Lorenza Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 I've been talking to a male relative for about 3-4 months now. Found out about his existence when his family visited mine and I met them for the first time (our families live in different countries, they have kept contact for a few generations now). They must have told him about me, cause he contacted me shortly after. It kinda felt natural for us to keep in touch since we're both of the same age and share some similarities in upbringing and personal views. But somewhere on the way it got a bit twisted, guess because we both are single, attractive and spent a lot of time chatting/talking on phone. He stayed at my place for a few days and nothing happened, besides hugging etc. I even bought a ticket to visit him and his family (though I would be staying in his apartment). Everything would be OK but ever since he visited our chats became very... intimate. We even sexted a couple of times (nothing extreme, no pictures shared). Also both felt guilty afterwards, cause we were aiming for a cousins relationship, not that. But the sexual tension remains palpable in every chat now... I feel extremely attracted to him, even though I wouldn't want anything serious with this person. He has a psychological disorder and would be awful to be with. He annoys and fascinates me at the same time. Besides we're remotely related (my great grandma and his grandpa were first cousins). But I'm obsessed with thoughts about him and the date of the trip is getting closer (in 10 days). I'm afraid something sexual will happen between us which I will regret gravely. P.s. he's not interested in me either and says he's afraid to hurt me, since I'm not just a random woman. We try to chat decently but it always trails off. Though he didn't try anything indecent when we met (my dad lives in the same house), but he said that it might be different when we're alone. And im not sure I'd say no. Do you think I shouldn't go? Is it too dangerous? Should I severe the contact? I've tried but didn't succeed for more than 2 days! Once again I'm madly attracted to a crazy dysfunctional guy who's completely unsuitable for me.
No_Go Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 Ahhh you are just into quirky guys seems like But a relative... Not a good idea. I understand that you're just distantly related but still. Plus both of you acknowledge a real relationship would not be possible. If you're just looking for fun I'd say go for it. But my gut feeling is that you'll get attached and hurt, and it will become a twisted story when/if you become intimate. Plus it will be hard to detach since you share relatives! Just... don't go alone with him if you are not capable of taking another drama (this is ripe for drama situation...) 2
Author Lorenza Posted August 4, 2017 Author Posted August 4, 2017 Ahhh you are just into quirky guys seems like But a relative... Not a good idea. I understand that you're just distantly related but still. Plus both of you acknowledge a real relationship would not be possible. If you're just looking for fun I'd say go for it. But my gut feeling is that you'll get attached and hurt, and it will become a twisted story when/if you become intimate. Plus it will be hard to detach since you share relatives! Just... don't go alone with him if you are not capable of taking another drama (this is ripe for drama situation...) That's the thing, I'm not sure I can just have some detached fun, even if it sounds desirable right now. I've history of getting attached real fast, though I know by 100% that I'd never want to be with this person. My brain might get confused anyway, I don't know. I'd be alone with him in the evenings. Even in the same room, just separate beds
No_Go Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 From your threads here - just don't do it. I had a guy like this (I was 100% sure he won't be a bf material because of age difference, education gap and legal issues of his end - it was just a no brainer). I thought 'it will be fun for the summer' (I was in a different country for a project)... and it ended up being an extremely messy disfunctional situation that lasted waaaaay past the summer... long distance included, physically abusive, and nearly 2 full years... where in the end I was desperate to detach. The beginning was fun, sure, but thinking back- was it worth it? I'm just giving you this example because I think you present similar patterns to mine (try to 'save' disfunctional guys etc). Sleeping in the same room... You KNOW it won't end platonic and cousin-ly... That's the thing, I'm not sure I can just have some detached fun, even if it sounds desirable right now. I've history of getting attached real fast, though I know by 100% that I'd never want to be with this person. My brain might get confused anyway, I don't know. I'd be alone with him in the evenings. Even in the same room, just separate beds
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 Lorenza, you are an interesting lady. As for you having 'feelings' for your distant relative, that is not uncommon as one may think. If I am right, the relations seems distant enough to be legal, but as you know, since you are 'related', it could be something that your family may discourage or disapprove of. Also, you and he clearly have indicated reasons why it wouldn't work out, so why even entertain the possibility or place yourselves in a potentially compromising situation?
