boyfriend's siblings don't like me

[lostmyshadow]

 

Have you ever asked your bf if he has a problem with the financial situation or the fact that you're quiet?

Have you ever asked him why he feels the need to share his sibling's criticisms with you?

 

One day he says he is fine with the financial situation, the next day he isn't. Things were going really well (financially anyway) this year with me paying for more things and working more hours.

 

As for being quiet, he was okay with it until his family complained. He kept asking me to talk more so they could get to know me better.... but that just made me feel like he doesn't accept me. He finally said he accepts it, but I don't know if he really does.

 

If he broke up with you this relationship is on it's last legs so you better get your act together about your living situation.

 

 

Do you know how much you owe him? Are you willing to sign a binding contract promising to repay him? If yes, do that & move out. The family already doesn't like you do what difference does it make that they continue to think you used him. You know the truth.

 

 

I think smackie is onto something with her theory that he's fueling the fire rather than standing up for you. I had some family drama with my husband's aunts. DH & his parents took my side & shut the aunts down hard. That gave me a lot of peace of mind, which is what you are missing.

 

 

There are already too many people in your relationship -- you him & his siblings. Don't drag others into this. Keep your own counsel.

 

He claims that I don't need to pay him back. I never actually borrowed any money from him. I just didn't help out with bills for a while. But I think he would be upset if I didn't do at least something to make things up to him. I would certainly feel much better if I paid back what I should have paid him in rent. He hardly ever says what he really means, which I think is part of the problem.

 

I know of at least one instance where he told his older brother that I didn't pay rent for a couple of months. He was stressed out about money. However, that's not entirely my fault. He gives money to his family when he can't afford to do it, and then he freaks out the next week about how to pay a bill. He also tends to buy things he doesn't need, goes out to eat a lot, etc. I feel like I'm being blamed for something that's not entirely my fault. Oh, and he has a credit card that he's trying to pay off (the one he used to help out his sister, who owes him money and won't pay it back....not like that's my business, but I see how stressed out he gets over it).

[lostmyshadow]

I honestly saw this relationship working out long term. It really hurts to see that it's probably going to fail.

 

Anyway, I should get back to work. I'm having a horrible time concentrating on anything today. I feel like total crap.

[d0nnivain]

He hardly ever says what he really means, which I think is part of the problem.

 

 

It's exactly the problem. He's passive aggressive.

[kendahke]

 

He claims that I don't need to pay him back. I never actually borrowed any money from him. I just didn't help out with bills for a while. But I think he would be upset if I didn't do at least something to make things up to him. I would certainly feel much better if I paid back what I should have paid him in rent. He hardly ever says what he really means, which I think is part of the problem.]

 

Take the rent and utilities for however many months you stayed and didn't pay, halve that and pay him.

 

 

I know of at least one instance where he told his older brother that I didn't pay rent for a couple of months. He was stressed out about money. However, that's not entirely my fault. He gives money to his family when he can't afford to do it, and then he freaks out the next week about how to pay a bill.He also tends to buy things he doesn't need, goes out to eat a lot, etc. I feel like I'm being blamed for something that's not entirely my fault. Oh, and he has a credit card that he's trying to pay off (the one he used to help out his sister, who owes him money and won't pay it back....not like that's my business, but I see how stressed out he gets over it).

 

Don't let him direct his frustration at you when it's from his sister behind he needs to be taking a pound of flesh.

 

As far as these bills are concerned, they are not your concern. You just focus on what you used. He's a grown man and perhaps this is the life lesson he needs to learn about finances and being solvent.

[lostmyshadow]

Take the rent and utilities for however many months you stayed and didn't pay, halve that and pay him.

 

 

 

 

Don't let him direct his frustration at you when it's from his sister behind he needs to be taking a pound of flesh.

 

As far as these bills are concerned, they are not your concern. You just focus on what you used. He's a grown man and perhaps this is the life lesson he needs to learn about finances and being solvent.

