I think he's about to break up with me - how to handle this?

August 2, 2017

(Oops sorry, this should have gone under Breakups... any way to move it?)

I posted a while back about dating a man who was unhappy with his career, and his life in general. Well, I continued dating him for another 1.5 months - we've been together about 5 months now. 2 days ago after I returned from vacation, we got together, he sat me down, and said he doesn't think he can stay in this city for much longer. We talked for a bit, very calmly.. he said he is miserable with his job, doesn't know what he's doing with his life, etc. At one point I said "If you think you're going to up and leave then I can't be with you any longer." but then I backtracked and later said "I want to be in this relationship, I think it's worth fighting for. Do you?" and his response was "I'm sorry." Ouch!

Weirdly we went to bed together (no sex, we just held each other), and the next morning when he left he asked if we could "talk about this more later." It's been two days and we haven't really talked about it yet. I think he's already broken up with me, but until I hear the actual words I feel as though I'm stuck in limbo. We have communicated via text, and never once has he said he wants to break up, but he also never refutes my suggestion that he is breaking up with me. I'm clinging on to some sad hope that he will decide he wants to work on things, but.. the writing is on the wall.

Originally I told him to take his time and we can talk when he's ready, but this whole situation is just making me sick. Would it be a bad move to simply tell him to be upfront with me ASAP and we can have the full blown talk later? Or would I be pushing the situation? I think what he's doing is a bit mean spirited. Why drag this out?

Edited August 2, 2017 by daylightsa

August 2, 2017

What do you want?

He has indicated that he wants to move; he wants a fulfilling job & he wants meaning to his life.

You then put him on the spot making his desire for fulfillment all about you. You were not supportive of him, his goals & dreams at all.

I don't think he broke up with you because it sounds like you are one of the good things he has going on but he is searching for something & a relationship alone is not the answer.

Have you talked to him about what he wants out of his life? Do not ask about relationships or where you fit in yet. It's about him first. Let him talk & just listen. Ask some probing questions but don't offer any opinions. After he explains his desires, think about what he said. Do you easily see where you would fit it? Do you see yourself objectively getting left behind (he wants to live somewhere you don't like & he wants to be married to somebody vastly different from you. Silent is not rejection it's oversight but with everything else he's feeling depressed about you can't genuinely expect him to consider you a priority as he's trying to figure stuff out)

After he explains what he wants then you can vote with your feet if you like.

August 2, 2017

(Oops sorry, this should have gone under Breakups... any way to move it?)

I posted a while back about dating a man who was unhappy with his career, and his life in general. Well, I continued dating him for another 1.5 months - we've been together about 5 months now. 2 days ago after I returned from vacation, we got together, he sat me down, and said he doesn't think he can stay in this city for much longer. We talked for a bit, very calmly.. he said he is miserable with his job, doesn't know what he's doing with his life, etc. At one point I said "If you think you're going to up and leave then I can't be with you any longer." but then I backtracked and later said "I want to be in this relationship, I think it's worth fighting for. Do you?" and his response was "I'm sorry." Ouch!

Weirdly we went to bed together (no sex, we just held each other), and the next morning when he left he asked if we could "talk about this more later." It's been two days and we haven't really talked about it yet. I think he's already broken up with me, but until I hear the actual words I feel as though I'm stuck in limbo. We have communicated via text, and never once has he said he wants to break up, but he also never refutes my suggestion that he is breaking up with me. I'm clinging on to some sad hope that he will decide he wants to work on things, but.. the writing is on the wall.

Originally I told him to take his time and we can talk when he's ready, but this whole situation is just making me sick. Would it be a bad move to simply tell him to be upfront with me ASAP and we can have the full blown talk later? Or would I be pushing the situation? I think what he's doing is a bit mean spirited. Why drag this out?

All you are is a shoulder to cry on, a bed buddy.. You where there for him now let the grown man go and find his way. Your done. Don't you start to be clingy or needy with this guy is so damage emotionally and mentally he doesn't need your crap to cloud his judgement. You need to find a real man to care about you. Don't take advantage of crying man hearts..

August 2, 2017

"I want to be in this relationship, I think it's worth fighting for = "I'm sorry."

