How do I tell my mom I have a date with a guy 12 years older?

August 5, 2017

I am not following some of the conversation going on here, but I just think an 18 year old girl wanting to date a 30 year old man screams absent father or daddy issues. And a 30 year old man going after an 18 year old girl screams, "I'm only interested in sex." If 18 year old girl is ok with that scenario, have at it....as many have stated, it's legal. But, since the original question was how to tell her mother (interestingly, not her father), many mothers here have given our opinion that we wouldn't be ok with it, because we've all BEEN 18....and also 30.

Serious question:

What specifically makes this inappropriate? Having been 18 and 30, what's the issue?

I just want to know.

August 5, 2017

I know it doesn't really matter, but didn't Jerry Seinfeld date his current wife (?) when he was like 40+ and she was 18?

Yes, but every $10 million dollars subtracts one year from a man's age.

I just checked my bank account, and I can subtract about three hours from my age.

August 5, 2017

I am not following some of the conversation going on here, but I just think an 18 year old girl wanting to date a 30 year old man screams absent father or daddy issues. And a 30 year old man going after an 18 year old girl screams, "I'm only interested in sex." If 18 year old girl is ok with that scenario, have at it....as many have stated, it's legal. But, since the original question was how to tell her mother (interestingly, not her father), many mothers here have given our opinion that we wouldn't be ok with it, because we've all BEEN 18....and also 30.

I think of myself....

18..Broke, living in a shytty apartment, making a half assed attempt at college, living for the weekend, my buddies, and the clubs/bars..Most of the people around me weren't that different...some more mature some less...

30 ...Married several years, running my own company, homeowner twice over..bills, commitments, adult shyt....All that other dumb crap just a memory...

I love attractive women as much or more than the next guy, but the intellectual differences are just enormous...And while younger and naive women often fall for older guys, the guys usually aren't in it for the long haul here for the reason's mentioned..

So then its either one of two things, as far as I can see...The guy is immature and can't relate to women in his "range" or he's gamed a younger and naive girl out of her skirt...Or maybe both...Neither seems desirable...

TFY

August 5, 2017

Serious question:

What specifically makes this inappropriate? Having been 18 and 30, what's the issue?

I just want to know.

There's a huge difference in priorities, ability to make good choices, and basic interests/conversation topics from when you're 18 to when you turn 30....man or woman.

I'd love to hear some fathers of teen girls chime in and say they're ok with this. Seems like the only "yays" so far are single men who are high fiving this guy lol.

August 5, 2017

Yes, but every $10 million dollars subtracts one year from a man's age.

I just checked my bank account, and I can subtract about three hours from my age.

LOL more like 3 minutes here.

I just checked, no, it's not his current wife, and she was 17 (and still in high school!) when they dated for 4 years in the 90's.

August 5, 2017

There's a huge difference in priorities, ability to make good choices, and basic interests/conversation topics from when you're 18 to when you turn 30....man or woman.

I'd love to hear some fathers of teen girls chime in and say they're ok with this. Seems like the only "yays" so far are single men who are high fiving this guy lol.

I'm trying to project to when my daughter turns 18 ... no, no, I wouldn't be OK with this at face value. But, if she's out on her own and doing her own thing, I wouldn't be able or willing to do anything about it. She's an adult. I'd just hope I'd instilled whatever character would make her pick wisely, regardless of age of the suitor.

August 5, 2017

For the record, older ladies will hate on you for dating an older guy. Almost never fails.

Most of the older ladies posting on here are thinking of their personal experience and/or how they'd feel about their daughter doing this. Personally, I'm thinking about both.

But if you're right that this is an older lady thing, are you suggesting that the average father would be OK with his 18yo daughter dating a 30yo guy? I'd find that really surprising.

August 5, 2017

There's a huge difference in priorities, ability to make good choices, and basic interests/conversation topics from when you're 18 to when you turn 30....man or woman.

I'd love to hear some fathers of teen girls chime in and say they're ok with this. Seems like the only "yays" so far are single men who are high fiving this guy lol.

Hmmm.

Seems to be a lot of assumptions there, but nothing that really guarantees a 30-year-old is automatically incompatible with an 18-year-old.

I have a daughter. She's 24 now, but when she was younger she expressed interest in an older guy. A couple of older guys. Luckily, I have a relationship with my daughter where she feels comfortable talking to me about anything. Anything. She came to me about it rather than going to her mother.

I'm no fool. I know there is really no way to make her not see the guy. But, we talked about it. I told her I would like to meet him first. Sit down and have a conversation with him. Man-to-man.

And that was the end of that.

August 5, 2017

I am a father of a young daughter. She'll be a teenager soon enough and you better believe that if a 30-something was interested in having a relationship with my teenage daughter, I will eat him for lunch....

August 5, 2017

I am a father of a young daughter. She'll be a teenager soon enough and you better believe that if a 30-something was interested in having a relationship with my teenage daughter, I will eat him for lunch....

