1 Year of NC after a 6 Year Relationship and I am struggling

[tks]

I went through a pretty rough breakup about a year ago. I dated this girl all throughout college and about two years after. We lived together for about a year. We dated for about 6 and a half years. The first five were awesome with a few rocky parts but the final year was so hard on me and things just kind of fell apart as we broke up and she was in a relationship 1 month later and that just devastated me.

 

I was really disappointed in her choices and that made it easier for me to get over wanting to be with her and go right into NC. However, I have been struggling recently with just the thought of her in the back of my head. I haven't gotten over the relationship and how it ended. I guess that is what is bothering me. We had a strong relationship for so long and now there is nothing to show for it. I just kind of let our relationship deteriorate to nothing the last year. I am still hurt from the breakup and the things she said and did but I don't know why. I feel like I shouldn't be. I want nothing to do with her, but for whatever reason, I still feel guilt and betrayal when I think about her.

 

So many positives have come out of the breakup though. I am much closer with friends and family and doing all the things I wanted to do that we didn't do while we were dating. I have done a lot of growing up in the past year.

 

I know the reason why she has been in the back of my mind is because she has been trying to get my attention, for whatever reason. She has been reaching out to some of my friends and family and also going to places and areas where she knows I will be. I try to brush it off and ignore it but it bothers me that she does this.

 

I started dating a new girl about 5 months ago. And she really is everything I want and look for in a girl. We were both against dating each other but it just kind of happened. Things have been going well but I can feel myself pulling away for some reason the past few weeks. There are days where I want to be left alone and be given a lot of space. I am not sure if I just want to be left alone and not be in a relationship right now.

 

She has really fallen for me, and it scares me. I tend to build walls for some reason and don't let my SO all the way in, this was a problem I had from time to time in my previous relationship. I am definitely afraid of hurting her. Typing this out makes me realize that I need to break up with her, since its not fair for her to be putting in as much as she is for someone like me who is just not emotionally available.

 

I just wanted to type this out and get out of my head. Also wanted to see if anyone out there has gone through a similar situation.

[bummer]

welcome to LS!

 

Yep, rebounds from both sides after a long-term relationship are doomed to be placeholders and temporary in my experience. I know of only 1 immediate rebound relationship that stuck. Thing is, most of my relationships either myself or my partner were technically still rebounding.

 

If you like this rebound woman, work on opening up. As bad as it sounds, you can practice good behaviors now and develop future boyfriend skills. If she really is falling for you and you know you have to let her down eventually, let her down now. I think you're being prudent with her emotions by ending it sooner than later if you are both on different pages.

[Purepony]

Don't let your past relationship ruin this current relationship

Maybe take some time apart to figure things out since it's not a now or die situation

[BC1980]

I was still struggling after 1 year of NC out of a 3 year relationship. So I understand what you are going through. As long as you are maintaining NC, you are making forward progress. I know it doesn't feel like that some days, but there are peaks and valleys along the way.

 

As you said, the fact that she is reaching out to you triggers the old feelings. It triggers your emotions. Stuff like that is going to happen. I remember seeing my ex for the first time in a year (I had been NC for a year), and I was overcome with emotion. I saw him from a distance, and he didn't even see me. But I was completely overcome with emotion for a few minutes, to the point that I teared up and had to compose myself. I think that stuff can make you stronger if you handle it well and take it as part of the journey.

 

I guess that's what you are trying to do by coming to LS. You are trying to figure out how to handle her indirectly reaching out to you. You are trying to sort through the feelings this has inspired.

[Maldives]

I went through a pretty rough breakup about a year ago. I dated this girl all throughout college and about two years after. We lived together for about a year. We dated for about 6 and a half years. The first five were awesome with a few rocky parts but the final year was so hard on me and things just kind of fell apart as we broke up and she was in a relationship 1 month later and that just devastated me.

 

I was really disappointed in her choices and that made it easier for me to get over wanting to be with her and go right into NC. However, I have been struggling recently with just the thought of her in the back of my head. I haven't gotten over the relationship and how it ended. I guess that is what is bothering me. We had a strong relationship for so long and now there is nothing to show for it. I just kind of let our relationship deteriorate to nothing the last year. I am still hurt from the breakup and the things she said and did but I don't know why. I feel like I shouldn't be. I want nothing to do with her, but for whatever reason, I still feel guilt and betrayal when I think about her.

 

So many positives have come out of the breakup though. I am much closer with friends and family and doing all the things I wanted to do that we didn't do while we were dating. I have done a lot of growing up in the past year.

