First breakup

[AllergicTofeels]

Hi all,

This is my first time posting my thread. I just start No Contact Rule yesterday.And it is very tough. I don't know what keeps me going anymore. I really want to talk to my family but they are conservative and they don't want to know that I used to date a person who just happened to be the same sex.

I know our relationship is over, however, I still felt something is off.

Before the breakup, I saw it coming when I noticed that she exclusively hanged out with her "friend" frequently on the weekend, and never want me to participate her meeting with her "friend" since she thought that we spent too much time together. I didn't think much about it because she told me that she is a lesbian and she will never be attracted to her guy friend. However she started coming home late, and I couldn't reach her for hours. She told me that was because she put her cell phone into the mini purse the whole time.

I started to suspect her cheating while she found little things to complain about me. Every of my question to her about the weather, concerns about her work, and her class at school escalated into unnecessary fights.

I don't know what to believe anymore. I would like to be very wrong but there are a lot of holes in this story that don't make sense.

I don't really know why I still think about her even though we are not official anymore.

I am still very attracted to her, and I don't think I could be her friend even though she insists that not being her friend is my choice. She said she would like to have me as her friend whom she could hang out and watch TV shows.

Should I still keep her as a friend and what are your opinions on that? Sorry that it is a bit long but thanks for reading

[stockyoldfrump]

First break ups are the worst and the later in life they happen, the worse they are.

 

Not sure how old you are, but understand that everything you're describing is entirely normal. I think the most important thing is to give up the idea of an easy fix. When this happens, your first impulse will be to figure out how you can feel better immediately, usually by virtue of contacting your former partner, trying to get them back or otherwise pursuing them. The first step is to come to grips with the fact that your life isn't going to be great for a little while, and then beginning to pull yourself out of the hole slowly so that you don't make any rash decisions that delay your own progress or sabotage it entirely.

 

A few suggestions:

 

1) Keep with no contact, at least for now. You can always decide to be friends down the road, but the decision to be friends need to be separate from the decision to be in a relationship. When you no longer have any feelings for her, you will be able to assess if/how much you want her in your life as a friend and make a decision that will be healthy for you in that regard. Right now, you can't possibly make that decision because your need to be near her is being influenced by romantic feelings you have. Unless those romantic feelings will be satisfied by the relationship being offered to you, they can not be allowed to come into play. The only way to ensure they won't is to wait until they go away.

That sounds hard, obviously, but the consequences of a bad decision are awful. In my first relationship, I consented to being friends with the woman who broke up with me immediately after our relationship ended. It led to a year of misery and confusion in which I was constantly trying to win her back, only to find myself frustrated, embarrassed and rejected. If I could go back and do that again, I would have gone NC immediately. I suggest you do the same and consider friendship down the road.

 

2) Try your best to see things rationally. If your girlfriend was not being honest, forthcoming or transparent with you about her whereabouts or her friends, a lot of trust had been lost. The only way to fix that would've been a very concerted effort from both ends aiming to work out the issues that existed. She obviously wasn't invested in taking that time or energy, which means she also wasn't invested in the relationship itself. That's not necessarily about YOU and could easily come down to where she is in life or what she's confused about, particularly since you're both young. But, as much as you can, be forgiving of yourself and understand that most every problem can be fixed with communication and effort. It wasn't tiny mistakes or misreadings on your part that led you to this moment, it was the much larger disinterest in fixing things on her end that made this an inevitability. That's not a comfort now, but keep reminding yourself and it will be one day.

 

3) Get rid of anything that reminds you of her. Objects, photos, texts, clothes, gifts, cards, etc. They all have to go. I don't believe in throwing those things away because I, on some level, will always love each of my partners, no matter how much they have hurt me. However, I do believe in getting them out of my presence immediately. If you don't like the idea of permanently getting rid of things, put photos on texts on an external harddrive that can be removed and stored and put gifts and physical objects in a box or bag. Take both things to your parents house and ask them to put them somewhere you won't find them. Don't ask where it is.

 

4) Get on a routine as much as possible. Your life feels like it's a second-second struggle at this point, so give yourself easily attainable goals that challenge you to negotiate small windows. Plan your day around hourly events like certain TV shows, scheduled exercise or scheduled meals. The more things you have to "get to" on a daily basis, the less time you'll spend sitting and thinking. When one activity is over, your goal should be getting to the next one. Accordingly, the closer that activity is, the easier it will be to distract yourself.

 

I'm very sorry this is happening to you. Good luck!

[AllergicTofeels]

Hi stockyoldfrump,

 

I really appreciate your advice.I am in my mid-twenties while she is closer to thirties. She is the mature one and she doesn't like to show emotions and comforting me when I needed her the most.This relationship suffocated me and we were on and off in the past despite I made compromises and took care of her, to make her happy, to continue her class, and not being depressed the whole time. Sometimes I really want a shoulder to cry on and I found myself very alone in this relationship but very addictive to her at the same time.

Anyway, I did make mistakes that you mentioned which I agreed to be her friend at first after the breakup because I was so tempted to see her and hang out with her like we used to do. However, a lot of confusions on my side made me miserable since she liked to touch and hug me, and she confessed that she was still "somewhat attracted" to my body while we were living in the same room.

Right now I live in a separate room, and I got so frustrated each time she went out until the next day.

I followed some of your advice(erasing our pictures) and thanks for reassuring that I indeed need that time and space for myself.

[bummer]

I dislike feels too.

