Bantosm Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 I recently started dating a person who I find to be very attractive and with a good personality. At first I was concerned that I would have a lot of competition from other guys wanting to date her. Instead of that she says that if get to know her I won't like her because few guys do. When I check back after a date and ask if she had a good time, she'll ask if I did and will repeat whatever I say. This issue is sapping my interest level. I've expressed that I'm attracted to her yet my view is nearly meaningless to her. I have no idea how she really feels. Is this a problem with self-confidence, insecurity or something else? What can I do to improve her opinion of herself?
Ami1uwant Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 This is where you get her to drive a conversation and gave her initiate date planning. I've been there myself. If I feel I have to drive everything and initiate everything it turns ne off.
Robratory Posted August 5, 2017 Posted August 5, 2017 I recently started dating a person who I find to be very attractive and with a good personality. At first I was concerned that I would have a lot of competition from other guys wanting to date her. Instead of that she says that if get to know her I won't like her because few guys do. When I check back after a date and ask if she had a good time, she'll ask if I did and will repeat whatever I say. This issue is sapping my interest level. I've expressed that I'm attracted to her yet my view is nearly meaningless to her. I have no idea how she really feels. Is this a problem with self-confidence, insecurity or something else? What can I do to improve her opinion of herself? You really can't do anything to improve her opinion of herself, especially if she's not forthcoming about where her head is. Many years ago, I met and dated a physically stunning woman. She was five feet and firm and soft in just the right places. Her face made my heart skip beats, but she had issues or something because she was cold and passive and completely non-romantic. And I wanted to be loved, to feel that she was into me, so despite the fact that we had a ton of mind-blowing sex, I broke up with her. Looking back, I realize I made a mistake. The truth is, I cared for her no more than she cared for me, but I was the one who wanted romance, and she just wanted to screw (yeah, I know, it's usually the other way around, but there it is...). I should have continued the relationship. I had no complaints in the sex department. I let the perfect be the enemy of the good, and it took me a while to get back in the saddle again. Don't make the mistake I did -- better a bird in the hand than two in the bush.
Miss Spider Posted August 5, 2017 Posted August 5, 2017 (edited) What can I do to improve her opinion of herself? Don't think you can. Self esteem (opinion of oneself) is forged very early on and through a long life, melded with very intense emotion. It's a very powerful belief. She needs therapy and to want to improve it for it to have any chance. What you can do is be patient and assure her the dates went well, but positive affirmations rarely do much change. Instead of that she says that if get to know her I won't like her because few guys do. SHE TOLD YOU Maybe this is just how she is with guys she likes, but once she knows you've got her back and feels secure she won't do that. It's worth a try if she's a great girl. Maybe it will pay off! Edited August 5, 2017 by Cookiesandough
SevenCity Posted August 5, 2017 Posted August 5, 2017 Just be careful and remember when people tell you who they are, believe them. Insecure girls end up being more trouble than they are worth because the issue is ultimately self fulfilling.
Author Bantosm Posted August 8, 2017 Author Posted August 8, 2017 I started seeing an attractive but insecure woman. Before we dated she said she only had one other actual boyfriend and wanted to take it slow. At first she was shy but started to open up on the first date. For the second date we went bowling and then hung out at her house for a few hours. We held hands for awhile and she hugged me several times. I was forcing myself to take it slow or else I would've escalated the physical contact. The day after said she had a good time etc. I got news that I may be required to relocate about 200 mi for my job. I told her this and she said she never did ldr. I told her I would find out in a couple of days. I had no reason to check back with her. When I finally got the news I was not being transferred she had already figured that I would be moving she said to go ahead and break up. I thought once I explained I wasn't moving she'd be all for dating again. Nope. Instead of replying back immediately like she before she waited until the next day. Then she said how she felt it wasn't going to work out now. She said she doesn't mind talking but isn't interested in dating anyone now. I never had someone I was dating go cold like this. I thought maybe she got spooked by the news that I might move but I already let her know that I wouldn't be up for transfer again until a few years. She starts back to nursing school in a couple days. What do you think happened to change her mind? Is there any way to fix this problem?
basil67 Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 She checked out when you said you might move away. My guess is that she wasn't very sad about you going and now that you're not going, she isn't sufficiently interested to try again. Next. 3
mortensorchid Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 Don't over think things, this just wasn't meant to be. Move on. 2
smackie9 Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 I believe in her little world of anxiety/insecurity she thought you were going out on a date with someone else and you just made up the moving away excuse. So she already dismissed dating you ever again. Dude you dodged a bullet. This girl has problems that a therapist needs to address. 1
Author Bantosm Posted August 8, 2017 Author Posted August 8, 2017 She checked out when you said you might move away. My guess is that she wasn't very sad about you going and now that you're not going, she isn't sufficiently interested to try again. Next. I think she was more shocked by the potential that I might have to move and once I didn't respond after x days she figured it was a given. I don't think it was a lack of interest on her part but insecurity. She already expressed that she felt I wouldn't like her once I got to know her based on her experience with other men. I think she figured my moving talk was the same lack of interest and she felt like I would end up hurting her so she thought the safe choice was to end it. I never had anyone go cold like this but there were a couple of instances that were somewhat similar and in both times I found out later it wasn't because a lack of interest. For that reason, I still think there is a way to fix it.
