LotusAvx Posted August 3, 2017 Posted August 3, 2017 I went on a date with this guy that works in the same building as me. We had a great date and a really good time. We ended up going back to his place, since he lives also a few buildings over from me. We just had a few drinks and played board games and he was really cool! Then his friend (who is a girl) gets there. I was just assuming that she dropped by early, because he told me they were going to a friends party later. We all hung out, played games and had a good time. When I went to use his washroom, he showed me where it was and we ended up making out a little. I didn't think anything of it. Then, I get back to the living room, they are both talking in the kitchen. All of a sudden, he tells me how they are in an "open" relationship, and that she didn't like that him and I were kissing, and that I have to leave. I was shocked! I asked him why he didn't tell me right away, and just got up and left, feeling humiliated. I don't know what the goal was here: if they wanted a threesome, or if they were polyamorous and sort of "feeling me out". But I told him that either way that he should have been honest with me from the very beginning. I have never been in a situation like this before, and I am humiliated, but I feel like he is in the wrong for not telling me right away. We were having a great date, and I didn't think anything of his "friend" dropping by, but I had no idea that she was scoping me out.
fred123 Posted August 3, 2017 Posted August 3, 2017 I went on a date with this guy that works in the same building as me. We had a great date and a really good time. We ended up going back to his place, since he lives also a few buildings over from me. We just had a few drinks and played board games and he was really cool! Then his friend (who is a girl) gets there. I was just assuming that she dropped by early, because he told me they were going to a friends party later. We all hung out, played games and had a good time. When I went to use his washroom, he showed me where it was and we ended up making out a little. I didn't think anything of it. Then, I get back to the living room, they are both talking in the kitchen. All of a sudden, he tells me how they are in an "open" relationship, and that she didn't like that him and I were kissing, and that I have to leave. I was shocked! I asked him why he didn't tell me right away, and just got up and left, feeling humiliated. I don't know what the goal was here: if they wanted a threesome, or if they were polyamorous and sort of "feeling me out". But I told him that either way that he should have been honest with me from the very beginning. I have never been in a situation like this before, and I am humiliated, but I feel like he is in the wrong for not telling me right away. We were having a great date, and I didn't think anything of his "friend" dropping by, but I had no idea that she was scoping me out. i can't really answer this as i dont know the rules but my question is do you have any right to know what he does or doesn't do seeing as you aren't exclusive?
Author LotusAvx Posted August 3, 2017 Author Posted August 3, 2017 It was a first date, I don't mind what he does at all since I barley know him, but pulling that on someone out of nowhere is kind of ridiculous. Telling me immediately would saved me a lot of confusion
grays Posted August 3, 2017 Posted August 3, 2017 I would be very disappointed, but I dont really see any humiliation here. Can you explain? 1
Author LotusAvx Posted August 3, 2017 Author Posted August 3, 2017 it was the fact that out of no where, he just told me told leave. everything came out of no where, and having someone tell you that is what they were looking for all along and then telling you to just get out is pretty humiliating to me. i don't know 1
bachdude Posted August 3, 2017 Posted August 3, 2017 I can see why you would feel humiliated. On the one hand, a relationship with this guy seems to be progressing and you make out around the corner, only to be asked the next moment "to leave" because, much to your surprise, there is another women in the picture, and she is standing right there and doesn't approve!! Whoa, pretty unexpected! Gads, I imagine most would leave with a shocked look on their face. It's bizarre OP. You basically made out with this guy wihile his GF was in the other room. Yes, it's an open relationship, but it's still his GF. And he obviously immediately told her and she didn't like it, for whatever reason. Yeah, kind of embarrassing, shocking, humiliating...however you want to label it. The reality is, he owed you an explaination of his situation before it progressed to swapping spit, especially since his GF was right around the corner. According to some here, basic courtesy and humanity are not necessary before "exclusivity", apparently. And the way he handled it was rude too. He obviously didn't think he owed you any sort of apology or anything. You just have "to leave". Oh, you're not exclusive so it's OK. Sorry forgot! 2
Miss Spider Posted August 3, 2017 Posted August 3, 2017 Oh how awkward. yea this is the kind of thing you should disclose beforehand
bluefeather Posted August 3, 2017 Posted August 3, 2017 I think that was a real jerk thing for both of them to do to you. Both of them were dishonest with you. Sorry you had to go through that, but imagine the awkward discussion they probably had with eachother after you left :S The guy kissed you and that set the girl off to the point of commanding him to throw you out... Open relationship my a$$, that does not sound like it will last. Chalk it up as one of the weirder experiences of your life, and be glad that you walked away from that mess. 1
coolheadal Posted August 3, 2017 Posted August 3, 2017 I went on a date with this guy that works in the same building as me. We had a great date and a really good time. We ended up going back to his place, since he lives also a few buildings over from me. We just had a few drinks and played board games and he was really cool! Then his friend (who is a girl) gets there. I was just assuming that she dropped by early, because he told me they were going to a friends party later. We all hung out, played games and had a good time. When I went to use his washroom, he showed me where it was and we ended up making out a little. I didn't think anything of it. Then, I get back to the living room, they are both talking in the kitchen. All of a sudden, he tells me how they are in an "open" relationship, and that she didn't like that him and I were kissing, and that I have to leave. I was shocked! I asked him why he didn't tell me right away, and just got up and left, feeling humiliated. I don't know what the goal was here: if they wanted a threesome, or if they were polyamorous and sort of "feeling me out". But I told him that either way that he should have been honest with me from the very beginning. I have never been in a situation like this before, and I am humiliated, but I feel like he is in the wrong for not telling me right away. We were having a great date, and I didn't think anything of his "friend" dropping by, but I had no idea that she was scoping me out. You were used and you got played by the both of them. Nothing you can do about it. Just move on and forget it. I hope you do not work with him in the same company. You just aid the same building. Do not have anything to do with this jerk. Liar he is, open cheater and I am sure you not the first one either. This crap is so common today. I had this happen to me with a woman I met off FB 2 years ago. I was rushed out her house because her boy friend was coming home. I wish never to be in a situation like that ever again.
