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Does he care about our relationship or takes me for granted

PeanutButter88

By PeanutButter88
in Long-Distance Relationships

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PeanutButter88 Member

PeanutButter88

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We have been together for more than 1.5y. We have been doing for all this time long distance (4-5h journey away) and see each other twice a month.

Lately we have had issues due to the way my boyfriend treated me in some of our weekends together with his friends. As a result let's say that I feel that he cares about me when his friends are not around.

 

Now we got into another argument: i work in a country that give me almost no vacation days while he works in one that gives him a huge number (more than 80).

 

I have in summer 3 long weekends of 3-4 days which for me are sacred as they are the only weekends where i can leave with him on vacation. Recently he told me that he would go with me on vacation on those weekends provided that no one in his family or close corcle of friends gets married. In which case he we woukd have 3 weddings o. My three weekends he would ditch me no questions asked.

I understand family and i understand close friends. But when i asked him how many people he considered close friends he answered more than 30 easy.

Now this is a whole new problem because I am now being put behind 30 people. I know that you cannot be close friends to more than 5-6 people at a time. Hell i am close to 1-2 people.

I know that it is important to go tk the weddings of your close friends and I respect this and agree. But no one has 30 close friends.he talks regularly to 5-6 people during the week not 30.

 

In this situation I am just left alone, doing the sacrificies while he gets all he wants. Is it bad to ask him that of the situation arose that he would have 3 weddings on my long weekends of friends to drop one of them so that we can actually leave together?

I am not talking about family weddings. Just about the 30 people he calls "closes friends".

Thank you for reading through and helping me out

umirano Established Member

umirano

Posted
Posted

You're definitely right feeling sidelined. He should not be putting you behind 30 other people. LDRs are challenging and both partners need to make extra sacrifices for it to work. Could him taking you to the wedding be part of a compromise? In my country weddings are planned a year or so ahead of time. Doesn't he know now when he's free?

Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted (edited)

I don't even understand. DOES he actually have 3 weddings on at the exact 3 weekends you have off (which would be an incredible coincidence) or is this all hypothetical conjecture? :confused:

 

I don't think you could say that "you are being put behind 30 people" just because he would prioritize going to their weddings. I don't know about your culture, but in mine weddings are a BIG deal, as big a deal as funerals. There are a lot of people whom, if they got married or lost a family member, my SO or I would've ditched our vacation plans to attend the wedding/funeral. Because it's a once (or at most a few times)-in-a-lifetime thing. That doesn't mean other people are being put ahead of you, the circumstances matter. If he would ditch your vacation because his buddies are planning a vacation, then yes, I would agree with you.

 

But I'm still really confused about the whole hypothetical wedding thing. What's up with that? It sounds a bit like he might be searching for excuses, what are the odds that THREE couples would have a last-minute wedding during the THREE weekends you have off a year?!

Edited by Elswyth
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PeanutButter88 Member

PeanutButter88

Posted
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Posted
We have been together for more than 1.5y. We have been doing for all this time long distance (4-5h journey away) and see each other twice a month.

Lately we have had issues due to the way my boyfriend treated me in some of our weekends together with his friends. As a result let's say that I feel that he cares about me when his friends are not around.

 

Now we got into another argument: i work in a country that give me almost no vacation days while he works in one that gives him a huge number (more than 80).

 

I have in summer 3 long weekends of 3-4 days which for me are sacred as they are the only weekends where i can leave with him on vacation. Recently he told me that he would go with me on vacation on those weekends provided that no one in his family or close corcle of friends gets married. In which case he we woukd have 3 weddings o. My three weekends he would ditch me no questions asked.

I understand family and i understand close friends. But when i asked him how many people he considered close friends he answered more than 30 easy.

Now this is a whole new problem because I am now being put behind 30 people. I know that you cannot be close friends to more than 5-6 people at a time. Hell i am close to 1-2 people.

I know that it is important to go tk the weddings of your close friends and I respect this and agree. But no one has 30 close friends.he talks regularly to 5-6 people during the week not 30.

 

In this situation I am just left alone, doing the sacrificies while he gets all he wants. Is it bad to ask him that of the situation arose that he would have 3 weddings on my long weekends of friends to drop one of them so that we can actually leave together?

I am not talking about family weddings. Just about the 30 people he calls "closes friends".

Thank you for reading through and helping me out

 

Update based on the replies:

He offered to bring me to the weddings. The thing is that for me as part of the LDR it is important that we use at least of on those long weekends to travel together. We do not see each other as much as a normal relationship and therefore for me those we are important to know each other better.

