Girl trouble

[thegreatfuldead]

So, been seeing this girl for about 10 months, not too serious, talked about being more serious, maybe trying to live together. Things are pretty good. We hit a few bumps. I'm a private person, she chased me, pushed me into a relationship. I reeled back, but I didn't regret my decision. She has trust issues, I don't mind so much. I'm not about that life, never worried about it. I'm not a jealous person. And I honestly say I cant complain about our relationship.

 

But this last week has been an utter nightmare.

 

She accused me of cheating. It was a weird situation, and I told her I understood why but went out of my way to explain to her what was going on. Well, she didn't directly accused me, but she certainly broke the situation down and things went to to hell. I reacted poorly after that, however I was angry because she has a tendency to get very angry very quickly, and I don't know how to respond right away. I need time to think. I am much better at words on a screen or paper than in person.

 

We left well enough alone for about 2 days. She asked if we could talk. And we did.

 

She made demands, or requests that have always been a fine line in our relationship. "innitate conversation, make me feel like we're in a relationship, try harder" sort of thing. Broke things down, and I said I would put in the effort. She's worth it. And we went our ways on good going to work it out terms.

 

So, I did. I went to the lengths of using social media less(i'm always staring at my fb.). Invited her out more, texted and talked more, made suggestions of things we can do. Now, she is very socially active, alot of friends. I am not so much, and like my personal time. Found events to do and things to do.

 

But here is when things get weird

 

Almost immediately after, she just...shut down. Talking to her the very next day is like pulling teeth, if i get a response at all. I called her out on it, still ignored it. She made the comment "It's kinda weird having you ask me to hangout all the time, I dont want to get used to it because I demanded it."

 

I have a feeling she wants space, or for me to leave her be for awhile. Which I'm fine with, I understand this whole thing may not work out. But this passive aggressive thing is strange. If she wants to work on it, then we will. If she doesn't, or wants space, she certainly hasn't gone the right way about doing things.

 

In fact, she made no mention of she needs space or anything like that. Just that she is moody. I send her the regular goodmorning, good evening...just no responses at all as of today.

 

Ultimately I think she is still trying to figure out if she believes me or trusts me, but that issue is out of my hands. Trust is a choice in the end. I'm kind of at my wits end, I don't play games, I don't take breaks, but space I understand.

 

So my question is, how do I approach someone and say "hey, do you need space or want me to leave you alone? whats going on?" or do I just do that, leave her alone? Much appreciated

[MountainGirl111]

I reacted poorly after that, however I was angry because she has a tendency to get very angry very quickly, and I don't know how to respond right away.

 

Umm: I see this as a big red flag. Not about you, but about her. Why does she get "very angry, very quickly"? Does she have a bad temper? Or, do you set her off? Whatever the case may be, consider this could be a tip of the iceberg. You could just be seeing a small portion of her temper and she could turn out to be a nightmare to live with. But, "love is blind", so they say.

Edited August 5, 2017 by MountainGirl111

[thegreatfuldead]

Well, we both work in the service industry. And, normally, the only time we have ever really fought is when she has, or was, having a couple drinks. And she balls things up inside, and I dont always notice. I can admit that. So when she goes off, she goes offfff. And I just sit and listen. I've never instigated a fight within our relationship, not to this magnitude, or previously.

[joseb]

Well, we both work in the service industry. And, normally, the only time we have ever really fought is when she has, or was, having a couple drinks. And she balls things up inside, and I dont always notice. I can admit that. So when she goes off, she goes offfff. And I just sit and listen. I've never instigated a fight within our relationship, not to this magnitude, or previously.

 

 

Can you give more details, or examples?

 

It's one thing if she is venting after a hard day at work.

It's another if she just starts yelling at you without a reason....

[MountainGirl111]

It sounds like she does have a temper and gets frustrated by holding her feelings inside and then erupts like a volcano. Just keep in mind that when dating, you are almost literally finding out stuff about people and they can be on their BEST behavior when dating and then the truth comes out. If she shows she has a bad temper NOW, what's it going to be like when you or both of you have stress hit the fan?