Author Bantosm Posted August 8, 2017 Author Posted August 8, 2017 I believe in her little world of anxiety/insecurity she thought you were going out on a date with someone else and you just made up the moving away excuse. So she already dismissed dating you ever again. That makes sense and would explain a lot. Dude you dodged a bullet. This girl has problems that a therapist needs to address.Everyone has issues and bad insecurity is tough but her other positives more than make up for it. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 OP, I would ask her out on another date. Stop explaining things. Just ask her out, but be ready to move on. I can see how, with the anxiety, a flood of doubts would kick in... 1. He may be moving, there's no point... 2. Does he really like me, or is he telling me he's not leaving b/c he wants something 'else' ? 3. I'm talking another guy and he may be easier to date 4. There's a little too much uncertainty with this guy .....
kendahke Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 Next time you have news like this, don't share it with someone new until you know for certain that you're actually leaving town. She really didn't need to know this when you told her. If she was an established girlfriend/wife, that's a different story. 5
smackie9 Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 That makes sense and would explain a lot. Everyone has issues and bad insecurity is tough but her other positives more than make up for it. This is more than a issue...it's a problem. It's a real problem in a relationship. Eventually the bad ends up out weighing the good and wears you down. She's pretty firm on her decision and you should respect that. The more you push a person that suffers from anxiety/insecurity, it only exasperates it.
Author Bantosm Posted August 9, 2017 Author Posted August 9, 2017 This is more than a issue...it's a problem. It's a real problem in a relationship. Eventually the bad ends up out weighing the good and wears you down. She's pretty firm on her decision and you should respect that. The more you push a person that suffers from anxiety/insecurity, it only exasperates it. I strongly disagreed with your statement yesterday but now after some experience I agree with it completely.
Author Bantosm Posted August 9, 2017 Author Posted August 9, 2017 I recently had a fallout with girl I was dating. She already told me she was feeling very stressed. Yet I kept pushing things instead of giving her time. Worst I repeatedly asked if she wanted to keep talking. I thought she might open up more instead each time I asked this her interest level dropped. Finally when I asked the question for the nth time her answer was indifferent. I continued this process and said that I cared about her but this wasn't working out and that she should block me. Again, I was hoping she would argue against it but she said-Oh then ended up not blocking me but removing me from her list. Hours later I think it was dumb move but I can't let it go. Now I'm thinking that she didn't block me because she still wants to talk. I have a problem of digging myself in a hole after a problem comes up and eroding the relationship until it's ended. Any tips to end this bad habit? Is there a way to fix the said friendship?
coolheadal Posted August 9, 2017 Posted August 9, 2017 I started seeing an attractive but insecure woman. Before we dated she said she only had one other actual boyfriend and wanted to take it slow. At first she was shy but started to open up on the first date. For the second date we went bowling and then hung out at her house for a few hours. We held hands for awhile and she hugged me several times. I was forcing myself to take it slow or else I would've escalated the physical contact. The day after said she had a good time etc. I got news that I may be required to relocate about 200 mi for my job. I told her this and she said she never did ldr. I told her I would find out in a couple of days. I had no reason to check back with her. When I finally got the news I was not being transferred she had already figured that I would be moving she said to go ahead and break up. I thought once I explained I wasn't moving she'd be all for dating again. Nope. Instead of replying back immediately like she before she waited until the next day. Then she said how she felt it wasn't going to work out now. She said she doesn't mind talking but isn't interested in dating anyone now. I never had someone I was dating go cold like this. I thought maybe she got spooked by the news that I might move but I already let her know that I wouldn't be up for transfer again until a few years. She starts back to nursing school in a couple days. What do you think happened to change her mind? Is there any way to fix this problem? You can't fix anything, except it as okay or nah. But when you nah you think you can change their mindset. Nope doesn't work like that. You need to move on...
preraph Posted August 9, 2017 Posted August 9, 2017 Put yourself in their place and weigh your actions accordingly.
basil67 Posted August 10, 2017 Posted August 10, 2017 Is this the same girl you wrote about here? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/631828-suddenly-doesn-t-want-date
HarmonyDriven Posted August 10, 2017 Posted August 10, 2017 Tips to end this bad habit: re-read this post over and over and the responses that follow. How to fix the friendship? IMO, I don't think you were really friends. Dated a few times....? Asking the same question 9 times.....wanting her to argue...ugh. IMO, best to leave her alone. If she wants to communicate with you, she will.
bachdude Posted August 10, 2017 Posted August 10, 2017 OP, you're getting a glimpse of what life would be like living with her insecurities. Are you sure you want to fix this? Maybe just let it go.
5x5 Posted August 10, 2017 Posted August 10, 2017 She's evidently not interested, so move on and try someone else.
joseb Posted August 10, 2017 Posted August 10, 2017 The talk of moving probably killed it, but i reckon she also may have lost interest after spending hours in her house with nothing happening... 1
diddilybop Posted August 10, 2017 Posted August 10, 2017 i agree with the other posts. she may not have been super interested in the first place and your news (even though you're not moving anymore) made it easier for her to break up. it's time for you to move on too. especially since she didn't express interest in dating after you said you wouldn't be relocating. don't overanalyze this
Bastile Posted August 10, 2017 Posted August 10, 2017 Next time you have news like this, don't share it with someone I agree. Instead of escalating, you spent two dates giving her reasons not to go out with you. The lack of escalation put you in the boyfriend box. The verbal diarrhea talked yourself out of being her boyfriend (rules you out on "compatibility" grounds). Giving her that information did not benefit you in any way. She likely has plenty of faults that she just didn't tell you. In future, kacker the mooi (shut the big mouth), as my dear old gran used to tell me
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