boyfriend's siblings don't like me

[mikeylo]

I see this quite differently !

 

You are crossing your boundary. He is probably discussing his relationship with them and they can see that you are probably using him for his money.Its pretty clear.

 

Why don't you just transfer in his account?You don't need his permission to do that. As for his sister, well, I give presents and money gifts to my sister and don't expect her to give them back. My wife and I have discussed it and we were both fine with it.

 

You are not legally bound to this guy. Its not that he is answerable to you regarding how he manages his money. Since there is no discussion of marriage etc., I guess you can see the dynamics of the entire situation.

 

If you were married, then it would be different. There you discuss as a married couple and decide.Here, not your place.

 

( I'm expecting a huge back lash from most people here, lol )

[smackie9]

I see this quite differently !

 

You are crossing your boundary. He is probably discussing his relationship with them and they can see that you are probably using him for his money.Its pretty clear.

 

Why don't you just transfer in his account?You don't need his permission to do that. As for his sister, well, I give presents and money gifts to my sister and don't expect her to give them back. My wife and I have discussed it and we were both fine with it.

 

You are not legally bound to this guy. Its not that he is answerable to you regarding how he manages his money. Since there is no discussion of marriage etc., I guess you can see the dynamics of the entire situation.

 

If you were married, then it would be different. There you discuss as a married couple and decide.Here, not your place.

 

( I'm expecting a huge back lash from most people here, lol )

Obviously you didn't properly read through the thread. She didn't use him. If it was the case, he could have simply say no go live with your parents or your friends. She's been paying her way when she could, and took on all the household chores (which is payable labor btw), and wants to and is going to pay him back for what she owes for the unpaid rent. That doesn't sound like she's using him.

 

BTW when you live together, you become common-law, and that means you are considered in the likes of being married, not roommates. As a couple with a solid foundation, you should be able to help one another out when things come up.

 

IMO this guy is a two faced coward. If she was really putting him out then he should have the back bone to say something. So this is all on him.

[lostmyshadow]

So I talked to him last night, and he admitted that he told them things he shouldn't have. I'm glad that he admitted it, but I'm pissed off that he would do that in the first place. Also, most of the things they complain about have nothing to do with anything he says. They criticize me for the way that I am (the fact that I'm quiet, that I'm really awkward with kids). They keep asking my boyfriend to explain to them why I act this way or that. No matter how he explains it, they just don't get it. I feel like I'm a weird animal at the zoo that they are trying to understand. It's not a nice feeling.

 

I also found out that his family has acted this way towards at least THREE other in-laws. The SIL that I get along with (I immediately sensed that she must know what I'm dealing with!!) was strongly disliked for a long time. On the day of her wedding, they still didn't like her! They are friends with her now. I guess they eventually got over it, but wow. They used to give the BIL a really hard time. A few relatives living overseas did the same thing to a different SIL they didn't like.

 

Part of the problem is he passes this off as "part of the culture." Yes, we are an interracial couple. But I have my own family values and my own culture. I shouldn't be expected to just go along with EVERYTHING they do because of their culture. And I suspect that it may not be a cultural thing at all but a dysfunctional family. I deserve to draw a line in the sand somewhere.

 

Overall, the conversation went pretty well last night, but we still have more to talk about. And I'll be talking to my parents about it sometime this weekend.

 

Oh, and they are upset that I haven't opened up with them yet, which actually IS understandable.... but there's a reason for why I haven't done so. I could sense from the beginning that something wasn't quite right. I've been holding myself at a distance because I don't want to get caught up in their drama. I don't want them to ever talk to me the way that I sometimes see them talking to the BIL. So, yeah. I'm quiet for a reason!!!

Edited August 4, 2017 by lostmyshadow

[SammySammy]

Siblings are going to be protective of each other. At least, they should be. When all is said and done, all they have is each other. If you leave, or any of their SOs leave, the siblings will always be there.

 

It may seem irrational or unfair, but they are the last line of defense so to speak.

