Venting about the last couple of weeks

[Mr. Noname]

I still don't know what to do with her birthday!

 

I don't think I can handle contact with my ex right now. My expectation:

 

Me: Happy Birthday !

She: Thank you ! How have you been?

Me: Great, I'm fine. How about you? (no I'm not fine!!!)

She: I'm great too, I.... (and then maybe she tells why she feels great; information I can't handle now)

 

Maybe she only send a thank you back.

 

On the other hand, not sending her a text can look pathetic. She might think I'm so hurt that I even can't send her a birthday text. Not sending a text may seem weak! Not sending a text only reinforce her idea that I'm unattractive and can't handle a simple birthday text.

 

I'm desperatly seeking for advice on this one.

[IDB_2017]

Do not message her a happy birthday message.

 

There is no good reason to do so. I know I'm just an internet stranger, but I believe that I serves no other purpose than to make you look like you may be pining for her attention.

 

I broke up with my ex-GF of 6.5 years around 40 days ago. She had been emotionally cheating on me with a guy on another continent, who she had met previously for a couple of days. While nothing physical happened, she loved the attention she was getting from him and sought out contact again online and maintained it continuously.

 

When confronted, she also said she'd lost the spark and didn't feel romantically involved with me anymore. We were just friends.

 

I'm not saying that your ex-GF was cheating, but there may well have been another guy in her mind that caused the abrupt change and the end of the relationship. It seems a frequent occurrence. It also makes sense. People rarely wake up one morning and dump someone they have been with for a long time because they have lost the spark without having something to compare it to. Some event has usually happened, and often it is a crush or infatuation with someone else that they may or may not have been in contact with or met.

 

While it hurts, this much is clear: your ex was not mature enough to speak to you about these problems when they arose. A LTR requires communication to work. Losing 'the spark' is such a cliche and you see it everywhere, but it's only a label for some situation rather than a description or full explanation.

 

Losing the spark is common in LTRs, depending on how spark is defined. I truly believe even the healthiest relationships can be scuppered by someone losing the spark in the 'right' circumstances, i.e. perhaps daily life stress is kicking in, perhaps there are other new people around, perhaps you have moved to a new place. Whatever has occurred, something has wedged some distance (emotionally or physically) between you and your partner, leaving the relationship open to problems such as arguing, fighting, and infidelity.

 

At this moment, it comes down to people's maturity and integrity. Someone with low self-esteem may cheat because they suddenly feel attraction towards someone else and rationalise that they have lost the spark with their partner and, therefore, this is what they want and they'll do anything to attain it.

 

A mature person would come to their partner and say: "Let's work on our sex life", or "I would like us to do XYZ more often".

 

I would also ignore all the alpha/beta stuff. It's a huge generalisation of reality. There probably is some truth in that many women enjoy the bad boy, confident attitude, but I don't think it is what sustains long term relationships.

 

tldr. Losing the spark = not addressing problems earlier and maturely with your partner, labelling the situation in vague relationship psycho-babble ("I love you but I'm not in love with you", ILYBINILWY), it's not your fault and you deserve and will find better.

[Mr. Noname]

Thanks for your post!! It shines a new perspective, I think she was not mature enough to talk about our (and her) problems. Maybe I will have less guilt looking it at this way, Thanks for that new perspective. I hope she didn't cheat though, but I hope I will never know.

 

You don't think its weak to not send a text? Maybe I must let go of the alpha and beta thing.

 

Thanks a lot!

[IDB_2017]

Thanks for your post!! It shines a new perspective, I think she was not mature enough to talk about our (and her) problems. Maybe I will have less guilt looking it at this way, Thanks for that new perspective. I hope she didn't cheat though, but I hope I will never know.

 

You don't think its weak to not send a text? Maybe I must let go of the alpha and beta thing.

 

Thanks a lot!

 

Why would it be weak? Not sending a text = you don't care about it being her birthday and you are not interested in maintaining contact with her. That may not be exactly how you feel, I know, but from her point of view, that will most likely be how it looks.

 

At the end of the day, who cares about playing these mind games. It doesn't matter anymore because you are not with her. Be selfish.

[Mr. Noname]

It might be weak because sending a text can come across like: altough I'm hurt I have my act together and can be civil and polite. NC can look passieve agressive. Maybe I'm thinking it over too much, it's difficult

[IDB_2017]

It might be weak because sending a text can come across like: altough I'm hurt I have my act together and can be civil and polite. NC can look passieve agressive. Maybe I'm thinking it over too much, it's difficult

 

Well, that is one way to look at it. But soon after a breakup, people have to remember that we are all human and people will hurt, and the best way to deal with it is to keep strict no contact.

 

She may see your message as being needy and wanting her attention. Or she may see it as, like you say, an act of good will towards her in this time of difficulty. But there's no point in trying to decide between these two.

 

The choice is yours. Do what you want. If it makes you feel better to send her a message and get zero or a short reply, then fine. If it's going to set you back, then don't do it. A birthday message is not going to be the decisive factor in whether she wants to get back with you.

[Mr. Noname]

Thanks! I wont contact her over a couple of days. I think it will set me back big time. I don't want to hear anything about her because it will hurt.

Why would I risk that for a stupid birthday wish. If I send her a text she maybe thinks positive about me but what is the benefit for me? Absolutely nothing, I won't get her back and think that's what I keep hoping for. I hope the pain will be less the coming weeks, it's very difficult due some great life change (moving to an other house).

[IDB_2017]

Thanks! I wont contact her over a couple of days. I think it will set me back big time. I don't want to hear anything about her because it will hurt.

Why would I risk that for a stupid birthday wish. If I send her a text she maybe thinks positive about me but what is the benefit for me? Absolutely nothing, I won't get her back and think that's what I keep hoping for. I hope the pain will be less the coming weeks, it's very difficult due some great life change (moving to an other house).