 

Everything I just said here about his spending problems, I have told him directly already. He just sort of shrugs it off. He doesn't want to see it.

 

Should I talk to my parents before they come up this weekend? They are going to see both of us on Saturday... neither one of us wants to back out of the race, and the plan was for them to come see us run it. I think that might be awkward. But maybe it would be even more awkward to act like things are fine when they aren't. I don't know.

[lostmyshadow]

I just talked to him on the phone. He apologized for acting cold last night. He told me that the family stuff is stressing him out and that he's "going to have to tell them to back off." He brought it up himself without me asking or saying anything about it. He also said something about "or they're going to lose a son too." He wouldn't explain what he meant by that, but I'm guessing it's good news for me.

 

The relationship is still on shaky ground. But after what he just told me, I think it's worth trying to work out. I will still look into my other options just to be on the safe side.

[sandylee1]

Why is it that they know what's going on in your relationship?

 

I think your BF has caused this. They didn't need to know you quit your job... It's not their business.

 

If they didn't know anything about your relationship, then they would not have anything to say about it.

 

At least his parents like you and that would be more important to me. If your BF is happy with you and it's not going to affect his decision on taking your relationship to the next level, then I'd ignore them.

 

One of my husband's siblings doesn't like me, but it doesn't affect our relationship, because he's not so close to his siblings.

 

In my case I suspect his brother is jealous. Perhaps his sisters feel the same way.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Not an excuse, but siblings, if close enough, tend to vent to one another. I am with some others, your bf is likely the 'leaky' pipe that is fueling this resentment and hostility. The last phone call is a good sign, no? I hope he feels man enough to let his siblings know that they are out of line.

[sandylee1]

I very rarely speak negatively about my brother and sister in laws to my siblings.

 

The two times I did, my brother in law was out of order. He apologised to me.... I told my sister I wouldn't be going to her house again.

 

The other time, he went out and made a big purchase of household furniture without her involvement. She was furious... But would have let it go eventually if I didn't make her realise it was disrespectful... Otherwise I keep my thoughts to myself or discuss with my other siblings... We would be never tell the sibling concerned.

 

Like a pp said about his siblings and not liking his Ex... My Ex SIL irritated us sometimes.. We didn't hate her... And even after divorce we never told my brother this.. She's the mother of my niece and nephews.

 

 

You don't have a BF siblings problem... You have a BF problem.

 

He's feeding the fire and if his siblings are so influential in his life... You'll have this problem forever.

 

Think long and hard if this is what you want to deal with going forward.

[lostmyshadow]

Yeah, I hope he follows through on what he said. I'm not going to bother asking him anymore. He can either do it or not. If I don't see him making changes, it'll be time for me to go apartment hunting.

 

Oh, he also said that he's tired of them trying to make him feel like he made the wrong choice. WTF sort of siblings do that!! And yeah, jealousy might be a factor. He used to do A LOT to help his sisters. He still helps them, but not as much as before. Sometimes I wonder if they see me as someone taking away a resource. I mean, they seem to think I'm mooching from him, but what people say about others says more about themselves, right?

Edited August 3, 2017 by lostmyshadow

[Ieris]

So you blame the siblings and the siblings blame you yet the boyfriend is the one in the middle fanning the flames. There will be no fire if he was not bitching about you in the first place.

 

The thing is you didn't pull your weight, your boyfriend stepped up and supported you but instead of airing his grievances to you (which would make you feel guilty) he vented to his siblings instead. From the information he provided his siblings agreed that you weren't pulling your weight and then he came home to tell you that. Then you start hating on the siblings for stating a matter of fact?

 

The boyfriend is dropping hints to you and using his siblings as a shield, so I feel you are firing at the wrong target. Also if he is telling you what they say about you, he could also be telling them what you say about them. So I find it laughable that he now wants to play the fireman to put out the fire which he started in the first place.

[kendahke]

 

Should I talk to my parents before they come up this weekend?

 

Yes. I think you should.

