Weird attraction to my relative

[Lorenza]

I don't know if it was what all the posters said, but today I woke up really put off by the thought, all of sudden. I've been successfully taking my mind off this lust by dating (even thought my last date turned out to be a cuckold), so maybe I should continue distracting myself..

[smackie9]

I don't know if it was what all the posters said, but today I woke up really put off by the thought, all of sudden. I've been successfully taking my mind off this lust by dating (even thought my last date turned out to be a cuckold), so maybe I should continue distracting myself..

Stepping back and weening yourself off chatting with this fellow just might be the best way to get your head straight. You will be fine.

[CryForNoOne]

Works for Jaime and Cersei so why not...

[Lorenza]

Works for Jaime and Cersei so why not...

 

Jaime and Cersei are siblings and fictional characters, your argument is invalid.

[Robratory]

We do live in the same country (complicated story), but I just can't decide if I'd rather have a little adventure with him or keep him as a friend/relative. I'm not the one to just have sex for fun. But this time I'm obsessed with the thought of it with him

 

You know, this might just be the perfect opportunity to experience what it feels to transgress some of the most sacred and unquestioned social mores in a relatively safe space.

 

This is like the married couple (but not to each other) who find themselves in just the right circumstances for a one-time, never-again, swear-to-secrecy roll in the hay. Or like the straight man who gets drunk and spends the night with his male friend, and now they know what it feels like, and they don't mention it again.

 

In your case, you're not into casual sex, but you find the guy attractive, and you can't deny that the idea that he's a relative, however distant, has a sinful wickedness to it that arouses you even more. And now you have the opportunity to bathe in that wickedness. Should you?

 

We all have shameful dark desires, and there's nothing wrong in indulging them as long as others are not hurt and we remain safe. You mentioned he was from a different country. Are you culturally compatible to do something like this? He might be fine with having sex with a distant cousin, but he might then expect that distant cousin to become his wife, something you have apparently taken off the table.

 

Can you both communicate and get on the same page? If you can, I'd say go for it. It's exciting to be naughty.

[Robratory]

Well, it's not like we're real cousins. He's third cousins with my mom.

 

Third cousins? That's a long distance. No country in Europe or the Americas prohibits marriage even between first cousins, except the US. Even in the US, there's no prohibition against marriages between second-cousins or beyond.

[Lorenza]

You know, this might just be the perfect opportunity to experience what it feels to transgress some of the most sacred and unquestioned social mores in a relatively safe space.

 

This is like the married couple (but not to each other) who find themselves in just the right circumstances for a one-time, never-again, swear-to-secrecy roll in the hay. Or like the straight man who gets drunk and spends the night with his male friend, and now they know what it feels like, and they don't mention it again.

 

In your case, you're not into casual sex, but you find the guy attractive, and you can't deny that the idea that he's a relative, however distant, has a sinful wickedness to it that arouses you even more. And now you have the opportunity to bathe in that wickedness. Should you?

 

We all have shameful dark desires, and there's nothing wrong in indulging them as long as others are not hurt and we remain safe. You mentioned he was from a different country. Are you culturally compatible to do something like this? He might be fine with having sex with a distant cousin, but he might then expect that distant cousin to become his wife, something you have apparently taken off the table.

 

Can you both communicate and get on the same page? If you can, I'd say go for it. It's exciting to be naughty.

 

We talked about it. He was the one who initially came up with the idea that we could hook up just for pleasure, but now he's reluctant to ruin things between us. Which I wouldn't want either (I'm pretty sure sex would be the end of our contact).

 

Besides it was his old grandma (whom I met in spring) who brought us together and hoped we can be friends so it would feel f***ed up to end it like that...

 

I think I'd rather have a relative whom I can talk to and hang out sometimes, rather than a hook up

[Gaeta]

He is not a good man for you, not even for a hook-up, because he's just another bird with a broken wing that you want to nurture. Remember, you said you would stay away from those right? You can get ANYONE you want Lorenza, you are young, attractive, smart, funny, the sky is the limit! Go toward men that are dynamic, positive, driven, not the broken ones.

 

As for being related to him, I would not consider him a relative. At all.

[Lorenza]

He is not a good man for you, not even for a hook-up, because he's just another bird with a broken wing that you want to nurture. Remember, you said you would stay away from those right? You can get ANYONE you want Lorenza, you are young, attractive, smart, funny, the sky is the limit! Go toward men that are dynamic, positive, driven, not the broken ones.