 

That's how my siblings and I are. SOs are welcome if they are good for and good to our sister or brother. Make life difficult for them ... and you shouldn't expect a warm reception from us. Shouldn't expect us to overlook it like it's nothing.

 

I understand your situation was temporary and you're overcoming it. Just keep doing that and I think the wariness will fade over time. I think they just want to know you're going to be good to their brother. That's all.

[d0nnivain]

Remember it's a package deal. If you stay together or get married they will always be there.

 

 

Are you really sure you want all the drama that comes with this?

[lostmyshadow]

They may be concerned about their brother, which explains the criticism of my job/income/contribution to the finances. But it doesn't excuse the criticism of my character. There is nothing wrong with being a quiet person. There is nothing wrong with being a bit awkward with kids (I'm NOT mean to kids!!). I'm really surprised that they make such a big deal about it. That's fine if they don't like it, but it's not hurting anyone.

[OatsAndHall]

So I talked to him last night, and he admitted that he told them things he shouldn't have. I'm glad that he admitted it, but I'm pissed off that he would do that in the first place. Also, most of the things they complain about have nothing to do with anything he says. They criticize me for the way that I am (the fact that I'm quiet, that I'm really awkward with kids). They keep asking my boyfriend to explain to them why I act this way or that. No matter how he explains it, they just don't get it. I feel like I'm a weird animal at the zoo that they are trying to understand. It's not a nice feeling.

 

I also found out that his family has acted this way towards at least THREE other in-laws. The SIL that I get along with (I immediately sensed that she must know what I'm dealing with!!) was strongly disliked for a long time. On the day of her wedding, they still didn't like her! They are friends with her now. I guess they eventually got over it, but wow. They used to give the BIL a really hard time. A few relatives living overseas did the same thing to a different SIL they didn't like.

 

Part of the problem is he passes this off as "part of the culture." Yes, we are an interracial couple. But I have my own family values and my own culture. I shouldn't be expected to just go along with EVERYTHING they do because of their culture. And I suspect that it may not be a cultural thing at all but a dysfunctional family. I deserve to draw a line in the sand somewhere.

 

Overall, the conversation went pretty well last night, but we still have more to talk about. And I'll be talking to my parents about it sometime this weekend.

 

Well, I will give him kudos for admitting to his mistake and apologizing for it. In my mind, that says a lot about his integrity so I urge you to take that into consideration. I am finding more and more people who simply won't take responsibility for their actions, particularly when it comes to relationships.

 

I would suggest that you take some time to yourself and process the situation before you make any major moves. Talk to your boyfriend more about the situation, establish an understanding about your situation and set some boundaries for yourself with his siblings. I wouldn't be hasty about moving out as that could fan the flames of the situation and make it harder for the two of you to sort things out. Sometimes time apart is a good thing but it can also be detrimental to a relationship.

 

At this point, I do think I would keep my distance from his siblings for awhile, whether he likes it or not. He made the choice to run his mouth to them and there are consequences for that action. He can obviously still spend time with them but I would avoid contact with them that I deemed "unnecessary".

 

This is how I handled my former brother-in-law when he caused drama by spreading around rumors about my past (things that happened LONG before I met my ex-wife) and I confronted him about it. I would still attend important family outings but I cut off any contact beyond that. At that point, I felt like I had been treated unfairly, I strongly disliked him and I wasn't going to put myself in many situations where I had to spend time with him. It spurred one fight but I reminded her that he had violated some boundaries and that I had the right to avoid him.

[SammySammy]

They want the kids to be treated well too. That's a natural concern also.

 

I agree there's nothing wrong with being quiet, but I think their concerns are understandable.

[lostmyshadow]

They want the kids to be treated well too. That's a natural concern also.

 

I agree there's nothing wrong with being quiet, but I think their concerns are understandable.

 

Being awkward with kids doesn't mean that I'm going to be mean to them or treat them badly. They can already see that for themselves; I've never been rude to their two eldest sons, whom I've been around for almost three years now. In fact, I actually sort of like the one kid. He's smart. So you're entitled to your opinion, but I disagree.

