And the breadcrumbs turn into croutons

[marky00]

Guys, I need some advise.

 

 

Some of you know my backstory with my ex.

 

 

12 months ago, I finally decided to go maintain complete NC which was helped along by the fact that my Ex had no desire to talk anyway. I took her to the Maldives (even though we were broken up) and a couple of months later her disrespect started to grow again so I assumed a 3rd party (probably the one who broke us up in the first place) was back on the scenes.

 

 

For 6 months, total NC. Then since Christmas, I have been getting a message once per month. The fist few were messages asking me how my life is going and how I have been etc. After about 4 months of this, I finally decided to ask her what it is she wanted to say. Of course no response. Then maybe 2 months ago she asked me if I am married. I did not respond.

 

 

Today I get a message from her saying "I wish you a good life". Now I know her well after being in a relationship for almost 10 years. I have heard this message before and it's coming from a place of hurt and anger. I am sure of this.

 

 

The question is what should I do now? I have been chatting to another girl for the last couple of months who I feel I might be interested in (although it is still a little early to tell).

 

 

I feel like my Ex has cornered me into contacting her now. The power shift has definitely changed in my favour ( at least to some degree) but I think ignoring this message from her might cause me a problem later so I would prefer to deal with it appropriately now and then continue with my path forwards.

 

 

What do I do? This person disrespected me for a long time. Then for months she sends out crumbs and now it seems she wants to guilt trip me but I have just been wanting to protect myself because every time I tried, her disrespect would eventually come back.

 

 

Something is definitely up here. I checked her social media a couple of times last few months (I can do this without it bothering me too much now) and she has profile status messages saying stuff like "Be strong" "Keep smiling" etc. My take on this was that this 3rd party once again dumped her and me ignoring her for a year has probably just made things even harder for her.

 

 

Is there a way I can respond but not undo all my hard work. Maybe something like "I'm still not clear what the contact is about?". On so many levels I don't want to but I am smart enough to know that me ignoring this message could shift the power back her way if it upsets her enough. I want to keep my respect and do what is right for me BUT this last message makes me think I need to say something.

 

 

I was hoping her contact would start being more clear and direct but its the same old wishy washy stuff that opens me up to a situation that might not serve me well.

 

 

To me this is narcissistic behaviour. She treats me very bad and now guilt trips me when I have decided to move on.

 

 

Can't she understand that she needs to address what has happened? And to stop expecting I will divulge anything about myself when she isn't doing the same.

 

 

What to do?

Edited August 4, 2017 by marky00

[Blanco]

You two still live in different countries? There's your answer. Forget this woman.

[marky00]

You two still live in different countries? There's your answer. Forget this woman.

 

 

LOL Blanco.

 

 

I just don't want to get into a situation where say in maybe a couple of years, I feel like I want to contact her on some level and I will be thinking she won't want to talk at all. Seems so weird since she dumped me.

 

 

I guess you could say this latest contact is messing with my "taking the high road" strategy, which is probably why she is doing this.

 

 

I should point out she sent this message at 11:30PM her time this Friday night. Too many drinks at the bar maybe ???

Edited August 4, 2017 by marky00

[basil67]

Perhaps she needs money.

[elaine567]

I do not see text to an ex saying "I wish you a good life". as a "crouton,

and what is all this about power shifts?

 

She will most likely be oblivious to all this thinking on your part, I guess you are way overestimating your part in her life.

Dumpers contact dumpees to see how they are getting along and to often assuage some of their guilt for dumping them and making them miserable.

 

They contact when bored, when at a loose end, when drunk, when they need an ego boost, when things may not be going quite in the way they hoped and they need a friendly face, or when they need advice, help or a favour, BUT whatever is going on in their life at the time, they do not usually EVER want to reconcile.

[marky00]

Perhaps she needs money.

 

 

very possible.

[basil67]

very possible.

 

Block her.

[marky00]

I do not see text to an ex saying "I wish you a good life". as a "crouton,

and what is all this about power shifts?

 

 

She used that phrase a few times, like after we broke up in the past. I dated her for 10 years and I trust my gut as to what it means. It's a statement she used before to indicate she was moving on etc. It's her way of showing she is finalising things (her way of controlling the ending etc).