[thegreatfuldead]

Well - I have a few instances.

 

First time, was because she wanted to be more, well. Just more than what we were. Like i said, i am very private. Confidential, I dont need the whole world to know my business. And PDA isnt really a good thing for me. So, when I asked if we could take it slow, and for the meantime just keep it between us. One, we both frequented the same place, knew the same people, had the same boss.

I was trying to clean, she was being cute, and she wanted a kiss. I kissed her on the cheek because she was blocking my way into one of the rooms. But it wasnt enough. So I got alittle frustrated. Something else happened, but not with me with set her off more. Than she tried to help me with something else, that only requires 1 person to do (its a process. More people it just screws it up and takes double the time) She went off on me outside. Acting like her bf, and so on. At the place we work.

 

This same genre has happened more than once. The whole, time, effort, acting like her bf. At first it was just seeing eachother, she wanted the relationship alot more than I originally did. but she isnt bad.

 

Next, was alittle more serious.

 

She had someone walk into her house. I can absolutely understand she freaked out. We still dont entirely know what happened. Anyway she called me early in the morning. I was at work at my other job, my main job. I was doing morning briefing, and actual fire arms policy and use of force stuff (contract stuff), she told me what happened, walked out of the room. Now I texted her immediately after what happened, within seconds because I had live rounds and condition 1 weapons in the room (gun stuff, ie, dont do that). I didnt get a text back for about 2 hours. She had said I left my lunch in the fridge, and that was it, and that was that. I was asking who was it, do you know what happened, everything. And that was the end of it for the day.

 

A few days later, She freaked out about it. Said I didn't care. Said all sorts of stuff, that I never responded. Which i showed her I did, showed her the texts.

 

Another instance was she was looking for clothes to wear. She has a very large closet, and just sat down, it appeared to be she was just deciding. I was reading my phone.

While on the floor, she started to cry. I had no idea, i wasn't paying attention and was on my phone. So she got mad at me.

 

And the last fight, before this, was she was drunk, and mad that I made a phone call on the way home while she wanted to sing to me in the car.

 

 

 

 

 

I wish i could make this stuff up. Some things I understand, most I don't. I've noticed she has alot of demands, and gets angry at me - Alot.

[HarmonyDriven]

IMO and based on what you have told us, she sounds very immature.

 

Since you both work at the same place, there should be no PDA and she should know better. This could be different if for some reason both of you owned the place, (ie bar, restaurant, etc..)

 

This could be one of those relationships not meant to be. If one partner is into PDA and other is not, resentment will set in at some point. There has got to be a happy medium.

 

An issue of concern for me is she "pushed me into a relationship." IMO, she sounds somewhat high strung.

 

You sent her a good morning text with no response. I would leave it alone for now and go about your business, stay busy. Depending upon how long it takes for her to respond will give you time to figure out if this is what you really want in a relationship.

[MountainGirl111]

She sounds immature and high strung. Which can make for more passion, but less peace.

[preraph]

i think she meant what she said about what she needs -- but what is going on is she probably can't ever trust you again, so she is growing cold.

[Bastile]

If you're having girl problems, I feel bad for you son....

 

If a woman is seriously stressing you the F out, then there are two simple solutions:

 

- Get less women in your life (starting with her)

- Or get more women in your life

 

That's really it.

[Downtown]

Greatful, welcome to LoveShack. I'm having trouble reconciling your statement that "I honestly say I cant complain about our relationship" with your conflicting statement that "She has a tendency to get very angry very quickly." On the one hand, you describe your 10-month relationship to be fine right up until the very last week.

 

On the other hand, you describe your GF as an immature brat who has anger issues so bad that, in ten seconds, she will be throwing a temper tantrum or be seen crying on the floor -- over very minor issues. Which is it? If her temper tantrums and icy withdrawals started earlier than the last week, did they start when you two were about 4 to 6 months into your relationship?

