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Unfriended

mortensorchid

By mortensorchid
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mortensorchid Established Member

mortensorchid

Posted
Posted

Two years ago I met a guy online through Tinder. We met, I realized rather quickly that he was just going to be a friend not a lover and I was okay with that. We went out on outings a few times here and there, chatted online, etc. Then, one day just recently he got a girlfriend. I have never met this girlfriend, I have no idea if he even mentioned me to her in conversations, but we had a few pictures of us taken together which I shared when we were on a county fair outing last summer. They were not lover's embrace pictures (save for one questionable but that was a semi-silly one) but I bowed out once he got a new girlfriend. I am not and never was, after all, his girlfriend and he was by all means free to look for one and be with other women. He even told me he has other women friends predominantly, and I never questioned it.

 

I send him an IM recently and said we should go out this summer since I haven't seen him in forever, he said he was having a good time with his gf and I was happy for him. Then he posted a photo of him getting a new tattoo of a tiger on his chest (he has many all over his body) and I posted "You're a tiger, baby!" on the photo. That was a few days ago, and I was unfriended.

 

I'm sad. Did that offend someone? Did the gf hate me over this? I don't expect anyone to know the answers to these things, I can only determine a few things: He was not a good person to be friends with to begin with, she may be jealous, etc. But I'm sad.

CptInsano Established Member

CptInsano

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[...]

I send him an IM recently and said we should go out this summer since I haven't seen him in forever, he said he was having a good time with his gf and I was happy for him. Then he posted a photo of him getting a new tattoo of a tiger on his chest (he has many all over his body) and I posted "You're a tiger, baby!" on the photo. That was a few days ago, and I was unfriended.

 

I'm sad. Did that offend someone? Did the gf hate me over this? I don't expect anyone to know the answers to these things, I can only determine a few things: He was not a good person to be friends with to begin with, she may be jealous, etc. But I'm sad.

 

Yes, I could see how his girlfriend would take that the wrong way, and it is most likely what triggered you being unfriended. I don't think she hates you over it, she probably just told him to play it safe on social media. He prioritizes the relationship over his previous dates.

 

I fully understand that it sucks for you, but I've seen that dynamic rather frequently.

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mortensorchid Established Member

mortensorchid

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I suppose you are right. I wish that he would have explained to her that he and I were not bf/gf we were just friends, but apparently he did not. Facebook takes us back to high school doesn't it?

HarmonyDriven Established Member

HarmonyDriven

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I agree, the girlfriend probably did not like it. Most likely, it was the "baby" part of the comment.

 

I actually give him credit for prioritizing his relationship and not wanting to cause any waves with his new girlfriend.

 

Based on what you have noted, seems like you have romantic feelings for this guy, even though you know deep down nothing will ever come of it.

 

If you are truly bothered by this, you could send him a text noting you saw you were unfriended and mention you are sorry for offending him or his girlfriend, and leave it at that it.

  • Like 7
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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Let's take a look at this: if you were a guy's new girlfriend, and a girl from his recent past, knowing full well he was in a relationship, suddenly got in touch with him wanting him to hang out with him alone and not mentioning wanting to meet the girlfriend and then posted "you're a tiger, baby" on his picture on social media for their entire friend/family circle to see, how would you feel about it? Would you be cool with this?

 

I think it was a misstep on your part to post that on that picture, especially knowing he's got a girlfriend.

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No_Go Established Member

No_Go

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I have a friend like this. We met on a dating site but chemistry never developed, so we stayed platonic friends. I've been hanging out with him more after I broke up with my ex, but now that I'm dating someone new - I think it will be inappropriate to meet one-on-one anymore. Or will it? Our friendship is ~3 years old now, from my end I can say I'm 100% platonic, about him though - not sure, we have never discussed. But if he posts on my FB provocative comment - I'd have been pretty pissed. It is kind of a boundary violation.

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Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

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You came across as a woman w/o boundaries. You were just friends? Well, the new gf wasn't going to take any chances (or the guy) and let your suggestion to hang out and referring to him as 'baby' go.

