kj14 Posted August 3, 2017 Posted August 3, 2017 Girlfriend and I of 9 months broke up 3 1/2 weeks ago. It was the first relationship for the both of us, first time either of us had been in love. It was somewhat mutual, to her ending it, as I saw it coming. Things started going down hill around the 8 month mark but we talked about it and things improved. I'll admit though I was a bit clingy every time I felt like she was pulling away a bit. During the final month we had close to zero communication as it seemed like she was still upset and didn't want to talk and I didn't give up but just gave her space and waited to see when she was ready to talk. She generally gets stressed very easily, and right now she is studying for her medical school entrance exam which is in about 5 weeks, and I didn't want to add more stress into her life. Finally she agreed to talk and said she still loved and cared for me but didn't feel a sense of "security" anymore and didn't know if she could go back to that feeling. She said sorry, as the lack of communication was mostly her fault. She said she wished that at least one of has known how important communication and certain factors were in a relationship. I said now that we know these mistakes we made if she feels like we can learn and work on them. She felt like too much damage had been done over lack of communication. (again if even if we were to try again right now would not be the best time with her needing to focus on her studying. I mean she does go out with family or what not but dealing with a rough patch in a relationship would have been hard work.) I didn't beg for her to stay, ended on good terms, none of the blocked/unfollowing business. At the end she said "why does it feel like there is still unfinished business between us." and added "if i feel differently I will contact you after my exam (which is in 5 weeks). When I asked her if she lost feelings she immediately denied it but later told a mutual friend that she had, and it was due to lack of communication. However I feel like she is unsure and didn't want to drag it on nor deal with the stress of this rough patch while already super stressed about her medical school exam. Reasons why I think she is unsure: -she wished my best friend whom she has never met before happy birthday days before the break up -she said she had my birthday gift sitting in her room and on the day of the break up, asked if we could meet up for that and I kind of gave of the vibe that I didn't want to (break up was a week before my birthday, she sent me a happy birthday text) -she still likes pictures of my friends and family on instagram -she said "I will msg you if i feel differently after my exam" (knowing the person she is I feel like if she had 100% lost feelings she wouldn't say something like that) 7/9 months we were honestly so happy, and we barely fought, if anything it would be just some petty bickering that would end in smiles. Then problems we had honestly could have been resolved over communication (no cheating, no lying, always maintained trust and loyalty for one another), which i admit both of us took for granted. And like she said by the time of the breakup too much damage had been done as a result. I have begun the process of moving forward (currently no contact) but my gut feelings still wants her back. My question is, should I try contacting her after her exam even if she doesn't contact me (that would be just over 2 months after the break up)? Reason why I feel like I want her back. -her friends and family love me (before the break up her cousins would tell my friend that she is so lucky to have me, that I am an amazing guy, and hope that she doesn't mess it up) -same religious views -same values -rough patch/end of honeymoon phase, paired with lack of communication, and bad timing with her studying for her medical school entrance exam, let to distance between us. Some more details which might be useful: On the day of the breakup after apologizing for taking communication for granted on her part during the final month, she explained that every night she thought about me when she went to bed and why she felt this way. I explained to her that minimal communication on my part was not a sign that i didn't care, and that it was just that it got to a point where I valued her studying for her exam more than the way I felt, and was willing to be patient until she was done her exam, regardless of what that did to the relationship, because the last thing i wanted to do right now was burden her with relationship stress. To that she said, but I'm not one to drag someone on this on for that long. I should also mention that that last date we had where I took her out for her bday a month before the break-up, that didn't end so well, the next day she asked for the re-do of the date the very next day. But given both our busy schedules never got around to it. A week following that when I tried to get her to talk, she was clearly still too stressed and even said, "I guess we will deal with this after I am done my exam." Again, this was 3-4weeks before the actual break up. And her exam is during the first week of September. It is also notable that even back when things were fine between us, when we were both in full time school (we go to different schools), during final exam season we would talk on the phone once a day at the most, other than that it would be sometimes a month of not seeing each other. That was never a problem, as she also has strict parents so from the get-go we established that we wouldn't be able to see each other as often as other couples might. Even when we spoke of her medical school entrance exam before she even started studying for it, she said I will probably only be able to see you once a month, but I will still call you every night before bed. Again, this was discussed during month 7 when we were still in that honeymoon phase. Given these reasons, is why am wondering if she was just unsure about what she wanted and just came to the conclusion of breakup so she could have a mind clear while studying. As of now I do not plan on breaking no contact, probably will just wish her good luck the day before her exam. Other than that no telling how I, or even she will feel once that exam is done in 5 weeks.
