if you aren't exclusive

[fred123]

if you aren't exclusive you are allowed to date other people and sleep with other people right?

Especially if the girl you are seeing specifically says to you that she doesn't want exclusivity.

 

So if you then go and date other girls/sleep with other girls do you tell the person you are seeing that you will now go and do that? What if she asks what are you doing tonight and you reply " I'm going to see a friend". And she keeps asking who the friend is or is it a date?

 

iv bene in these situations a few times over the years now and i still can't get a handle on how to deal with it maturely and properly.

 

do you tell the truth and say yes I'm sleeping or going on a date tonight?

[HarmonyDriven]

If you are not in an exclusive relationship, then yes - both parties date others if they wish.

 

If both parties understand they are not exclusive, it stands to reason that both parties will be dating other people while dating each other.

 

If she asks you out on Friday and you have plans with another woman, you say "I have plans." If she inquires further, "I have a date." Leave it at that. If for some reason she keeps pressing for more info, tell her " I don't kiss and tell." No need to tell her "I have plans to have sex with so and so."

 

Whatever you do, don't go into detail about your dates with other people. I am sure you don't wish to hear about her other dates....?

 

If you both are sleeping with each other and other people, please practice safe sex.

[fred123]

If you are not in an exclusive relationship, then yes - both parties date others if they wish.

 

If both parties understand they are not exclusive, it stands to reason that both parties will be dating other people while dating each other.

 

If she asks you out on Friday and you have plans with another woman, you say "I have plans." If she inquires further, "I have a date." Leave it at that. If for some reason she keeps pressing for more info, tell her " I don't kiss and tell." No need to tell her "I have plans to have sex with so and so."

 

Whatever you do, don't go into detail about your dates with other people. I am sure you don't wish to hear about her other dates....?

 

If you both are sleeping with each other and other people, please practice safe sex.

 

thanx for the reply.

what about if the girl doesn't want to be exclusive but declares she's not seeing other people because she doesn't want to or has the time. do you feel guilty if you date others still , are you allowed to?

[HarmonyDriven]

If you want to be in an exclusive relationship and she does not want to, then she is not the right person for you.

 

If she does not want an exclusive relationship but does not feel like dating others, you do what you want - date or not date others.

 

It seems weird to me she would want to date you, but not be exclusive or wanting to date others. Odd. In essence, she is kind of exclusive without being exclusive.

 

Is this what YOU want?

[fred123]

no i was just asking how as a guy you handle these situations.

what is the meaning of exclusive? you can be exclusive but still maybe only see each other once a month say?

 

is that still exclusive?

[HarmonyDriven]

Exclusive - restricted/limited to one person, thing, group

 

To be exclusive, both parties must be on the same page. Exclusivity terms (ie how many times you see each other in any given week or month) are up to the parties involved.

[fred123]

whats the point in being exclusive if you hardly ever see the person or do anything?

[HarmonyDriven]

Exactly! I agree, what is the point? I would not be involved with a person as the one you have described.

 

But as the saying goes, different strokes for different folks.....did I just age myself....hahahahah

[grays]

I like my partners to be very open about what theyre up to. Most guys cant stand to tho. They go out of their way to make me feel like im the special/only one and then I get blindsided by whats actually going on when i find out. I can almost always handle the facts. Of course i dont need a ton of detail, but i do wanna know a little something about who/how many/how serious they are.

[fred123]

I like my partners to be very open about what theyre up to. Most guys cant stand to tho. They go out of their way to make me feel like im the special/only one and then I get blindsided by whats actually going on when i find out. I can almost always handle the facts. Of course i dont need a ton of detail, but i do wanna know a little something about who/how many/how serious they are.

 

it wouldn't piss you off or hurt you?

[Gr8fuln2020]

fred123,

 

If you are not exclusive then you can date whomever you wish. When a person tells you that she or he doesn't want to be exclusive, but is not dating others is probably lying to keep you tethered/interested until she finds someone else. If a woman told me she didn't want exclusivity that means she wants to keep her options open and possibly date others sooner or later.

 

I was in an exclusive relationship where I saw the lady only one weekend a month. I worked out well enough until a certain point and then I decided it wasn't worth it. It is much easier to have regular and more frequent opps to meet, of course.

[fred123]

fred123,

 

If you are not exclusive then you can date whomever you wish. When a person tells you that she or he doesn't want to be exclusive, but is not dating others is probably lying to keep you tethered/interested until she finds someone else. If a woman told me she didn't want exclusivity that means she wants to keep her options open and possibly date others sooner or later.