 

And even if all of their concerns are understandable.... complaining about it over and over (which they're doing) isn't going to accomplish anything. By doing that too much, it crosses the line from "understandable concern" to "meddlesome." You can't change people or force them to do anything. All you can do is state your concerns once, and then let your ADULT sibling make his/her own choices.

Edited August 4, 2017 by lostmyshadow

[OatsAndHall]

They want the kids to be treated well too. That's a natural concern also.

 

I agree there's nothing wrong with being quiet, but I think their concerns are understandable.

 

It doesn't seem like the OP has treated them poorly. Being a little quiet and shy could be misconstrued as being rude or arrogant but it seems like she is going out of her way to be pleasant. Plus, the siblings are treating other significant others like crap so it really is on them.

 

But, some of that is based on my own experience. I have very different political views from my ex-wife's family and they knew it. I kept my mouth shut about it but they would bring up their point of views and attack mine. I bit my tongue every single time (even when I was referred to as a "communist") and just basically shut up the majority of the time I was around them. I never complained about it when I got away from them either.

 

Yet, on many occasions, I was accused of being rude to her family or "hating" them just because I chose not to engage them in a political or religious argument.

 

One time, we were at a holiday get-together and I not only had a bad cold, but my knee and my lower back were killing me. I tore them up lifting as I had a spotter who wasn't exactly "knowledgeable" (long story). I was doped to the gills on cold medicine and I just generally felt like crap. I was quiet throughout that get-together because of all of it. My former mother-in-law asked me if I was alright and I politely explained to her that I wasn't feeling well. I engaged with them in conversation but I was really dopey and out of it. Of course, we get home and her family has texted her and whined about how rude I was to them.

 

I have found that these types of family situations are a no-win in many cases. A significant other's family decides that they don't like you and there isn't much you can do to change that. Lord knows I tried and failed, many times.

[lostmyshadow]

Remember it's a package deal. If you stay together or get married they will always be there.

 

 

Are you really sure you want all the drama that comes with this?

 

Hell no I don't want it. LOL. I need to figure out if it's something that I can deal with. I've been holding myself at a distance because I noticed pretty early on that something wasn't quite right. The fact that I haven't opened up yet (I do become more talkative when I'm more comfortable with people) has to do with the fact I don't trust them. I see how rude they sometimes are to the BIL, and I don't want them talking to me that way. They aren't bad people, but the family dynamics don't exactly appeal to me.

[SammySammy]

Being awkward with kids doesn't mean that I'm going to be mean to them or treat them badly. They can already see that for themselves; I've never been rude to their two eldest sons, whom I've been around for almost three years now. In fact, I actually sort of like the one kid. He's smart. So you're entitled to your opinion, but I disagree.

 

And even if all of their concerns are understandable.... complaining about it over and over (which they're doing) isn't going to accomplish anything. By doing that too much, it crosses the line from "understandable concern" to "meddlesome." You can't change people or force them to do anything. All you can do is state your concerns once, and then let your ADULT sibling make his/her own choices.

 

I didn't say being awkward means you're going to mistreat the kids, I said it's a concern. Something they are keeping an eye on. And they should.

 

And ... if you expect me to be concerned about my sibling ONCE, you're going to be disappointed. That's an unrealistic expectation. As the older brother, I was there when they all were born. Changed diapers, fed, potty trained, taught them to ride a bike ... all of that. I'm there for life and I'm going to be a constant reminder to you that I love my brother. If that's a problem with you, then that's too bad.

 

I don't interfere in my siblings relationships, but their SOs know. Without me saying anything ... they know. They know where I stand. That expectation is constant and especially so with the children. I want them treated well. Period.

 

Continue to demonstrate you're that person and things will eventually ease up. But, don't expect them to not be wary when you've given them reason to be wary.