 

As for being related to him, I would not consider him a relative. At all.

 

You're spot on, as always! I haven't thought or forgotten all about my inner mother Teresa, thanks for reminding me. Probably that is the culprit here.

 

Although before finding out about his disorders, I did like the thought of keeping in touch - more out of courtesy to our families and the friendship that lasts for a few generations, not the distance insignificant relation between the two of us

[Lorenza]

Guys, help me out :/

 

I'm supposed to go to visit this relative in his city in two days (by train, we're in the same country) and I don't know if I should.

 

The thought of something happening between us has completely fled my mind and I noticed I stopped thinking about it altogether, even if we do keep in touch.

 

On one side it might be good to go somewhere and do something fun, since we truly had a nice time together when he visited me earlier this summer. We'd go to his parents who were inviting me warmly.

 

On the other side I don't feel like it's appropriate or that I have any business going to some guy's place, staying in his apartment, spending 4 days with him (have return ticket as well). We did have nice connection in real life but chatting is annoying sometimes. And I know he's all into finding a woman right now and of course we're not interested in each other that way.

 

I'm not even sure if our contact counts as friendship, since we had all those sexual chats before.

 

I feel awkward, but at the same time a voice keeps telling me "go, it might be fun, you need to get out of your shell". This situation is giving me anxiety...

[Lorenza]

I feel he contacts me out of boredom and this contact will we gone as soon as he gets a gf. And I feel that deep inside, hidden beneath my strength, there is a wish for validation from a person who isn't really interested. I know it's there even if I deny it. I'm hang up on it without even being conscious about it and need to get away from it.

 

I'm canceling...

[Lorenza]

Wonder what I'm doing wrong on this forum, to not be able to receive advice like everybody else..

[shellybing]

I've been talking to a male relative for about 3-4 months now. Found out about his existence when his family visited mine and I met them for the first time (our families live in different countries, they have kept contact for a few generations now). They must have told him about me, cause he contacted me shortly after.

 

It kinda felt natural for us to keep in touch since we're both of the same age and share some similarities in upbringing and personal views. But somewhere on the way it got a bit twisted, guess because we both are single, attractive and spent a lot of time chatting/talking on phone.

 

He stayed at my place for a few days and nothing happened, besides hugging etc. I even bought a ticket to visit him and his family (though I would be staying in his apartment). Everything would be OK but ever since he visited our chats became very... intimate. We even sexted a couple of times (nothing extreme, no pictures shared). Also both felt guilty afterwards, cause we were aiming for a cousins relationship, not that. But the sexual tension remains palpable in every chat now...

 

I feel extremely attracted to him, even though I wouldn't want anything serious with this person. He has a psychological disorder and would be awful to be with. He annoys and fascinates me at the same time. Besides we're remotely related (my great grandma and his grandpa were first cousins). But I'm obsessed with thoughts about him and the date of the trip is getting closer (in 10 days). I'm afraid something sexual will happen between us which I will regret gravely.

 

P.s. he's not interested in me either and says he's afraid to hurt me, since I'm not just a random woman. We try to chat decently but it always trails off. Though he didn't try anything indecent when we met (my dad lives in the same house), but he said that it might be different when we're alone. And im not sure I'd say no.

 

Do you think I shouldn't go? Is it too dangerous? Should I severe the contact? I've tried but didn't succeed for more than 2 days!

 

Once again I'm madly attracted to a crazy dysfunctional guy who's completely unsuitable for me.

 

He is your relative.

 

If you forge a relationship with him, and get sexual, it is incest. Period.

[shellybing]

Wonder what I'm doing wrong on this forum, to not be able to receive advice like everybody else..

 

The reason you are not getting any responses is because nobody wants to say what you want to do is incest.

 

I am always the person who makes clear what nobody wants to say.

 

That is why.

 

INCEST.

[shellybing]

I would like to bring attention to the fact that getting it on with your cousin can cause a number of genetic mutations in children, including but not limited to:

 

Terminal Rare Diseases

Extra Limbs, fingers, and toes

Blood disorders

developmental delays

 

Maybe some countries regulate this up to the first and second cousin, but I would highly recomend staying aways from a relative sexually, given the chance of pregnancy and what it could cause.

 

Yes, we all have that hot cousin. Guess what? Dont do it.