[kendahke]

I just talked to him on the phone. He apologized for acting cold last night. He told me that the family stuff is stressing him out and that he's "going to have to tell them to back off." He brought it up himself without me asking or saying anything about it. He also said something about "or they're going to lose a son too." He wouldn't explain what he meant by that, but I'm guessing it's good news for me.

 

The relationship is still on shaky ground. But after what he just told me, I think it's worth trying to work out. I will still look into my other options just to be on the safe side.

 

And... ... he could be saying this because your dad is almost on his doorstep and he's trying to save his own butt and deflect his part in what he's brought on your head because he knows you're going to talk to your parents, which you should.

 

Trust me: if your parents weren't coming tomorrow, this conversation would not have happened. This is self preservation and not relationship preservation.

 

The proof would be for him to have already taken you to his family's home and tell them in front of you that their nonsense about you stops today, he'd tell his sister to pay up or he's taking her to small claims court to collect his money and him telling them that he is no longer their ATM--something that should have been said a long time before your parents arrive in town. No, he chose to argue with you, threaten to end your relationship and do everything else BUT address his family and his part in starting this conflagration.

 

Don't fall for this hail Mary pass. It's a maneuver on his part because he knows he's wrong.

Edited August 3, 2017 by kendahke

[lostmyshadow]

So you blame the siblings and the siblings blame you yet the boyfriend is the one in the middle fanning the flames. There will be no fire if he was not bitching about you in the first place.

 

The thing is you didn't pull your weight, your boyfriend stepped up and supported you but instead of airing his grievances to you (which would make you feel guilty) he vented to his siblings instead. From the information he provided his siblings agreed that you weren't pulling your weight and then he came home to tell you that. Then you start hating on the siblings for stating a matter of fact?

 

The boyfriend is dropping hints to you and using his siblings as a shield, so I feel you are firing at the wrong target. Also if he is telling you what they say about you, he could also be telling them what you say about them. So I find it laughable that he now wants to play the fireman to put out the fire which he started in the first place.

He said he was fine with me not pulling my weight for a while. So yeah, when he suddenly changed his mind, he should have said something to me. I just can't imagine saying something negative (or in this case, MANY negative comments) to a family member about their SO. That sort of thing is simply not acceptable in my family. So yeah, part of this is on his siblings, IMO. I think they are disrespectful. But you are right to say the majority of this is on him.

[lostmyshadow]

And... ... he could be saying this because your dad is almost on his doorstep and he's trying to save his own butt and deflect his part in what he's brought on your head because he knows you're going to talk to your parents, which you should.

 

Trust me: if your parents weren't coming tomorrow, this conversation would not have happened. This is self preservation and not relationship preservation.

 

 

Maybe. We are going to talk about it more tonight. I will see how much personal responsibility he is willing to take.

 

l already told him I want to pay him back in installments for the rent I should have paid (whether we stay together or not). I have told him that before and he told me not to. Just as I expected, he still doesn't want me to do that. I wish he would just accept it.

[guest569]

I just talked to him on the phone. He apologized for acting cold last night. He told me that the family stuff is stressing him out and that he's "going to have to tell them to back off." He brought it up himself without me asking or saying anything about it. He also said something about "or they're going to lose a son too." He wouldn't explain what he meant by that, but I'm guessing it's good news for me.

 

The relationship is still on shaky ground. But after what he just told me, I think it's worth trying to work out. I will still look into my other options just to be on the safe side.

 

I think it is completely reasonable that you would want to break up with him over this. It sounds as though he is turning around, but the damage has already been done. By him, 100%!

 

I think that you should keep making plans for yourself to get out. It doesn't sound as though you owe him money, and at this point who cares what he or his family think anymore. Don't throw money at him for their benefit or for their perception of you.. His behaviour is unacceptable and has destroyed an otherwise solid relationship (at least on the surface.. but it seems he is venting behind your back, painting a bad picture to his siblings and relaying their negativity to you!) given that you are nearby to his family and have these mutual friends, and a history of anxiety and depression, I can't help but wonder if moving back to your hometown near your parents will be a good move. Are you able to live with your parents? Are there many jobs back home? What you've been through is really tough and you need all the support you cn get.