[anna121]

I didn't say being awkward means you're going to mistreat the kids, I said it's a concern. Something they are keeping an eye on. And they should.

 

And ... if you expect me to be concerned about my sibling ONCE, you're going to be disappointed. That's an unrealistic expectation. As the older brother, I was there when they all were born. Changed diapers, fed, potty trained, taught them to ride a bike ... all of that. I'm there for life and I'm going to be a constant reminder to you that I love my brother. If that's a problem with you, then that's too bad.

 

I don't interfere in my siblings relationships, but their SOs know. Without me saying anything ... they know. They know where I stand. That expectation is constant and especially so with the children. I want them treated well. Period.

 

Continue to demonstrate you're that person and things will eventually ease up. But, don't expect them to not be wary when you've given them reason to be wary.

 

Do you give your sibling the respect of taking seriously their opinion about the situation? Or do you only give credence to your own evaluation.

 

In any event, from what you described above I also take it that your approach is NOT to, essentially, harangue your sibling about it constantly, right? You make yourself understood to the offending party.

 

The dynamic you describe sounds really unpleasant and liable to become a source of tension in your siblings' relationships. Were you my inlaw I would avoid you as much as possible.

[SpiralOut]

 

 

Continue to demonstrate you're that person and things will eventually ease up. But, don't expect them to not be wary when you've given them reason to be wary.

 

I have given them no reason to be wary about how I treat their kids. The grandfather used to be physically abusive towards his own kids, and they don't seem to mind leaving their children alone with him. I've also witnessed the parents saying mean things to their kids. IMO, their concerns are misplaced and probably colored by their general dislike of me.

 

And my issue isn't about how wary they feel about me. They can feel however they like about me. My issue is with HOW they choose to voice their concerns. Like I said before, complaining about me all the time isn't going to fix anything.

Edited August 4, 2017 by SpiralOut

[kendahke]

They want the kids to be treated well too. That's a natural concern also.

 

She's not abusing them or yelling at them. Nowhere has OP indicated that she hates them and doesn't want them around her. She's just awkward with them and I'm quite sure, the parents are in close proximity to the children if their concern is that high. They're using their children as shields to excuse their hideous behavior.

 

Bottom line: OP is not obligated to run any gauntlet to appease them.

 

This is just some stupid pettiness on their part that their parents never snatched them up straight about and

 

Sibling or not, I'm not going to let mine crap all over someone I love nor am I going to let them into my business unless it's warranted--like I was being abused.

 

In their case, they are the ones who are abusing their brother's finances, not OP. The sister who owes the brother the money hasn't bothered to recompense him. OP DID pull her weight while she was out of work. She does contribute now that she's on her feet.

 

Complete apples and oranges here. What OP is doing is not even in the same universe as what his siblings are doing, blood or no.

 

I agree there's nothing wrong with being quiet, but .

 

But nothing. The siblings are completely out of line. They need to keep their noses in their own business. They are not owed anything in OP's relationship with their brother.

[SammySammy]

Do you give your sibling the respect of taking seriously their opinion about the situation? Or do you only give credence to your own evaluation.

 

In any event, from what you described above I also take it that your approach is NOT to, essentially, harangue your sibling about it constantly, right? You make yourself understood to the offending party.

 

The dynamic you describe sounds really unpleasant and liable to become a source of tension in your siblings' relationships. Were you my inlaw I would avoid you as much as possible.

 

Mistreat my brother, nieces, and nephews and you should avoid me. That's probably a good idea.

 

I have brothers with wives. There have been situations that I've thought were unacceptable and I talked to my brothers and their wives about them. It hasn't been often, but it has happened. Even if my brothers disagreed with me at first, both have talked to me later and admitted I was right. A couple of the things were serious matters and they adamantly defended their wives at the time. Even one of the wives later admitted things should have been done better and thanked me for speaking up. Likewise, I also admit that I could have gone about it in a different, more effective way. Nobody is claiming to be perfect here.

