Have you ever traveled alone (without your partner)?

[LostandLonging]

Awww... seems no one likes my examples. The problem is that any relationship develops rules that both partners abide by because it makes them both comfortable. If things are good, no one has any reason to change those rules. When one partner decides to change those rules, it throws the relationship off balance. A two day sightseeing trip today can indeed get magnified into... lets see, one poster mentioned... gigolo brothels given enough time. The OP did indeed mention that now she is taking things into her own hands. Her partner recognizes this, which is why he is reacting the way he is. Now, will a single 2 day trip break them up? Probably not... but next year when it becomes a two week trip, who knows? This isn't even taking into account that the partner might retaliate by doing something he knows will get under the OPs skin, under the 'two can play that game' scenario. Action, reaction...it's not just a law of physics.

 

I took things into my hands a long time ago. My partner is 17 years my senior and we are in different stages in life. I am very active and he isn't, so I do a lot alone and have been doing so for a long time.

 

Some might be OK with having a controlling partner like you who never wants any change in the set relationship "rules", but others want more. I'd be rather concerned if I still had the same interests now that I did when we first met.

 

My partner doesn't play mind games. He's not a child.

[LostandLonging]

I think you should just tell him you are going and that's that. I mean, it's a two day trip, for chrissakes. If it was, say, a 3-week overseas trip that was taking up most of your vacation days (so you would have none left for him), I would urge you to compromise and go with him if he was able to go with you. But 2 days, once in a blue moon? He's being ridiculous IMO. If you try to negotiate with him on this, you'll be setting a precedent and allowing him to think that his reaction is okay.

 

Has he even expressed interest in coming with you?

 

No, he hasn't.

 

Thank you for your comments. Like you everyone I spoke to in my life about this also thinks he's being ridiculous.

[LostandLonging]

If you genuinely would get that upset over your partner wanting to take a two-day trip by herself to see Ayers Rock or Alice Springs or the equivalent tourist attractions, you should probably mention that right at the start of a potential LTR so that they know what they're getting into. It's not normal and not okay to react like that, especially in a modern and egalitarian society

 

Hear hear. ??????

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lost, I wanted to ask you why are you with your partner? Is your relationship a strong romantic one or is it more one of convenience? Is your partner controlling in other aspects of the relationship or is he generally laid back? Was his reaction to your announcing this trip vociferous or did he just express his surprise and non concurrence in a blustery manner?

 

From the little you have written it seems more a problem of incompatible ideas about things than anything else. Actually, as Elswyth said in a country like Australia such an attitude just boggles the mind. Having been there and seen the generally liberal and friendly attitude of people and also the great pleasure folks there derive in the outdoor life, I cannot begin to wrap my mind about this issue that you are facing. Hope it gets resolved one way or another. Warm wishes.

[Els]

No, he hasn't.

 

Thank you for your comments. Like you everyone I spoke to in my life about this also thinks he's being ridiculous.

 

Have a great trip. If it helps, after I came back from my couple of weeks traveling alone, my SO and I had a great time reconnecting, and he loved the pictures and souvenirs that I brought back. We're planning to go back to those places in the future as a couple, if possible (he wasn't able to come with me this time due to lack of leave).

 

Like the above poster, I do wonder why you're with him, as you two sound very incompatible to be honest. But to be fair, we can't see or understand everything about your life from a forum thread, so I'm sure you have your reasons.

[Gaeta]

Your choice of nick name got my attention and got me look at your history. Your last thread is sad and has touched me. It's time for you to spread your wings and fly away to become your own person. I was like you, I met and marry my ex-h when still a teenage. By mid-30s I felt trapped, full of undeveloped potential. Only after I divorced I became the woman I was meant to be. I went back to school, started a new career, bought my home on my own, etc. I spent many years alone discovering who I was and sculpting who I wanted to be. A couple of years ago I met someone and *now* I feel whole while in a relationship.

 

Go to that trip.

 

You need to be out of this relationship.

[LostandLonging]

Your choice of nick name got my attention and got me look at your history. Your last thread is sad and has touched me. It's time for you to spread your wings and fly away to become your own person. I was like you, I met and marry my ex-h when still a teenage. By mid-30s I felt trapped, full of undeveloped potential. Only after I divorced I became the woman I was meant to be. I went back to school, started a new career, bought my home on my own, etc. I spent many years alone discovering who I was and sculpting who I wanted to be. A couple of years ago I met someone and *now* I feel whole while in a relationship.

 

Go to that trip.

 

You need to be out of this relationship.

 

Thank you for your response, Gaeta. I haven't been a member of this site long but I really enjoy your comments. You're no nonsense!

 

Yes I am in a tough spot. Dying to be free but also way too comfortable to make a move.

[Southern Sun]

I think this is about lack of security in a relationship.

 

When two people feel secure in the relationship you have, and one person says, hey, I'd like to take a two day trip to (fill in the blank...a spa, fishing, see my bestie, the beach), just to have some clear my head and peace and quiet time, it's not met with the same resistance as when the relationship is filled with insecurity, neediness, and uncertainty about where things stand.

 

When one person pulls away, the other usually starts grasping. Lost, I have to believe your partner senses your distance. That's why he's uncomfortable with your desire to travel alone. Even though I certainly understand it.

[LostandLonging]

I think this is about lack of security in a relationship.

 

When two people feel secure in the relationship you have, and one person says, hey, I'd like to take a two day trip to (fill in the blank...a spa, fishing, see my bestie, the beach), just to have some clear my head and peace and quiet time, it's not met with the same resistance as when the relationship is filled with insecurity, neediness, and uncertainty about where things stand.

 

When one person pulls away, the other usually starts grasping. Lost, I have to believe your partner senses your distance. That's why he's uncomfortable with your desire to travel alone. Even though I certainly understand it.

 

He has always had a bit of a controlling side. He never directly tells me not to do something, but has often made remarks so as to try and make me feel ashamed of my choices.

 

It bothers me, because he will say “I never said you couldn’t do that” but then if I go ahead and do it it is met with e.g. 2 days of the silent treatment.

 

He is very old school. He just doesn’t get it sometimes.

[Snow_Queen]

He has always had a bit of a controlling side. He never directly tells me not to do something, but has often made remarks so as to try and make me feel ashamed of my choices.

 

It bothers me, because he will say “I never said you couldn’t do that” but then if I go ahead and do it it is met with e.g. 2 days of the silent treatment.

 

He is very old school. He just doesn’t get it sometimes.

 

He sounds very much like my ex-husband. He's manipulating you by ignoring you when you go against his wishes. I know you say you're comfortable but if you leave, the world is yours for the taking.

 

After I left my ex, I went to college, established a career, a life of my own, explored the world on my own, and discovered who I really am. You will no longer suffer from limitations but rather flourish. Someone who cares deeply for you will also want you to flourish.