He gave you an answer.

And of course, he refutes. He is attached to you too and likes what he has with you and if he can have you on his terms, he is not going to let go. Unfortunately, you both want different things and you stand to get hurt more than he will.

You have the choice of stepping away and ending it if he cannot give you what you want. The decision doesn't just fall on him. You can take charge as well.

And when someone tells you what you don't want to hear, listen. Embrace it even if it hurts like hell. Holding on only prolongs the pain.

August 2, 2017

What do you want?

He has indicated that he wants to move; he wants a fulfilling job & he wants meaning to his life.

You then put him on the spot making his desire for fulfillment all about you. You were not supportive of him, his goals & dreams at all.

I don't think he broke up with you because it sounds like you are one of the good things he has going on but he is searching for something & a relationship alone is not the answer.

Have you talked to him about what he wants out of his life? Do not ask about relationships or where you fit in yet. It's about him first. Let him talk & just listen. Ask some probing questions but don't offer any opinions. After he explains his desires, think about what he said. Do you easily see where you would fit it? Do you see yourself objectively getting left behind (he wants to live somewhere you don't like & he wants to be married to somebody vastly different from you. Silent is not rejection it's oversight but with everything else he's feeling depressed about you can't genuinely expect him to consider you a priority as he's trying to figure stuff out)

After he explains what he wants then you can vote with your feet if you like.

There's so much more to this story it's hard to get it all out. 1, he knows I hate it here too and during our last conversation did ask me how long I felt I wanted to stay in this city before moving. 2, today he said he had a meeting with another company with a job offer he's been waiting for... said the job would be less pay but much less stress. So this indicates he's considering staying here a while longer.

During our conversation I said several times "I want to be with you, but I know you have to do what is best for you. I care about you, and I want you to be happy." So I felt as thought I was somewhat supportive.

I... also left out that I wrote him a very long letter, which he has read and said gave him several things to think about before "we talk." In the letter I basically told him he was a good person who should be proud of his accomplishments, that I think we have something special here, but if he needs to go on his own I will respect that. The letter was emotionally charged, and yes, I do regret writing it. But what's done is done.

I appreciate your insight. We have had conversations in the past about what he wants - long story short this boy is everywhere. He doesn't know what he wants except that he wants to work for himself (he used to own his own business). He expects perfection in everything he does. At one point he said "I truly believe I am destined to float through this world confused and alone." He admitted that ever since both his parents died (tragically) he has felt totally lost. And before anyone says it - yes, part of me is asking myself "Is this too much work? I can't fix a broken man, only he can." Maybe a break up IS the best solution here.

I disagree with the other poster that he has simply used me for his own devices. Our relationship, up until the last 2 days, has been everything I could ever ask for in a relationship. I know he genuinely cares for me.

That said, I will hang tight and let him come to me. When we have our talk I will listen and let him say what he needs to say. For the time being I will assume we have broken up and begin working with my own grief.

August 2, 2017

I appreciate your insight. We have had conversations in the past about what he wants - long story short this boy is everywhere. He doesn't know what he wants except that he wants to work for himself (he used to own his own business). He expects perfection in everything he does. At one point he said "I truly believe I am destined to float through this world confused and alone." He admitted that ever since both his parents died (tragically) he has felt totally lost. And before anyone says it - yes, part of me is asking myself "Is this too much work? I can't fix a broken man, only he can." Maybe a break up IS the best solution here.

It sounds like he could be distancing himself from you. From what I see, you've both stated your stance on the subject. Your first response was that you're done if he moves, and his first response was a confirmation that indeed, that's the case. Don't ignore your first response, because when it comes out instantly like that, those feelings of ending it are there for both of you.

I hope it works up for you but unfortunately if he's going to pull the plug then there's nothing you can do about it. You both may want different things and sometimes that's just life and love.

August 2, 2017

Your second post does show that you are supportive. That's good but you can't support his needs & dreams at the expense of your own.

Lots of people go through transitions but manage to hold fast to the things & people that are important to them. I think about chucking my career all the time & moving to another state but I have never wanted to throw away my marriage.

