Mr. Noname Posted August 6, 2017 Posted August 6, 2017 Hello all, It's been 7 weeks since my break up (3.5 year relationship). She dumped me because she missed the "spark". I went NC directly but I couple of days later I reached out for a closure conversation, I wanted to meet up and say my last goodbyes. She said she didn't want that and wanted to wait a little more. Went NC after the last conversation (6+ weeks now) I went on vacation for two weeks and in our conversation we agreed that we'll contact after that. When I was on vacation my ex send a message to my father/mother to thank them and wish them all the best (that was two weeks ago). It was difficult for me to hear something from her but I didn't break NC. I think my ex just wanted to be polite. On my vacation I had a one night stand with a girl. I tought it would help me because I think a lot about the sexy time with my ex. It didn't help and I felt much more miserable afterwards. At this moment nothing compares to my ex and I can't see myself with other girls . I write a lot since my breakup, I write to my ex (not sending it), write to myself, write about my anxiety and sadness. I work out a lot and often go for a evening walk. In the upcoming weeks I will search for a new appartment because it's very small where I live now. In the meantime I'm visiting a therapist to adress some childhood- attachment issues. Despite the work I don't feel I make any progress. I think about my ex a lot, I hope she will call me, I hope the NC will make her miss me, I hope she will contact me for a conversation, I hope she will NOT contact me. I'm a mess and I don't know what to do to make it any easier for me. What is healthy? When do you stop crying and move on with your life? What's the difference between dwelling on your emotions and healthy emotional expression? In the last couple of days I read a lot of Superdave71's posts on (enotalone) and were helpful. In one of his posts he said that the pain is not coming from your exes but from yourself. In order to heal you must let go and decide to move on with your life. I want to move on but I keep thinking about my ex . I hope I can sleep well tonight because the toughts about my ex (positive and negative) keep me awake at night. Does someone have some answers to the questions above or some advice? I feel very lonely and sad.
preraph Posted August 6, 2017 Posted August 6, 2017 It's different times for different people. But going NC, the goal here is to stop focusing on her and the ultimate goal is to stop caring what she's doing or what she thinks. Mourn, cry, shout all the anger out into your car or pillow and get it all out. Then when you're just going in a circle over it and getting nowhere, make yourself shut up about it at least to other people and make dates with friends to go to lunch or the sports bar or a game or a gig and also pursue all your interests and revitalize yourself and make new memories because having fun and focusing on something else really helps to clear out the cobwebs that are this relationship ending. 4
bummer Posted August 6, 2017 Posted August 6, 2017 What is healthy? When do you stop crying and move on with your life? What's the difference between dwelling on your emotions and healthy emotional expression? 7 weeks is the equivalent of being in a car crash and you're just now smashing out the window to crawl out. For me, the next few months, are when you stumble back and look at the wreck from one angle, get a safe distance away, and check for injuries. In a year, maybe much less, maybe much more, you get to look at it all from a drone perspective and see before, during and after the crash to figure it out and box it up nicely so you can sleep well at night. Healthy is following the golden rules. Nothing that harms others, yourself, or gravely interferes with your life and plans outside of the relationship. You move on when it's far enough in the past to be more memory than reality. If you find it hard to stay upright and in control, seek help from friends, family or a therapist. I'm learning a bit over a year out, that I was masking some issues and ignoring some of the emotional injuries I sustained from a bad BU rather than confronting them and working through them. Focusing on other things is healthy, just make sure you aren't missing an arm after the crash that you are just ignoring since your new life is so super fun and awesome. 3
Author Mr. Noname Posted August 7, 2017 Author Posted August 7, 2017 Thanks for the replies! One follow up question: what do I do when she contacts me? We agreed to talk again but I know it's not good for me and will set me back. Is ignoring OK or is it weak? Maybe she understands NC is better for us and respects my proces. Maybe she doesn't give a **** anymore. I can't think for her I know. Pff I miss her so badly
