Dating older man going through divorce. Family issues

[Chola]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now.

 

Let me give you a little background and add that we live together. My questions/concern is the grandchildren mostly the oldest which he is closest to. His oldest grandson is 16 and my boyfriend worries that soon he will be forgotten because he's growing up. He keeps his picture opened in the background of his phone, his lock screen, and next to our bed. He is also constantly tracing his grandsons phone to see where's he's at. I love that he has a close relationship with him but it seems borderline obsessive to me but I also think he misses him. I really want him to tell the 16yr old more about me. He knows of me but they never talk about me. I haven't been introduced to him because he is worried that his ex wife might question the grandson and put him in an awkward position and he wants the grandson to ask him about me when he's ready. In the meantime, I can't help but feel hurt and pushed aside. I want to meet his grandkids so bad so that I'm not always left out.

 

My boyfriend works long hours and our time together is very limited. We both have Sunday off and he leaves me for a few hours that day to buy dinner for his grandkids and his sons ex-girlfriend and her husband while I'm at home making our lunches for work and usually cooking dinner. Sometimes, if his grandkids want to hang out with him he will do that and leave me at home. It's not often but it's still hurtful.

We have an occasional "same-day off" during the week but he already has that day planned to spend with the grandkids.

 

I can't help but feel jealous and hurt by not being introduced to them already. His ex still watches the grandkids sometimes and picks them up from school. She is a very jealous and vindictive person and I know that's one of the reasons that his kids are weary of having the grands meet me. If his ex knew that their grandkids met "grandpas friend" she would probably stop watching them which may cause problems with the parents work schedule. She would probably start questioning the grandkids and would probably have a mental breakdown in front of them if she knew they met me. They want to protect their kids which I understand. I'm so confused and am constantly feeling like I'm the "bad" person. Am I being unreasonable for wanting more time with my boyfriend or wanting to meet his family? I have told him many times how I feel and he keeps telling me that I'll meet them someday. Please let me know your thoughts because I'm really struggling right now.

 

Thank you!

 

I want to add that he knows that his time is going to be limited with his grabdson. Because he is at that age where he will be driving soon and won't need his grandfather as much. I don't want to come in between that but I can't help how I feel in regards to being left out. It feels weird that him and his grandson were out having dinner 5 mins away from where we live and I'm not invited and his grandson has no clue where we live.

Edited August 2, 2017 by Chola
Adding more information

[HarmonyDriven]

Your title indicates this man is separated, not yet divorce. Clearly, this makes everything harder. Just curious, when will the divorce be final? Are there any real future plans with you?

 

Have you talked to your boyfriend in a way that shows you are sad he does not spend as much time with you as you would like? OR do you tell him your unhappy he spends all of his extra time with the grandkids? The latter will make him resent you. He needs to understand how much you miss spending time with him. YOU are not unreasonable to want to spend time with him.

 

However, I would not press the issue regarding the grandkids meeting you. It is up to your boyfriend and his adult children. Until his divorce is final, you are not truly a constant variable in his life, especially since it has only been one year. I would have a slightly different opinion if you two were together 2 or more years.

 

I am curious, your title notes dating older man. How old is he, and you?

 

Well, on a positive note, the grandkids are getting older and will probably spend less and less time with grandpa.....more time for you.

[Chola]

In our state there is a year cooling off period and he is still in negotiations with temporary spousal support. His divorce should be final the end of next year if he's lucky. We plan to ger married in the future and he's always talks about spending the rest of our lives together. I have no doubt that he loves me and that I love him.

 

I have tried telling him that I would like more time with him but he said he's not ready to give up the extra time with the grandkids. I want him to have a great relationship with them as he is their grandfather and I don't ever want to come between that. He keeps telling me this won't be forever rhat I'll bee "left out". But the more it happens it really hurts me. I also want to mention that I don't have any family or friends where I live. They are all on the other side of the United States.

 

We are 15 years apart. He's in his mid 50's and I'm in my early 40's.

 

You are right about the grandkids! He knows that as well and mentions that to me.

[HarmonyDriven]

It is up to you to decide if you stay in a relationship where YOUR needs are not met. If you have expressed your concerns in a loving way - "I miss spending time with you. I am sad when we don't spend much time together," and he doesn't compromise with time with you/time with grandkids.....IMO, I would probably not want to stay in this relationship.

 

IMO, you seem to use him as a crutch because you have no family/friends here.

Time to get out and make some friends on your own.