Here's the thing:

If he had the courage to talk to me, I would have given him a chance. But if you're too chicken to talk to me, then that tells me you don't have my daughter's best interest at heart.

I'm glad my daughter could see that and it worked out for the best.

August 5, 2017

Here's the thing:

If he had the courage to talk to me, I would have given him a chance. But if you're too chicken to talk to me, then that tells me you don't have my daughter's best interest at heart.

I'm glad my daughter could see that and it worked out for the best.

Good for you. I choose not to participate in the antics of a 30-something who is unwilling to find someone more ready, experienced. I will not encourage my teenage daughter to settle for a relationship when she has so much to explore and accomplish for herself before beginning to think about having a family, relationship turmoil, etc. In fact, I will do everything in my power to help her explore and see the world, be open to vast possibilities long before she is confronted with limitations of a man who should have or already has experienced is not choosing a teenager to fulfill his selfish fantasies and insecurities.

August 5, 2017

I've always been into older men. Though my husband is nearly 10 years older than I am, I have also had terrible experiences with older men who only wanted to take advantage of me. They were manipulative and controlling.

A 30 year old shouldn't be dating an 18 year old.

If you were 30 and he was 42 then it wouldn't be a problem because you would be on more equal footing in every way.

August 5, 2017

Good for you. I choose not to participate in the antics of a 30-something who is unwilling to find someone more ready, experienced. I will not encourage my teenage daughter to settle for a relationship when she has so much to explore and accomplish for herself before beginning to think about having a family, relationship turmoil, etc. In fact, I will do everything in my power to help her explore and see the world, be open to vast possibilities long before she is confronted with limitations of a man who should have or already has experienced is not choosing a teenager to fulfill his selfish fantasies and insecurities.

That sounds good, but it doesn't always work that way.

At 18, my daughter was in college. She was also legally an adult. There is really nothing legally you can do to keep her away from him if that's what she wants to do.

The OP is at home still. But if they aren't in your house anymore all of this big bad daddy stuff goes out the window. Realistically, OP could still see this guy if her mom disapproves.

That's why I cultivated a relationship where my daughter could come to me with things. Trying to control her life at that age will only make her withdraw and become secretive.

At some point, you have to switch from being the boss to being a guide. An advisor that has her best interests at heart. Eighteen is about the time that happens.

August 5, 2017

That sounds good, but it doesn't always work that way.

At 18, my daughter was in college. She was also legally an adult. There is really nothing legally you can do to keep her away from him if that's what she wants to do.

The OP is at home still. But if they aren't in your house anymore all of this big bad daddy stuff goes out the window. Realistically, OP could still see this guy if her mom disapproves.

That's why I cultivated a relationship where my daughter could come to me with things. Trying to control her life at that age will only make her withdraw and become secretive.

At some point, you have to switch from being the boss to being a guide. An advisor that has her best interests at heart. Eighteen is about the time that happens.

I get that, but will do all I can to lead my daughter away from making such rash decisions at a young age.

I digress. I am not helping the OP's issue and concern(s). The fact of the matter is that the OP needs to be honest about the relationship. I don't see any other healthier way to go about this if she feels that this relationship is the most important priority in her life right now.

August 5, 2017

You're an adult. Date who you want. I never really offered much information to my parents about who I was dating, because I never felt like it was really their business.

For the record, older ladies will hate on you for dating an older guy. Almost never fails.

And right on queue.

But it's not limited to age. I've seen heavier women get upset when you date thin women ("She's not a real woman, she has a body like a child, you must be a pedophile", etc) or even when dating Asian women ("You only like them because they are submissive, you can't handle a real woman, etc").

I would date a 18 year old in a hot second. Doubt I could deal with the immaturity for long though.

August 5, 2017

If it were 20s I'd be a little different but I'm just thinking when I was 18.. And though legally I was an adult, but the way I thought and decisions I made. I can't believe them and it was clear my brain was still maturing/not fully developed. Same as an 18 year old 'man' dating a 30 year old woman. The developmental and experience(hopefully)disparity makes it seem exploitative and kind of creepy

August 5, 2017

I can totally relate.

I was 17 when I met my then boyfriend, age 27. We were together for 6 months. For the most part, it was a wonderful experience. The sex alone was incredible, he was my first. The break up was heart wrenching for me. I privately stalked him after the break up - not proud of that, but something I did. I did not know about No Contact....hahahahah.

I did tell my mom, and she was not happy about it....whatsoever.

Let me add, this sounds cliche, but I was very mature for my age. Experiences during my childhood made me grow up quickly. I have two daughters (23 and 18) and they had a "normal" childhood. So, I guess what I am saying, I thought I could handle a relationship with a 27 year old when I was 17. My daughters were too much into sports and school to even bother with boys....for the most part.