Maldives Posted August 7, 2017 Posted August 7, 2017 Hello all, It's been 7 weeks since my break up (3.5 year relationship). She dumped me because she missed the "spark". I went NC directly but I couple of days later I reached out for a closure conversation, I wanted to meet up and say my last goodbyes. She said she didn't want that and wanted to wait a little more. Went NC after the last conversation (6+ weeks now) I went on vacation for two weeks and in our conversation we agreed that we'll contact after that. When I was on vacation my ex send a message to my father/mother to thank them and wish them all the best (that was two weeks ago). It was difficult for me to hear something from her but I didn't break NC. I think my ex just wanted to be polite. On my vacation I had a one night stand with a girl. I tought it would help me because I think a lot about the sexy time with my ex. It didn't help and I felt much more miserable afterwards. At this moment nothing compares to my ex and I can't see myself with other girls . I write a lot since my breakup, I write to my ex (not sending it), write to myself, write about my anxiety and sadness. I work out a lot and often go for a evening walk. In the upcoming weeks I will search for a new appartment because it's very small where I live now. In the meantime I'm visiting a therapist to adress some childhood- attachment issues. Despite the work I don't feel I make any progress. I think about my ex a lot, I hope she will call me, I hope the NC will make her miss me, I hope she will contact me for a conversation, I hope she will NOT contact me. I'm a mess and I don't know what to do to make it any easier for me. What is healthy? When do you stop crying and move on with your life? What's the difference between dwelling on your emotions and healthy emotional expression? In the last couple of days I read a lot of Superdave71's posts on (enotalone) and were helpful. In one of his posts he said that the pain is not coming from your exes but from yourself. In order to heal you must let go and decide to move on with your life. I want to move on but I keep thinking about my ex . I hope I can sleep well tonight because the toughts about my ex (positive and negative) keep me awake at night. Does someone have some answers to the questions above or some advice? I feel very lonely and sad. He dude just time it's been a yr for me and though the feelings have subsided somewhat I still think of her everyday and there are still moments that are tough. It's just time that's it's normally taken me a good 3 yrs or so to get over serious relationships. Just time. Although I will give u son advice keep doing the therapy not so much for healing but more so to give u an awareness of things and to untangle the damage these breaks up cause 1
bummer Posted August 7, 2017 Posted August 7, 2017 what do I do when she contacts me? Depends what you want when she does. If you know it's no good, keep her blocked and don't reply. The best revenge is a life well lived.
d0nnivain Posted August 7, 2017 Posted August 7, 2017 Everybody heals at a different pace. Stop measuring it on a calendar. This was a 3.5 year relationship. It's going to take longer than a few weeks to process everything. Give yourself a break. If you want to have the closure conversation because you think it will help you, have it. I don't think it will help because most people don't have the words to heal their EX's soul or even explain what happened. If you think it will set you back, it's not weak to ignore her. 1
Author Mr. Noname Posted August 7, 2017 Author Posted August 7, 2017 The only thing I want is her so to have a 'closure' conversation is a very bad idea. I don't have anything to ask, she doesn't feel it anymore for me, So what can I do, what can I say (rethorical)? I must accept this, but I want to hear from her so bad. I think about her all the time and all the good times we had. I wonder if she thinks about me but maybe she is having a rebound, don't know. All I can tell is the simple fact that despite the 'wonderful' time we had she checked out long ago in our relationship. The moments I shared with her were magic and felt like true love but now I understand it was just a moment in time. She fell in love with me and fell out of love a couple of years later. I can't stop thinking about her at a sexual way, I think I will go for a walk or take a shower. The only luck I have is that she lives in an other city and I have no social media so that's kinda nice. I hope I will not run into her the next 1000 years. Thanks for reading my post and your advice. Anymore tips or articles that I can read? Thanks in advance!
Stercrazy Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 I think closure conversations don't really do much. Chances are you're not going to get the answers you're looking for and in reality closure comes from within. NC is for you and you alone...for your healing. Sometimes people think that by being with someone it will make them happy. Not true. Happiness also comes from within. Just because you're alone doesn't mean you're lonely.
