TommyG Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 Hello I'm in a fairly new relationship and things are pretty good aside from some jealousy issues. We have a good sex life. Perhaps the best I've had. We have sex on most of occasions we get together and I'm satisfied with the amount of sex we have. I'd probably like more but I don't want to be a nuisance and I also want it to be mutually desired. She's said a few times that she thinks I have a high sex drive and that she's worried that she won't be enough for me or satisfy me. I told her that she's totally enough for me and not to worry. Recently while moaning about her ex (who she used to live with) my gf said that they'd had sex every day for a year and yet he still always had a roving eye. I sympathised with her but also asked her not to tell me details like that about their sex life. It's a hang up of mine but I don't like hearing about partner's past sex lives. I don't talk about my previous sexual experiences and I ask my partners not to tell me about their own. A few days ago she referenced this "sex every day for a year" thing again (I don't remember exactly why) and it really bummed me out. I asked her why she had to bring it up again when she knows it bothered me the first time. I tried to explain why it's a problem for me but she got annoyed and defensive, mostly (I think) because she's a little jealous about an ex of mine - another separate issue that I think we've largely dealt with. Since then I find myself thinking about this far too regularly. If she makes a comment about me thinking about sex too much or how women don't need sex as much as men I instantly think "but what about you having sex every day for a year with your ex?". And then I get paranoid and wonder did she tell *him* that *he* wanted sex too much, was it all at his instigation and not hers,or did she *want* more sex with him, was she more attracted to him etc. All kinds of things I'd rather not think about and things I'm only thinking about because she told me about this "every day for a year". It's not that I'm obsessing about the amount of sex they had more at the disparity with the comments she's made to me about me and sex. I feel really conflicted. I recognise that it's stupid and that it's all in my head. Our sex life is great and I had no complaints until her revelation. I feel like I should be able to stop obsessing about this and yet I don't seem to be able to. I also (probably unreasonably) feel resentful that she told me about it (particularly that she repeated it) and her failure to understand why it bothered me. I'm worried that at some point when I'm horny she'll say she's too tired for sex and I'll say the obvious "but you weren't too tired with him!" or some similar disastrous scenario. I need advice about how to stop thinking about it and also how to address this with my gf in a sensitive and constructive way. Any ideas?
smackie9 Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 As this relationship evolves you are starting to notice you are not getting the amount of sex you desire, and she is claiming she's worried you want too much and can't keep up with the desire......you are sexually incompatible. There is no "fixing" this. It is what it is, and it just a matter of time when this thing implodes on itself, and the relationship falls apart. This isn't about jealousy, it's about the realization you are not compatible. As for the ex, it was one of two things, she was more passionately attracted to him or it was a lot of mercy sex because he was more aggressive getting it. 1
Author TommyG Posted August 2, 2017 Author Posted August 2, 2017 (edited) Ouch. Now, you could be 100% right but I should point out that I'm not dissatisfied with the sex I'm getting. We have sex most times we meet, I can only think of a couple of occasions that we haven't. If I didn't know about the sex with this other guy I wouldn't be questioning anything. Her comments about satisfying me came early in the relationship and haven't been repeated. When she makes comments these days it's more in response to me mentioning sex in a message rather than me asking her to get it on. Edited August 2, 2017 by TommyG
smackie9 Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 But you really don't know. All you know is they had it everyday. That's doesn't always mean it was fantastic, better than you or anything. 2
d0nnivain Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 I think tone of voice will have to be the sensitivity part. You have to bluntly but softly tell her what you told us: * you don't like talking about people's EXs * she told you & now you are having trouble getting the comparisons out of your head * you want more sex then you are getting but her throwing the every day for a year thing in your face makes you fear that you & she are not compatible. Don't accuse. Don't argue. Relay this information from the scared / insecure places it comes from. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is the most sensitive way you can address this. If she attacks you for it, reevaluate her as a partner. 1
kendahke Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 mostly (I think) because she's a little jealous about an ex of mine - another separate issue that I think we've largely dealt with. don't be so sure about that. First, find out for certain if this subject is truly resolved. It may not be for her. Second: if she's doing this as a means by which to lash out at you, you've got more serious problems than her talking about her sex life with her ex. Since then I find myself thinking about this far too regularly. If she makes a comment about me thinking about sex too much or how women don't need sex as much as men I instantly think "but what about you having sex every day for a year with your ex?". And then I get paranoid and wonder did she tell *him* that *he* wanted sex too much, was it all at his instigation and not hers,or did she *want* more sex with him, was she more attracted to him etc. All kinds of things I'd rather not think about and things