smackie9 Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 (edited) Uncertainty, haven't met anyone from his life, it's a secret you two are together, he shutters at the thought of marriage, off and on 3TIMES! in only a year? That's a lot....once is too much. Girl you are wasting your god damn time. I would have dumped him after the 3rd week of seeing each other. Leave just leave. Who cares if this is your first relationship...it's OK to have plenty more. Edited September 3, 2017 by smackie9 1
mikeylo Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 If the relationship is not moving forward after you voice it, its never going to.Period. 1
Zahara Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 I love him but I'm used to him leaving so the last time we broke up I didn't care. He says that he does care ,Idk I'm getting tired of this Love isn't enough. He cares only because he doesn't want to lose you as a benefit. 1
Caramelpopcorn Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 Honestly I truly think you've already made your mind up about him, I think this is the start of the end for you and I don't blame you, like what is this? What are you doing here? Dating is for getting to know someone, but for how long will you just date? He can't treat you like a tinder date forever... I'm sorry to say but I think you should probably end it, if it's been a year and he hasn't told anyone about you, he never will, he probably knows he can't do this forever but thinking well she's still here so whatever I'm doing is working and enough for the relationship to barely exist and that's okay with me. Think of your worth, do you deserve this? Being with someone who doesn't want to take you by the hand and tell everyone about you and how crazy he is about you? When I met my BF I couldn't stop talking about him to everyone, and he did the same, he even showed pictures of my kids to his parents, MY kids, he has none. 3
Caramelpopcorn Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 Yes we have spoken about the future together. But again who knows about the future. He does call me his girlfriend. He says that I'm not a secret but that he's private when it comes to relationships. He says that he does not like dating around an that I am his first long term relationship. He says that he just needs time but again I'm not going to wait for soemthing that should come to anyone so easily and I'm not going to beg to be in someone's life. Private when it comes to relationships means we don't share what sexual position we do, not that we are in a relationship! 6
spiderowl Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 (edited) I think you've said it all yourself really. You are tired of being his secret. If you date someone and are proud of them and feel they are 'the one', you usually want to be seen with them and introduce them gradually to friends and family. If you have doubts or are not proud of dating them, then you keep it quiet, more like friends with benefits. I don't think that people necessarily have to say they are committed to their partner, but they should be showing it by their actions and the way they treat their partner. He doesn't seem to be doing either. He seems to be working quite hard to keep you exactly where you are now. If it is not where you want to be, you will meet some resistance in trying to get out of it. There will be the 'let's give it more time' statements and the 'I love you's. If he won't change the fact that you are his secret, then it looks like you only have the option of walking. There is no point trying to persuade him to make you more 'legit' in his life - that puts him under pressure and demoralises you for having to ask - it is far better to give him more space than he ever imagined so he can review what he wants. In other words, walk out. If you do this though, then it is best you expect the relationship to end, then at least you won't be disappointed if he just accepts it and moves on. You deserve someone who is proud of you. Edited September 4, 2017 by spiderowl 2
kendahke Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 Private when it comes to relationships means we don't share what sexual position we do, not that we are in a relationship! ^^^^This!!! Right! Here! All! Day! Long!^^^^ A universe can fit between the difference between these two. Well said, Caramelpopcorn. OP, he's blowing smoke up your behind with this lame excuse. He tells his boys he's in a relationship. When they ask him questions, he tells them "I don't wish to discuss anything about it with you". That is what a MAN does. A silly little boy allows his friends to weigh in where it is not fit for them to weight in by running the relationship past their committee for approval. Friends are not entitled to know all details of your life--they only need to know what you feel is pertinent to them knowing--that's it. 2
Author Ana622 Posted September 30, 2017 Author Posted September 30, 2017 In am so incredibly angry. Last weekend I finally met my bf's family after a year of dating him. Nobody has ever met his family before, I am the first. I was so happy to finally meet his mother, he is a huge mama's boy and she was exited to meet me. Then on Thursday I find out he opened his okcupid account. (We met thru there and it was deactivated) What a coincidence tho, because my friend and I were having a conversation about trusting our bf's and I told her that I trusted my bf and know he's not cheating or doing anything shady. We have been on and off, so Every time we're off he opens his okcupid account. So just out of curiosity, I check and he opened it! I asked him, why he had that open and what is he doing and he said that his mother said there was a charge of subscription from that website and to cancel it. So he says that he logged in once to cancel it and that was all. I told him if that was all then why didn't he deactivate it again and he said it didn't matter to him because regardless he has no interest in it. Long story short, we broke up. Why do guys self sabotage everything! After I met his family, met his mother and father, had dinner with them, they invited officially over to there home.... Why would he do that? He says he wasn't cheating and I believed him but if he saw that I was uncomfortable why couldn't he delete it as always? He's 23 and I'm 22... I am so confused ,he was so upset that I accused him of cheating and got very defensive and blamed/twisted it on me which was very suspicious and makes him seem guilty. I feel like telling him mom and just cursing him out! Like I met his family which is serious and he has to self sabotage! Why???
Zahara Posted September 30, 2017 Posted September 30, 2017 Each thread you've created you've noted his inability to commit to you. There's nothing confusing about it. The sooner you accept the reality of what you have/had with this guy, the sooner you find clarity. You're in a cycle of denial. 3
Miss Spider Posted September 30, 2017 Posted September 30, 2017 It was never about meeting his family. It was about it symbolizing to you a commitment he never had. Everyone's been telling you to leave and find someone all in!!! 1
kendahke Posted September 30, 2017 Posted September 30, 2017 (edited) He's 23 and I'm 22... I am so confused ,he was so upset that I accused him of cheating and got very defensive and blamed/twisted it on me which was very suspicious and makes him seem guilty. I feel like telling him mom and just cursing him out! Like I met his family which is serious and he has to self sabotage! Why??? I haven't read your other threads, but I do co-sign Zahara's assessment. One way of his mother agreeing with her son for breaking up with you is for you to call her and put her in the middle of things when she's done rearing him. He's grown now. He's not going to do what she tells him to do, no matter how much of a mama's boy you claim he is. She's going to look at you calling her and conclude that you are unstable, you were just trying to get over on her when you met her and turned on the charm and that it's a good idea not to bring such a person into their family. Having said that, I don't agree with him about the not deactivating the account. While yes, you do have to sign back in to do administrative things like cancel subscriptions, there is also a place where you can deactivate or delete the account and if he was serious enough about you, seems he would leave no doubt in your mind, so yeah, he sort of played into this mess. But as Zahara noted, his actions for the past year have been consistent in letting you know that a commitment will never be forthcoming with him. If he can't leap that divide of his own volition, you acting out, losing your mind and squandering your grace sure as hell ain't going to get him there. He just ain't that one, hon. However, that still doesn't make it right or mature for you to tell on him like a 5 year old. Gather up your dignity and just leave him alone and get on with your life. Edited September 30, 2017 by kendahke
BaileyB Posted September 30, 2017 Posted September 30, 2017 You are very young. He is clearly not ready for a long-term, committed relationship. There were lots of red flags before this event... Have some dignity - don't call his mother. 1
joseb Posted September 30, 2017 Posted September 30, 2017 OP you are young, so I'm guessing you don't have a lot of experience in what a healthy relationship feels like. On and off relationships are toxic. This guy doesn't sound invested. To be honest, I don't think you like him all that much either. You have just become somewhat codependent and find it hard to just move on, even though you know it's not good for you, and isn't making you happy Leave him, take some time for yourself and when you are ready you can be open to meeting someone right for you.
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