Author Mr. Noname Posted August 8, 2017 Author Posted August 8, 2017 I don't want a closure conversation. But there is a difference between my mind and heart. I will not reach out or break my NC. If she contacts me I think and hope I will ignore her. I miss her so much but the finality sets in, she is not coming back, she will have a new bf, she is possibly relieved that she dumped me. I feel very lonely and unloveable, I hope I can kick her of the pedestal anytime soon.
Author Mr. Noname Posted August 8, 2017 Author Posted August 8, 2017 Came across a couple of photos that I forgot to delete on my pc .. I'm very tempted to break NC, want to beg, want to plead. but I know I will not get anything from her. I will go for a walk now, I hope that will clear my head a bit. I won't break NC but it's tough as hell! The only thing that keeps me somewhat going is the fact that I haven't lost my dignity. The only time I reached out for her was a couple of days after the breakup asking if we could have a better closure conversation (don't want it anymore). She said that the breakup was to fresh and we should talk a couple of weeks later. I think she doesn't contact me because she is moving on or understands that NC is the best way for me to heal. I hope she is not so stupid to reach out to me after a couple of months because I think I will not be over her by then. Sometimes I hope she will come back to me, but after + 40 days of NC and no reaching out to me I think the message is clear. I'm angry, I want to speed up this proces but I know it's not possible. Searching for a rebound or dating is a bad idea, I'm a mess. I hope it's OK to vent on this forum, don't know what to do.
Author Mr. Noname Posted August 12, 2017 Author Posted August 12, 2017 I had a bad night, was surfing on the internet and was drinking alcohol. I googled her name, saw a picture of her LinkdIn and clicked on it. I think I was logged out so she didn't saw me stalking her but I'm not 100% sure. It sucks if she sees me watching her profile but I can't 'undo' it anymore. It's 7 weeks ago the last time I spoke to her, missing her when I'm alone. Drinking alcohol is a bad idea, it takes away your willpower. No internet anymore when I'm boozing. I hope this anxiety will go away (the possibility that I was logged IN).
d0nnivain Posted August 12, 2017 Posted August 12, 2017 It's absolutely OK to vent here. It's part of what LS is for You are doing better than you think. Hang in there. 1
Author Mr. Noname Posted August 12, 2017 Author Posted August 12, 2017 Thanks D0nnivain for your kind words! I hope I will overcome my own negative self-talk, self-esteem issues and self-blaming associated with the breakup. I blame myself for not being the Alpha male all the time. Some moments I hope she will reach out to me, that this NC is making her miss me. But if I'm being realistic; she didn't reach out for me altough 'we' said that we will take again but I think she lets me take te initiative to reach out to her. I won't reach out to her and will continue my NC. It's nice of her to not contact me, maybe she knows that if she has no wish of reconcilation contact is pointless. She offered me friendship 7 weeks ago but I said that I didn't want that. I was her first love, she was my second relationship. 1
Author Mr. Noname Posted August 20, 2017 Author Posted August 20, 2017 Today it's 2 months ago I was dumped by my ex-gf. I did not have contact with her for more than 7 weeks. It was a bad weekend, asked a women for a date but got rejected (she was already dating someone). I was very lonely this weekend and had no friends to go to. Went for a long walk today, came back home and wrote a letter expressing my emotions (not sending it!). Cried for 10 minutes and was listening to Whitney Houston ( wtf? ). I'm blaming myself for the breakup, I think I was not fun for her anymore and she fell out of love. Maybe I was a beta and she lost attraction. Sometimes I think the breakup was 100% my fault but I need to understand that it takes two to dance the tango. I'm scared I will hear something from her or from other people. Afraid that she is already dating other men. I don't want to hear from her because it will hurt like hell when I do. I want to move on and don't want to think about her anymore. My ex gf was out of my league (that's what she said) and maybe that's true. I'm afraid I will not find another girl like her. I'm not ready to date yet, but when will I be ready? I don't want to date, I want my ex gf back . Just a bad day, hope tomorrow will be better.