 

I was in an exclusive relationship where I saw the lady only one weekend a month. I worked out well enough until a certain point and then I decided it wasn't worth it. It is much easier to have regular and more frequent opps to meet, of course.

 

Why were you in an exclusive relationship where you only saw each other once a mo nth? Whose idea was that?! Isnt the idea of exclusivity meaning you are trying to see and get serious into a relationship and doing dates more than once a week and coupley things etc?

[Gr8fuln2020]

Why were you in an exclusive relationship where you only saw each other once a mo nth? Whose idea was that?! Isnt the idea of exclusivity meaning you are trying to see and get serious into a relationship and doing dates more than once a week and coupley things etc?

 

Exclusivity is not about how often you meet. It was a LDR and it worked for us. Our time during our weekends were very productive and our time away also productive. We communicated daily.

[Bastile]

if you aren't exclusive you are allowed to date other people and sleep with other people right?

Especially if the girl you are seeing specifically says to you that she doesn't want exclusivity.

 

So if you then go and date other girls/sleep with other girls do you tell the person you are seeing that you will now go and do that? What if she asks what are you doing tonight and you reply " I'm going to see a friend". And she keeps asking who the friend is or is it a date?

 

iv bene in these situations a few times over the years now and i still can't get a handle on how to deal with it maturely and properly.

 

do you tell the truth and say yes I'm sleeping or going on a date tonight?

 

Women don't inquire.

 

They seriously don't. I've gotten away with murder, based on that.

 

Just say that you are busy. Make any old excuse. 95% do not push any further than that. If one does push further, it's because she is already really high interest (therefore already on the hook anyway), or she is very masculine/dominant and you should really be thinking of dumping her.

 

Btw, who said you need to be "mature about it". What's "maturity" got to do with anything?

 

One of the biggest criticisms that girls have given me after we break up is that "I was being immature". That had no baring on attraction at all. It's just something getting used to control you into certain behaviours, and can be completely ignored.

[fred123]

Exclusivity is not about how often you meet. It was a LDR and it worked for us. Our time during our weekends were very productive and our time away also productive. We communicated daily.

 

I guess you didnt want things to progress into a relationship?

[Gr8fuln2020]

I guess you didnt want things to progress into a relationship?

 

Oh, no, my friend! It became a full-blown relationship and then some! I ended it b/c of other issues.

[Andy_K]

Generally I avoid multi-dating so I don't have to deal with grey areas like this, but in this situation it's a bit more easy:

 

Especially if the girl you are seeing specifically says to you that she doesn't want exclusivity.

 

She's made her bed at this point. If she has specifically told you she doesn't want exclusivity, then she's should expect that you'll go on dates with others. As such, if you've got a date there's no need to be elusive with the 'friend' line, just say you've got a date. You need say no more than that, because it's personal.

 

As for whether to disclose if you're sleeping with anyone else or not, if she asks then be honest (as it may affect decisions on using protection, getting tested etc), otherwise you can keep your personal situation to yourself.

[Tribble]

For me, it's very clear. There is a difference between exclusivity and being in a relationship. Exclusivity means you are only seeing/ dating/ talking intimately with/ having sex with one person. This does not mean you are in a relationship. Sure, you might progress to one, but it isn't a sure fire thing. Heck, you can be exclusive to a FWB (as in you're only sleeping with that person), but it doesn't mean you're in a relationship.

 

Personally, I date to have a relationship. Therefore, I would want exclusivity fairly early on so we can get to know each other without the distraction of other people and decide if we want a relationship. Not everyone is like this however.

 

I think the confusion comes when people either A) get relationships and exclusivity mixed up or B) people aren't entirely honest with what they want.

[SammySammy]

To do it successfully, I've learned to be honest, but discreet.

 

Lose the word "dating". I use that word on this site, but, in real life, I haven't been on a "date" in many years. I'm "going out" instead. Let her know that you go out with many people. Some female. And, if she and you choose to, adults may do what adults do. The difference is subtle, but it seems to take some of the pressure off in certain situations.

 

Tell her the truth. Let her know that it may happen.

 

On the other hand, don't kiss and tell. Don't tell what you do with her to others. Don't tell her what you do with others.

 

The combination - being honest in general terms, but not talking about specifics - has worked best for me over the years. Women who are open to multi-dating seem to appreciate a man who can do both - be honest and discreet.