 

I know the reason why she has been in the back of my mind is because she has been trying to get my attention, for whatever reason. She has been reaching out to some of my friends and family and also going to places and areas where she knows I will be. I try to brush it off and ignore it but it bothers me that she does this.

 

I started dating a new girl about 5 months ago. And she really is everything I want and look for in a girl. We were both against dating each other but it just kind of happened. Things have been going well but I can feel myself pulling away for some reason the past few weeks. There are days where I want to be left alone and be given a lot of space. I am not sure if I just want to be left alone and not be in a relationship right now.

 

She has really fallen for me, and it scares me. I tend to build walls for some reason and don't let my SO all the way in, this was a problem I had from time to time in my previous relationship. I am definitely afraid of hurting her. Typing this out makes me realize that I need to break up with her, since its not fair for her to be putting in as much as she is for someone like me who is just not emotionally available.

 

I just wanted to type this out and get out of my head. Also wanted to see if anyone out there has gone through a similar situation.

 

I have dude about 10 yrs ago. It was my ex wife together 10 yrs I started a new relationship then the ex wife contacted me after about 6 mths wanting to work things out and it reset my frame of mind. I was ok before that. It sabotaged my new relationship I had to stop my new relationship because I realised I wasn't over my ex. My ex walked anyway after gong hot n cold and sabotaged the new relationship. The new relationship I hurt the new girl but she wanted to stay and just be friends after a few mths we rekindled and started again but the damage was done 3 yrs later she cheated. What I learnt from that experience is sometimes it's just better to be on ur own when ur grieving and especially like u wen ur wounds are still healing. The reason I say that is because u need time to talk about this wth people and process it and u can't do that wen ur in a new relationship plus I found myself still missing my ex wife and feeling guilty even being in the new relationship so I couldn't be as u say emotionally available for the new girl. 3 yrs later we blew up spectacularly she ended up cheating wth a close friend and I was still dealing wth somewhat the loss of my marriage and now this it was a double whammy. Anyway I'm now like u it's been a yr since my most recent breakup I was wth her 6 yrs and about a a cpl mths later she started dating a work colleague it hurt like hell cause we work together and I had to see this at work.

Thankfully he left and has gone overseas but lately she's been making a lot of her fb posts public I dunno why as she blocked me but I have another account and sometimes can't help it and check her fb it doesn't bother me tho as she never posts her new BFS or anything and she's single again anyway.but it's left me wondering who the hell is she aiming that towards is it me? Well it couldn't be because I'm blocked lol so i can relate to u but it has kinda set me back to where I haves whole range of emotions I feel believe it or not sorry for her then I get angry because of the way she treated me after the break up she wasn't nice and rubbed things in my face at work like her bf it felt like she was trying to hurt me for something. It worked so I feel also angry. Angry that I still even think about her after what she put me thru. I mean I know why the relationship defrosted she had kids and I found it hard. Having said that she's left all her kids interstate to be up here where I live and she's still here still doing the same thing. She has as her cover a photo which use to be me photoshopped replaced by a surfboard lol it hurt and she mocked it wth her work friends laughing at it so I know she's been talking about me behind my back and she recently put it up again and some other guy from work laughed but she didn't rock but left me guessing why she puts it up wen I've been ignoring her the whole yr. My sister lol chimed in on it and bring her up on it which put a stop to it but still lately it's been these things. All I can say is it takes yrs to fully be over them. I'm like u it's not like I what reconciliation especially after the way we broke up but still a sort of u wishes they still think of u and reach out u wonder wether they ever did love u. It normally form experience takes me a good 2 to 3 usually 3 yrs to be over the relationship as in emotionally available again for a new relationship.

 

Anyway to answer ur question I would say that is why u too feel this way u are still healing from it and need time to talk about it and reflect and search for answers to make sure u don't repeat the same mistakes. It's hard to do that wen ur in a new relationship

[tks]

The biggest issue for me right is that I am stuck in my head. I am trying to figure out why my ex is indirectly reaching out to me. I let it get to me and I let it annoy me. I think maybe its because she is all over social media and is trying to "win the breakup". Where as I have just been moving forward and really cut off contact cold turkey. In reality I know I just need to let it go and ignore her but for some reason it has really been bothering me the past couple of days.

 

I have feelings for the new girl I am dating and I care about her. However, I am starting to think I still need to focus on myself and continue to improve. I agree that I need time alone, but I doubt she will be up for a break and I personally think that is an unfair thing to do to someone. I don't want her waiting there for me, hoping for me to come back.