breadbin Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 Today it's 2 months ago I was dumped by my ex-gf. I did not have contact with her for more than 7 weeks. It was a bad weekend, asked a women for a date but got rejected (she was already dating someone). I was very lonely this weekend and had no friends to go to. Went for a long walk today, came back home and wrote a letter expressing my emotions (not sending it!). Cried for 10 minutes and was listening to Whitney Houston ( wtf? ). I'm blaming myself for the breakup, I think I was not fun for her anymore and she fell out of love. Maybe I was a beta and she lost attraction. Sometimes I think the breakup was 100% my fault but I need to understand that it takes two to dance the tango. I'm scared I will hear something from her or from other people. Afraid that she is already dating other men. I don't want to hear from her because it will hurt like hell when I do. I want to move on and don't want to think about her anymore. My ex gf was out of my league (that's what she said) and maybe that's true. I'm afraid I will not find another girl like her. I'm not ready to date yet, but when will I be ready? I don't want to date, I want my ex gf back . Just a bad day, hope tomorrow will be better. Aw man I feel for you so much but I'm in tears now laughing at the Whitney Houston bit. I did the exact same thing!! WTF is right! I've a couple more songs for you that are guaranteed to keep your eyes moist. Adele - Rolling in the Deep U2 + Mary J Blige - One Bear in mind I usually listen to heavy metal. I feel bad for laughing but you will get through this. It will take time and you are doing great. No contact is awful tough. It is for the best and you have to believe it. Walking, writing, music. These are all fantastic things to get you through it. As are family and friends. I remember bawling crying in the car because it was the only place I felt secure. I remember it was lashing outside and inside it felt the same. You will get through it because you have to. As a side note, no contact is probably the best way to get her back. Doesn't make sense but you walk away and if it's meant to be she will follow. Someone said here before - 'the more you chase the more she runs away - always' Basically when you stop wanting her you will get the opportunity to get her back and then I hope you tell her where to go. Think of the power you have now over her. The person who means the most to you in the world, the person you want to hold most in the world and you are walking away. Feel the power, feel the strength. You will need it.
Author Mr. Noname Posted August 20, 2017 Author Posted August 20, 2017 Thanks for your post and advice! I know the other songs and I will listen to them Hahaha the greatest love of all by Houston is also a big tear jerker. The biggest challenge for me is to completely let her go. I don't think NC will do much for me, If she missed me she would have reached out to me by now. I think she is rebounding with a guy and I'm crying like a baby but I guess it's healthy to expres my emotions. I hope it will speed up my recovery.
breadbin Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 Thanks for your post and advice! I know the other songs and I will listen to them Hahaha the greatest love of all by Houston is also a big tear jerker. The biggest challenge for me is to completely let her go. I don't think NC will do much for me, If she missed me she would have reached out to me by now. I think she is rebounding with a guy and I'm crying like a baby but I guess it's healthy to expres my emotions. I hope it will speed up my recovery. The reason she probably hasn't reached out is because she doesn't want you getting the wrong idea. She knows she has hurt you and doesn't want you getting hurt again. fair play to her for keeping out of your life.
Author Mr. Noname Posted August 20, 2017 Author Posted August 20, 2017 I think you're right! It's nice she respects me that way. I'm crying now because I understand she will not come back. I also have deep respect for my ex gf. She has her birthday coming up next month. I hope she will understand that I won't break NC or thinks I'm immature. I miss her so much
breadbin Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 listen she knows what you are going through i'm sure. don't break NC for her birthday. it might seem like a good idea but it won't be. you have to stop thinking about what she thinks of you too. do this for yourself. everything from now on in is done for yourself. it's good to cry. one day you'll start crying for sadness and it will turn into tears of joy.
Author Mr. Noname Posted August 20, 2017 Author Posted August 20, 2017 it's good to cry. one day you'll start crying for sadness and it will turn into tears of joy. That was beautiful! Thanks for replying, it means a lot to me.
