First date cancelled because "I'm too nice"

[coolheadal]

I wanted to take her to a nice restaurant, but she told me just to go to KFC with her. Again HER suggestion, not mine.

 

Dude this girl wasn't for you. You do not meet-up with any chick at KFC. I wouldn't do it not even at Wendy's LOL. Everyone here going to say what they think. I am more down to earth. You are ok being nice but these women today have been damage, and you have to pick them up. You have to be confident and take not BS. I sure don't. If you do get get walked all over you become their doormat an etc. You take charge she said she can't make you say:

When you think you have the for use to meet-up, you let me know, otherwise, later for you! I have better things to do than wait on your dumb self. Sure that means but she's the type that has been roughed up are like brawny guys (tough that are not so nice) Then you have to pour it over her as well.

 

Don't settle for any crap from any women, you stand-up for yourself. She's not into you you move on.. Don't stalker that's not good then the police gets involved. Dude you do not want that kind of trouble. Move on find someone else. We all have our faults but that's who makes us up to be who we are. No one is so perfect..

 

Remember it's her loss not yours!

[SammySammy]

I wanted to take her to a nice restaurant, but she told me just to go to KFC with her. Again HER suggestion, not mine.

 

You're missing my point.

 

I wouldn't take any woman to any restaurant on a first date. That's what average guys do. I don't do anything an average guy would do when starting a relationship.

 

Why? You never get a second chance at a first impression. I want her to have an outstanding impression of me. So, I have to stand out. Be different.

 

My point is put some thought into it and make an effort to be ... interesting.

 

Dinner dates are for girlfriends, fiancees, and wives. Not for women you just met.

Edited August 2, 2017 by MidKnightDreams

[Poutrew]

I've got a 'too nice' story, one that was passed down in my family. Back in the 50's my Uncle Tony got rejected by a girl who said he was 'too nice'... it was a big thing in the community in those days because they all wanted to raise civilized men, and Uncle Tony was the epitome of civil behavior. Well, in the course of years Tony moved to New York where he married and had a family - 3 sons. He would still come out for month long family visits alone, never with his family. I remember when, as a kid, he would tell me stories of him working the western U.S. deserts as a uranium prospector, drinking heavy water, the dangers of being alone in the mountains with just a pistol and a Geiger counter, etc. The fact that he never had his family in tow made us think he was just a hen-pecked husband escaping his nagging wife... he really did have a soft, nice, personality. Well, after he died it came out that his wife really was a monster, and would beat the he** out of him... and worse, his sons learned how to treat their dad the same way from mum. Now we know all those bruises and broken bones he suffered from wasn't from taking a fall in the Sierra Nevada mountains, or trying to outrun a landslide. He was being abused by a family of monsters... If I am on a first date, all it takes is a certain 'tharn' look from the girl, and if I think "Uncle Tony", it will be the last date.

 

Moral of the story, I guess, is to not be 'too nice', or you will get taken advantage of...

[Jamie_1]

You're missing my point.

 

I wouldn't take any woman to any restaurant on a first date. That's what average guys do. I don't do anything an average guy would do when starting a relationship.

 

Why? You never get a second chance at a first impression. I want her to have an outstanding impression of me. So, I have to stand out. Be different.

 

My point is put some thought into it and make an effort to be ... interesting.

 

Dinner dates are for girlfriends, fiancees, and wives. Not for women you just met.

 

What would you suggest as an ideal first date?

The reality is that the girl I mentioned seemed incredibly insecure, her suggesting to me that she wanted to go to KFC implied that we were only going to meet if she was in her comfort zone.

[Art_Critic]

Maybe she canceled because you agreed to go to KFC...

 

In other words.. it might have been a test and if it was you are better off without someone who would test someone like that.

 

My ExWife flipped a lid once that I took her to Arby's on the way to a Baseball Game (we were married), we were also running late and it seemed like a good call.. whew.. she gave me grief for 2 days...

 

if course I'm no longer married to her..

[normal person]

We spoke on and off for about a week on POF. We discussed date ideas and she suggested going to kfc because she felt too awkward going to a more formal setting.

 

Red flag. "I feel too awkward to go anywhere but KFC" is a sign that you're dating a child, not an adult. Don't lose any sleep over this and move on.

