Is it OK for my wife to have male friends? What are your thoughts?

[roughpatch]

My DW and I have been married almost 14 years and recently she has been hanging out and chatting with her girlfriends a lot more than usual and also has 2 male friends that she speaks with (but doesn't hang out with alone) and I am a bit insecure by it, even though I know there is nothing bad going on. One of the guys is a mutual friend and is 19 years old and speaks to my wife as a mother figure because he doesn't have much of a relationship with his own mom. This guy also speaks and meets for lunch with, another female friend of our family, so there is zero romantic connection there. The guy gets advice from my wife about his girlfriend, who he is infatuated with. That being said, I just find it odd that he has established this friendship with my wife.

 

The second guy is a bit different. His family and my wife's family grew up together and they were like brother and sister growing up. They lost touch for 20+ years and reconnected on FB recently. He is happily married and lives upstate and my wife and he have yet to meet up again, but they do speak a lot on the phone. Again, I do not think anything inappropriate is going on, but my wife doesn't really discuss their conversations unless I ask if she spoke with him that day. In the past I did mention that I didn't feel the need to be FB friends with him, so I guess she is just trying to prevent me from being uncomfortable and just has her friendship with him without including me. I thought this was what I wanted, but looking back, I think I want to know this person who my wife has become friends with again after so many years.

 

My question is, should i have anything to worry about and how can I approach my wife and say I'd like to know this guy as well to put myself at ease?

[xenawarriorprincess]

My primary question is, in the past 14 years have you and your wife had casual opposite sex friendships, not including work-only-related acquaintances? If so, why is this bothering you? If not, why is she making a point to begin opposite sex friendships now? Is there a history of infidelity that is causing your alarm bells to go off? How frequently do your wife and her childhood friend speak on the phone? Once a month to catch up, or daily?

[roughpatch]

The mother-son friendship started about a month ago when the guy started dating this girl and he wants woman;y advice on how to act to keep her as his girlfriend. It's his first real girlfriend.

 

The other guy reconnected with my wife after 20+ years since they were such close friends growing up. It's literally like a brother-sister relationship and they speak for a little bit every day, but for whatever reason, I am uncomfortable with it. I have mentioned it to my wife and she constantly assures me that I have zero to worry about, but the worry is still there because I am insecure. I do not believe my wife would ever cheat or leave me for this guy (or another), but it is just odd to me since I would not feel comfortable having female friends out of respect for my wife, but that's just me.

 

I tend to harp on it all the time and it just annoys her that I cannot trust what she tells me. I just wish I'd be able to eventually meet this guy to feel more at ease. My wife and he have still not seen each other in 20+ years, but I'd like to at least get to know the guy for my sanity.

[anika99]

I wouldn't worry too much about the 19yr old so much as I would worry about the second guy. If you read the affair stories around here you will find that a bunch of them started by reconnecting with someone from the childhood or teenage years.

 

For some reason people get romantic ideas about these kind of reconnections. It starts off innocent enough. First they are happy to relive memories from long ago, sometimes it gives them a feeling of being young again. It reminds them of a time that they were single, carefree and full of hope and anticipation of what was ahead. A time before being tied down by marriage and kids and jobs and whatever other responsibilities. In recapturing some of those happy feelings by reliving memories people will start to associate those good feelings with the person who has reconnected with them. A perfect recipe for romance. Soon the relationship moves on from talking about the past to talking about the present. They start confiding in one another, talking about their feelings, their dreams, venting about their marriages. They start looking to each other for emotional support instead of talking to their spouses. Now they are well on their way to falling into affair territory.

 

I'm not saying your wife is doing this with her old childhood friend but it's a slippery slope. I think you are right to be concerned. Prior to this friendship what has been the policy in your marriage regarding opposite sex friends?

[roughpatch]

I wouldn't worry too much about the 19yr old so much as I would worry about the second guy. If you read the affair stories around here you will find that a bunch of them started by reconnecting with someone from the childhood or teenage years.