Author LotusAvx Posted August 3, 2017 Author Posted August 3, 2017 yeah, and what really bothered me too was how he lied. During the date we talked, very causally, about what we're looking for. He said nothing serious, because he just got out of a 7 month relationship -- wouldn't this have been the perfect opportunity to tell me?! And the fact that she came over right when we got back to his place and he introduced her as his "friend"
coolheadal Posted August 3, 2017 Posted August 3, 2017 yeah, and what really bothered me too was how he lied. During the date we talked, very causally, about what we're looking for. He said nothing serious, because he just got out of a 7 month relationship -- wouldn't this have been the perfect opportunity to tell me?! And the fact that she came over right when we got back to his place and he introduced her as his "friend" He had lied about getting out of a 7 month relationship, because you know now he's still in that 7 month relationship. He doesn't have to tell you anything he can do whatever he pleases. These two are open to fun and games. It's a shame you got mess-up like this. I hope it doesn't cause you issues. Try to forget this. Also try not to fall into these so call casual date traps. I see that his girl friend didn't care for you or something he did with you troubled her to push you out like that so fast. Just have to forget and never speak to this jerk again. That's the important part here. If he stalks you call the police on him.
Steve51 Posted August 3, 2017 Posted August 3, 2017 He should not have ambushed you like that. My wife is bi and we only invited women she was friends with who wanted to have sex with me. She used me as bait. Her best friend really fit in since we discovered that she is bi and my wife now had a girlfriend to have sex with. We moved her into our home and she was in our life for 30 years. The other women were usually visiting or staying over for the weekend. Friends since our teens. A little pot and wine loosened us all up and then my wife would say something about being horny and asked her friends if they wanted to join us. They all did. We never ambushed anyone. We had women over that we would have liked to have a threesome with but they gave no indication of being sexually adventurous so we kept it social. I tried to get women but either they did not believe that my wife was OK with it or thought it was weird to have sex with me while my wife was in bed with us. You would be surprised at how many women, married or single was bi-curious. They liked to try it out in a threesome because there was a man, me, there with them so it did not feel like lesbian sex, as one put it. If they did not like my wife's attention, they could just focus on me. My wife was very sensitive to the other woman's reaction and would rather err on the side of caution then do something that the other woman did not like. Not everyone lives a monogamous life with a 50/50 chance of divorce. We are married for 45 years and became monogamous 7 years ago due to age. Yet we appear as a normal happily married conservative couple. 1
HarmonyDriven Posted August 3, 2017 Posted August 3, 2017 Wow! Yikes! I don't think you should feel humiliated.....awkward = yes. Yes, he should have said something when you were discussing relationship topics. Shame on him. At least it was only one date. Chalk it up to a learning experience. Maybe you can laugh about it one day. I doubt you will encounter another scenario like this. No need to beat yourself up over this.....his/her loss....right I'd go for no contact on this one.....
Sara1989 Posted August 3, 2017 Posted August 3, 2017 One day you will look back on this moment and find it funny, it be a story you can tell for years.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 3, 2017 Posted August 3, 2017 Well, that is indeed very strange. My honest guess? It's not an open relationship, but she's an ex or someone else he dates, and they've been trying to make it work. She came over not realizing you were a date and not a friend and when she heard he kissed you, she freaked. In my experience, knowing a few poly folks, this likely isn't that type of arrangement unless they're complete newbies to the poly world.
Andy_K Posted August 3, 2017 Posted August 3, 2017 i can't really answer this as i dont know the rules but my question is do you have any right to know what he does or doesn't do seeing as you aren't exclusive? He has a duty to inform her of things like this either as soon as it becomes apparent that her motives/morals don't align with his, or if his situation is something you'd naturally expect most people to be uncomfortable with, then at the earliest suitable opportunity for disclosure. Anything else is a deliberate deception - lying by omission.
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