 

You also seem to be describing a woman who gets upset when you draw close (because she feels you're suffocating her) -- but also gets upset when you draw away to give her breathing space (because she feels you're abandoning her). Is that correct?

[thegreatfuldead]

The "temper tantrums" no, but they were tolerable. And almost understandable, in some instances. Others blew my mind.

 

No, I didn't complain at first. Part of me thought I deserved it, because I can be distant at times. And I know I am not affectionate, not comparable to her, or what she wanted/needed. So I tried to accommodate things, meet in the middle. Digest, and move on.

 

 

Before it was, well. I felt she was suffocating me, i suppose.

 

After the events that unfolded in the past week has she been distant, unavailable, unresponsive or "icy withdrawels." She has never been like this before. Even in her angry bouts we could talk it out. Now she's gone silent. Before conversation was fine and easy, besides these...episodes. Communication wasn't a problem, unless either of us were busy or indisposed. I worked alot of overnights, 24/7 prn on call, emergency situations. My availability is alot less.

Edited August 5, 2017 by thegreatfuldead
adding info.

[thegreatfuldead]

Greatful, welcome to LoveShack. I'm having trouble reconciling your statement that "I honestly say I cant complain about our relationship" with your conflicting statement that "She has a tendency to get very angry very quickly." On the one hand, you describe your 10-month relationship to be fine right up until the very last week.

 

On the other hand, you describe your GF as an immature brat who has anger issues so bad that, in ten seconds, she will be throwing a temper tantrum or be seen crying on the floor -- over very minor issues. Which is it? If her temper tantrums and icy withdrawals started earlier than the last week, did they start when you two were about 4 to 6 months into your relationship?

 

You also seem to be describing a woman who gets upset when you draw close (because she feels you're suffocating her) -- but also gets upset when you draw away to give her breathing space (because she feels you're abandoning her). Is that correct?

 

 

User Jacob asked

 

Can you give more details, or examples?

 

It's one thing if she is venting after a hard day at work.

It's another if she just starts yelling at you without a reason....

 

 

Thats why I divulged the information about the anger issues.

 

Which is it? She has never been cold or had icy withdrawels before this point. So I'm not sure what you're comparing it to.

 

No. Only recently has she been cold and withdrawn.

 

Just to clarify. I may jump around sometimes, I apologize.

[Downtown]

The "temper tantrums" no, but they were tolerable. And almost understandable, in some instances. Others blew my mind.

Greatful, that's what I'm asking about -- i.e., the temper tantrums that occurred prior to last week and that "blew my mind." Did those tantrums start about 4 to 6 months into your relationship? Why did they blow your mind? Were they triggered by minor issues that she greatly overreacted to (e.g., as with her jealousy over nothing that was actually a threat)?

[kendahke]

I'm a private person, she chased me, pushed me into a relationship.

 

Did she put a gun to your head or threaten your family? No one pushed you into anything. You OK'd it with yourself to proceed in this. Own your decisions.

 

She needs a therapist more than she needs a boyfriend.

[thegreatfuldead]

Greatful, that's what I'm asking about -- i.e., the temper tantrums that occurred prior to last week and that "blew my mind." Did those tantrums start about 4 to 6 months into your relationship? Why did they blow your mind? Were they triggered by minor issues that she greatly overreacted to (e.g., as with her jealousy over nothing that was actually a threat)?

 

Hrmm, cant remember when they began, the anger and arguments I mean, but they became more progressive at a certain time. I was taken back because it was "well, I thought everything was going fine but clearly it isnt." And the reasons behind them were childish or blown out of proportion. The ones in the beginning were about attention, effort, but then they moved into things that I honestly can say she completely over exaggerated. She was sometimes jealous, but not directly jealous at anyone - just suspicous of certain things.

 

As of right now, its been 3 days since she's bothered to contact me. So, I'm just going to leave it at that. I don't know if its a power play, her seeing how long until I break. I told her I'm not going to beg for her attention, and this is a childish game. She asked me to make changes, I made effort, and she stopped. She has apparently made a decision or done something, so. That is that.