 

There are days where I see a legitame future with the new girl I am dating. I get excited about this. But, there are also days where I just need my space and want to be left alone. Moving out west is something I would like to do within the next year, today is one of those days where I don't feel like I would like her to come. There are days where I picture her going with me and it makes me happy.

 

I guess some of the issue is that I told my self I wouldn't date again until I was completely over my last relationship. I was to the point where I was over wanting to be with my ex but not necessarly our relationship. Now I am trying to deal with it while I am in a relationship.

[BC1980]

The biggest issue for me right is that I am stuck in my head. I am trying to figure out why my ex is indirectly reaching out to me. I let it get to me and I let it annoy me. I think maybe its because she is all over social media and is trying to "win the breakup". Where as I have just been moving forward and really cut off contact cold turkey. In reality I know I just need to let it go and ignore her but for some reason it has really been bothering me the past couple of days.

 

I have feelings for the new girl I am dating and I care about her. However, I am starting to think I still need to focus on myself and continue to improve. I agree that I need time alone, but I doubt she will be up for a break and I personally think that is an unfair thing to do to someone. I don't want her waiting there for me, hoping for me to come back.

 

There are days where I see a legitame future with the new girl I am dating. I get excited about this. But, there are also days where I just need my space and want to be left alone. Moving out west is something I would like to do within the next year, today is one of those days where I don't feel like I would like her to come. There are days where I picture her going with me and it makes me happy.

 

I guess some of the issue is that I told my self I wouldn't date again until I was completely over my last relationship. I was to the point where I was over wanting to be with my ex but not necessarly our relationship. Now I am trying to deal with it while I am in a relationship.

 

Have you been looking at her social media, or was it by accident? Also, I would ask your family not to tell you if she reaches out. I really think you need to completely vanquish an ex from your life, at least for a period of time. I support blocking on social media for this reason.

 

It sounds like you started to date a little too early. If you are still bothered by your ex, then you aren't over her.

[Maldives]

The biggest issue for me right is that I am stuck in my head. I am trying to figure out why my ex is indirectly reaching out to me. I let it get to me and I let it annoy me. I think maybe its because she is all over social media and is trying to "win the breakup". Where as I have just been moving forward and really cut off contact cold turkey. In reality I know I just need to let it go and ignore her but for some reason it has really been bothering me the past couple of days.

 

I have feelings for the new girl I am dating and I care about her. However, I am starting to think I still need to focus on myself and continue to improve. I agree that I need time alone, but I doubt she will be up for a break and I personally think that is an unfair thing to do to someone. I don't want her waiting there for me, hoping for me to come back.

 

There are days where I see a legitame future with the new girl I am dating. I get excited about this. But, there are also days where I just need my space and want to be left alone. Moving out west is something I would like to do within the next year, today is one of those days where I don't feel like I would like her to come. There are days where I picture her going with me and it makes me happy.

 

I guess some of the issue is that I told my self I wouldn't date again until I was completely over my last relationship. I was to the point where I was over wanting to be with my ex but not necessarly our relationship. Now I am trying to deal with it while I am in a relationship.

 

Yes been there lol that's why thiebtime I wanted a break I have a lot of trust issues now wth woman and plus I need to sought out all my personal baggage I have quiet a lot f3om a build of pain over the yrs and being rejected I need to really find out out what it is in doing to create these situations. This last one has really been painful because and I'm not young I'm in my mid 40's now so have had a marriage of ten yrs and another 3 yr and 6 yr relationship and this last relationship apart from the circusmstamves wasnt the most ideal conditions her having kids but conn3ction wise and relating I've never had one as good or deep as this so it's been very hard to get over plus it hasn't helped the healing process working together in fact it's slowed it down

 

But I think u did answer one thing that's been on my mind about her winning the break up thatsca possibility has me scratching my head my therapist believes it's her trying to get a reaction 8 believe that why I don't know

[whatnot]

tsk....you're not over your college girlfriend.....yet.....completely.

 

It takes a couple of years after such a long and important relationship ends...

 

You've been reading my mail. I've been no contact with my ex of 7 years now for about 15 months. The last few weeks have been the best I've been yet. It's been like a completely new chapter of my life has been opening up....with much autonomy and freedom like I've not felt in 10 years.

 

However....This day....today....it's as if I miss my ex so badly I'm wishing and imagining ... almost fantasizing and expecting a phone call from her. I've missed her so much in just the last 48 hrs.

