Bekki47 Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 So I've wrote about my partner before. We argue he packs his stuff and leaves me I go get him back we get back together and if he gets p***ed of with me he's gone again. We recently had a rough patch where I found out that he had been chatting to his ex for 4 weeks then their convo turned into flirtatious i want to meet you messages and he refused to show me their messages as he said they would hurt me if i read them I want to meet up with you messages. I found this out last week. He told me she has since been deleted and block and yesterday changed his phone number he also said for the time being unroll I get his trust back he would show me anything in his phone if I asked to see it and I thought fair enough he really wants this to work. So yesterday we went out for a drink I told him how much i loved him and wanted us to work so did he but I told him in still hurt by what happened and I can't fully trust him at the no and he said he understood. We was having a great time all night laughing and loved up and he got his phone out and started scrolling and I said let me see your messager and he go so annoyed saying I've just ruined everything I shouldn't touch him go neat him and he packed his things and walked out on me again saying he's done with the relationship. I was stunned we had only bee back together 6 hours. He's always doing this just leaving me and finishing it as soon as there's an argument or something is said he doesn't like. I feel like I'm going crazy I can't deal with this no more I've deleted and blocked everything of him.i miss him so much already how am I gonna cope
stillafool Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 By moving on with your life and not taking him back this time. You have to stay strong. If you want the upper hand make him beg for you. You do this by moving on and not engaging him if he tries to come back to you. Tell him NO. He has probably gone back to his ex. 2
Author Bekki47 Posted August 4, 2017 Author Posted August 4, 2017 She was the one that messaged me to look at the messages. He was shocked she could do that so blocked her and deleted her so I do t think he will go back there as he said he wouldn't be able to trust someone like that. I just wish I hadn't said anything now. I didn't think he was going to get up and leave me over it. I just think weather is have said that or something else a few days down the line he would have still found an excuse to leave me. It happens all the time. I really want to message him and say that I never wanted him to leave over that and that I love him but I don't think it be any use and I don't think he will come back this time.
Vanity1 Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 (edited) She was the one that messaged me to look at the messages. He was shocked she could do that so blocked her and deleted her so I do t think he will go back there as he said he wouldn't be able to trust someone like that. I just wish I hadn't said anything now. I didn't think he was going to get up and leave me over it. I just think weather is have said that or something else a few days down the line he would have still found an excuse to leave me. It happens all the time. I really want to message him and say that I never wanted him to leave over that and that I love him but I don't think it be any use and I don't think he will come back this time. Im in a similar situation, now ex bf contacted his ex to hang out and "talk". Don't u think that's a red flag, keep ignoring them and there's going to be one thing after another. Don't make excuses for him, I know it feels better but you're only gonna get hurt. He and I kept in contact and it's given me more anxiety then the initial reason why we ended it- he has no reason to talk to his ex. Please. Also he said that he would allow u to see his phone, but when it came down to it he felt like he nothing to prove because he got u back anyway. What happened to regaining your trust , he messed up. Edited August 4, 2017 by Hurtx10 1
Author Bekki47 Posted August 4, 2017 Author Posted August 4, 2017 And this is what I told him. I told him you have family and friends to talk to why her and he said she just popped up on facebook at the time we was arguing and she was someone familiar and he felt comfortable talking to her and the dynamic of the convo changed when we broke up for the two days...during that time I'm trying so hard to get him back over the phone and crying and he's saying no he won't come back and I have to move on and all along he's chatting to her. He knows I been through this with an ex and I have trust issues and he went and did this on me. Then when he came back he promised she's gone and new number and everything and I go and ask to she his messenger and he kicks of and leaves me...moments before we was loved up and planning our trip to France this weekend with him keep telling me he loves me...how can some one do all that with u and within minutes walk out on you and say i got issues and need councilling it's the same every time. I feel I'm going crazy
Vanity1 Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 And this is what I told him. I told him you have family and friends to talk to why her and he said she just popped up on facebook at the time we was arguing and she was someone familiar and he felt comfortable talking to her and the dynamic of the convo changed when we broke up for the two days...during that time I'm trying so hard to get him back over the phone and crying and he's saying no he won't come back and I have to move on and all along he's chatting to her. He knows I been through this with an ex and I have trust issues and he went and did this on me. Then when he came back he promised she's gone and new number and everything and I go and ask to she his messenger and he kicks of and leaves me...moments before we was loved up and planning our trip to France this weekend with him keep telling me he loves me...how can some one do all that with u and within minutes walk out on you and say i got issues and need councilling it's the same every time. I feel I'm going crazy If he loved you he was want to ease your mind and show u his messenger. Just like how he suggested. They just say things, just words. Words don't mean anything.