 

I'm not bullying or overbearing. I live several states away from them and rarely see them. Usually only on holidays.

 

Both of my sisters-in-law love me. I want the best for them also. Just like they were my sisters.

 

Familial relationships require reaching a level of understanding. Like I said, I generally stay out of their relationships. However, if I do say something - even if I'm wrong or go about it the wrong way - it is out of genuine concern.

[sandylee1]

OP, is it possible that you not being the same race as them is part of the issue?

 

On the kids thing.. .. They might be wondering how you'd deal with your own kids or if you want kids.

 

If my brother had a GF who was a bit off with my kids or who didn't engage with them, I would think about it.

 

When I was dating my husband, I met his nieces and was friendly and showed interest in them.

[lostmyshadow]

OP, is it possible that you not being the same race as them is part of the issue?

 

On the kids thing.. .. They might be wondering how you'd deal with your own kids or if you want kids.

 

If my brother had a GF who was a bit off with my kids or who didn't engage with them, I would think about it.

 

When I was dating my husband, I met his nieces and was friendly and showed interest in them.

 

I just wrote a long reply and it disappeared.

 

Condensed version: I can understand parents wanting potential in-laws to engage with their kids, but not every parent feels that way. The SIL (the one who has a 1-year old) is super understanding of the fact that I'm not great with kids. She doesn't take it personally.

 

And you know what... I bet if I were a man that it would be a non-issue. If a man doesn't want to hold a baby, it's not a big deal. If a woman doesn't, people look at her like she's a freak.

 

Yes, race may be an issue. Having kids is pretty much the most important thing in the world in their culture. NOT so in mine! I can't help but feel like they were hoping to have me on hand as a possible free babysitter. No thanks.

Edited August 5, 2017 by lostmyshadow

[fiskadoro]

Hi,

 

I wonder how much you have considered the racial/cultural issue. If I am correct, your boyfriend is Asian and you aren't? To them, that probably matters a lot, even if they don't realize it.

 

I am not Asian, but I lived in China for several years and most of my working career has been with Chinese and Koreans, who share some cultural traits. I speak and read Mandarin well, briefly attended a university there, and still travel to China frequently. Even with all this, it took me a long time to truly understand the difference between the way western people from homogenous (especially Asian) cultures/countries view things. Especially the way they view romantic and familial relationships. Even if your bf is "westernized" or born here, the fact that you mentioned him keeping up with family back home means he is straddling two different cultures, which is terribly hard to do.

 

Compared to standard US dynamics, Asian cultures prize indirectness, or what westerners would call passive-aggressiveness. It is even incorporated into their grammar structure! Your bf might like to have his ego massaged by complaining about you to the siblings, and they stroke his ego. Then he tells you about their complaints and you jump through hoops to "be a better gf". If you "solve" this problem, what will he find to replace this ego stroke? As others have pointed out, his behavior is manipulative and he may be too accustomed to these sorts of transactions to change.

 

Does he allude to culture being a barrier for him or for his siblings?

 

I met lots and lots of people (both westerners and Asians) who would use culture as a fallback for their own human failings. On the surface of things, culture can be a deal-breaker, but trust me when I say it: anyone who truly loves you will transcend this bullcrap decisively! The hard work that it takes to have a cross cultural/racial relationship can be very exhaustive, but if you really love someone, they will go that extra mile with gusto.

 

Good for you for realizing you are at a crossroads with your bf. Just recognize that not only is he setting you up for failure with what he has been doing, what will happen when he no longer gets the ego strokes from his siblings? I find it very odd that his siblings consider abusing future in-laws as a rite of passage. I would be wary, too, about feeling "guilty" that you owe him anything. He knows you feel guilt ridden, does he do anything to ease this burden you carry? If not, that is another red flag.

 

I don't know how to summarize things, sorry this is so long. Hope you got something out of it.

Edited August 5, 2017 by fiskadoro

[introverted1]

I think they began to dislike me about two years ago when I quit my job.