[thegreatfuldead]

Did she put a gun to your head or threaten your family? No one pushed you into anything. You OK'd it with yourself to proceed in this. Own your decisions.

 

She needs a therapist more than she needs a boyfriend.

 

Thats why I was still putting in an effort. I didn't back away, we both agreed to move on and work on it. After she made the demands, she is the one who has gone silent. Please don't twist what I have said.

 

On a side note - My gym time has increased tenfold. Holy crap I am sore

[smackie9]

How old are you? and how much experience do you have?

 

I remember when I was young I put up with and dished out things in a relationship that were unhealthy. You don't realize it until you go through the trenches and grow up/mature.

 

I see what she is doing.....at first she was getting all owly because you should just know how to treat her as a GF and shouldn't be told. Now that she TOLD you and you complied, now she's thinking you aren't doing this because you want to and care, it's because you are doing it to shut her up and it's all fake. I bet money on it.

 

What you two don't realize or maybe she is realizing now is how incompatible you two actually are.

I understand your response....she's pulling away so you want to fight for her more. Maybe she is playing more games and she is testing you to see how you respond. IMO this whole thing is just garbage. You will never win with her, she will always have some issue or issues.

[thegreatfuldead]

How old are you? and how much experience do you have?

 

I remember when I was young I put up with and dished out things in a relationship that were unhealthy. You don't realize it until you go through the trenches and grow up/mature.

 

I see what she is doing.....at first she was getting all owly because you should just know how to treat her as a GF and shouldn't be told. Now that she TOLD you and you complied, now she's thinking you aren't doing this because you want to and care, it's because you are doing it to shut her up and it's all fake. I bet money on it.

 

What you two don't realize or maybe she is realizing now is how incompatible you two actually are.

I understand your response....she's pulling away so you want to fight for her more. Maybe she is playing more games and she is testing you to see how you respond. IMO this whole thing is just garbage. You will never win with her, she will always have some issue or issues.

 

This right here I can understand.

 

The only thing that confuses me, when we talked. If she wanted space or anything, she should have asked. But she didnt. She asked the exact opposite.

 

So. Thats all I can really do or say. I'm done, and when she decides to talk to me, which I'm not going to hold my breath, I'm going to tell her we are done. It should have gone differently, but this is just immature.

 

 

28, college degree, have house, live with friends, going back to school.

[kendahke]

Thats why I was still putting in an effort. I didn't back away, we both agreed to move on and work on it. After she made the demands, she is the one who has gone silent. Please don't twist what I have said.

 

 

No one is twisting what you said. I didn't pull that out of thin air. I am not addressing the rest of what you said because it really is non sequitur to this. I'm addressing this shifting the blame of your actions onto her as if you didn't have a choice in the matter. You did.

 

You said:

I'm a private person, she chased me, pushed me into a relationship.

 

Bad choice of words, perhaps, but they're there and that's what stopped me cold in my tracks.

 

I've chased guys in my youth and I've never pushed them or manipulated them into anything they didn't want to be in of their own volition. IME, I've never seen it done, quite frankly, unless she had something on the guy to extort him into doing what she wanted, which is quite rare, or that he already wanted to throw in with the chick for whatever reason.

 

You gave yourself permission at the outset to deal with someone who needs a therapist more than she needs a boyfriend. You made it quite clear in that post that she wasn't a good candidate for girlfriend.

 

Every human understands the meaning of the world "no" by the age of 18 months. You're grown and no one can make a grown man do anything he doesn't already want to do... so I'm saying don't put the onus of what you freely chose to do in the beginning of this mess onto her.

[smackie9]

This right here I can understand.

 

 

 

28, college degree, have house, live with friends, going back to school.

If this is the case you are waaaaaaaaay too old for this childish crap. Seriously you don't need to be with someone who likes head games and drama.