BaileyB Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 Anyone who packs up and leaves everytime there is a conflict is not a good or healthy, long term partner. Now, you think he's talking to his ex and hiding it from you - again, not a good or healthy basis for a long term relationship. You have done the right thing by asking him to leave. DO NOT take him back, again... If you are having difficulty coping, find support from friends and family. Or, find a counsellor who can help you to understand why you have stayed in such an unhealthy relationship for so long... 3
Author Bekki47 Posted August 4, 2017 Author Posted August 4, 2017 I see that now. I should have never given in so easily.. I've had to delete his number so I don't contact him.like I would normally do I just feel so down...one minute ee are loved up and happy and hes telling me he loves me and then gone and doesnt want to be with me anymore
BaileyB Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 I see that now. I should have never given in so easily.. I've had to delete his number so I don't contact him.like I would normally do I just feel so down...one minute ee are loved up and happy and hes telling me he loves me and then gone and doesnt want to be with me anymore That kind of roller coaster in a sure sign of an unhealthy relationship. It will only get worse. He is not a good or healthy partner. He needs to grow up! Best to move on, as hard as it is... 1
spiderowl Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 I am sorry to hear what's happened. I know it hurts you a lot but you have done the right thing by blocking and deleting. You know you can't trust this guy but you have been desperately trying to find a way to. You would be so much better off with a guy who loves you and who you can trust. This is not the guy. You know that. Please don't go back after him. Work your way through the pain and loss and eventually you will find someone better. It might not be instant but it will happen. Your heart will not be open to anyone else while you remain fixated and emotionally involved with this guy. That is why you need a period of unhooking yourself emotionally from him. Cry and mourn the loss. That is the way to finding a place in your heart for someone new. Once you have truly written this guy off, you will be able to move on to something better.
Author Bekki47 Posted August 4, 2017 Author Posted August 4, 2017 He has messaged my son this afternoon asking how I am and telling him.he feels for me and how he didn't like leaving me in the state I was yesterday and telling him that he will always regret being in his life but it's for the best in so mad I wish he hasn't done that
Michelle ma Belle Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 You need to demand better for yourself. Honestly. How many threads do we read on here of women tolerating bad behavior from their wayward men??? I'll tell you...TOO MANY! (and yes, it goes both ways as well). I'm sorry you've fallen in love with such an a$$ but that's life. We all make mistakes. The real problem here is that YOU continued to tolerate him disrespecting you and your relationship. That is on YOU and you alone. Just because we love someone doesn't mean it's right or meant to be forever, nor does it mean it's enough to fix any and all problems you have in your relationship. Love is a verb after all. It takes effort and action. Love, REAL love doesn't look or feel or behave like the way he's been behaving. Please know this and remember this for all eternity. Again, demand better for yourself! Heartache sucks but I can guarantee you that you will not die from a broken heart. Time is remedy. Block, delete, ignore and get yourself a hobby to keep you busy. And when you start feeling sorry for yourself or missing this douche bag, yank off those rose colored glasses and remember this and all those other questionable and painful moments rather than wallow blindly in only happy ones. Good luck. 2
SpecialJ Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 OP, you've gotten good answers from others here, but I was taken by something you posted: "She was the one that messaged me to look at the messages. He was shocked she could do that so blocked her and deleted her ". You know what that means, don't you? He only stopped because he got caught AND he is unable to actually take responsibility for his own mistakes. He handled it with her by getting angry at HER and blocking HER instead and trying to control the narrative about it with you (which resulted in him saying words that possibly sounded like taking responsibility but in action proved to not be the case at all or he wouldn't have left at the first sign of you asking him to be accountable 6 hours later). If you can, you may want to familiarize yourself with signs of being manipulated, controlled, and covert abuse. Google can be a starting point, a therapist can help you dig deeper. But it sounds like to me that he has zero respect for your boundaries. My ex continuing to reach out to me frequently after blind siding me with a breakup IN SPITE of my stating multiple times I needed space was what triggered my realization that he didn't actually respect me and just liked having my attention and led me to have the courage to block him and get over it. He should not be messaging your son, and you can either ask your son to block him too or to just not give you news of this guy so you can stay strong in no contact and start moving on. Good luck.