 

Sort the finances, also if there is any free or cheap counselling it might help too. With regard to breaking it off, perhaps talk to family or counsellor first to get support and be firm with your decision. This has gone on for a long time and I wonder if the damage to the relationship can be reversed?

 

His comments above would give some hope, but are they empty words? Only time will tell. The fct he said they might "lose a son" makes me wonder if his parents are in on it too. It sounds like a really toxic family to be part of.

 

Also, quiet people are awesome. Screw them!

[kendahke]

Maybe. We are going to talk about it more tonight. I will see how much personal responsibility he is willing to take.

 

l already told him I want to pay him back in installments for the rent I should have paid (whether we stay together or not). I have told him that before and he told me not to. Just as I expected, he still doesn't want me to do that. I wish he would just accept it.

 

Open up an account and stash the money anyway. Once you're at the amount you need, you cut a check on the account in his name and give him the money. Case is closed.

 

I'll bet he takes that money.

[basil67]

I'm late joining in this thread, so many have already echoed my sentiments. In short, the problem here is not the siblings but your boyfriend.

 

He feeds them info which makes them dislike you, and then tells you how much they don't like you.

 

Your boyfriend is not remotely respectful of you.

[sandylee1]

You don't need his permission to give him money you feel you owe him. You just hand it over. Or do a bank transfer so that you have the proof.

 

I'm not sure how old you are, but I'd question whether this is really worth it.

 

Why would he tell you they questioned his choice. I think he's trying to keep you on your toes, which is very manipulative.

 

What you never actually hear, is what he tells them about you.

 

I couldn't be dealing with it all... Plenty other guys come without the hassle.

[lostmyshadow]

I think it is completely reasonable that you would want to break up with him over this. It sounds as though he is turning around, but the damage has already been done. By him, 100%!

 

I think that you should keep making plans for yourself to get out. It doesn't sound as though you owe him money, and at this point who cares what he or his family think anymore. Don't throw money at him for their benefit or for their perception of you.. His behaviour is unacceptable and has destroyed an otherwise solid relationship (at least on the surface.. but it seems he is venting behind your back, painting a bad picture to his siblings and relaying their negativity to you!) given that you are nearby to his family and have these mutual friends, and a history of anxiety and depression, I can't help but wonder if moving back to your hometown near your parents will be a good move. Are you able to live with your parents? Are there many jobs back home? What you've been through is really tough and you need all the support you cn get.

 

Sort the finances, also if there is any free or cheap counselling it might help too. With regard to breaking it off, perhaps talk to family or counsellor first to get support and be firm with your decision. This has gone on for a long time and I wonder if the damage to the relationship can be reversed?

 

His comments above would give some hope, but are they empty words? Only time will tell. The fct he said they might "lose a son" makes me wonder if his parents are in on it too. It sounds like a really toxic family to be part of.

 

Also, quiet people are awesome. Screw them!

 

Yes, quiet people are awesome.

 

I could live with my parents if I needed to. Even my aunt and uncle have told me I can stay with them anytime I need to. I don't want to have to depend on anyone. I already feel like a failure. But it might be good for me to stay with family. I have some old friends in my hometown I could get back in touch with too, which I think would help. I've had trouble establishing a social group here. As for a job, I work remotely and can do it from anywhere. I am thinking it may make sense to just stash all my furniture in a storage locker so I don't have to deal with all that stress of moving it from place to place.

 

I don't think his parents are in on it. He and his siblings tend to leave their parents out of their drama. And there is quite a lot of drama.

 

Believe it or not, we haven't been arguing over this for that long. I only realized this year that HE needs to stand up for me more.... and when I confronted him, that's when the fights started.