 

Long story short, it took me a while to get steady employment. I took on contract jobs for a while to help pay for things. But, my bf and I had discussed this ahead of time and he told me he was okay with me taking some time to get back on my feet.

 

I now work full-time. I have helped pay for bills every single month this year.

 

If you left your job 2 years ago, why have you only been paying for things this year, and why aren't you consistently paying rent? How long will it be before you can pay your 50% of living expenses and repay your bf?

[smackie9]

You two are still in the early stages, you only have been living together for a couple of years. I would just focus on your relationship and start distancing yourself from the trouble makers. Avoid any talk from them, disregard their bs, don't let them confront you, keep neutral and put on a smile when you have family get togethers.

 

IMO they do it to get a reaction....that's their way of control/manipulation. Don't play into it.

[lostmyshadow]

Hi,

 

I wonder how much you have considered the racial/cultural issue. If I am correct, your boyfriend is Asian and you aren't? To them, that probably matters a lot, even if they don't realize it.

 

Yes, I sometimes wonder if they have an issue with me being Caucasian, even though they claim that they don't. Me having a different value system has caused all sorts of misunderstandings.

 

I don't think it's just that though. One of the disliked in-laws is of the exact same race/culture. Another in-law is Asian, but not the same race/culture (still has many of the same core values, though). The third in-law is Spanish and he got it really rough. His wife didn't bother to set any boundaries with the siblings, either, which I find disturbing. If you count myself and the four actual in-laws, that makes 4 out of 5 people that the siblings complained about. Only one person was lucky enough to be left alone.

 

 

I met lots and lots of people (both westerners and Asians) who would use culture as a fallback for their own human failings...

 

I find it very odd that his siblings consider abusing future in-laws as a rite of passage.

 

I don't know how to summarize things, sorry this is so long. Hope you got something out of it.

Yeah, I sometimes wonder if "cultural difference" is what's really going on here.

 

I do find your advice helpful. Thank you!

 

 

You two are still in the early stages, you only have been living together for a couple of years. I would just focus on your relationship and start distancing yourself from the trouble makers. Avoid any talk from them, disregard their bs, don't let them confront you, keep neutral and put on a smile when you have family get togethers.

 

IMO they do it to get a reaction....that's their way of control/manipulation. Don't play into it.

 

Thank you. I'm actually finding it much easier to not care what they think now that I know they have acted the same way with other people too. Supposedly they will "gain respect" for me once I'm able to pay for more things (not like that's any of their business to begin with ). Good to know that their respect for a person depends so heavily on something like income. I don't need approval from someone like that.

Edited August 6, 2017 by lostmyshadow

[lostmyshadow]

As for an update, I did the Spartan race yesterday with my boyfriend. I didn't expect it to be such a fantastic bonding experience. That course was TOUGH. We stuck together and suffered together, and by the end of it we felt closer to each other than before we went in. To any couples who might be reading this, you should do the Spartan race together (or really anything that's scary and challenging).

 

I'm not naive enough to go prancing off into la-la land, but I think that things have taken a turn for the better. I also feel much better now that I've spent some time with my folks.

[coolheadal]

Let me start off by saying that just about everything about my relationship is good. My bf's parents approve of me. His friends like me, and I like them. He has met most of my family, and they get along.

 

But, his siblings don't like me. It's causing a lot of stress in the relationship. It probably wouldn't be a big deal if it weren't for the fact that he's close to them and we live in the same area, so we see them regularly. My own family lives 5 hours away, so I don't see them as often.

 

I think they began to dislike me about two years ago when I quit my job. It was a toxic workplace. I've had issues with depression/anxiety most of my life, and that job just made it even worse. I even had to go to a doctor who prescribed me meds, and I went to a counselor. I was living with my boyfriend, so quitting my job suddenly caused some financial strain, which I feel really bad about. Keep in mind though that I didn't give my notice at work without asking my bf if he was okay with me doing that. When I ask him now if I made a mistake, he tells me that he's glad I quit because he doesn't like how they treated me.