[elaine567]

I thought you were in the UK.

Multi-dating is still not the norm* in the UK, so I guess any girl you are dating will assume exclusivity unless you state otherwise as opposed to the US model where all is fair game until you declare exclusivity.

Unless you make it very clear at the start you are a multi-dater and she is OK with that, then you lay yourself open to being called a player, or a dreadful two timer or worse...

*depends on location, demographics, etc.

[grays]

it wouldn't piss you off or hurt you?

 

It would piss me off and hurt me to not have all the info. This is a long story but it really shows why its good for all parties to have all the information:

 

For about six months now Ive been spending several nights a week w a guy who im not exclusive with, Joe. Hes 15 years younger and wants kids so LTR makes no sense. I was seeing other people and I told him about it, that Im dating others and a little bit about those other relationships. I hoped it would encourage him to do the same. I never came out and asked for specifics from him. I felt like I didnt want to make him feel uncomfortable and he did seem uncomfortable. I just assumed he either was dating others or felt free to (hes a busy guy so was possible he didnt have time).

 

A couple of months ago I met a new guy, Tony, who was close to my age and there was a spark. Then I started to worry that I just didnt have enough time to date both of them. So I asked Joe to go to a thing with my friends because I was trying to save a free night for the other guy. He hadnt met my friends before. He FREAKED out and didnt text me for over two days bc he felt like i was trying to escalate the relationship.

 

Obviously the opposite was true. I was trying to multi-task (friends and Joe on the same night) because I was excited about seeing Tony on a free night.

 

When I confronted him and said not texting me was a POS move, he said, "i was just afraid you were going to stop dating other people for me." I cant fathom why he woulda thought that. I think all guys think we women are always just about to fall over the edge for them (which btw is very offensive). In fact, in all my searching in the three years ive bedn single, there has been no one ive been that way about.

 

Anyway, I ended up getting this crazy trickle truth from him bc apparently he was too afraid to tell me earlier... Sends me this text: "Im kinda talking to a lady my age who also wants to have kids." It turns out they arent kinda talking, they are ****ing engaged and making serious plans to have babies. And, the kicker, he knew her before we got together. So he had tons of time and opportunity to tell me. And if i had known all along it wouldnt have bedn hurtful. It might have been disappointing, but not hurtful.

 

So he didnt wanna tell me upfront bc he apparently thought i was so stuck on him that it would cause me some kind of grief. But what he did was mislead me so that I did feel like we were closer and more to each other than the reality, made me feel awful for 2+ days while not texting me back (i cannot express how ****ty that made me feel), then made me feel more ****ty with his trickling half truths.

 

So he and i got back on track, and were still spending several nights a week together, until about two days ago when he left for 20 days to drive up the coast with his new baby mama. When he was leaving my place that morning, he came back three times for one last kiss. But still, Im the one who is so fragile and must be protected from the truth bc I might fall in love with him and feel horrible.

 

The thing is, if I came back for goodbye kisses three times hed have to not text me for a few days, right??? That is the thing that makes me feel so disrespected. That he felt i couldnt handle the truth. Im a big girl. And lies are always more trouble.

 

Btw, future baby mama has known about me since before he and I ever met face to face. They are open for now because she lives far away.

[fred123]

It would piss me off and hurt me to not have all the info. This is a long story but it really shows why its good for all parties to have all the information:

 

For about six months now Ive been spending several nights a week w a guy who im not exclusive with, Joe. Hes 15 years younger and wants kids so LTR makes no sense. I was seeing other people and I told him about it, that Im dating others and a little bit about those other relationships. I hoped it would encourage him to do the same. I never came out and asked for specifics from him. I felt like I didnt want to make him feel uncomfortable and he did seem uncomfortable. I just assumed he either was dating others or felt free to (hes a busy guy so was possible he didnt have time).

 

A couple of months ago I met a new guy, Tony, who was close to my age and there was a spark. Then I started to worry that I just didnt have enough time to date both of them. So I asked Joe to go to a thing with my friends because I was trying to save a free night for the other guy. He hadnt met my friends before. He FREAKED out and didnt text me for over two days bc he felt like i was trying to escalate the relationship.

 

Obviously the opposite was true. I was trying to multi-task (friends and Joe on the same night) because I was excited about seeing Tony on a free night.

