Bastile Posted August 27, 2017 Posted August 27, 2017 How on earth has he gotten away with not introducing you to friends and family after a whole year? 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 27, 2017 Posted August 27, 2017 How are we talking about marriage of i haven't even met his friends? That's what he told me. Of course were not talking about kids and marriage, but ultimately that what we want maybe not with eachother but In life. He's the one that's scared of all that. It's it weird that we've been together for one year and I don't know anyone of his family or friends? That's the thing lolll Yes, it is weird. He's either not serious about you, or he's already got someone else.
Author Ana622 Posted August 27, 2017 Author Posted August 27, 2017 How on earth has he gotten away with not introducing you to friends and family after a whole year? I can't make him tdo anything....he doesn't listen to me
Whodatdog Posted August 27, 2017 Posted August 27, 2017 He not scared of commitment, he just doesnt want to. The way he's acting, Im not sure he's even thinking that you are the girl he wants to marry. 2
BaileyB Posted August 27, 2017 Posted August 27, 2017 I can understand his reluctance to want to talk about marriage and family, given your age. But seriously, introducing your girlfriend to your family and friends is the fun stuff! He should be looking forward to that... and the fact that he isn't after a whole year together - at least with his friends - well, should be concerning. 1
basil67 Posted August 27, 2017 Posted August 27, 2017 I can't make him tdo anything....he doesn't listen to me You're absolutely right that you can't make him do anything. But what you can do is set up your own expectations for a relationship and walk away from anyone who doesn't meet them. Reasonable expectations after say, 4 months, should include: 1. A guy who involves me with his friends and family 2. A guy who listens to me and takes action 3. A guy who doesn't break up and then change his mind Your guy may be fun and sweet in other ways, but this is BAD stuff that you're accepting from him. Obviously he's not going to change anytime soon, so it's time to ask yourself if he is what you want in a long term partner. And if you break it off (as you should) I will caution you that he will blame you and twist it and say "this is why I couldn't introduce you to my family". When he does this, use it as an underscore as to why you made the right decision. 1
BaileyB Posted August 27, 2017 Posted August 27, 2017 Further to what basil said, it's probably pretty fair to assume that this relationship is not going to be forever. Rarely, is a first love "forever" and given the fact that this guy wants to do nothing more than spend time with you in private... Well, it's not the stuff that healthy relationships are made of... Which begs the question, how long are you going to waste with a man who is wasting your time? It's quite reasonable to place some expectations on the relationship and don't be afraid to walk away if he doesn't reciprocate. Don't waste too much time here... 1
Author Ana622 Posted September 2, 2017 Author Posted September 2, 2017 (edited) I had a talk with my boyfriend about taking the next step in our relationship because I feel like it's going nowhere and if he's capable of moving forward. He said he needs more time but it's like, we haven't progressed at all. We've been on and off 3times in a year. We're not even public. He does not include me in his life at all. He says that he loves me very much and that I'm "the one" and is scared. Supposedly he says that he has a fear of commitment. It was his birthday yesterday and he didnt even include me in his plans. Blamed it on his friends, because he said they "they" planned it and that it's "guys only" which is bull****. I'm getting tired of the same excuses, he just keeps on saying "in due time.. Please be patient". He says that he can be that for me and knows that he has to prove himself, but it's like when? There's a difference between being private and being a straight up secret, and I'm a secret. He says that I'm not, but it's like nobody knows about me and we've been together for a year. I know that I have a choice to either continue and wait for him or just leave. In a way, I don't want to leave because i don't want to break his heart. I'm his first true relationship and we're both clearly attached and connected to each other,but at this point I'm somewhat preparing myself to let go. I don't know if he can be that for me..... He says that I can help him but it's like every time I try to push you out of your comfort zone he doesn't let me- in a way I'm getting tired and this is not what I want but I love him very much. Every time we come together he says he can change but he never does,it's never different. (And for anyone thinking he's cheating ,no he is not. I do trust him and I know 100% that he is not) Edited September 2, 2017 by Ana622
Gr8fuln2020 Posted September 2, 2017 Posted September 2, 2017 I had a talk with my boyfriend about taking the next step in our relationship because I feel like it's going nowhere and if he's capable of moving forward. He said he needs more time but it's like, we haven't progressed at all. We've been on and off 3times in a year. We're not even public. He does not include me in his life at all. He says that he loves me very much and that I'm "the one" and is scared. Supposedly he says that he has a fear of commitment. It was his birthday yesterday and he didnt even include me in his plans. Blamed it on his friends, because he said they "they" planned it and that it's "guys only" which is bull****. I'm getting tired of the same excuses, he just keeps on saying "in due time.. Please be patient". He says that he can be that for me and knows that he has to prove himself, but it's like when? There's a difference between being private and being a straight up secret, and I'm a secret. He says that I'm not, but it's like nobody knows about me and