ItStartsFromWithin Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 Oh sweetie, I'm sorry you're in pain. Here's the deal though, this relationship is very unhealthy, not just for you, but also for your son. Him deciding to call your son & say that him leaving you was for the best; is just a whole other level of unhealthy- because if he does decide to come back again and after 6 hours gets angry with you, & packs up his bags and leaves again; its going to both hurt and confuse your son. Not to mention keep breaking your heart repeatedly. Here's the deal though, by the way he's acting; its as if he is looking for ways to leave you. You say this happens all the time, he becomes all lovey-dovey with you one second, but the second you say something he doesn't agree with, he instantly packs his bags and moves out. Its seems he's on the fence about whether he should stay with you or leave. Then once he leaves, he misses you-moves back in-waits for you to do one wrong thing-then moves out again. All the while bouncing in & out of you and your sons life. Plus, the fact that he carried on an emotional affair with his ex for over 4weeks, & you would never have found out if SHE hasn't told you herself!! I may be way off the mark here but honestly I think something fishy is going on with him, if he had nothing to hide, from you, then why pack his bags and storm off? If he supposedly deleted his ex's number, & all their texts & correspondence between the two of them, then nothing would be on the phone-& he would have gladly handed it to you, since he'd originally agreed to do whatever it took to regain your trust back. But he didn't want you to see the phone.... Why? Because something is on there & he doesn't want you to see. He's talking to someone. It may be the ex, or it may be another female, but there's definitely someone else in the picture besides just you and him. My bets are the ex; because you would NEVER have found out, that they were having an emotional affair, if his ex hadnt told you herself!! Which means he would have happily continued the affair for as long as he could, & you'd never be the wiser. I suggest you don't take him back, if not for you, then for your son. He doesn't need someone popping in & out of his life, it shows him a very skewed version of relationships; that at the first sign of trouble, you leave. When things get hard, you give up; when the going gets tuff, run away...that's whats being shown to him. Plus, he has to witness his mother on a constant rollercoaster of emotional ups & downs; when the boyfriend is moved in-mom is super happy, but when boyfriend moves out-mom is emotionally crushed anxious and depressed. Its not a healthy dynamic for your son, no matter what his age. And it sure isn't healthy for you either. I think its time you gracefully walk away. Focus on yourself, your future, & your son. Let this man go be with his ex, or another woman, because in the future its going to be rather difficult to not suspect him cheating, because he'd never tell you, just like this time. You deserve better than this, because if you do take him back you'll be forever walking on EGGSHELLS, knowing that one little disagreement will send him packing. You'll be a nervous wreck, that will emotional drain you, being terrified to even speak up, in fear he will leave you again. You'll suffer ulcers and stomach issues from the constant worrying and anxiety: all just to keep him with you. Why would you wan't that for you or your son? Leave, and find a man who will love you and treat you with respect and who won't leave you at the drop off a hat. Stay strong! You're better than this. 1
stillafool Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 And this is what I told him. I told him you have family and friends to talk to why her and he said she just popped up on facebook at the time we was arguing and she was someone familiar and he felt comfortable talking to her and the dynamic of the convo changed when we broke up for the two days...during that time I'm trying so hard to get him back over the phone and crying and he's saying no he won't come back and I have to move on and all along he's chatting to her. He knows I been through this with an ex and I have trust issues and he went and did this on me. Then when he came back he promised she's gone and new number and everything and I go and ask to she his messenger and he kicks of and leaves me...moments before we was loved up and planning our trip to France this weekend with him keep telling me he loves me...how can some one do all that with u and within minutes walk out on you and say i got issues and need councilling it's the same every time. I feel I'm going crazy Because he was lying. He tells you what he thinks you want to hear to keep you from getting emotional. He talked to her because he wanted to not just because she was there on his FB. It's impossible to walk on eggshells to try to keep him from walking out on you. He has told you to move on so stop begging him back. Pick yourself up this time and move forward. Even if he did come back he will leave again because it seems he really doesn't want to be there.
Author Bekki47 Posted August 5, 2017 Author Posted August 5, 2017 I had a moment of weekends this morning and sent him.a heart felt email as I've been blocked on everything...im not going to message him anymore I just had to tell him how I feel...i miss him loads as well I just can't help how I feels been a big part of my life just the thought of not talking to him again kills me x
spiderowl Posted August 5, 2017 Posted August 5, 2017 I know it hurts and how you must feel, but if you keep chasing after this guy and allowing him back into your life, you are not teaching him to respect you. He knows he can come and go as he pleases. Do you really want him to think he can treat you like this? Don't you deserve better?
SpecialJ Posted August 5, 2017 Posted August 5, 2017 (edited) It can be really hard in these situations to understand the benefit of completely cutting contact for a while because it really does feel a lot worse before it feels better, and it doesn't work right way. It can take 1, 2, 3 months before you've had enough distance to be more objective, maybe have your perspective shift, and really figure out what you want. It's also really hard to do when your focus is still on the other person and what they are thinking or doing and what you did relative to them that made them respond a certain way, instead of completely on yourself. It takes will power, but it will eventually allow you to see results if you let it. Whether those results are wow, this is the wrong relationship for me and he treated me so badly why would I put up with that, or, after several months I realize he really is the man for me and now we've had a reset to change and work through it, the complete lack of news, interaction, and communication is key in these toxic relationships. I hope you can get yourself to cut him out completely, even if just for 2-3 months, to figure out what you really want and deserve. It could also be helpful to think about it as, you've tried the same thing over and over again and nothing changed to help the situation. So you know what will happen if you repeat, why not try something different this time? Edited August 5, 2017 by SpecialJ
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