The 3 weddings falling on the 3 long we were hypothetical. He told me that we would always leave together to long we unless there is a wedding of one of the 30 or more people if feels close to. He then explained that even if there are weddings every weekend we have for our plans he would go to the wedding.

As explained i understand that you need to go to the weddings of your close friends. But is thwre such a thing as 30 close friends? I just feel like what i want (e g a vacationtogether is just being left behind... especially when he goes on vacation woth his friends for 10 days

Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted
Update based on the replies:

He offered to bring me to the weddings. The thing is that for me as part of the LDR it is important that we use at least of on those long weekends to travel together. We do not see each other as much as a normal relationship and therefore for me those we are important to know each other better.

The 3 weddings falling on the 3 long we were hypothetical. He told me that we would always leave together to long we unless there is a wedding of one of the 30 or more people if feels close to. He then explained that even if there are weddings every weekend we have for our plans he would go to the wedding.

As explained i understand that you need to go to the weddings of your close friends. But is thwre such a thing as 30 close friends? I just feel like what i want (e g a vacationtogether is just being left behind... especially when he goes on vacation woth his friends for 10 days

 

But why are you tormenting yourself over all this? I mean, the odds of 3 out of those 30 people having last-minute weddings on all 3 of your weekends off is infinitesimal! You would have better odds of one of you dying in a car crash on the way to work...

 

I get wanting to see "proof" that your partner loves you, especially in LDRs where they aren't there, but conjuring up hypothetical situations with tiny odds is really not the way to do it IMO. Firstly, talk is cheap - anyone can say anything about what they'd do, doesn't mean they'd do it when push comes to shove.

 

Secondly, this just feels really pointless and obscure to me. I'm sorry, it really does. I've been in a LDR so I understand the mental somersaults it sometimes entails, but you really need to let this one go. Focus instead on what he DOES for you on a daily basis and during his visits (and on the time/effort/money he puts towards seeing you as often as he can). If the way he treats you while around friends is unsatisfactory to you, talk to him about THAT. Don't just conjure up hypothetical scenarios to try and make yourself feel better about that.

 

IF 3/30 of those people all of a sudden decide to have last-minute weddings that just so happen to fall on your 3 weekends, you can cross the 0.00001% bridge when you come to it. (And frankly if he did tell you later that this happened, I would do a bit of extra investigation into the truth of the claim, because the odds are ridiculously low)

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PeanutButter88 Member

PeanutButter88

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Posted
But why are you tormenting yourself over all this? I mean, the odds of 3 out of those 30 people having last-minute weddings on all 3 of your weekends off is infinitesimal! You would have better odds of one of you dying in a car crash on the way to work...

 

I get wanting to see "proof" that your partner loves you, especially in LDRs where they aren't there, but conjuring up hypothetical situations with tiny odds is really not the way to do it IMO. Firstly, talk is cheap - anyone can say anything about what they'd do, doesn't mean they'd do it when push comes to shove.

 

Secondly, this just feels really pointless and obscure to me. I'm sorry, it really does. I've been in a LDR so I understand the mental somersaults it sometimes entails, but you really need to let this one go. Focus instead on what he DOES for you on a daily basis and during his visits (and on the time/effort/money he puts towards seeing you as often as he can). If the way he treats you while around friends is unsatisfactory to you, talk to him about THAT. Don't just conjure up hypothetical scenarios to try and make yourself feel better about that.

 

IF 3/30 of those people all of a sudden decide to have last-minute weddings that just so happen to fall on your 3 weekends, you can cross the 0.00001% bridge when you come to it. (And frankly if he did tell you later that this happened, I would do a bit of extra investigation into the truth of the claim, because the odds are ridiculously low)

 

Hi Elswyth

I guess you are right. It's been a tough time in our couple recently and he has given me cause for doubt on whether or not I mean something to him or not.

He has acknowledged that he was recently less thoughtful/caring towards me.

 

I guess i wanted proof that he wasnt bull****ting me on his true feelings.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted

Eh? You're arguing and fretting over a hypothetical?

 

What's really eating at you, OP? It is a complete waste to fight over something that may not ever happen. Usually this means you are upset about something else and projecting.

 

Do you feel he's just losing interest in the relationship?

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umirano Established Member

umirano

Posted
Posted

We have to arrange ourselves with many things in our lives, they're dictated and beyond our control. Whether we are in a relationship with a complicated, undecided, uncommitted(?) person is one of the decisions that we can make.

 

I suggest you take a long, hard look at your boyfriend and how he's trying to find a compromise with you.

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