we've been together for a year. I know that I have a choice to either continue and wait for him or just leave. In a way, I don't want to leave because i don't want to break his heart. I'm his first true relationship and we're both clearly attached and connected to each other,but at this point I'm somewhat preparing myself to let go. I don't know if he can be that for me..... He says that I can help him but it's like every time I try to push you out of your comfort zone he doesn't let me- in a way I'm getting tired and this is not what I want but I love him very much. Every time we come together he says he can change but he never does,it's never different. (And for anyone thinking he's cheating ,no he is not. I do trust him and I know 100% that he is not) There is no way, after a year, that you should be a secret to anyone that he is dating you. NO WAY. His tactics are classic 'string along' behavior. He knows that you are attached to him and he will continue to 'promise' to make changes and feels that that promise will be enough to hold you off until the NEXT time you talk about the issue and he, again, promises to make changes. Classic. Are you sure he isn't seeing someone else? Married? Not who he really claims to be? 2
Author Ana622 Posted September 2, 2017 Author Posted September 2, 2017 There is no way, after a year, that you should be a secret to anyone that he is dating you. NO WAY. His tactics are classic 'string along' behavior. He knows that you are attached to him and he will continue to 'promise' to make changes and feels that that promise will be enough to hold you off until the NEXT time you talk about the issue and he, again, promises to make changes. Classic. Are you sure he isn't seeing someone else? Married? Not who he really claims to be? I am 22 and he's 23. No he is not married and not seeing anyone else. He says that he knows he has something good with me and to give him a chance but it's like how any chances am I supposed to give you if you're never going to learn? I'm so tired but I feel bad
Zahara Posted September 2, 2017 Posted September 2, 2017 (edited) Words, words, words. Pay attention to actions. This relationship will go nowhere. I think you stick around because you don't want to break your heart. He's not as emotionally invested as you are. A year, on and off, and zero commitment. Time to move on. Edited September 2, 2017 by Zahara 8
elaine567 Posted September 2, 2017 Posted September 2, 2017 I am 22 and he's 23. No he is not married and not seeing anyone else. He says that he knows he has something good with me and to give him a chance but it's like how any chances am I supposed to give you if you're never going to learn? I'm so tired but I feel bad End it. YOU cannot be his dirty little secret forever. After about 5 dates, he should be proud of showing you off to everyone. For some reason he isn't or he prefers to go out single all the time with his mates, so do not put up with him for one second longer. YOU are not his gf, just his fwb. I would not be at all surprised if he has another woman or (women). 3
stillafool Posted September 2, 2017 Posted September 2, 2017 He may not be cheating on you now but he is waiting to see if someone better comes along. If you mean so much to him and he loves you he would be glad to include you in his life, meet his friends, parents, etc., and would want you along in any important events in his life. Don't be afraid to break his heart by breaking up. He obviously isn't afraid to hurt you. 4
kendahke Posted September 2, 2017 Posted September 2, 2017 What this guy is doing is called "keeping you at bay" and it's a horrible feeling to have this done to you. I've been through this in my younger years. They're saying one thing, but they're doing the complete opposite. Him saying his friends planned his birthday thing is lame as hell He won't declare for you and won't let them know he's with you. Is he in love with one of his friends or something? Is one of them going to get mad if they find out he's got a girlfriend? A grown man doesn't live his life in fear of what his friends will say by hiding who he's in a relationship with. I'd be beyond insulted by this behavior, especially if you're having sex with him. But I have to ask you: why have you stuck around for a year, going through on again/off again episodes with him? A guy who only tolerates you when it's convenient for him is a guy you need to drop off at the mall and you keep going. I refer you to my tag line below: | | V 1
kendahke Posted September 2, 2017 Posted September 2, 2017 . In a way, I don't want to leave because i don't want to break his heart. This isn't a fair trade off for having your intelligence insulted on the regular. He's not bothered by how he esteems you--if he was, he wouldn't be doing any of this and this thread wouldn't be here.
kendahke Posted September 2, 2017 Posted September 2, 2017 I am 22 and he's 23. No he is not married and not seeing anyone else. He says that he knows he has something good with me and to give him a chance but it's like how any chances am I supposed to give you if you're never going to learn? I'm so tired but I feel bad He is asking you to enable him and participate in your own intelligence being insulted and you're going along with it. Are guys thin on the ground in your area and he's the best you can do?
kendahke Posted September 2, 2017 Posted September 2, 2017 Him saying his friends planned his birthday thing is lame (didn't finish that sentence) ...as a reason for not inviting you to join them. You should have met his friends by now. They should have known about you by now. Why is he hiding you? And he's not commitment phobic. I'll bet he meet his other obligations in his life without hiding them and discounting their importance, so no--when he feels there's something in it for him, he commits--otherwise, he'd still be under mommy and daddy's roof needing them to guide his life. He is choosing to not do that with you and he's got you complicit in that device.