 

For some reason people get romantic ideas about these kind of reconnections. It starts off innocent enough. First they are happy to relive memories from long ago, sometimes it gives them a feeling of being young again. It reminds them of a time that they were single, carefree and full of hope and anticipation of what was ahead. A time before being tied down by marriage and kids and jobs and whatever other responsibilities. In recapturing some of those happy feelings by reliving memories people will start to associate those good feelings with the person who has reconnected with them. A perfect recipe for romance. Soon the relationship moves on from talking about the past to talking about the present. They start confiding in one another, talking about their feelings, their dreams, venting about their marriages. They start looking to each other for emotional support instead of talking to their spouses. Now they are well on their way to falling into affair territory.

 

I'm not saying your wife is doing this with her old childhood friend but it's a slippery slope. I think you are right to be concerned. Prior to this friendship what has been the policy in your marriage regarding opposite sex friends?

We never had a policy because we never had this situation. My wife and I have a very loving marriage and this guy is seriously like a brother to her and I know there is no and never will be a physical attraction on my wife's part. The guy is also happily married and lives 3 hours away and they have yet to see each other in person and may not for a long time. My wife was beaten by her mother for years growing up and this guy was there to help her through those childhood traumas. My wife and I talk about everything together and she has told me I have zero to worry about and that he is someone that was a part of her life when she was a kid and she is happy that they reconnected because it gives her a little piece of her childhood back to her. She does not speak with anyone else from her past. I think telling her that I do not like it will just cause problems and possibly push me away. I don;t want that. I trust her 100%, but if this guy is so important to her, I'd like to know him as well. I wonder how she'd feel if the roles were reversed.

[GoldenR]

I'd worry about both. Every male 19 year old's fantasy is to bag a MILF. And the normal way they do it is to act sensitive with these older females. And how do they do that? They confide in them about their relationships with their gfs. And it works.

 

And the other guy....you need to stop that one immediately. Reconnecting with a childhood friend of the opposite sex many years later is an A waiting to happen.

[JHandy]

Everything you wrote screamed all is ok.

 

It's your insecurities. It's good you admitted it.

 

Enjoy your wife. She's vibrant. These are her friends. Tell her you would like to meet them and go out with her with them. Be part of her life including being friends with her friends.

 

Go with your gut. In every instance you said over and over each thing was ok.

[roughpatch]

Everything you wrote screamed all is ok.

 

It's your insecurities. It's good you admitted it.

 

Enjoy your wife. She's vibrant. These are her friends. Tell her you would like to meet them and go out with her with them. Be part of her life including being friends with her friends.

 

Go with your gut. In every instance you said over and over each thing was ok.

Thank you. The younger guy we all hang out together and she would never hang out with just him out of respect for me. I haven't met the other guy, but have commented on things on facebook and my wife even asked me to friend him, but I declined, stupidly. I am not sure how I can go back to my wife now and ask if I can friend him. May seem suspicious.

[JHandy]

Thank you. The younger guy we all hang out together and she would never hang out with just him out of respect for me. I haven't met the other guy, but have commented on things on facebook and my wife even asked me to friend him, but I declined, stupidly. I am not sure how I can go back to my wife now and ask if I can friend him. May seem suspicious.

 

Meet up with him with your wife and see where things go. You could easily friend him after then. No worries.

 

Life's way to short. Enjoy it!

[elaine567]

And the other guy....you need to stop that one immediately. Reconnecting with a childhood friend of the opposite sex many years later is an A waiting to happen.

 

Yes it is a well worn path, guy(usually) a bit bored in his marriage seeks an OW, and it can be difficult to find a woman willing to do that, so he goes on social media and says "Hi" to just about any woman from his past that may still have lingering feelings for him. Childhood friends, HS sweethearts, ex gfs, ex wives, ex co-workers, ex lovers, ONSs even, anyone at all.

He ramps up the nostalgia for happier and freer times, along with "I have never forgotten you, you are the one that got away, my soulmate... etc. etc.

Women tend to love this stuff and before she knows it, they arrange to meet...