 

Come on. I could see from miles away why he 'unfriended' you.

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GemmaUK Established Member

GemmaUK

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I think you overstepped the boundary line on this one and I can see why he unfriended you.

Had you been old old long time friends you might have got away with it but you met on Tinder - which is essentially a dating/hook up app.

 

Had you done either the mail or the comment (for all to see) you may also have got away with it so to speak but both is too much, especially so considering your friendship history.

 

I think you need to take the responsibility for this one, use it as a learning curve and give yourself some tighter boundaries - be a little more considerate for others and their situations.

What might seem harmless to you won't always be viewed that way by others.

Bear in mind also that his new gf may not have even known about any of this, he may have decided to unfriend you himself.

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Lorenza Established Member

Lorenza

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Your comment implies you two slept together. If I saw a woman comment "You're a tiger, baby!" on my boyfriend's photo, I'd think she's trying to remind him of their sexual past. Either way it was inappropriate, what were you thinking?

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bachdude Established Member

bachdude

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I suppose you are right. I wish that he would have explained to her that he and I were not bf/gf we were just friends, but apparently he did not. Facebook takes us back to high school doesn't it?

 

Oh, I bet he had to do a LOT of explaining all right!

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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I can't imagine saying "you're a tiger, baby!" to guy who I wasn't romantically involved with. I imagine Tinder forged opposite sex friendships have some blurred lines to begin with and you'd probably need to be extra cautious what you say,even jokingly, to a opposite sex friend with an SO.

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Eh, I can understand why you're unfriended. Most women would not like a previous date asking their men to hang out or calling them "baby" for everyone to see on social media.

 

Boundaries, OP.

Bastile Established Member

Bastile

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He was not a good person to be friends with to begin with

 

Of course.

 

I can only assume that you are very naive, and actually thought you had a sort of male/male relationship...

 

I could send any of my friends "you're a tiger, baby" completely randomly in a text or Facebook or whatever. They might think that I've been drinking, but it wouldn't be the end of the friendship.

 

Don't make friends with dates from Tinder.

 

And, "f*** 'em, if they can't take a joke" - Mick Jagger.

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lana-banana Established Member

lana-banana

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You weren't actually friends with this guy; you were Tinder matches that fizzled out. When you asked to hang out again and he brought up his girlfriend, that should have been your clue to back off. Then you made a provocative comment on his Facebook page. I doubt his girlfriend is mad, but if I were him I would be. Without an established history of friendship, your comment comes off as sexual and inappropriate---not just because you know he's seeing someone, but you did it *after* he told you he wasn't interested in seeing you, on a platform where his mom and grandma and co-workers and God knows who else can see it and wonder who the hell you are.

 

It's off to me that you can do something like this and close with "we'll never know why, oh well". While in the grand scheme of things it's not a big deal, it was a thoughtless thing to do, and I can't understand why you find this turn of events so perplexing.

  • Like 7
basil67 Established Member

basil67

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I suppose you are right. I wish that he would have explained to her that he and I were not bf/gf we were just friends, but apparently he did not. Facebook takes us back to high school doesn't it?

 

Oh, I'm sure he DID explain. And part of that explanation would have been that he now realises you have insufficient boundaries and that he's better off blocking you.

  • Like 5
Bastile Established Member

Bastile

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If you find yourself walking on eggshells with people, then they aren't your "friend". They are an acquaintance, an orbiter, a romantic interest, or whatever else.

 

Anyone you can't indulge in an Austin Powers reference with wasn't your friend. Simple as.

 

It never ceases to amaze me the compromises people will go to in order to keep the wrong people in their lives.

Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

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While I agree that comment was too forward (I personally don't talk like that with anyone) it could have been natural in the context of their friendship.