Many guys are immature for their age and this 30 year old could be one of them? Depending upon OP's life experiences to date, will dictate how mature she is at 18.

OP, since you are an adult, you handle this situation like an adult. Have a discussion with your mother, and let her know. I doubt she will be happy but you already know that. I would say something like this, "Mom, I recently met this really nice guy and we are going out this weekend. He is nice, has a job, going to school (insert positives) and by the way he is 30 years old. However, he has no kids and never been married." (hope the latter is the case.....)

Funny thing, my ex-husband is 8 years older than me. My 23 year old's boyfriend is 30 years old. It does not bother me, but she has yet to tell her father. I advised her to do so, but that's between them.

August 5, 2017

They hated on me for being a guy in a similar situation and I say more power to you! I feel a huge connection to this girl and everyone hates me for it and I say they're all jealous! Follow your heart and just be honest with your mom. Introduce him to her and let her make a decision for herself and if he's truly serious, he will WANT to meet your mom! I would love to meet the parents of my sweetheart!

August 5, 2017

If dating young hot tight women is "wrong", I don't want to be right.

This is why I would not want my daughter in 10+ years time at 18 to date such an older man.

I don't want her to be seen as a prize to be had, an accomplishment for the older guy as he bagged an young woman. Another worry is I wouldn't want her to feel pressured to settle down much sooner than she would done if she dated guys in her own age range, 18-25 year old guys.

Luckily most girls in their teens stick with guys their own age range anyway.

August 5, 2017

As a mother of a daughter almost your age, I'd be livid. A 30 year old man should be dating women in his age group.

August 5, 2017

I'm 18, still living with my mom, and recently met and connected with a guy. He is super nice and all around amazing and treats me better than anyone has. But he's 30. We're not super serious yet, we have a date on monday. I plan on telling my mom I have a date. If she asks the age, how do I go about it in a way that will help her understand that I'm an adult and I really like him, and that 12 years in the grand scheme of things isn't THAT big of a deal? Any advice/similar experiences would be greatly appreciated.

YOU can package it up any way you want, but the reality of older guys dating teenagers is that is is all about sex, and having sex with virgins/near virgins, and exerting control over a weaker individual, it is very, very rarely about anything else.

He may being "nice" to get what he wants, but never forget what he is really about. Guys like this date younger women as women around their own age would suss them out in an instant and call them out on their BS.

Fine if sex is what you want too, but remember he has a more experience than you in "relationships" and if he is starting to make you feel upset, uncomfortable or bullying you, then call a halt to it right away.

August 5, 2017

YOU can package it up any way you want, but the reality of older guys dating teenagers is that is is all about sex, and having sex with virgins/near virgins, and exerting control over a weaker individual, it is very, very rarely about anything else.
He may being "nice" to get what he wants, but never forget what he is really about. Guys like this date younger women as women around their own age would suss them out in an instant and call them out on their BS.
Fine if sex is what you want too, but remember he has a more experience than you in "relationships" and if he is starting to make you feel upset, uncomfortable or bullying you, then call a halt to it right away.

It seems like the significantly older men who date teenagers are almost unequivocally the insecure guy trying to be "big man" or the emotionally/mentally strunted guy that actually only has stuff in common with younger chicks. That's just what I've seen. I'm sure that's not always the case it's just the two stereotypes I think of. And I use "know" very loosely, because none the normy guys in their 30s I actually know personally have ever been seen dating a teenager. This is stuff I've read/heard about /seen afar. Not that they don't find the attractive ones attractive but it seems like compatibility or convention must stop them from going down the route. Idk.

As long as it's within the law, if it they like it I love it, but parents are not always gonna approve of your dating decisions and don't mind if others observe from afar and draw conclusions.

Edited August 5, 2017 by Cookiesandough

August 5, 2017

For the record, older ladies will hate on you for dating an older guy. Almost never fails.

The guy always gets kudos for dating a younger girl from his guy friends but yeah, all women either his age or older , are going to give him and his gf a very very hard time lol

August 5, 2017

The guy always gets kudos for dating a younger girl from his guy friends but yeah, all women either his age or older , are going to give him and his gf a very very hard time lol

Nah....Not in this scenario, anyway...

Most guys his age(unless he's got similar mindset buddies) will find it weird and kinda creepy...18 is young....just out of hs or maybe still in? No good..

No disrespect to any good guys out there, but the feeling I get when I see guys going for this arrangement would be similar to a 20 year old 200lb "kid" that got left back a bunch of times wanting to try out for the JV football team...

At 30, I'd want a woman.....I'm done with girls at that point...

TFY

August 5, 2017

.

At 30, I'd want a woman.....I'm done with girls at that point...

TFY

That's because you're thinking with the right head.

The "I don't want to be right" comment made by another poster proves that a 30 year old man dating an 18 year old girl is about sexual conquest. I would not want my daughter to be anyone's conquest.

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How do I tell my mom I have a date with a guy 12 years older?

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