 

Until his divorce is final, it is hard to say exactly his true intentions. If you stay together, when his divorce is final and you are two years plus into your relationship AND you are happy, then I would bring up the issue of meeting his grandkids. (but that's just me)

 

Good luck

[coolheadal]

In our state there is a year cooling off period and he is still in negotiations with temporary spousal support. His divorce should be final the end of next year if he's lucky. We plan to ger married in the future and he's always talks about spending the rest of our lives together. I have no doubt that he loves me and that I love him.

 

I have tried telling him that I would like more time with him but he said he's not ready to give up the extra time with the grandkids. I want him to have a great relationship with them as he is their grandfather and I don't ever want to come between that. He keeps telling me this won't be forever rhat I'll bee "left out". But the more it happens it really hurts me. I also want to mention that I don't have any family or friends where I live. They are all on the other side of the United States.

 

We are 15 years apart. He's in his mid 50's and I'm in my early 40's.

 

You are right about the grandkids! He knows that as well and mentions that to me.

 

Your first post and this one states your in a messy relationship. You have needs and he's not making time for you on those two days off. You should have think twice about getting involved with a married man because he's not going to be open to you in his family just yet not even after the divorce. You have to understand why this is so. That's his family they come first they mean more to him than you do. You will never come first to him. He showing and telling you what he has to do. He shouldn't be in a relationship with you nor you two should be living together. But this is your choice you knew all of this prior to getting involved like you are with him.

 

So if I was you just have to live like this or just move out and find another man who's life is not so complicated. He's doesn't have the time to spend with you on your days off. That bothers you. You want to be know to his kids the fact he doesn't tell them about you should tell you this guy isn't so into you just like he has to have someone to wake up to make his lunch for work or tomorrow. Whatever you do is what he needs. Your needs are not being met.

 

I can see your not happy, your the lover, your not his replacement partner he's not free 100% plus his grand kids and kids will never accept you while he's still married to his wife. The wife can cause issues for him and you. You could start problems for him and everyone in his family. You need to back-off and stay out of the family affair you do not have a ground to stand on. He will never introduce you to them. You shouldn't be living with him. If you wasn't he could spend more time with you and miss. Right now he knows where you are at your waiting for him to come back from hanging and visiting with the grand kids and kids he has.

 

Grand kid who he's really into 100% that's his issue and you can no rights to say otherwise. That's his blood. Your just the woman he has to love him. So like your a stand-in. The grand kid is his life but you need to see a clear picture on what's going on instead of looking the other way. How did you get into this mess. That's what I can't understand. Your never going to be happy. He has no pictures of you on his cell phone background he's really into the the grand kid more than you. You have to take the back seat the far one in this case.

 

I would stop making those sandwiches and move out into your own place. You shouldn't be in this relationship until he can give you more of him but he's not willing too yet. Or he may never will.

[kendahke]

I wouldn't be living with a separated man because he's not in a position to be in a new relationship if he's having to hide me from everyone out of fear of pissing off his wife and she could make the supposed divorce harder--if there even is a divorce in the works.

 

At best, you are the rebound relationship or worse--his time marker.

 

He doesn't want his family to know his secret. That's the plain simple truth here.

[Chola]

I wouldn't be living with a separated man because he's not in a position to be in a new relationship if he's having to hide me from everyone out of fear of pissing off his wife and she could make the supposed divorce harder--if there even is a divorce in the works.

 

At best, you are the rebound relationship or worse--his time marker.

 

He doesn't want his family to know his secret. That's the plain simple truth here.

 

I wish I could add more to my post. He isn't hiding me from everyone. Just the grandkids. His wife even knows about me and that we live together. His kids accept me. It's just a touchy situation with the grandkids. As time goes by, I'll be introduced and I'm sure everything will be fine. It's the time in between then where I am struggling.

[kendahke]

I wish I could add more to my post. He isn't hiding me from everyone. Just the grandkids. His wife even knows about me and that we live together. His kids accept me. It's just a touchy situation with the grandkids. As time goes by, I'll be introduced and I'm sure everything will be fine. It's the time in between then where I am struggling.

 

But that makes no sense. If she knows about you, then what's the big deal about:

I haven't been introduced to him because he is worried that his wife might question the grandson

 

If she knows about you, there's nothing to question the grandson about. She questions her husband if she feels she needs to know.

 

I still wouldn't be living with a separated man with whom I have no legal standing should something unforeseen happen and he has to go to the hospital. That's not when I want to find out that I stand outside the circled wagons, rebound or no.

Edited August 3, 2017 by kendahke

[PegNosePete]

he's always talks about spending the rest of our lives together

...

We are 15 years apart. He's in his mid 50's and I'm in my early 40's.

I think you should think long and hard about what "the rest of our lives" means in your situation.