 

 

By power shift, I just meant, she dumped me and for the last 6 months she has messaged me 10 times yet I never respond. You be the judge if there has been a power shift.

 

 

You say I'm overthinking this. I say I'm not. I simply don't know how to respond to someone who I have been ignoring for a year, who disrespected me many times and yet is wishing me a good life.

Edited August 4, 2017 by marky00

[basil67]

I simply don't know how to respond to someone who I have been ignoring for a year, who disrespected me many times and yet is wishing me a good life.

 

You don't respond. You block.

[elaine567]

I simply don't know how to respond to someone who I have been ignoring for a year, who disrespected me many times and yet is wishing me a good life.

 

YOU don't respond at all, why would you?

It is not a phrase that needs a response anyway.

[marky00]

YOU don't respond at all, why would you?

It is not a phrase that needs a response anyway.

 

which is why I posted and asked the qu.

 

 

I guess its just she has been trying to rid herself of the guilt for a long time. I cared for her a lot for years and there is s small part of me that doesn't enjoy continuing to ignore her. I am only human after all.

 

 

I have reached a point where I have somewhat forgiven her but I just don't feel like verbalising that to her, mainly due to the way she has been contacting me. It's all been about asking me questions but offering nothing about herself.

 

 

I feel like she is trying to put the ball back in my court to try to offload some more guilt. It's a shame really that she couldn't just let things be.

[Maldives]

Hi Marky

 

I know this behaviour this is exactly my ex and she would do this wen we were doing this whole back n forth thing.

 

It's manipulation no doubt about it but a more subtle type it's simply to solicit a response.

 

To me it sounds like u and her have unfinished business ur not ready to let her go from ur life correct?

 

R u hoping to to keep the door open hoping to see if her behaviour changes ? If so there's only one way to tackle this and that's to confront her and tell her what her behaviour and bad treatment did to u. If ur wanting reconciliation as an option then bring her up on it and test her to see how serious she is about it by doing couple counseling and mention it for at least a good chunk of time that'll test and show and reveal her commitment cards to u. The reason I'm saying this is it'll show u where u stand wth her. I feel you r right things haven't gone so well for her possibly and she's reaching out to u for whatever reasons. Be frank wth her and I bet my life on it her responses will all be excuses and blaming u. That s a sign to not reconcile because she's immature and has no awareness of her own behaviour in things. She's like my ex manipulative when they want there own way. I'll take a guess and say when she broke up wth u u never heard from her right and she was cruel . Be honest and direct to put the ball back in ur court. I feel u won't get very far tho she seems like she has no concept or self awareness of her own actions in ur break up they never do she's not a narcissist but she's defiantly manipulating u by making u feel guilty. U have no reason to feel that way. U could also say and bring her on the fact that she started all this and left u u didn't leave her. Or u could just not respond that would be the best but I can tell she's got u wrapped around her finger wth her manipulation.

Edited August 4, 2017 by Goodguy05

[elaine567]

which is why I posted and asked the qu.

I guess its just she has been trying to rid herself of the guilt for a long time. I cared for her a lot for years and there is s small part of me that doesn't enjoy continuing to ignore her. I am only human after all.

 

Trouble is that she probably feels it is now safe to re-enter your life as a friend/acquaintance, but because you still care a lot and it still hurts, then you cannot do that.

That is what NC is really for so that the dumpee is not constantly reminded of what they cannot have. There are no stray texts, no social media "likes", no pics to mull over, no contact whatsoever.

[marky00]

I think I have been misunderstood.

 

 

I don't want a reconciliation. Let me make that clear.

 

 

I know exactly why she is contacting me. And yes it is to solicit a response.

 

 

My only concern here was that if I don't respond, one day in a few years I might wish to reconnect with her (after all we knew each other for more than 10 years) and it will be her ignoring me. This is what I meant by power shifts. They fluctuate all the time post BU and I would prefer to be in the better position if I can help it.

 

 

To you guys that message is her wishing me the best. But I know her well and this is definitely to solicit a response from me. Not to reconcile, she is just upset that I am not talking to her.

 

 

Hopefully, I have made things more clear now.