I'm only thinking about because she told me about this "every day for a year". I think she's telling you this because she may be burned out on copious amounts sex in general and she's putting you on notice that she's going to restrict the candy store hours. I'm worried that at some point when I'm horny she'll say she's too tired for sex and I'll say the obvious "but you weren't too tired with him!" or some similar disastrous scenario. She is the sovereign, mistress and commander of her own body, not you. It's her decision how much sex she wants to have. You either work with her on that or find someone who wants sex on the same level as you. I need advice about how to stop thinking about it and also how to address this with my gf in a sensitive and constructive way. Any ideas? You need to change your paradigm away from what you're not getting to how you can help her to relax into your rhythm. Certainly, not throwing tantrums and retaliating because she's burned out on sex is a good policy to adopt. 1
kendahke Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 Ouch. Now, you could be 100% right but I should point out that I'm not dissatisfied with the sex I'm getting. We have sex most times we meet, I can only think of a couple of occasions that we haven't. If I didn't know about the sex with this other guy I wouldn't be questioning anything. Her comments about satisfying me came early in the relationship and haven't been repeated. When she makes comments these days it's more in response to me mentioning sex in a message rather than me asking her to get it on. One way to find out how much she is willing to instigate the sex on her own is for you to stop instigating the sex and see what her comfort level really is. She may be doing it to appease you, and while she may enjoy it, it still might be done to keep from losing a boyfriend, not because she really wants to have sex with you. Figure out which of the two it really is... but I have to agree with Smackie that this could be an incompatibility issue that has yet to develop its head. 1
kendahke Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 I'm curious: how much time elapsed between the time each of you had your last relationship to the time you two got together and got into this one?
rightondude Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 doesn't sound like she's hearing what you're saying. Or either she is, and she still brings up the fact that she and the ex used to sex it up every day knowing you don't like hearing it. I'd agree, you need to flesh this out and make sure its understood and that you're on the same page on this and anything else. One thing you didn't mention (or if you did I missed it) is if she's satisfied with the quality of sex you guys are having. You mentioned how good it was for you, do you know if she feels the same?
coolheadal Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 Ouch. Now, you could be 100% right but I should point out that I'm not dissatisfied with the sex I'm getting. We have sex most times we meet, I can only think of a couple of occasions that we haven't. If I didn't know about the sex with this other guy I wouldn't be questioning anything. Her comments about satisfying me came early in the relationship and haven't been repeated. When she makes comments these days it's more in response to me mentioning sex in a message rather than me asking her to get it on. How old are you and her? You said if you are horny and she was tired of having sex you were worried? But how so? So what if she had sex everyday with her Ex. Your not her Ex you are you with your HSD = High Sex Drive. She might be MSD = Medium Sex Drive. Just make it work okay Sex is fun we all need it when we can have it though. It's fun to get up to that point to have it. Enjoy and make it last! I say!
Author TommyG Posted August 2, 2017 Author Posted August 2, 2017 Thank you to everyone who responded, I hope this will be the last time I comment on this particular thread. I spoke to my girlfriend as soon as she arrived at my house tonight, couldn't keep it bottled in any longer. I told her that what I was feeling had nothing to do with worries that she might go back to her boyfriend or that she still wanted him and that nor did it have anything to do with a dissatisfaction about the amount or quality of the sex we have. I explained that it's hard for me to know about the sex she had with her ex when she has told me early on that she worried she wouldn't be enough for me. And also that any throwaway comment about how much I think about sex ends up going round my head and being compared to what I know about her past. She understood, eventually. It doesn't help that English isn't her first language and she explained to me that her relationship with her ex was a difficult and chaotic one filled with jealousy, suspicion and possible infidelity. Not all of the sex she had was for the pleasure of it, some of it was about trying to keep him happy and focusing inwards on her, not outside. She also said that she has always had issues about men's attitudes to sex and a concern that they will leave her if she doesn't fulfill their needs. I believe her as this fits with other stuff she's told me. If I hadn't previously made myself clear I'm not dissatisfied with the sex I'm having. Far from it but I know I have a high sex drive and she is not the first person to say that they weren't sure they could satisfy me. It's just unfortunate that having said that she'd then go on to say that she'd had sex every day for a year with someone else. I think this is a break through, though, and will hopefully stop me fixating on this issue. It was never about our sex life but about my perception of what was going on in her head. I'm much happier in my understanding now. This doesn't, of course, mean that at some point we won't find ourselves incompatible over sex (or something else) but it does put my mind at rest for now. Oh and just for the record, I'm 48 and she's 43. Thanks again for your comments.
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