[SevenCity]

When it comes to women cheating, my friends and I have had a saying since we were young:

 

"It's not what she does, it's what she does differently"

 

The change in pattern would give me reason to keep an eye open. If she had male friends all along then no big deal. But if all of a sudden she is befriending guys after never having done it for 14 years then I would see a problem.

 

It sounds like some of her needs are not being met and she is seeking them externally.

 

Keep an eye open....

[anika99]

We never had a policy because we never had this situation. My wife and I have a very loving marriage and this guy is seriously like a brother to her and I know there is no and never will be a physical attraction on my wife's part. The guy is also happily married and lives 3 hours away and they have yet to see each other in person and may not for a long time. My wife was beaten by her mother for years growing up and this guy was there to help her through those childhood traumas. My wife and I talk about everything together and she has told me I have zero to worry about and that he is someone that was a part of her life when she was a kid and she is happy that they reconnected because it gives her a little piece of her childhood back to her. She does not speak with anyone else from her past. I think telling her that I do not like it will just cause problems and possibly push me away. I don;t want that. I trust her 100%, but if this guy is so important to her, I'd like to know him as well. I wonder how she'd feel if the roles were reversed.

 

Well then what is the problem? It's always interesting to me when somebody posts about some problem,worry or angst they are having only to then come back to say there is no problem or worry and everything is just peachy. If you know for a fact that your wife could never be attracted to the guy, and he is happily married and you are secure in the health of your marriage then what is your concern exactly?

 

What do you mean when you say you wonder how she would feel if the tables were reversed? You just said you are certain that she would never cheat with this guy and you are totally secure in your marriage so I guess she would also feel secure and trusting if the roles were reversed.

 

Not sure why you can't just tell your wife that you would like to know this guy too? You and she talk about everything so why can't you talk about this?

[xenawarriorprincess]

It’s wonderful that you are able to trust your wife and from what you have described, it appears that you two have a lovely and trustworthy foundation!

 

I would just say…..for me personally….my priority is always my husband first. If I knew that my husband was uncomfortable with my relationship with someone, I would begin to phase out that relationship out of respect for my husband’s feelings.

 

I realize that your wife and this gentlemen were close childhood friends, but let’s be honest here….how close can you really be if 20 years went by without a single word?

[SevenCity]

It’s wonderful that you are able to trust your wife and from what you have described, it appears that you two have a lovely and trustworthy foundation!

 

I would just say…..for me personally….my priority is always my husband first. If I knew that my husband was uncomfortable with my relationship with someone, I would begin to phase out that relationship out of respect for my husband’s feelings.

 

I realize that your wife and this gentlemen were close childhood friends, but let’s be honest here….how close can you really be if 20 years went by without a single word?

 

^^That is the sign of a good woman. It's hard to recognize because they are rare.

[JHandy]

One thing about this site is there are posts that suggest the absolute worse in people - these posts pile up every wrong-doing everyone has ever done and in this case puts it all in your wife.

 

Though it's wise to always be cautious and I think that's why you are here, to start your work in maintaining your marriage from a stand point of suspicion from assumptions you or others make will certainly drive your marriage into a brick wall.

 

You need to start from the vantage point of trust. Period. That's your part of honoring your vows. Can you be hurt? Yes. But acting in a way to prevent yourself from getting hurt will certainly end in disaster.

 

If you act from a place of jealousy and distrust, she will pick it up immediately and she will come on this site and post that her husband has become suspicious of her suddenly. Thereby getting the list of assumptions made against you, such as you are projecting your own infidelity.

 

You start from what you know. Don't assume anything and trust your wife. Don't let the suggestions being floated around here be converted to facts in your mind.

 

Talk to you wife as you do with everything. Meet her friends. Get more involved. Love her as you promised to. If these assumptions are true, they won't be in mere moments.

 

Remember why you married her and put those in the forefront of your mind.

 

Let her prove to you where she is. The odds are definitely in your favor.

[roughpatch]

You do not know how much I needed this post. I started to regret posting the question to the forum with some of the answers i was getting. Thank you.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Women love male friends. It's the one we do not mention to you, the person you never heard of, that you should worry about.