Author Mr. Noname Posted September 6, 2017 Author Posted September 6, 2017 One step forward, two (or five!) steps back. My last post was a couple of weeks ago. I wrote a lot about my sadness, worked out a lot and when I had the time I went for a evening walk. I'm not ready to date yet, I asked one girl on a date but she was dating already, I think it was to early anyway. Last weekend was horrible, I went drinking with a buddy and talked about my ex. Suddenly there was a negative vibe, I was drinking a lot. Later I went to a bar by myself (without my friend) and met an "old friend". I used a lot of cocaine with that friend and went looking for some pictures of my ex that night. Afterwards I felt horrible, I don't want to do drugs (but I chose to do so that night), the last time was 2 years ago. I'm feeling very guilty, depressive and had a lot of anxiety. I want to stay away from drugs! I think I didn't do it if I hadn't drank so much, but on the other hand I was on a rampage that night. Anyway, the feelings about the breakup were far much worse the last days. Later I came to the conclusion that I have a problem with expressing my anger and become self destructive and blame myself for anything that went bad in the relationship. I'm back on track again but I think I must not neglect the anger and work trough that emotion. I hope something like that won't happen again and I won't lose the connection with my emotions. Do some people did experience the same or something like that? Feeling a bit alone and thinking I'm mad. Some advice maybe? Last quick question: should I break NC to wish my ex a happy birthday? I don't think I can handle contact, last contact was in june (!) so over a couple of weeks I'm at 3 months of NC.
Lphan301 Posted September 6, 2017 Posted September 6, 2017 I'm so sorry that you are hurting. I got dumped 2 weeks ago when I just got out of the hospital being diagnosed with multiples things. He dumped for the same reason like your ex. He said he doesn't love me anymore. I acted like a fool, I begged, plead, cried hysterically, told him I can't live without him and thinking about ending my life. He intervene and called the crisis hotline to talk to me. Thank god I didn't... he told me he will reconsidered working things out if I go get help. Once I did, he told me the same thing again he doesn't want to be with me. I packed my stuff and left. He called me a week later wanted to talked. I thought he changed his mind but instead he repeated again what he wanted. He kept saying he needed space to healed but never really clarify that it's a breakup when I asked so I can moved on. I ask him if he want to reconcile in the future and he said time will tell. So I acted like a fool again, and he became nasty and said never to contact him again. Once I calm down and said fine I respect his wishes-- he said we can be friends and still talk. I never acknowledge that and just said bye. It's been 16 days NC for me. The only time he reached out was to asked me what he should do with half of my furnitures. They were expensive stuffs and we got it together. But because I lost all my dignity I decided to start fresh. I text him a short reply and said donate it cause I don't want to risk seeing him down the road. I feel your pain so much and wish I can hugged you. It hurt to feel rejected and to think this person will love you and will never given up on you. I was put on anti depressant and it emotionally numb me. I got off after 10 days and I'm doing a tad better. Therapy really help which I'm going in a few hours. Everything you're going thru now probably doesnt make sense.. but one day when you find someone that wouldn't given up on you-- you would be glad this didn't work. I tell myself that everyday.
Lphan301 Posted September 6, 2017 Posted September 6, 2017 P.s.. they left us and not want us to be in their life. So why do you need to be nice and wish her happy birthday. You are not part of her life or her friend. You don't need to show her that you still cared and feel awful after breaking contact. Just think of all the neg things she did and maybe it wouldn't work out anyways if it wasn't your fault. We tend to do the self blame because we're the one being dump. I bet if we were the dumper, we will never felt we were wrong at all. Hugs sending your way.
Author Mr. Noname Posted September 7, 2017 Author Posted September 7, 2017 Thank you for your reaction! I give you hugs back ! Other people that have the experience that sometimes you do stupid **** and it sets you back . I hate myself I even think about her, she is relieved and I'm sad and depressed. When will it get better? Maybe it has to do with her birthday in a couple of days.
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