[marky00]

And yes Goodguy I have been down that road before.

 

 

Once you start to show interest or care again, that's when they start blaming you for things in the past etc. It's totally ridiculous. You can't win because when u ignore them they feel guilty and when u keep in contact, they feel guilty and then blame you for feeling guilty.

 

 

This is precisely why for 12 months I have only responded 1 time stating clearly for her to say what she wants to say and then let it go. That way, I am not fuelling the fire in anyway.

[Maldives]

Then just respond dude and make it brief and play her game and just make some excuse like u were busy lol "like hey just saw this now was busy or got caught up wth things or even better I was travelling overseas lol make up some bull**** that's brief reveals or gives nothing away and puts u in front and levels the playing field. The only way then is to respond and be brief as in u replied

[Maldives]

Btw don't make the same mistake I made and let her sabotage ur new potential relationship u have on the cards.

 

My ex wife did this ran back to me if just started seeing this really nice girl and she played wth my head and sabotaged the new relationship.

I think once we break up especially when there's been a lot of hurt it's better to just leave it behind if we can

[marky00]

And Goodguy yes you are right.

 

 

Her self-awareness is totally non-existent. That has always been the case. It's quite eye opening to think she could go though all this stuff and still appear to have not changed in anyway. Still just worrying about her image and thinking that boosting her ego will fix her deeper issues.

[Maldives]

I dunno if it's a female thing but I've found a lot of woman passed relationships and lots of friends relationships I hear the same thing there's never an apology even lol even wen it's very obvious they did wrong and that has been sadly my experience wth woman. I don't wanna pigeon hole but they do seem to be like this

[marky00]

Then just respond dude and make it brief and play her game and just make some excuse like u were busy lol "like hey just saw this now was busy or got caught up wth things or even better I was travelling overseas lol make up some bull**** that's brief reveals or gives nothing away and puts u in front and levels the playing field. The only way then is to respond and be brief as in u replied

 

 

I could but the issue I have with that route is I could come across as being a little naïve and it also potentially eases her guilt as well.

 

 

Also the message that was sent doesn't really allow for a casual response. Cmon, if some said to you, "Goodguy, I wish you a good life". You going to respond with " oh sorry, I just got back from overseas, been busy". Sounds a little weird lol.

[Maldives]

I would dude I wouldn't get deep and meaningful. Let me explain why yes it comes off as being a little contrived but ask yourself this what exactly is her message saying?

Be brief remember u don't owe her any sympathy or anything remember that...why are u even 2nd guessing how to respond? Ur way over thinking this she treated u like **** and ur here clutching at straws about how to respond lol common dude

Edited August 4, 2017 by Goodguy05

[marky00]

I would dude I wouldn't get deep and meaningful. Let me explain why yes it comes off as being a little contrived but ask yourself this what exactly is her message saying?

Be brief remember u don't owe her any sympathy or anything remember that

 

Also, I don't really want to promote any further game playing. My whole purpose of NC was to put a stop to that completely.

 

 

Like I mentioned above, that message she sent is coming from a place of anger or hurt. Reason I know. 3 years into our relationship, we broke up (back then I was the dumper but she somewhat forced me into it) and 3 days later she sends me a very brief email with the words "I wish you have a good life". She has used this exact message about 3 or 4 times and it has always been at times associated with high emotions such as breakups etc.

 

 

I am now such an advocate of trusting my gut. Every time I didn't, I regretted it.

 

 

My gut right now tells me this:

 

 

I don't really think she really wants to reconcile but she is definitely a little hurt/angered by my offering no response for a long time. Even though she doesn't truly want to reconcile, she would feel better if she knew I still wanted to reconcile with her. I think my silence (a small form of rejection) has caused her to reach a point where she will finally let go and accept the guilt she has.

 

 

Maybe that's the issue here. Maybe I don't want to be a part of her moving on. As in that my continual ignoring/rejection will probably make it easier for her to wipe our history from existence.

[Maldives]

I think u nailed it

[marky00]

Goodguy, I was never going to be deep and meaningful.

 

 

My choices were either no response (so far my preferred option) or a very generic message offering nothing at all.

[1fish2fish]

If you feel you must respond, a simple "thank you" should suffice.