 

Just send the guy a friend request. You will have your answer.

[usa1ah]

Quote

 

My question is, should i have anything to worry about and how can I approach my wife and say I'd like to know this guy as well to put myself at ease?

 

Yes you should be. Many affairs start with reconnecting with someone from the past the you cared for on a social media site.

 

EA's are the start then sometimes turn into a PA.

 

Suggest the two of you read Not Just Friends.

[lolablue17]

Yes, you should be worried about both. I'm not saying that it means your wife will cheat tomorrow. She may not cheat ever. But cheating is very common and it is also very common for it to begins an inoccent friendly bonding. She get's addicted to it... it becomes one of her daily needs... they get very close.... ect...

 

I think that you should just keep your eyes always open. You can tell her that you're happy that she assures you that "don't worry, nothing will happen", but since ALL affairs starts with this sentence, she must realize that you cannot count on that. This could maintain peace between you two- She should accept the fact that you keep an eye about everything. It's legitimate for a married woman to have male friends (within boundaries), but it also legitimate for her husband to watch things closely.

[Poutrew]

The mother-son friendship started about a month ago when the guy started dating this girl and he wants woman;y advice on how to act to keep her as his girlfriend. It's his first real girlfriend.

 

The other guy reconnected with my wife after 20+ years since they were such close friends growing up. It's literally like a brother-sister relationship and they speak for a little bit every day, but for whatever reason, I am uncomfortable with it. I have mentioned it to my wife and she constantly assures me that I have zero to worry about, but the worry is still there because I am insecure. I do not believe my wife would ever cheat or leave me for this guy (or another), but it is just odd to me since I would not feel comfortable having female friends out of respect for my wife, but that's just me.

 

I tend to harp on it all the time and it just annoys her that I cannot trust what she tells me. I just wish I'd be able to eventually meet this guy to feel more at ease. My wife and he have still not seen each other in 20+ years, but I'd like to at least get to know the guy for my sanity.

 

 

This is the reason why you need to stop talking about it.... the annoyances will eventually lead to fights. Also, you come off needy and insecure, which women do not like to see in their lovers. My question is did this behavior start recently in your relationship? If so, can you identify any triggers that could have possibly brought it on? Sometimes, talking (which is what you've been doing ) is no good. You wind up having to fight fire with fire, by which I mean you might have to wander away from your comfort zone by starting to talk to women in your past via the same way your wife started doing. But, like her, don't be secretive about it: "Wow honey, I never truly appreciated the power of facebook to reconnect you with people from your past. I just friended Mary, the women who left me back in college for a life in the nunnery. I feel so sorry for her - she's had a crises of faith and I like to think I'm helping her get a perspective on her life." React the same way your wife is reacting to you - be up front and assure her that there are no carnal desires resurfacing, and if she gets bent out of shape, you can also be hurt that she doesn't trust you...

 

Maybe she will get the idea that it is perhaps not wise to take this Facebook thing to extremes... but the thing is, she has to get to that conclusion on her own. Also, don't be so dismissive of the young dude. I can remember how badly I wanted to bang some of those older ladies I knew when I was a younger man. I knew I was harder, bigger and better than their husbands, if only I could get them to notice me... You never know - perhaps the young guy might hesitantly ask your wife for 'tips' on what it takes to make a woman feel good, and your wife could innocently take the bait, and wind up playing doctor with the kid... all to make him a better lover to his young girlfriend. Heck, if the setting is clinical enough, she probably wouldn't even consider it cheating.... Remember, he is asking her about things to be a better boyfriend, so they are talking 100% about sex as well as other things. So, yeah, I do think you have the beginnings of a problem here, unless you can find a way to nip it in the bud, and make her think it was her decision to do so.

Edited August 5, 2017 by Poutrew

[Whoknew30]

I think you're being extremely insecure, which a complete turn off for a spouse...especially in the case she's not doing anything wrong. Your insecurities are your problem & you're making them, her problem.