Zahara Posted August 3, 2017 Posted August 3, 2017 -she said "I will msg you if i feel differently after my exam" (knowing the person she is I feel like if she had 100% lost feelings she wouldn't say something like that) Don't contact her. Continue the process of moving on. Respect the space that she has requested. And dumpers do say things like that (bold) as it is very common, even when they do not feel the same way about you anymore. Stop focusing on words so much. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 3, 2017 Posted August 3, 2017 I honestly just see a girl who indeed has a lot going on, but lost interest. Girls who want to keep you around don't go into such minimal communication. That's an overall lack of investment on her part. When we're truly interested in a guy, we inherently know the value of communication and want to keep in touch. You could contact her in a couple months' time but I am not sure much will have really changed regarding how she feels towards you. 2
d0nnivain Posted August 3, 2017 Posted August 3, 2017 Reaching out to wish her luck on her exam is breaking NC. It is contact, initiated by you. While it's a nice thought, it has ulterior motives. You want her to see your message & long to get back together with you. Won't happen. In all likelihood she'll think: why is this guy still hanging on? when is he going to get we're over & go away? She broke up with you. You want her back. Sorry but break ups default to the one who wanted out. Unless she initiates a reconciliation conversation, it's a non starter. 2
Author kj14 Posted August 3, 2017 Author Posted August 3, 2017 I honestly just see a girl who indeed has a lot going on, but lost interest. Girls who want to keep you around don't go into such minimal communication. That's an overall lack of investment on her part. When we're truly interested in a guy, we inherently know the value of communication and want to keep in touch. You could contact her in a couple months' time but I am not sure much will have really changed regarding how she feels towards you. Thank you for your reply and I completely agree on what you have said. And I do agree that along the way she did show signs of losing at least some interest. (I made the mistake of become insecure and clingy during these times). But there was also signs that she still cared. This is why i feel like she was just so unsure. The sign I saw were: -buying me a birthday gift (though I didn't get it, nor would I have been willing to meet her for it so soon after the BU) while we were in minimal contact (if you knew 100% that you lost feelings why would you do that) -a week before the breakup I sent her a snapchat of my father's surgery which she knew about, and she asked how it went and she genuinely showed signs of care, even though the convo didn't prolong -wishing me good luck on my exams during the final month where we had minimal contact -just days before the break up she wished me best friend happy birthday, something she didn't HAVE to do at all as she only added him on facebook because he was my best friend, she has never spoken to or met him in person Even during the break up, we had long moments of silence where we both just sat there thinking, but we also had small talk, caught up on each other lives over the past month and laughed. I am actively moving on, and no telling how I will feel a month from now only time will tell/heal i guess.
Author kj14 Posted August 3, 2017 Author Posted August 3, 2017 Reaching out to wish her luck on her exam is breaking NC. It is contact, initiated by you. While it's a nice thought, it has ulterior motives. You want her to see your message & long to get back together with you. Won't happen. In all likelihood she'll think: why is this guy still hanging on? when is he going to get we're over & go away? She broke up with you. You want her back. Sorry but break ups default to the one who wanted out. Unless she initiates a reconciliation conversation, it's a non starter. I agree but for the record she has already broken no contact and sent me a text on my birthday, all I said was thank you, didn't try to prolong the convo. This is about 10 days after the break up. Also, neither of us agreed to have no contact, hell we didn't even block/unfollow one another on social media. We still like each others pictures (including our family and friends), still view each other's snapchats, etc. Like I said, break up was very good term, in a sense even mutual.
d0nnivain Posted August 3, 2017 Posted August 3, 2017 (edited) The 3 things you saw as signs for possible reconciliation are really just evidence of the fact that she is fundamentally a kind, polite person. You can break up with somebody but still hope their father recovers from his surgery, or wish his friends a happy birthday. You can break up & not be mean. You both sound civil. That still doesn't mean reconciliation is on the horizon Edited August 3, 2017 by d0nnivain 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 3, 2017 Posted August 3, 2017 The 3 things you saw as signs for possible reconciliation are really just evidence of the fact that she is fundamentally a kind, polite person. You can break up with somebody but still hope their father recovers from his surgery, or wish his friends a happy birthday. You can break up & not be mean. You both sound civil. That still doesn't mean reconciliation is on the horizon I was coming to say the same things. She's a decent person, OP. She cares about you, but the examples you gave really just demonstrate her kind nature. She probably would've felt bad not wishing you a happy birthday and not asking about your father's surgery (and that was a conversation you initiated, not her) Wishing your friend a happy birthday on FB really doesn't mean anything. Have you seen the hundreds of birthday messages people get on social media? It's a fairly meaningless gesture, to be honest. I know you are down and looking for hope, but you're reading into those things too much. You would need something of a lot more substance to actually verify your inkling that she still has feelings for you. 3
Author kj14 Posted August 3, 2017 Author Posted August 3, 2017 The 3 things you saw as signs for possible reconciliation are really just evidence of the fact that she is fundamentally a kind, polite person. You can break up with somebody but still hope their father recovers from his surgery, or wish his friends a happy birthday. You can break up & not be mean. You both sound civil. That still doesn't mean reconciliation is on the horizon I understand, I tend to overthink a lot. I am still going to wish her good luck the day before her exam though. Not in a way at all to try and reconcile because I won't expect her to conversate with me the day before a major exam. Its literally the one exam that will determine her future for the next few years, and if anything thats the one thing I genuinely care about. After that if she contact me she contact me, if not, depending on how I feel at that point I will determine what I will do.
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