[Lorenza]

The reason you are not getting any responses is because nobody wants to say what you want to do is incest.

 

I am always the person who makes clear what nobody wants to say.

 

That is why.

 

INCEST.

 

But I have already explained we're far enough in family tree. Our relation is questionable, since there are so many generations apart (his great grandma and my great great grandma were siblings, that's like a 100 years ago, what incest is that, lol). Besides I was asking if I should go hang out as friends if I'm a bit confused about what I'm feeling.

[No_Go]

But I have already explained we're far enough in family tree. Our relation is questionable, since there are so many generations apart (his great grandma and my great great grandma were siblings, that's like a 100 years ago, what incest is that, lol). Besides I was asking if I should go hang out as friends if I'm a bit confused about what I'm feeling.

 

My advice is absolutely NOT try to go be 'friends'. You already burned this bridge with the sexual chats.

 

L, I think it is quite clear from your writing that you're not a person who will just go and 'have fun'. You want more and I don't blame you. That's your personality and you don't need to play being a completely different person because forums or IRL friends tell you that is 'how it should be'. [i listened to that advice for many years and it nearly broke me - now I accept it - I'm not breezy and light hearted, never been, will never be].

 

Just move on from this one - and I know it is super hard but if you stay 4 days with him - you're begging for MONTHS of drama afterwards, if not more.

[Lorenza]

My advice is absolutely NOT try to go be 'friends'. You already burned this bridge with the sexual chats.

 

L, I think it is quite clear from your writing that you're not a person who will just go and 'have fun'. You want more and I don't blame you. That's your personality and you don't need to play being a completely different person because forums or IRL friends tell you that is 'how it should be'. [i listened to that advice for many years and it nearly broke me - now I accept it - I'm not breezy and light hearted, never been, will never be].

 

Just move on from this one - and I know it is super hard but if you stay 4 days with him - you're begging for MONTHS of drama afterwards, if not more.

 

Yes, those sexual chats have ruined it for me. Besides, in the beginning of our contact he acted like he's pursuing me as a romantic interest - we talked on phone for HOURS, until the morning light and I enjoyed those immensely. Then he dropped it at some point and made it clear I'm not a romantic interest (which I didn't want anyway, but still got somewhat confused and couldn't act neutrally anymore).

 

You're right, I can't just sleep with someone for fun, but I thought at first, that I might just go there and have a good time as friends since that how it was when he visited (there was nothing between us).

 

However now I understand it's not a good idea.. I wrote to him I'm not coming and he answered that it's a pity, his parents wanted to meet me etc, but to be honest I doubt it matters much to him and it's only me having all this anxiety about the situation.

[No_Go]

He came visiting you and it was fine because he has a completely different attachment style, most likely.

 

The mixed messages from him now I think are expected - he's probably playing with the thought 'what would have happened' although on a rational level he has made the decision.

 

Do you have other romantic interests to distract? In my case nothing else has helped...

 

Yes, those sexual chats have ruined it for me. Besides, in the beginning of our contact he acted like he's pursuing me as a romantic interest - we talked on phone for HOURS, until the morning light and I enjoyed those immensely. Then he dropped it at some point and made it clear I'm not a romantic interest (which I didn't want anyway, but still got somewhat confused and couldn't act neutrally anymore).

 

You're right, I can't just sleep with someone for fun, but I thought at first, that I might just go there and have a good time as friends since that how it was when he visited (there was nothing between us).

 

However now I understand it's not a good idea.. I wrote to him I'm not coming and he answered that it's a pity, his parents wanted to meet me etc, but to be honest I doubt it matters much to him and it's only me having all this anxiety about the situation.

[Lorenza]

He came visiting you and it was fine because he has a completely different attachment style, most likely.

 

The mixed messages from him now I think are expected - he's probably playing with the thought 'what would have happened' although on a rational level he has made the decision.

 

Do you have other romantic interests to distract? In my case nothing else has helped...

 

Nah, no other romantic interests at the moment... But uni starts next week and so does my work (had a long vacation) so I'm sure it will provide a distraction.

 

I'm not that disheartened actually, glad I realized I'm seeking validation from someone dysfunctional AGAIN. He wasn't even that nice to me lately, always joking in very mean ways, but that always seems to push me to try and prove myself even more.

 

Can at least give myself a pat on the shoulder for doing what's best for me and not going.