[lostmyshadow]

I feel stupid for wanting to try and make it work. But don't worry, I'm going to look into an exit strategy. I'm considering calling my folks tonight. I'll post an update later.

[OatsAndHall]

My former brother-in-law didn't care for me, at all. And, I didn't like him much either, for a variety of reasons. But, I just kept my trap shut about it, attended family events with my ex-wife and put up with his crap. He stuck his nose into my past life and personal business on one occasion and we had a heated conversation about it but that was the highlight of our bad relationship. And, I extended the olive branch and asked him to hang out, one on one a few times but he never took me up on it.

 

My ex-wife picked a fight about my relationship with him on several occasions and I told her that YES, I didn't care for him but that a) I had never been rude to him and b) I never put her in the middle or asked her not to spend time with him. And, she knew I had damn good reasons to dislike the guy so she backed off on it.

 

The moral of the story is this; it's pretty much out of your control. It sounds as if you are doing the right things so either his siblings need to get over it, your bf needs to step in and tell them to play nice or he needs to separate you from his relationship with them. It's his problem if he has decided to choose between you and his siblings and it doesn't need to be that way.

[basil67]

I know you want to keep trying to work with your boyfriend to fix this. But even if he stops sharing information, I can't see him being able to undo their dislike of you. Dislike which he encouraged.

 

He's crapped all over your relationship and I can't see the poop ever being properly cleaned up.

[act00]

This is a really, really tough situation.

 

First of all, he needs to tell his siblings to knock it off. He needs to create boundaries. You are here to stay (presumably), and they need back off. You are a united front. If they can't accept you and treat you well and quit their petty gossiping and trash-talk, they can very well remove themselves from you two as a couple.

 

BUT...with that, he has to make a choice, you or them. And they're close and get along. He really can't separate himself from his family. At least I can't see it that way. If they were toxic and horrible towards him in general and it is an all around bad situation, that's one thing, but to lose his family over a girlfriend (wife), when bonds are tight and things are well otherwise, is a totally different can o' worms, and this can lead to resentment. He will resent YOU.

 

You are not making him choose, but this is a choice that is up on the table.

 

If he can't create boundaries and stick up for you, you may really need to consider walking away. This situation will not get better. When they bring up petty annoyances from two years ago, there's something seriously wrong. I don't see this improving over time.

 

As a unit, finances can be a source of stress and contention. If you were married, the situation would have been the same, and financially uneven, and this is just life. It sounds like you did whatever you could financially and maintained the home and took on tasks that you could do during your period of unemployment. You don't come across as lounging all day while he has to work, shop, clean, etc. You had tremendous guilt, still do, but you certainly don't come across as a freeloader, and as a couple, a UNIT, you were together on this, though it was very stressful. Personally, I would worry less about the money and what you "owe." He agreed and took on this burden because he loved you.

 

I agree to develop an exit strategy. Make sure you are financially sound. Maybe this vacation to Cuba isn't the best choice, and scale it down to something less expensive. This can be emergency money if you need it, if you break up before you can actually take the trip, and you can certainly use it to cover some expense for him as you exit.

 

The biggest issue I see is HIM because he's not telling his siblings to stop their behavior and petty criticism and judgement. You're here to stay and they had better start behaving better. He really shouldn't share what they say, either, and he should shut them down if they start up.

[kendahke]

I could live with my parents if I needed to. Even my aunt and uncle have told me I can stay with them anytime I need to. I don't want to have to depend on anyone. I already feel like a failure.

 

You are never a failure when you wake up to the disrespect someone is shoving down your throat and decide that your well being eclipses whatever he thinks or tells their siblings so he can find out from them what he should think.

 

You're not living with them with no end-game in sight. It's just until you find your own place and can move in.

 

Depend on those you can depend on because not having someone you can depend on will make you rue the day you put your pride ahead of your own well being and sanity. Right now, you're with a guy who doesn't respect you and isn't mature enough to be in the type of relationship you're in. He needs his sibling's approval more than he needs you.