someone18 Posted August 5, 2017 Posted August 5, 2017 My 1 year relationship just ended, it was her who broke up if that matters, in the last month we were constantly fighting about us. We know each other about 3 years, we were in the same class and there was always chemistry between us but we never did anything about it, she liked other guy and I was in that age of discovering dating, we aproached each other sometimes but I always ended up run and go to other girls. After 3 times that that happened I was much more grown up and I tried my luck and we started dating, we took vacations together with our families and was all perfect. In the beggining of the relationship I was a cold guy and she was always running after me but with the Passing of time I started to get soft. I always did everything for her and for us, but everytime we fight I was always running after her, I didn’t get mad even if I was right, always trying to make things right, I was a little bit needy and she was the opposite, cold, never tried to make things right and that sparkled so many fights, because I knew I needed to change but everytime we made things right I forgotted that, I was always promising that I would change but she needed to change too but never tried. I tried to change so many times but when I saw that she wasn’t doing the same I started acting like before and that made things worse. I know she loves me but our relationship wasn’t getting healthier so she decided to broke up everything by messages, she was so cold like we didn’t passed anything together, she said she didn’t want to see me and that she doesn’t want to talk to me, she seems well on social media and all of that but end up seeing my instagram stories even after quit following me and send me messages like “why you blocked me and unblocked me ?” And now “why do you followed me on instagram?”. I’m the tipycal nice guy and treated her right all the time because she suffered from an old relationship full of abuses by her ex, we passed by crazy s*** together and experienced everything together for the first time, like she lost her virginity to me and we were the first serious relationship of both, and now she ended up everything. I’m starting to change and figured that I should’ve trusted her more and give her more space but she seems like she doesn’t want anything more with me, and says she’s tired, first she says that is over and that we are following different paths now but then she sents textos like she is trying me remember that she exists. Her mother likes me so much and we always get along perfectly, and she works at the same place and always wanted me around. Today she called me said if I loved my ex I should not give up and try to change and if I do that she will change too. She even asked me to come by their house tomorrow to talk. I know I need to change and I’m starting to do it but I don’t know how to prove her that. I know that now I should give her space to figure things out but i miss her so much and she seems like she’s well but I know that she’s not, her mother told me that out of the blue my ex started crying at dinner when talking about me with her mother. I don’t want to give up because I know that in the end we are the ones for each other, we are very different but at same time we are equal. I know that this is too long but I sincerely don’t know what to do.
d0nnivain Posted August 5, 2017 Posted August 5, 2017 What is it that you think you have to change? I don't like the idea that you have to fundamentally change who you are to keep a relationship. However, if you need to mature & improve your communications skills those are positive healthy changes. Your EX GF's mother needs to stay out of your relationship. It's lovely that the mother likes you but I'm not sure she is doing her daughter a service by telling you not to give up. If you & your EX can't fix whatever the problems were that caused this break up, there is no sense in getting back together
Author someone18 Posted August 5, 2017 Author Posted August 5, 2017 It’s not change for the relationship, is changing for me, like you said, mature. The thing is that I don’t want to give up on her but I don’t really know how to fight for her either. Because the root of all problems was lack of space so now I’m giving her that, and we don’t talk because I tried to but she’s so cold and tries to push me away. The break up was by message and she doesn’t want to meet face to face, don’t know why. I’m a little bit lost right now and don’t know what should me my next move, do you think no contact rule works ? I’m starting to change my way of thinking and yes feel like maturing because now I learned the lesson, I should’ve given her space, what was the problem of that ? I now understand what she was complained about and I would love to show her that I can really grow up in that.
d0nnivain Posted August 5, 2017 Posted August 5, 2017 The NC rule absolute works to help you heal. It is not the manipulation device you want it to be, where you go dark / silent & she comes running back to find out why you stopped chasing her. Were you clingy & never gave her a minute's peace or time with her friends? If so she may have felt smothered. Apologize. A snail mail card would be good. Do not send a letter. Hand write the words "I'm sorry. I'll back off but I would like to try again." Sign your name. That's it. I doubt it will work but it is your best option. If things were more balanced her cry for "space" is code for she likes a different boy. At this point since you were the dumpee, you can't fix this. She has to come to you seeking reconciliation. If you chase after her you will just be a groveling pest. Don't prostrate yourself like that. You take care of yourself. Grieve the loss of the this relationship. Evaluate what you have learned. Take stock of your life & move on to another girl.
Author someone18 Posted August 5, 2017 Author Posted August 5, 2017 I always gave her freedom for doing everything, since she respect our relationship. I always tell her to be more time with her friends and have fun. The space that she was asking was like in fights, we fought but instead of me giving her space and let her think things out I always tried to reach her and didn’t gave her a chance of trying to come at me to make things right, I swear I tried to do that but she has a problem, she has the biggest pride in the world, and even with her mother, if they have an argument and she is wrong, she won’t admit and her mother has to go try to make things right. She isolated herself too much. Her ex boyfriend hurted her so bad and she got a trauma for that so since the beginning of our relationship I always tried to make her happy, thing that she wasn’t before. I know that, the no space was tiring but I never treated her like **** or tried to hurt her and in the end was her o did that without any signs of remorse because se only say it’s my fault and never admit that it’s both fault
Author someone18 Posted August 5, 2017 Author Posted August 5, 2017 (edited) If I had the “talk” with her face to face I’d realize what is better to do if I can try get her back or really moved on but she doesn’t want to meet me. She referred that she wanted to be friends but never shown sadness for leaving, only anger. When she broke up with me I felt so hurted that I was hot headed and things that I didn’t feel and I regret it. I’m trying to show her that I’m strong and that I don’t care but I do. I sent her a message yesterday just sayin “goodnight, I would like to know how are you” and she replied “don’t send me more messages, it’s over, we both followed our paths” the thing is that I never said that I was ok with this, I begged for another opportunity but she didn’t gave me. Maybe all I should do is wait that the anger is gone and then I can try to have a closure Edited August 5, 2017 by someone18
basil67 Posted August 5, 2017 Posted August 5, 2017 From her angle, I see two major stumbling blocks: 1. The two of you fought often. Why would she return to a tumultuous relationship? 2. You say that she needs to change. Why would she return to a person who wants her to change. You may be right about her being stubborn and prideful, but if she's comfortable with who she is, then she shouldn't be expected to change. Your choice was is to accept her as is or move on without her. Did she know that you wanted her to change? If so, it would explain her resentment towards you. Judging by her current actions, she's done with this relationship. So it's time for you to move on. My best advice to you is to not confuse being a 'doormat' (which is what you were) with being a 'nice guy'. A nice guy is one who is kind and respectful but who also had good boundaries of what he will and won't accept.
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