 

I sense her "maturity" is an effective front for manipulative self-serving behavior where she holds you by a dog leash of her chosen length and tightness.

 

Stay away, with some more time and space, you hopefully will reflect on it all more clearly. Definitely do NOT let her be your TV buddy. You are not being weak or less mature by not wanting to be her "friend." Don't reward bad behavior with more contact.

[AllergicTofeels]

It's kind of descriptive that I could imagine she could yank the collar on my neck with her dog leash.

 

Aside from the joke, I do see why you said that her "maturity" could be a manipulative tool. Before moving into the new room, she always found reason to keep me staying with her in the same room because she said why not staying at her room that I paid already and why would I pay more to stay in the new room also the landlord hadn't renew the lease for the both of us. I could see her reason but the truth is that she was crying to ask me to stay for multiple times(even though she requests me to leave and rent a new room!)She told me she couldn't bear to see me leaving all of the sudden.

 

I thought I could move on by living in the new room but she cried and upset me. Later, I found out that she didn't care for me but just want someone to keep her company.

 

That in fact hurts me and I was going back to square one again.(Being sober and sad)

Sometimes I was still shocked that she used to be very loving and she cancelled meeting with her friends just to stay with me right now she is like a new person, cold and distant.

 

Love is a hell of a drug.

[CupCakess]

Hi all,

This is my first time posting my thread. I just start No Contact Rule yesterday.And it is very tough. I don't know what keeps me going anymore. I really want to talk to my family but they are conservative and they don't want to know that I used to date a person who just happened to be the same sex.

I know our relationship is over, however, I still felt something is off.

Before the breakup, I saw it coming when I noticed that she exclusively hanged out with her "friend" frequently on the weekend, and never want me to participate her meeting with her "friend" since she thought that we spent too much time together. I didn't think much about it because she told me that she is a lesbian and she will never be attracted to her guy friend. However she started coming home late, and I couldn't reach her for hours. She told me that was because she put her cell phone into the mini purse the whole time.

I started to suspect her cheating while she found little things to complain about me. Every of my question to her about the weather, concerns about her work, and her class at school escalated into unnecessary fights.

I don't know what to believe anymore. I would like to be very wrong but there are a lot of holes in this story that don't make sense.

I don't really know why I still think about her even though we are not official anymore.

I am still very attracted to her, and I don't think I could be her friend even though she insists that not being her friend is my choice. She said she would like to have me as her friend whom she could hang out and watch TV shows.

Should I still keep her as a friend and what are your opinions on that? Sorry that it is a bit long but thanks for reading

 

Biggest problem is that you live together. Any chance for you (or her) moving out?

 

You said that you just started no contact, but by your description I will presume the actual break-up happened some time ago (maybe weeks). Unless you move out, you won't really be able to start no contact and move on.

[stockyoldfrump]

It's kind of descriptive that I could imagine she could yank the collar on my neck with her dog leash.

 

Aside from the joke, I do see why you said that her "maturity" could be a manipulative tool. Before moving into the new room, she always found reason to keep me staying with her in the same room because she said why not staying at her room that I paid already and why would I pay more to stay in the new room also the landlord hadn't renew the lease for the both of us. I could see her reason but the truth is that she was crying to ask me to stay for multiple times(even though she requests me to leave and rent a new room!)She told me she couldn't bear to see me leaving all of the sudden.

 

I thought I could move on by living in the new room but she cried and upset me. Later, I found out that she didn't care for me but just want someone to keep her company.

 

That in fact hurts me and I was going back to square one again.(Being sober and sad)

Sometimes I was still shocked that she used to be very loving and she cancelled meeting with her friends just to stay with me right now she is like a new person, cold and distant.

 

Love is a hell of a drug.

 

The coldness and distance is, in my opinion, the most hurtful part of any of this. To see the person you love become...suddenly not the person you love is like death in a lot of ways. Their voice changes, their eyes change, their mannerisms change. It's like the spark of what you loved and recognized leaves them and you're left with this hollowed out version in their place. And you're still drawn to that version, even though you know what you loved isn't in there anymore.

 

The only way to help yourself is to become equally cold and distant. More so, in fact. The coldness and distance is a means of discouraging your affection, because she no longer wants it. To give it to her in any way will not only drive her further into herself, but will make you feel worthless for continually offering up the most precious thing you can offer and being met with indifference and rejection.

 

Take a cue from her and be distant and cold. She gets nothing now. If it helps you feel better, remind yourself that - with her behavior - nothing is what she's asking for.

[AllergicTofeels]

Today I made the biggest mistake..I went into her room to look for a plastic bag(of course she left), and then I saw that the two empty water tanks got refilled(usually she will ask me for help), and she purchased the two honey bottles from the bee farm that only the two of us visited before.

 

I felt like I have been replaced by someone, and then strangely that since the day I moved to the new room(the night she went out until 2am), I hadn't heard from her since. She never texts me, never ask me where to have brunch or dinner.

 

I couldn't finish my breakfast and I felt nauseous. I really really want to talk to her but obviously, it seems like she didn't care and she really just used me as her temporary emotional support when she cried and got upset.

 

The thing about the location of my new room is that it is super close to hers, and so whenever she went out I will hear the sound of the closing door, and the sound of her car key, etc.

 

She looks perfectly fine without me, and I am still dwelling in the past, and our good memories together.

I terribly miss her, and I still think of her as a good person and a good friend. I want her attention, her laugh, and at least please knocking on my door.

I felt like I could give up on NC so easily just because I really want those moments with her again.