 

I'm not a fan of dropping friends like a hot potato every time a new gf/bf comes onto the scene. Regardless of if their frienship was flirty or whatever, OP should have still been treated with some consideration. I bet he will be back once the gf leaves the scene :rolleyes:

Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

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He wasnt your friend he was your orbiter and he has now found a Venus to firmly land on and you were about to mess it up.

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thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

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Everything that can be said has already....

 

He did the right thing and you didn't.....Period...

 

TFY

knabe Established Member

knabe

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I suppose you are right. I wish that he would have explained to her that he and I were not bf/gf we were just friends, but apparently he did not. Facebook takes us back to high school doesn't it?

 

To be perfectly honest, you getting upset over it is much more like high school than him unfriending.

  • Like 9
Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

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Oh, I'm sure he DID explain. And part of that explanation would have been that he now realises you have insufficient boundaries and that he's better off blocking you.

 

i agree with this. I just think it's normal that he's going to "choose" his gf over you. And your comment & IM kinda pushed it into "choose" category. It doesn't really matter that nothing is going on OR if her request or his reaction was unreasonable. In a way, so was calling him baby publicly. Or with the timing of the new gf, asking to hang out. I'm sorry this happened but I wouldn't be expecting priority treatment regarding an explanation when you are a distant (FB?) friend, not a gf, or close longtime friend. That's just not a reasonable expectation.

 

I don't think it necessarily warrants blocking but people are block happy these days. I do think you could have used better discretion. Safe to assume he is pretty serious about her, because taking that sort of action whether he did it alone or she pushed for it just means he really cares what she thinks. She is either worth it and he's serious about her or she could be really jealous and he'd rather not deal with it, thus you got blocked and they will likely have more things like this down the road. I'm going to guess that it's the former: he's serious about her. I think you just need to accept it and learn the lesson that was yours within this incident. I'm not really jealous at all but I wouldn't like someone calling my guy baby publicly either. It's like publicly stating there is a level of closeness between you and the guy no matter how you take the tone the "baby" part. Try to put it out of your mind. Good luck

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mortensorchid Established Member

mortensorchid

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Well the "You're a tiger, baby!" was from Austin Powers. Meant to be taken in a silly way like the Austin Powers movie was and what the line was. Still, considering other factors, I think it's best that I just move on from the friendship with him at this point. I don't want to cause problems. And some people are meant to be with you for a lifetime or a season, and I think ultimately he was just to be there for a season so no harm no foul.

Lorenza Established Member

Lorenza

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Quotes and inner jokes can be taken in a wrong way and it's best to be careful posting them.

 

I remember when one of my exes posted "I give into sin" under a picture of a female friend whom I have never met. I got upset and demanded an explanation. Apparently that what just a line she had tattooed which he was quoting. I still think it was insensitive.

  • Like 1
TheTraveler Established Member

TheTraveler

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I suppose you are right. I wish that he would have explained to her that he and I were not bf/gf we were just friends, but apparently he did not. Facebook takes us back to high school doesn't it?

 

I like how it's the "gf" issue

 

A woman sends me a message out of the blue we should hang out! I haven't seen her in forever and she wants to hang? I'm like, nah i have someone.

 

Then a few days later she comments on my IG post, "you're a tiger baby!"

 

I think to myself, wtf is up with this woman. I'll unfriend and hopefully she gets the hint. Buh bye and go away OP.

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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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Well the "You're a tiger, baby!" was from Austin Powers. Meant to be taken in a silly way like the Austin Powers movie was and what the line was.

 

But did they know this? He may not know you well enough to know your sense of humor or your reference and she sure as heck doesn't know you.

 

And some people are meant to be with you for a lifetime or a season, and I think ultimately he was just to be there for a season so no harm no foul.

 

Yeah, for you. No telling what your actions stirred up for him.

 

I think you owe him an apology, but I also think your days of trying to reach him are well over. Next time, try to think of others before you do something like this.

 

We wouldn't be holding you accountable had you had no clue he had a girlfriend--but you knew and did this anyway. So it looks like you were lashing out at her and she's done nothing to warrant this pettiness.

Edited by kendahke
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