 

Exactly!

 

On her birthday after I broke up with her (a couple weeks after) I was a mess and wrote a few draft emails, not asking for her back but trying to demonstrate my sincere love for her. Ha! A few weeks on, I'm soooo glad I didn't send that email.

[Lphan301]

Do not send her a bday wish message if you want her to miss you or even have you cross her mind. I bet she waiting for her bday to roll around to see if you will text her and when you do, it just validate to her that you still want her even though that might not be your intentions.

 

When someone doesn't want to with with you anymore. Every thing you do towards them comes off annoying. Sending a message comes off like you're bugging her. I don't think thats what you want to feel. In any case, if you are the dumpee, NC will make your dumper more curious than anything cause they probably expecting you to be chasing them back.

 

If it was your bday and she message you since she dump you. Then that probably show her being civil or throwing you breadcrumbs. But no matter what, it's better for her to reach out to you at this point. If you reach out and break NC, it will annoy her or make her think you still dwelling on her. You have to show her she made a mistake leaving you by being strong with NC. NC will make her think you give a s**t about her anymore. Which will make her curious.

 

This is just my two cent opinion. I once was the dumper a few relationship back and I remembered when my ex reached out I was so annoyed because I was so done. The more he reached out the more I don't even want him back. I remembered telling my friend " look at him, he won't leave me alone".. I sometime think, if he ignored me and act like I did him a favor by breaking up with him. I probably will be second guessing my decision. Now, I'm the dumpee And im trying to take what I learned in the past by doing NC for my own sake too.

 

One day you will realized she is not worth all your energy you're wasting right now. You will find someone that will treat you better one day. Think positive! When one door close another one open.

[Mr. Noname]

I think she will be pretty indifferent. NC did nothing the last months and don't think people will ever get their ex back with NC. She was relieved dumping me and had a lot of male orbiters, so I think she is partying with a new 'male friend'. It's making me angry

[Been]

I was you. I got dumped and was devastated. Kept playing everything over and over in my mind. Couldn't sleep or eat right. Was ALWAYS thinking about her. And then when I wasn't thinking about her it seemed like I was lost- that I would never recover from this and somehow it would haunt me.

So I came to a conclusion. Something has to change. I'm weak and pathetic right now and even if she did come back she would more the likely be turned off at how I am.

So I joined a gym. At first I would just walk around like I was in a funk because I was. But little by little I would work out. First 1/2 an hour. Then an hour. Then 2 hours. Then 3 hours. I think I just didn't want to go home to an empty place so I would just keep working out. It was occupying my time.

I would still think about her but it was less and less- I was just too tired from the gym to think about her.

If you have too much idle time your mind is gonna stray towards her rather by accident or on purpose.

Surely there has to be something that you've always wanted to do but didn't because you couldn't find the time ?

[Lphan301]

Have you ever heard of a guy name Michael fiord who is famous for his guideline on "how to text an ex back"... you buy it online and download it and follow the direction and supposedly he said you can almost win your ex back or at least spark some kind of romance from texting them. He said it will work regardless how bad the breakup was..

 

Years ago, I was the dumpee and I came across his website. I decided to buy his online workbook to see if it work. I don't know if it's just my luck but it did. The first thing he want you to do is NC for 30 days. The worst the breakup the more NC you have to do. Once you logged in the first time. Each chapter won't be released for you to accessed after your 30day NC.. the good thing is it make you have to do NC before you can see your next step. I follow it and I did win him back by texting sparking the romance. But who he is that cause the problem will never go away. Now I just got dumped. Don't know if I want to try again if my ex doesn't changed. People don't changed.

[Mr. Noname]

I have made "peace" with the fact that my ex isn't coming back and I'm not interested in tactics to get her back. She made her choice and I have zero influence. I love her and want to be with her but I know there is nothing else to do than to move on with my life. I will work out a lot, keep walking and writing and work trough my emotions. I hope I will feel better in a while.

[1fish2fish]

Just a quick encouragement here...

 

Please do NOT send a birthday message!!!

 

YOU and YOUR HEALING are your priority.

 

I'll write more later, but DO NOT DO IT!!! It will only make you feel worse.

 

(((hugs!)))

 

p.s. no more alcohol (or cut down) and no more coke!!!!!!

[Been]

Man I'm telling you once I got into the actual routine of going to the gym and actually having a workout plan that I followed it became so much fun.

Just pick a goal- you wanna bench this much or deadlift this much by a certain time.

[Mr. Noname]

I hope that the day will pass quickly tomorrow. I will not contact her, it will be difficult but I think I'll manage. I can't see myself with another woman, maybe I must install a dating app to see some other girls.

[Mr. Noname]

Pfff found some traintickets in my jacket from a trip a couple months ago. We went on a lot of trips, "we" liked that. So many memories, so much love, but she was already distancing herself from me. I can't bear the tought that she is with an other but the fact that she doesn't give a damn or at least accept that I may date other people says a lot. She was done with me a long time ago but didn't know that yet or wanted to give it a another try. We were not compatible but I loved her so much. Maybe I'm at the acceptance phase, I know we won't get together in the future and the love for me is gone in her. I hope I will find someone in the future, if feel very alone altough I see a lot of friends and familiy. Sorry for pouring my heart out the last couple of days

[Mr. Noname]

My therapist thinks it's strange not to wish her a happy birthday. She links it with my anger towards the breakup. Altough I think she is partially right I think it's to painful. But I'm doubting my decision

[Mr. Noname]

Talked to my therapist, I was wrong. She basically said: 'do you want to wish her a happy birthday and mean it?' No I don't, I'm angry for not communicating with me earlier and not accepting me for who I'm!