about it while you were grovelling? Did you suggest to work out your issues or just kept saying you were wrong and then suddenly one day pulled the plug and said no more? I'm just curious. A few times we argued I got the silent treatment (sometimes for a day or two), over stupid things, and I said to her there was no need for it, it's all stupid stuff. She agreed it was a bit overboard, and we could have talked sooner, but she was like this with an ex, and was being the same with me. On the last occasion that tipped me over the edge, I apologised for something that I did wrong (this was by text as she was always a text person, it was out primary way of communication) and she half heartedly accepted it and ignored me after. So the next day as she wasn't talking to me, I thought I'd pop around in person to say sorry and I was more or less blanked and ignored. Day three, I thought this is stupid, so I went around again to give her what she wanted, a look in the eyes, hand on the leg oscar performance of an apology, because she wants a grovelling begging performance. She accepted this and then said those words, I'll never forget, "That's all you had to say yesterday". I flipped and asked her is there some criteria I need to meet before apologies get accepted. She used to always comment how we never argue and it means we can't have make up sex etc... I said I'd rather we just didn't argue. She loved the push me pull you drama, so we could argue and make up. It was very her way or the highway. When we sat down for the break up talk, all of a sudden she decided she can change everything and would do anything... I never gave her that chance, I was fed up and done. I was tired so being a verbal punch bag, being talked down too and made to feel second best. She was insecure and whenever she upset me and I'd tell her, she would fling my hand away... as if I was in the wrong. There's more too, but basically I had to cut off the toe to save the leg, as it were. It hurts that the toe has gone, but I'm scared and still alive and healing.
5x5 Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 Any dumpers on here who feel like the dumpee? Totally not fair huh lol. Share your stories. I've never felt like the dumpee when dumping someone. As an adult I have only been dumped once, by my ex-wife who dumped me when we were dating. Although we didn't date much as such, it was mostly just hanging out and having sex several times a day for over a year following meeting her at a party where we had sex together. Anyway she dumped me and then got pregnant by me when we had sex just as friends afterwards, so we then we got married. Then she cheated on me when I was away for work and guiltily confessed her indiscretion, so I then very quickly dumped her and ended our marriage. Otherwise I have always been the dumper of plenty of women, including my third longest sexual relationship partner. Where I just woke up one day in her bed after so many months with her and felt nothing for her, even though she was clever, attractive and fun to be with. And despite the fact the sex was great and plentiful throughout all of our time together. Sure I felt bad telling her it was over since she found that upsetting, yet I didn't regret it at the time and never felt guilt over it since I didn't feel for her. As to all of the rest, for the most part if I found that if I didn't like the sex we had or found over time that their personalities were grating or I was disappointed in them intellectually or insert whatever other reason here I dumped them. Those who I was with for a week or more were formally dumped. Yet those who I had sex with just once through thrice ,were variably told we weren't sexually compatible and dumped while a small number were let go with no further contact. My wife of 18+ years (we've been together for 21+ years) has never been dumped by anyone thus far, she was the one who has always been the dumper and she doesn't regret doing that. Since she invariably dumped men who were for the most part too insecure, needy, clingy, desperate, lacked boldness and in one instance was lame in bed despite not being needy and insipid in other ways. At the end of the day I have always found that dumping someone is the best approach, when one loses interest in being with them or they lose interest in being with you. I would hate to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, so I don't think being dumped or dumping someone is a bad thing. If you feel the need to dump someone, it is clearly the best thing for all involved.
amaysngrace Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 Maybe the dumpee doesn't always force us to dump them but it'd be nice once in a while to have any of them admit that they aren't able to treat us the way we deserve so they break up with us first.
fieldoflavender Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 A few times we argued I got the silent treatment (sometimes for a day or two), over stupid things, and I said to her there was no need for it, it's all stupid stuff. She agreed it was a bit overboard, and we could have talked sooner, but she was like this with an ex, and was being the same with me. On the last occasion that tipped me over the edge, I apologised for something that I did wrong (this was by text as she was always a text person, it was out primary way of communication) and she half heartedly accepted it and ignored me after. So the next day as she wasn't talking to me, I thought I'd pop around in person to say sorry and I was more or less blanked and ignored. Day three, I thought this is stupid, so I went around again to give her what she wanted, a look in the eyes, hand on the leg oscar performance of an apology, because she wants a grovelling begging performance. She accepted this and then said those words, I'll never forget, "That's all you had to say yesterday". I flipped and asked her is there some criteria I need to meet before apologies get accepted. She used to always comment how we never argue and it means we can't have make up sex etc... I said I'd rather we just didn't argue. She loved the push me pull you drama, so we could argue and make up. It was very her way or the highway. When we sat down for the break up talk, all of a sudden she decided she can change everything and would do anything... I never gave her that chance, I was fed up and done. I was tired so being a verbal punch bag, being talked down too and made to feel second best. She was insecure and whenever she upset me and I'd tell her, she would fling my hand away... as if I was in the wrong. There's more too, but basically I had to cut off the toe to save the leg, as it were. It hurts that the toe has gone, but I'm scared and still alive and healing. I think you guys made the right decision to break up. But I see parallels in my relationship (well obvious differences too) but sometimes it takes longer for someone to forgive than just an apology especially if it's not genuine. And guys seem to have a real issue with saying "I'm sorry" when they ARE in the wrong. Sure they say they can make it up with actions, but some things are extremely hurtful and an apology that is genuine makes a big difference. And sometimes if you have issues with her behaviour, you could have a talk specifically about that with ultaminums before the very end. Just things to think about for the future person. Sounds like she wasn't worth it but the next person might be.
MarvelFan1 Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 I think you guys made the right decision to break up. But I see parallels in my relationship (well obvious differences too) but sometimes it takes longer for someone to forgive than just an apology especially if it's not genuine. And guys seem to have a real issue with saying "I'm sorry" when they ARE in the wrong. Sure they say they can make it up with actions, but some things are extremely hurtful and an apology that is genuine makes a big difference. And sometimes if you have issues with her behaviour, you could have a talk specifically about that with ultaminums before the very end. Just things to think about for the future person. Sounds like she wasn't worth it but the next person might be. I've definitely learned a lot and for the next relationship I'm definitely going to notice the red flags a lot sooner.
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