 

Feelings. These feelings. It's not like they go away in a straight line. they don't it's like throwing up. You're sick....and you throw up....and you feel better and you wonder "maybe I'm ok now and maybe I won't get sick again". But...then the nausea begins again. And it builds. and it builds. And finally one has to vomit again. And then...it's like..."OK....NOW I'm better cause I don't feel nauseated at all". But then....after about an hour...one begins to feel it again...only not so intensely this time. Eventually....we're better and we are no longer sick (feeling feelings).

 

That's the only/best way I know how to describe breaking up with an important person we loved. so much. for so long. Only...instead of being sick for a day or two....we're sick with feelings for a couple of years. We think we're better....and then the small thought in the back of the mind comes....uninvited. And it grows....and it grows....and before we know that's it's even happening....we're consumed with feelings....missing our lover.....again. And we wonder "how is this possible? it's been so long and I've felt so well!".......

 

It just is... that's how it works with me. these feeling will continue to come to me for the next year or so. But....they come further and further apart....and they don't stay as long each time.

 

I'm so sorry you're feeling down again. It sucks so badly and I feel so badly for you. You are becoming free from this person....it's just not in a straight line.

 

I think it'll be another year for the both of us friend. i almost asked a woman out the other day. a receptionist. I think she liked me. I liked her. But...I'm so glad I did not now. I'm just not ready. not yet.

 

take care man. see ya in a a few months......you're ....we're both....almost home.

 

(I know this because I've done this...been here...before. I went through a divorce 10 years ago. This is exactly the same thing as then....only different. worse in some ways. I miss my woman tonight.

[tks]

I blocked my ex from all social media shortly after I went into NC. I didn't add her back but I unblocked her from everything a few months ago since I thought it was immature to block her. The day I unblocked her she sent me friend requests and tagged me in a post. So I blocked her again

 

Once her friends started posting stuff about going to areas they know I'll be I also deleted them, and they understood.

 

The new girl has been sensing me distance myself the past few weeks and asked me if I wanted to break up or if she needed to break up with me because I can't do it.

 

What ultimately came out of the conversation is that I am expecting the same issues to arise with her as my previous relationship. And that's not how it is. But she feels like she is waiting for me to break up with her which is causing her a lot of anxiety. I want to be with her, the timing is not ideal but it is what it is

 

I am not going to let my previous relationship ruin my current relationship, which is what I have been allowing to happen the past few weeks

[bummer]

I am not going to let my previous relationship ruin my current relationship, which is what I have been allowing to happen the past few weeks

 

How? You're caught in a predicament where your new girl can see you are faltering yet you halfheartedly want to keep trying. If it's apparent enough to cause her anxiety and be noticeable, you should suck it up and end it. The further down the path of only playing your part and not living it, the worse the breakup will be.

 

And yes, your ex is winning the breakup and letting her ego walk all over you. Good on you for reblocking.

[Marc878]

I blocked my ex from all social media shortly after I went into NC. I didn't add her back but I unblocked her from everything a few months ago since I thought it was immature to block her. The day I unblocked her she sent me friend requests and tagged me in a post. So I blocked her again

 

Once her friends started posting stuff about going to areas they know I'll be I also deleted them, and they understood.

 

The new girl has been sensing me distance myself the past few weeks and asked me if I wanted to break up or if she needed to break up with me because I can't do it.

 

What ultimately came out of the conversation is that I am expecting the same issues to arise with her as my previous relationship. And that's not how it is. But she feels like she is waiting for me to break up with her which is causing her a lot of anxiety. I want to be with her, the timing is not ideal but it is what it is

 

I am not going to let my previous relationship ruin my current relationship, which is what I have been allowing to happen the past few weeks

 

 

You already have

[mousse]

It takes a long time to heal from important relationships and I definitey agree with the sickness analogy that one poster used. It's been that way for me also.

 

I wouldn't kick myself for starting a new relationship while healing if I were you. I was like you when I got dumped : I wanted to stay completely single in order to grieve properly. I was certain I needed 'time out' of dating. I ended up going out with two guys during my healing process. It confused me because I still loved my ex, but the relationships ended up helping me and the guys I was dating progress in our lives esp. with regards to love and dating. They were not 'the One' but the relationships helped me heal myself. I felt bad to be in that kind of relationship at first, but, looking back, I can see that those two guys were important and they also helped me move on even though I was not 'crazy in love' with them.

[SevenCity]

If you let your ex ruin your new RL, she was won the breakup.