smackie9 Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 Why would you regret it? This is a distant relative that you didn't even know about until about 3-4 months ago, that lives in another country. If it happens it happens, no one needs to know about it, AND all you have to do is block/delete when you want no more contact with this person. It will all go back to the way it was....he doesn't exist. You are and adult, you do whatever you want, you are not breaking any rules. I know for a fact that dating/marrying your cousin is NOT illegal, even in Canada. 1
Author Lorenza Posted August 4, 2017 Author Posted August 4, 2017 Why would you regret it? This is a distant relative that you didn't even know about until about 3-4 months ago, that lives in another country. If it happens it happens, no one needs to know about it, AND all you have to do is block/delete when you want no more contact with this person. It will all go back to the way it was....he doesn't exist. You are and adult, you do whatever you want, you are not breaking any rules. I know for a fact that dating/marrying your cousin is NOT illegal, even in Canada. We do live in the same country (complicated story), but I just can't decide if I'd rather have a little adventure with him or keep him as a friend/relative. I'm not the one to just have sex for fun. But this time I'm obsessed with the thought of it with him
Author Lorenza Posted August 4, 2017 Author Posted August 4, 2017 Lorenza, you are an interesting lady. As for you having 'feelings' for your distant relative, that is not uncommon as one may think. If I am right, the relations seems distant enough to be legal, but as you know, since you are 'related', it could be something that your family may discourage or disapprove of. Also, you and he clearly have indicated reasons why it wouldn't work out, so why even entertain the possibility or place yourselves in a potentially compromising situation? Not sure if "interesting" was meant in a negative or a positive way haha. Maybe the fact that it's inappropriate and not promising adds fire to it... The thought of it is thrilling just like the fact that he's a bit messed up. Which means I'm messed up as well... I'm still trying to convince myself that I can go there and not get involved into anything compromising. That both me and him will behave. But I'm not sure, ugh
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 Not sure if "interesting" was meant in a negative or a positive way haha. Maybe the fact that it's inappropriate and not promising adds fire to it... The thought of it is thrilling just like the fact that he's a bit messed up. Which means I'm messed up as well... I'm still trying to convince myself that I can go there and not get involved into anything compromising. That both me and him will behave. But I'm not sure, ugh Not in a bad way...somewhere in a puzzled way...only based on your past posts and struggles with dating....:-) Well, if you're attracted to messed-up people, then that may make you messed up, too. I would tread very lightly and carefully. You don't know this person. 1
kendahke Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 I wouldn't. Too much of an "ick" factor there. I don't care the distance or infrequency--there is the dna angle and for me, that's enough to put and end to it. 3
Miss Spider Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 I wouldn't. Too much of an "ick" factor there. I don't care the distance or infrequency--there is the dna angle and for me, that's enough to put and end to it. We all had that hot cousin, right? ....right?! But yeah I wouldn't 'cause cousin... and yeah, ick. Plus it makes family gatherings so awkward, I'm sure.
thefooloftheyear Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 My cousin had gotten a boob job, and asked me to feel them...It was too weird...I passed..... TFY 1
Author Lorenza Posted August 4, 2017 Author Posted August 4, 2017 We all had that hot cousin, right? ....right?! But yeah I wouldn't 'cause cousin... and yeah, ick. Plus it makes family gatherings so awkward, I'm sure. Well, it's not like we're real cousins. He's third cousins with my mom. I read that it's enough distance dna wise. Besides, I'm not aiming for a relationship, not at all. And our families meet rarely. I mean in my 28 years, this year I met them for the first time. I'm sure nobody would find out we fooled around and it wouldn't affect anything. IF we fooled around. That's still on question 1
Ami1uwant Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 What relation are you two....??? 1st cousins are kids of siblings. Quite a few places don't allow marriages between these relatives because of risk of recessive gene diseases. If you are farther apart in relation then a relationship isn't a big deal. Historically it's very common fir relatives to marry.
Author Lorenza Posted August 4, 2017 Author Posted August 4, 2017 What relation are you two....??? 1st cousins are kids of siblings. Quite a few places don't allow marriages between these relatives because of risk of recessive gene diseases. If you are farther apart in relation then a relationship isn't a big deal. Historically it's very common fir relatives to marry. Well, as I wrote before, he and my mom are third cousins. So he's my third cousin once removed
ExpatInItaly Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 There are far more negatives than positives here, and too much risk involved. I would not proceed.
soyou Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 If i were you, I'd go and if it happens, it happens. Just make sure you dont get attached to him! Just Have fun! Why thinking too much?
kendahke Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 We all had that hot cousin, right? ....right?! Yeah, but I never considered dating him. Unfortunately, he died of AIDS, so there's that... One other cousin I eventually found out wasn't even my uncle's son==he was biologically a stranger to me. But still, the whole family angle... ick! 1
kendahke Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 Well, it's not like we're real cousins. He's third cousins with my mom. I read that it's enough distance dna wise. Besides, I'm not aiming for a relationship, not at all. And our families meet rarely. I mean in my 28 years, this year I met them for the first time. I'm sure nobody would find out we fooled around and it wouldn't affect anything. IF we fooled around. That's still on question If it would make any family member give me the stank side eye, I'll pass.