 

Maybe there's still hope for me to become a fully functional woman.

[Miss Spider]

Lorenza, of course there is. You are a beautiful, intelligent woman with a good head on your shoulders. Just going through a period where you think you need this, but I'm sure you will meet someone who tickles your fancy soon. Glad you canceled. It was the best decision.

[Lorenza]

Lorenza, of course there is. You are a beautiful, intelligent woman with a good head on your shoulders. Just going through a period where you think you need this, but I'm sure you will meet someone who tickles your fancy soon. Glad you canceled. It was the best decision.

 

Thanks Cookies!

I just hope this really is just a period and not my constant state of mind....

[No_Go]

Maybe there's still hope for me to become a fully functional woman.

 

Of course you ARE a fully functional woman! You just have quirky tastes for men! I know that this is not the opinion that the majority will support but from experience, I was miserable when I decided to play the 'normal' one. I managed to coast into long-term lifeless relationship for 2 years because I though that is how it should be!

 

Just be yourself but your sensible self! This one was a no go but I'm sure the quirky good guy for you is somewhere out there:)

[shellybing]

You posted this in another thread. . .

 

So, not only did he get you something you're not particularly interested in, but you'll also have to spend money to be able to use the gift and now you need to support him for a month because he didn't think this through?

 

I'm sorry, but your boyfriend is financially irresponsible and not even thoughtful. A gift should enrich your life in some way, not make it more problematic. It's almost like he unintentionally gave you a trojan horse, lol

 

now, where is this girl when it comes to choosing a guy for herself. You know, I understand the biology and the politics of a relationship like this, but please don't hook up with this guy.

 

I am not trying to be rude. I am trying to save you some shame and a mistake.

 

I used to live next to a guy - I grew up with him. sort of.

 

My mom used to hang out with his mom. He was an adult when I was a child maybe 10/12. I would play with the kids my own age there, and then he would be there sometimes with his mom and the adult happenings. It was usually a football party or volleyball party.

 

Later, I moved into the house next door to his mom's place. I eventually realized that he and his wife had taken on that house, and his mom had moved to another town. He and his wife were 2nd cousins, which is legal.

 

They got alot of crap from people for it. He was a nice guy and even came to help once because the heat had stopped working in the middle of winter. My husband at the time had asked him to go look at it.

 

Then one day, many moons later, he hit me up on facebook. I had moved out of state and then he had commented on how cute I was as a child but then how I grew up into being hot. Then he asked me out and it was just a major creep factor. I am glad i never even went there.

 

these two had their heads held in shame all the time because someone would bring up the jokes. it was aweful.

They eventually divorced too.

 

 

You seem like a very rational, mature, and good person in the other thread? Where is that when it comes to this relationship?

[Lorenza]

You posted this in another thread. . .

 

 

 

now, where is this girl when it comes to choosing a guy for herself. You know, I understand the biology and the politics of a relationship like this, but please don't hook up with this guy.

 

I am not trying to be rude. I am trying to save you some shame and a mistake.

 

I used to live next to a guy - I grew up with him. sort of.

 

My mom used to hang out with his mom. He was an adult when I was a child maybe 10/12. I would play with the kids my own age there, and then he would be there sometimes with his mom and the adult happenings. It was usually a football party or volleyball party.

 

Later, I moved into the house next door to his mom's place. I eventually realized that he and his wife had taken on that house, and his mom had moved to another town. He and his wife were 2nd cousins, which is legal.

 

They got alot of crap from people for it. He was a nice guy and even came to help once because the heat had stopped working in the middle of winter. My husband at the time had asked him to go look at it.

 

Then one day, many moons later, he hit me up on facebook. I had moved out of state and then he had commented on how cute I was as a child but then how I grew up into being hot. Then he asked me out and it was just a major creep factor. I am glad i never even went there.

 

these two had their heads held in shame all the time because someone would bring up the jokes. it was aweful.

They eventually divorced too.

 

 

You seem like a very rational, mature, and good person in the other thread? Where is that when it comes to this relationship?

 

Shelly, with all due respect, but according to the forum guidelines, what I wrote in other threads shouldn't be used against me in my own thread. Please comment on the current situation and don't quote what I wrote to others.

Besides I already wrote I have cancelled the trip and I'm moving on from this guy.

 

I know I asked for comments, but would be good that they were relevant.