His lack of direction seems to be adversely affecting you so part of this is how much longer you want to put up with this indecision.

August 2, 2017

Let me assure you that him sleeping with you is in no way an indication he's changed his mind or wishes to reconcile. Men just like sex and they don't pay much attention to the circumstances sometimes.

You can't stop him and why would you want to hold onto someone who no longer wants you (and who will sleep with someone he just broke up with because the whole thing means so little to him)?

August 2, 2017

Would it be a bad move to simply tell him to be upfront with me ASAP and we can have the full blown talk later? Or would I be pushing the situation? I think what he's doing is a bit mean spirited. Why drag this out?

You're pushing the situation.

A man saving his own life might seem mean spirited, but if he goes down, who is going to save him? Are you capable of supporting him? If not then as painful as this may be for you right now, you're going to have to give him the space to figure out what he's doing.

If you don't want to break up with someone, then don't beat them to the punch. Now you've got to walk that back and it makes you look foolish and selfish.

If someone did this to me, I'd go ahead and let them go since it's clear what I'm trying to get a handle on in my life pales in comparison to them wanting to be my sole focus in spite of my world crashing down around me.

August 2, 2017

Let me assure you that him sleeping with you is in no way an indication he's changed his mind or wishes to reconcile. Men just like sex and they don't pay much attention to the circumstances sometimes.

You can't stop him and why would you want to hold onto someone who no longer wants you (and who will sleep with someone he just broke up with because the whole thing means so little to him)?

We did not have sex. He slept over, but it was entirely chaste.

August 2, 2017

Your second post does show that you are supportive. That's good but you can't support his needs & dreams at the expense of your own.

Lots of people go through transitions but manage to hold fast to the things & people that are important to them. I think about chucking my career all the time & moving to another state but I have never wanted to throw away my marriage.

His lack of direction seems to be adversely affecting you so part of this is how much longer you want to put up with this indecision.

Yes, he is going through many changes in his life, and you're correct - I can't fix his problems. And again, you're right... I know that even if I were going through a lot of **** in my life I still would want to hold on to him. The mere fact that he doesn't seem interested in working this out speaks volumes.

I'm not going to push him anymore. He says he wants to talk about this. If he does, I'll let him come to me when he's ready. For now I will just focus on me.

August 2, 2017

You're pushing the situation.

A man saving his own life might seem mean spirited, but if he goes down, who is going to save him? Are you capable of supporting him? If not then as painful as this may be for you right now, you're going to have to give him the space to figure out what he's doing.

If you don't want to break up with someone, then don't beat them to the punch. Now you've got to walk that back and it makes you look foolish and selfish.

If someone did this to me, I'd go ahead and let them go since it's clear what I'm trying to get a handle on in my life pales in comparison to them wanting to be my sole focus in spite of my world crashing down around me.

So noted. I have not said this yet nor will I. I have simply told him to take his time, digest what he needs to digest, and when he's ready we can talk. He said he appreciated that and that he needs to work some stuff out with work first but absolutely does want "to talk," which in my mind means "break up" but what do I know?

August 2, 2017

So noted. I have not said this yet nor will I. I have simply told him to take his time, digest what he needs to digest, and when he's ready we can talk. He said he appreciated that and that he needs to work some stuff out with work first but absolutely does want "to talk," which in my mind means "break up" but what do I know?

Except you planted the seed when you said:

"If you think you're going to up and leave then I can't be with you any longer."

Trust me, the part he heard was "I can't be with you any longer". That kind of statement lingers.

August 2, 2017

Hardest part is he told me his meeting with the other company was at noon today, I know it's over, and I so badly want to know how it went but... I figure if he wanted me to know, he'd tell me.

Technology these days makes it so hard not to be pesky.

August 2, 2017

Except you planted the seed when you said:

Trust me, the part he heard was "I can't be with you any longer". That kind of statement lingers.

I know. I know. In my letter to him I told him that was a knee jerk reaction and I didn't really mean it, but you're likely correct. This is a man that analyzes EVERYTHING... so I know that probably struck a chord with him.