 

Do you want to know every single one of her conversations with her women friends? Do you really want to hear stories that happened 20+ years ago that you have no idea what they're talking about? People are allowed to have past friends & then reconnect. She's not hiding anything from you, you're over thinking it.

 

The majority of people live life thinking that bc they're insecure their SO should bend over backwards to take it away but the reality is, if you have a good spouse that has not giving a reason not to be trusted, then they shouldn't have to walk on egg shells or do anything differently bc then that would be enabling the issue vs actually trying to fix it. Why are you insecure of a 19 year old kid that's looking at your wife as a mother figure? Why is a kid threating your martial security? I thinkmtge issue is with in you, not your wife or anyone else.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I think you're being extremely insecure, which a complete turn off for a spouse I am not sure this is a true statement for everyone....i am not sure all spouses are turned off by this...some perhaps but certainly not all.

 

I have also come to learn in my 45 years of being married...that partners want to feel safe in a relationship. If I don't like my husband hanging out with female friends...whether i am right or I am wrong...he should try to accomadate my feelings. That's called compromise...that's called being unselfish...that's called being considerate....that's called being a safe partner.

 

While it might be MY issue...he is MY husband....and HE should be willing to help me feel safe.

 

I have ALWAYS been extremely insecure and very jealous. Yes...it's MY issue...but he knew i was this way when he married me and if HE had an issue with MY issue...he should not have chosen me to be his wife.

 

So...we dont have friends of the opposite sex...neither one of us. Co workers do not have to be friends. I work with mostly men...I would not call any of them a friend. I don't socialize in any way with any of them.

 

Just my opinion...it may not be right for you...it works for us...and we have been married a long time.

[QuietDan]

Stay vigilant. Your wife is potentially on a slippery slope. A lot of her behavior, activity, and attitude is consistent with someone involved with, at the least, the beginning of an emotional affair. Another factor here is the length of time of your relationship. You two are close to one of those 7 year interval troubled times / infidelity risk zones. 7, 14, 21, and to a lesser extent 28 seems to be regularly mentioned. So, beware and be vigilant.

[Whoknew30]

I think you're being extremely insecure, which a complete turn off for a spouse I am not sure this is a true statement for everyone....i am not sure all spouses are turned off by this...some perhaps but certainly not all.

 

I have also come to learn in my 45 years of being married...that partners want to feel safe in a relationship. If I don't like my husband hanging out with female friends...whether i am right or I am wrong...he should try to accomadate my feelings. That's called compromise...that's called being unselfish...that's called being considerate....that's called being a safe partner.

 

While it might be MY issue...he is MY husband....and HE should be willing to help me feel safe.

 

I have ALWAYS been extremely insecure and very jealous. Yes...it's MY issue...but he knew i was this way when he married me and if HE had an issue with MY issue...he should not have chosen me to be his wife.

 

So...we dont have friends of the opposite sex...neither one of us. Co workers do not have to be friends. I work with mostly men...I would not call any of them a friend. I don't socialize in any way with any of them.

 

Just my opinion...it may not be right for you...it works for us...and we have been married a long time.

 

Being insecure & jealous is my healthy & of a couple has not dealt with infidelity, than it's extremely not healthy. One's insecurities should not run a relationship, if a SO has a insecurity issues within, then why not out the effort into fix that issue vs expecting your spouse to enable unhealthy behavior.

 

A "safe" partner shouldn be oking insecurity bc that's not a safe partner, that's complete codependency & especially of there has been no infidelity, it's actually extremely controlling. Condepency can work if both people are codependent but not if it's only one.

 

Also OP never stated if there's been infidelity, so one really shouldn't be comparing rules made by infidelity in their marriage to another marriage that has no infidelity.

 

Also its extremely selfish to expect a SO to run & change everything bc another is feeling insecure...adults should learn how to be adults, not like kids that throw a fit. Bad behavior should never be catered to & behavior from insecurity is bad behavior. IMO

[usa1ah]

Having friends of the opposite sex is one thing.

 

Talking to them a few times a month, no problem.

 

Talking to them daily is a problem or one waiting to happen