 

When I confronted him and said not texting me was a POS move, he said, "i was just afraid you were going to stop dating other people for me." I cant fathom why he woulda thought that. I think all guys think we women are always just about to fall over the edge for them (which btw is very offensive). In fact, in all my searching in the three years ive bedn single, there has been no one ive been that way about.

 

Anyway, I ended up getting this crazy trickle truth from him bc apparently he was too afraid to tell me earlier... Sends me this text: "Im kinda talking to a lady my age who also wants to have kids." It turns out they arent kinda talking, they are ****ing engaged and making serious plans to have babies. And, the kicker, he knew her before we got together. So he had tons of time and opportunity to tell me. And if i had known all along it wouldnt have bedn hurtful. It might have been disappointing, but not hurtful.

 

So he didnt wanna tell me upfront bc he apparently thought i was so stuck on him that it would cause me some kind of grief. But what he did was mislead me so that I did feel like we were closer and more to each other than the reality, made me feel awful for 2+ days while not texting me back (i cannot express how ****ty that made me feel), then made me feel more ****ty with his trickling half truths.

 

So he and i got back on track, and were still spending several nights a week together, until about two days ago when he left for 20 days to drive up the coast with his new baby mama. When he was leaving my place that morning, he came back three times for one last kiss. But still, Im the one who is so fragile and must be protected from the truth bc I might fall in love with him and feel horrible.

 

The thing is, if I came back for goodbye kisses three times hed have to not text me for a few days, right??? That is the thing that makes me feel so disrespected. That he felt i couldnt handle the truth. Im a big girl. And lies are always more trouble.

 

Btw, future baby mama has known about me since before he and I ever met face to face. They are open for now because she lives far away.

 

Wow. A couple of questions. You cant have been i to joe that much if you were dating others? Esp you said you felt a spark with tony. So why would you feel ****ty or upset if joe was dating others or whatever he was doing?

 

Secondly id be quite hurt and offended if i asked a girl to come meet my friends in 6 montjs and she freaked out. Means he isnt that into you. And so what if you are trying to escalate the relationship, its been 6 months i expect the girl im seeing to want to meet my friends

[stillafool]

thanx for the reply.

what about if the girl doesn't want to be exclusive but declares she's not seeing other people because she doesn't want to or has the time. do you feel guilty if you date others still , are you allowed to?

 

That is up to the girl and is her choice. I wouldn't feel guilty dating others but I'm not you. Plus I'm a woman.

[grays]

Wow. A couple of questions. You cant have been i to joe that much if you were dating others? Esp you said you felt a spark with tony. So why would you feel ****ty or upset if joe was dating others or whatever he was doing?

 

Secondly id be quite hurt and offended if i asked a girl to come meet my friends in 6 montjs and she freaked out. Means he isnt that into you. And so what if you are trying to escalate the relationship, its been 6 months i expect the girl im seeing to want to meet my friends

 

 

I like him a lot. Hes a great guy in a lot of ways. In this situation, even, I know that he was trying his best to not hurt me. He just didnt know how to come clean and was hoping it would never be necessary.

 

We are truthfully about 90% about the sex. Over the last few mo ths hes also become an awesome companion. I love having someone in my life who feels so comfortable. He helps himself to stuff in my fridge, it cracks me up when we sit down on my couch to watch a movie and he strips down to his boxers because its more comfortable, he has a key and lets himself in, he picks up my fave items at the local taco shop without asking. Anyone looking at us would assume we were an real couple.

 

But the truth is that the age difference feels extreme to me (mostly bc he really will be a sweet dad and should be pursuing that) and hes just not quite right for me. Sweet and comfy but not my soul mate. He doesnt quite get me.

 

And I was *very* hurt and offended that he freaked and it did make me feel like he wasnt that into me. It was really awful actually, and I am kinda struggling with whether or not it was cool for me to even keep seeing him. Like I said, I think he believed he was sparing me by not telling. And I dont think he probably even understands how it was hurtful. So, Im on the fence about it. When he comes back we definitely have to talk it thru again.

 

You say i cant have been that much into Joe if I was dating and felt a spark with Tony... I dunno. In a way its true that I am not that much into him. I havent felt torn apart that he left or that hes with his baby mama. I feel pretty okay about that. OTOH, I was always excited to see him and had a great time with him and the physical stuff blows me away. Im not in love with him but he makes me feel loved, always sweet and adoring, always holding my hand or rubbing my back or has his arms around me. Im happy that Ive had this experience and I think it may continue for a while but ultimately I need a better match.