 

I think I have some experience of age gaps: my parents are 20 years apart and have been happily married for over 40 years, so I am a perfect example that it can work! My dad was very active and healthy for his age, climbing Snowdon at age 70, etc. But now he is 90, and my mum is 70, and she is his permanent carer.

 

In 20 years time you will be early 60's and he will be mid 70's. Chances are, you'll be his carer. "The rest of our lives" will likely mean around 20 years of quality, fulfilling relationship with this man. Whereas with someone closer to your own age, you'll have much more "life" before settling down into old age.

 

Sorry to be depressing but I think it's worth thinking about. Especially since the first couple of years, or 10%, of your life together will be wasted on this divorce nonsense, and not giving you enough time. He really should have got sorted before finding someone new.

[elaine567]

Are you the OW turned gf or are you just someone he happened to meet after the separation?

[BaileyB]

Are you the OW turned gf or are you just someone he happened to meet after the separation?

 

Also my question, because you have moved very quickly into a serious relationship with a man who is still "legally" attached to another woman.

 

I wouldn't be dating, living with, or planning a future with a man who is separated and not divorced. I would advise you to slow down if you plan to stay together...

 

And FYI, I'm speaking from experience. I dated a man who was "separated" for two years and swore to me that he was ready... But, when the divorce became final, he decided that he was not ready for a serious relationship. Two years later, he contacted me and we reconnected. We have been dating for a year now and it's been great. But, we are not moving as quickly as you are moving because it is complicated when you are talking about divorce, ex wives and childre/grandchildren, and new relationships...

 

I fear that you have become really serious, really fast... And you will get burned.

[Chola]

Are you the OW turned gf or are you just someone he happened to meet after the separation?

 

I was the OW. Nobody knows this except for us. Everyone else thinks it happened 5 months later.

[Chola]

But that makes no sense. If she knows about you, then what's the big deal about:

 

 

If she knows about you, there's nothing to question the grandson about. She questions her husband if she feels she needs to know.

 

.

 

They haven't talked since the separation. She refuses to talk to him. All communication has been between lawyers.

[elaine567]

I was the OW. Nobody knows this except for us. Everyone else thinks it happened 5 months later.

 

I think he is still hiding you away though.

He is not making you priority here and whilst that is somewhat understandable in the circumstances, you cannot live long term like this.

I guess his wife knows there is more to this separation than what he has told her, and that is why she is so upset, that is not going to change anytime soon. The "grandkids" may be just be an excuse for him to get out of the house and rejoin his family again.

He is just using you now as a housekeeper and bed warmer and you can't waste any more of your life doing that. Next, you will be his carer and you will still not really be accepted by his family... the wife will make sure of that.

How long have you already "waited" for him to leave his wife?

[BaileyB]

I was the OW. Nobody knows this except for us. Everyone else thinks it happened 5 months later.

 

You may be surprised that some people may suspect... It didn't take long for anyone here to figure it out.

Edited August 4, 2017 by BaileyB

[Chola]

I want to start by saying thank you to the people who actually gave me some feedback regarding my concerns. I was going through an emotional evening dealing with some feelings when I originally started this thread. There is sooo much more to our story which is 98% positive. I wish I could of edited my original post the next day but alas, this can't be done.

 

I have never posted on a bulletin board and this has been a disappointing experience. I have people who have no idea about our relationship pointing out the obvious- age difference and his marital status. Yes, In my title I did mention "older man" and "going through divorce". If this was a concern of mine I would of posted under a different thread.

 

I was hoping to get some support and guidance regarding my feelings with grandkids and instead I am getting ridiculed saying that I'm the housekeeper, bedwarmer and 2nd best amongst many other things. Seriously?!? Don't even get me started on the fact that I'm the OW and the snarky comment that followed. That was so relevant to my questions... NOT! This has been a real sh*tshow for support and advise. I hope some of you realize that when someone reaches out and is in an emotional state- it's a touchy subject. Those comments aren't helpful. Say what you will - I am deleting my account and I will not be following up.

[elaine567]

No-one is deliberately trying to ridicule you and there is a lot of support for OWs here but the situation you find yourself in is not a good one is it?

BY what you wrote he is NOT making you priority and only HE can sort it out with his grandkids and the family.

YOU can be the loveliest woman in the world sitting at home, but if HE still keeps you at home making sandwiches, and is not willing to introduce you to the grand kids, or even spend more quality time with you, then what good will it do you?

Of course you are going to be hurt and upset, the attention he is giving you is not adequate, few people would like to experience what you are putting up with here.

 

We can only comment on the info you gave us, if it is a 98% positive relationship as you now claim then great, but that was not the impression you gave us.