 

Long story short, it took me a while to get steady employment. I took on contract jobs for a while to help pay for things. I always paid for my own groceries, phone bill, etc. I couldn't pay rent every month, and I totally understand how bad that looks and why his family might be concerned. But, my bf and I had discussed this ahead of time and he told me he was okay with me taking some time to get back on my feet. Around this time, three of his siblings texted him telling him that his relationship with me "needs to be equal." One of the sisters who told him that owes him thousands of dollars and keeps going on trips every year instead of paying him back. Yet she criticized me about money. Okay then.

 

I now work full-time. I have helped pay for bills every single month this year. I treat my bf to lunch when I'm able to, buy things for the house, and I do pretty much all the cleaning around here. I still get criticized for things. His little sister got upset when I did not pay for his parking ticket. Sorry, but I just bought him a $100 ticket for an event. I might be working now, but I can't pay for everything. I want to earn more money and start paying other bills. I'm trying to save up for a trip to Cuba this winter and be able to pay for the entire thing as a way of thanking him. He did a lot for me and I want to return the favor. But it's like as soon as his siblings find out I didn't pay for this or that, I get criticized.

 

Anyway, I don't know how to deal with his siblings not liking me. They also don't like that I don't talk enough. I am a quiet person by nature. None of my other boyfriend's families ever had a problem with it. But with them, it's a big deal. They have been complaining to him about it since the first time they met me. I don't think they understand that I KNOW what they say about me and that it makes me even MORE uncomfortable around them, which makes it even MORE hard to talk to them. I get along okay with his one older brother and SIL. They are the only ones who haven't complained (not that I know of, anyway). I feel like they respect boundaries better than his other siblings.

 

How do I deal with my bfs siblings not liking me? They are too polite to be rude to my face, but it's really hard for me to go to his family dinners and sit there with a bunch of people who I know don't like me. The older sister even suggested to my bf that he not invite me to an important family dinner last month (he invited me anyway and I went). Is there anything I can do to make things better? Or should I just say that I'm busy whenever they invite me to things? My bf and me keep having arguments about it. Last night he told me to just focus on my own stuff and try not to worry what they think. But I'm really sensitive, so I don't know how to not care.

 

Why would you go into a house where everyone is against you. Stop doing this, as you can't please everyone. No one can change you no one can only yourself. To much drama how can you stand to live like this. Why do you stay with such a man. First I blame him for not standing up for you with his family. All this crap should be STOPPED if he doesn't do anything your going to walk and never turn back. Do not stay in a relationship like this because he's not putting you first if they're emotional abusing you. Sound like they're doing a very good job of it. If you don't get out of this now you'll be traumatized for the rest of your life. Slowly eating away at your self-esteem and then your confidence level is also affected. Stop arguing over his family as you will never win that argument because that's is flesh and blood your just his girl friend. Gets so messy doesn't it now you can see the picture! Do you get it?

[fiskadoro]

A Spartan race, grueling! You obviously take care of yourself and seem to be thoughtful about this relationship, don't get into waiting for the highs and then suffering the other times, waiting for those moments of grace. Relationships shouldn't be that much drama.

 

IMO, you also should be careful about waiting for things to go away on their own. Take smart, decisive and measured action, but know that time probably won't change this. Talking it through, establishing goals and barriers, pushing through resistance - none of those are fun or sexy, but they are very much worthwhile.

 

My dad's sister is a mooch and interfered in his marriage for decades, and he has very unhealthy relationship habits. He is lazy, used to disappear for weeks, and used to be a bit of a bully. Yet my mom put up with it, waited for it to change, commiserated with others for a long time... but never drew her red line, so to speak. For my parents, this year will be one of those milestone anniversaries that looks so loving and "awwwwww!!!" to outsiders, but I know differently. Things won't ever be perfect, but if he broke up with you recently and recanted, and you spend so much time ruminating on breaking up with him, somethings need to be adjusted. Sorry to say it.