thefooloftheyear Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 I often wonder about these things... I mean, if the human population was perilously nearing extinction...well...sure...Understandable... But there are billions of people...billions.....why get into something that might be sketchy??...... TFY 1
Bastile Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 IF we fooled around. That's still on question Almost all women have "indiscretions". I suppose the point is what makes for a good one. Firstly then, being discreet. Someone that isn't going to harm your social-value in any way from the act. And happily keep the secret. Another is lack of neediness, which is vital. Last thing you want is him going mental, falling in "love", and do things that harm both of your reputations. And obviously some skills as a lover. Doesn't need to be the second coming of Casanova, just not a virgin whom you will have to spend that time teaching the birds and bees to. Even if the thought of teaching someone how to love ( lol, I know some girls like that) appeals, you are dismissing how crazy virgins can be. If he fails to tick any of those boxes, then I'd say don't do it. 1
Chris2016 Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 If that's real you in the pic, I guess your cousin may now know that you want to bang him? Realistically, if you look like that you can't find d*ck somewhere else? 1
No_Go Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 Good points - I just disagree with the part for the virgins (it is just a label, doesn't mean anything - in terms of attachment style or skills - I've been on both ends - I was the virgin and I was with someone that was near virgin and it was just fine ... after the first 2-3 times). Oh and that most women have their 'indiscretions' - I'm not sure where this statistics is from but is definitely not 'most' (I'm not judging just stating my personal observations). Almost all women have "indiscretions". I suppose the point is what makes for a good one. Firstly then, being discreet. Someone that isn't going to harm your social-value in any way from the act. And happily keep the secret. Another is lack of neediness, which is vital. Last thing you want is him going mental, falling in "love", and do things that harm both of your reputations. And obviously some skills as a lover. Doesn't need to be the second coming of Casanova, just not a virgin whom you will have to spend that time teaching the birds and bees to. Even if the thought of teaching someone how to love ( lol, I know some girls like that) appeals, you are dismissing how crazy virgins can be. If he fails to tick any of those boxes, then I'd say don't do it. 1
ItStartsFromWithin Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 Well you two are almost 30 years old, so you'll have to decide if you really want to do this or not. However a couple things to keep in the back of your mind: {NOTE: these are extreme and rare possibilities, which most likely would not happen, however they are not unheard of, thus making them a possibile outcome, albeit, a remote one}. What if you two become intimate and feelings develop, and you both want to persue a relationship; how do you think your family would react? What if, after you two fool around or, 'go all the way' and he develops feelings while you don't, & decides to chase after you, cyberstalk you, tell everyone he knows about you two, becomes obsessed with you, etc. (I know that's extreme but as you, yourself admitted, you don't really even know him, so even if its extreme, its still a possibility). Or the tables are reversed, & you fall hard for him, but he doesn't want a relationship with you, thus breaking your heart. Although, to many, it may not be an issue that you were involved with a distant cousin, however, the stigma may remain with some men, & may become a deal breaker in a future relationship. Because, say you have a wedding or family reunion and everyone's invited, what if your cousin-even in jest- casually mentions something to your husband about you two, your husband would most likely be upset that you never told him, & he found out through someone else. Whether its right it wrong, doesn't matter, he may wonder 'if you hid that, what else could you be hiding?' Or if you two do end up together, for a short time, and you break up; there's the potential that his heart be broken and in revenge he blasts your whole situation all over social media, the texts, any pics, the sexting messages, all on display, for all to see, including friends, family, future employers, and future husband. Your life becomes very public, for all time. **** I know you stated that you're not looking for any long term relationship, or anything other than; fun, but realistically HOW MANY people in relationships have said THE EXACT SAME THING, only to end up developing feelings or end up in a long term serious commitment? Sometimes things don't go as planned & your heart wants something very different; from your rationale thinking mind. You can logically know something wont work out, or you shouldn't get involved, but your heart may develop feelings & emotions, that you have no control over.**** Ultimately, its you that has to decide to go through with this or not, but just realize *possible* outcomes may occur down the road, that you neither wanted nor foresaw, that could have been avoided, had you kept things platonic, just as, with any; other relationship on the planet. Good luck! 1
Bastile Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 Good points - I just disagree with the part for the virgins (it is just a label, doesn't mean anything - in terms of attachment style or skills - I've been on both ends - I was the virgin and I was with someone that was near virgin and it was just fine ... after the first 2-3 times). Oh and that most women have their 'indiscretions' - I'm not sure where this statistics is from but is definitely not 'most' (I'm not judging just stating my personal observations). Virgin isn't a label; it's an indication of lack of life-experience. It permeates a whole lack of understanding of etiquette. Not what you want whilst playing delicate social-circle game. We've all been on both sides, that's life... My personal observation is guilty until proven innocent 1
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