Redhead14 Posted September 2, 2017 Posted September 2, 2017 This guy is not your "boyfriend", he's just a guy you're spending time with and being intimate with. I doubt he has commitment issues as in commitment-phobia. It's more likely he just doesn't want to commit to YOU. You've been dating him for a long time. Did you two ever have a conversation about what each your dating goals were? Was he dating for a long-term relationship or was he just casually dating? If you've never had that conversation, I think you're seeing what he wants. He wants a casual relationship that includes sex. And, just because he's been seeing you for so long, it doesn't mean he sees you as his "girlfriend". And, given the fact that you're a secret, that is likely the case. It's time for you to walk away if you are seeking a relationship that leads to marriage. You two are young anyway. You both should be exploring your options. 1
Author Ana622 Posted September 2, 2017 Author Posted September 2, 2017 This guy is not your "boyfriend", he's just a guy you're spending time with and being intimate with. I doubt he has commitment issues as in commitment-phobia. It's more likely he just doesn't want to commit to YOU. You've been dating him for a long time. Did you two ever have a conversation about what each your dating goals were? Was he dating for a long-term relationship or was he just casually dating? If you've never had that conversation, I think you're seeing what he wants. He wants a casual relationship that includes sex. And, just because he's been seeing you for so long, it doesn't mean he sees you as his "girlfriend". And, given the fact that you're a secret, that is likely the case. It's time for you to walk away if you are seeking a relationship that leads to marriage. You two are young anyway. You both should be exploring your options. Yes we have spoken about the future together. But again who knows about the future. He does call me his girlfriend. He says that I'm not a secret but that he's private when it comes to relationships. He says that he does not like dating around an that I am his first long term relationship. He says that he just needs time but again I'm not going to wait for soemthing that should come to anyone so easily and I'm not going to beg to be in someone's life.
Author Ana622 Posted September 2, 2017 Author Posted September 2, 2017 He may not be cheating on you now but he is waiting to see if someone better comes along. If you mean so much to him and he loves you he would be glad to include you in his life, meet his friends, parents, etc., and would want you along in any important events in his life. Don't be afraid to break his heart by breaking up. He obviously isn't afraid to hurt you. He says that I'm "the one" and that what makes him scared. I had a serious talk with him and he said that he is sure about me just that he needs time, even though it's been a year and when we break up it's him not me. I guess I need to have another serious talk, My last warning.
Author Ana622 Posted September 2, 2017 Author Posted September 2, 2017 Words, words, words. Pay attention to actions. This relationship will go nowhere. I think you stick around because you don't want to break your heart. He's not as emotionally invested as you are. A year, on and off, and zero commitment. Time to move on. I love him but I'm used to him leaving so the last time we broke up I didn't care. He says that he does care ,Idk I'm getting tired of this
mortensorchid Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 He's looking for an excuse to dump you and he lacks the guts to do it himself. He's trying to piss you off so much that you do it and then he will look like the victim and others will pity him for his gf dumping him. Honestly? Ghost. See how he likes it. 1
Seriousperson Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 I am 22 and he's 23. No he is not married and not seeing anyone else. He says that he knows he has something good with me and to give him a chance but it's like how any chances am I supposed to give you if you're never going to learn? I'm so tired but I feel bad 1st off, I wouldn't call him your bf. 2nd a guy will tell you absolutely anything to keep you hanging around w/out him making an effort. Do not give him anymore chances, I understand how hard that is, but you need to walk away. If a man (or woman) really treasures you, they are gonna commit to you, not make excuses (that's all he is giving you).
ly399 Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 Please save yourself the heartbreak. I love to tell the tale. Obviously there are exception to the rules, you will always hear success story of so and so. But do you really want to bet on your happiness? The world is big, that what my best friend told me when my ex fiance walked out on me a month before the wedding. He was him, your guy, sweet talked me into waiting for him for years and eventually backed out of the the whole thing. You are still young, go explore before you make a decision
ExpatInItaly Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 He refers to you as his girlfriend...to whom, exactly? You? Certainly not in front of his friends and family, as they don't know you exist. I would not consider this guy my boyfriend. His actions are not congruent with his words, and he's not behaving like a boyfriend at all. He treats you like a secret mistress and says just enough to keep you around at his convenience. He's full of horse manure that he "just needs time." No. He's had plenty. He's just not serious about you. Big difference. Why have you allowed this malarkey to go on for so long, OP? He's not The One.
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