August 2, 2017

I don't know if anyone will read this but this is something I've been confused by. He has a pretty bad past with relationships - dramatic, emotionally abusive women. He expressed to me on more than one occasion that I was the first person that he's been with for longer than 2 months since a 3-year relationship that ended 5 years ago. He said he took 2 years off from dating after that relationship, and that I "restored his faith in putting himself out there again."

He then proceeded to say "Why would I walk away? It just comes down to my job... I hate it and I feel like a zombie."

He also expressed just... complete wonder at the fact that we've never fought. Is it weird that we've never fought? I can count on one hand the number of times I've fought with anyone in the last 5 years... conflict, yes, but I always resolve it with dignity.

Ahhh, I know you guys can't answer these questions - only he can. Time will tell I guess.

August 2, 2017

So noted. I have not said this yet nor will I. I have simply told him to take his time, digest what he needs to digest, and when he's ready we can talk. He said he appreciated that and that he needs to work some stuff out with work first but absolutely does want "to talk," which in my mind means "break up" but what do I know?

If he ends it with you, move on. Never beg anyone to stay with you. He sounds like he needs to find happiness in his own life, before being in a relationship, and that's admirable. If that's the truth. I'm always skeptical until I have all the answers. lol So, we'll see. But, please...if he ends it, just part as friends and don't beg for him to stay in your life. Things happen for reasons, and if things are meant to be, they will flow and not be such a struggle. Break ups are hard though, so I feel for you with this.

August 2, 2017

If he ends it with you, move on. Never beg anyone to stay with you. He sounds like he needs to find happiness in his own life, before being in a relationship, and that's admirable. If that's the truth. I'm always skeptical until I have all the answers. lol So, we'll see. But, please...if he ends it, just part as friends and don't beg for him to stay in your life. Things happen for reasons, and if things are meant to be, they will flow and not be such a struggle. Break ups are hard though, so I feel for you with this.

Oh yeah, I won't beg. I'm a pretty rational person - if he explicitly says he wants to end things then I will part on good terms as quickly as possible.

August 3, 2017

We spoke on the phone a bit this morning after he'd settled in at work. It was just light banter, but it felt like it always feels with him. No relationship talk which was ok.

Later today he sent a text about taking a short boat trip/picnic together this weekend, but then said his boat is still in the shop, and it was just wishful thinking. I wish he hadn't had done that because of course it sends my brain into overdrive. He's never been a liar or a deceiver so I have to believe he genuinely wants to do it, but since his boat isn't water ready then... why say that?

Ugh. The waiting game continues. It's a strain on me being the patient, nice girl when my head is spinning.

August 3, 2017

The reality is that you two cannot have a strong relationship until he deals with job and his outlook. There is no future until those things are fixed, and those things cannot be fixed overnight. Sure the job change can help, but it sounds like he's dealing with an existential crisi, which is something that takes a good of time and perspective to alter.

Your original instinct to break up was correct albeit impulsive. While I believe that people should stick with each through good and bad, people also need to understand that things don't magically get fixed and sometimes the timing just wasn't right or things have changed.

If you wait around you may be waiting a long time for something that may never change or may not be enough.

August 4, 2017

If you hate the city where you live, why don't you both sit and talk it over as a couple instead of seeing yourselves as 2 selfish people? I don't mean that in a negative way.

If you like each other, or love each other, there might be a solution that could work for both of you and you.

Ask him what he wants to achieve in his life and tell him what you want, too.

There could be a good place for the relationship somewhere in there.

Sorry, but as judgemental as it sounds, your initial response was impulsive.

People in relationships nowadays seem to want out instead of put the work to try and communicate and work on things together. Sure you don't want to financially support him, he needs to feel fulfilled, but who knows, you guys could move somewhere and both be happy together.

Why throw away the baby with the bath water?

August 4, 2017

The reality is that you two cannot have a strong relationship until he deals with job and his outlook.

What if they were married, should they get divorced?

People throw away relationships nowadays so easily.

Do we live in an age where relationships are disposable?

Perhaps that's why the divorce rate is so high these days.

Perhaps relationships are disposable like all the electronics and appliances we use nowadays. It's easier cheaper to throw them out than fix them.

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I think he's about to break up with me - how to handle this?

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