 

I'm not going to be mean to anyone. But I have realized that I can't go into dating/OLD with the mindset that "I want to make people feel good" because it's getting me nowhere.

 

That's fine, just don't be overly accommodating. Respect yourself and your own priorities first. Date someone your own speed and don't slow down for someone else. There's no sense bending over backwards for a girl who can't be bothered to put on something nice and meet you in a place without fluorescent lighting, if that's what you're after.

 

I'm always very nice to girls in OLD, especially when they write long or well thought out messages. You should reward the effort and encourage them to do it more ("Thanks for your great message, you seem wonderful but you're a bit too far away and I'm trying to keep it in this neighborhood. Best of luck!"). But don't let them use that as currency to get you to do things you don't have interest in doing.

 

I wanted to take her to a nice restaurant, but she told me just to go to KFC with her. Again HER suggestion, not mine.

 

But you agreed to it. If you said something to the affect of "Ehh... that's not really my thing, sorry" you would've shown her that you prioritize your own interests first and she probably wouldn't think you're "too nice." She'd just think you aren't going to do things you deem a waste of time and that you don't need to suffer the indignity of eating at KFC for her because you have better options and better ways to spend your time.

 

What would you suggest as an ideal first date?

 

Somewhere that doesn't serve toys with happy meals to 8 year olds. In all seriousness, you probably have the right idea, but if the girl can't hang with it, she's not worth your time. Go somewhere that serves alcohol. Somewhere within walking distance of you both that's fun, hip, sexy, good ambience, conducive to romance. Basically, any place that's the stylistic opposite of KFC. If she insists on KFC, why are you even talking to her?

 

The reality is that the girl I mentioned seemed incredibly insecure, her suggesting to me that she wanted to go to KFC implied that we were only going to meet if she was in her comfort zone.

 

So why even go out with her, then? I don't see why you're stressing so much about this, she doesn't sound like she's worth a second response, let alone this much mental energy. There are a million women out there worth your time. This one isn't ready for you. This is her misstep, not yours. Onto the next one.

[GoodOnPaper]

I kind of wish they'd stop using the "too nice" as if being nice itself is the problem and not the lack of other qualities like assertiveness or a dark humor

 

There's a whole legion of men who preach the misconception that being nice itself is thr problem and women love being degraded and treated poorly

 

Thanks to this girl, this guy is prob goung to start taking women to KFC 1st date and being mean to them, and for a very sad portion of women this works and a toxic relationship develops

 

Personally, I hope the OP does decide to shift to the "jerk" side of the spectrum. From what people report, it works. The disconnect between qualities that lend themselves toward LTRs and those that work for short-term attraction keeps growing. Besides, you can't get into a relationship without clearing the hook-up attraction hurdle. What I find interesting is how "nice guys" are reviled more for going to the "jerk" side than those men who have always been on the "jerk" side in the first place.

[Andy_K]

I wanted to take her to a nice restaurant, but she told me just to go to KFC with her. Again HER suggestion, not mine.

 

'Too nice' means you're putting too much pressure/expectation on her.

 

The harder you try to make someone feel good, the more pressure they'll be under to appreciate your efforts. There comes a point - and it varies with everyone - where it's just too much.

 

'Too nice' often comes with a lack of genuine empathy or understanding - some people are far more concerned with trying to be nice and do the right thing than they are with really trying to understand how someone else will feel about these things. It translates to a fundamental lack of a connection.

 

In short, women aren't looking for someone to treat them and be nice to them all the time, they're looking for someone to understand them, and be nice to them at the right times.

Edited August 3, 2017 by Andy_K

[lolablue17]

She didn't really mean that you're too nice. She may have met someone else, she may have became busy, she may have got a severe desease. But she doesn't want to share her reason with you, so she told you a general excuse. It's not the truth. You're putting too much energy on that, what may imply that maybe you can't handle rejection very well... :-)

[fred123]

'Too nice' means you're putting too much pressure/expectation on her.

 

The harder you try to make someone feel good, the more pressure they'll be under to appreciate your efforts. There comes a point - and it varies with everyone - where it's just too much.

 

'Too nice' often comes with a lack of genuine empathy or understanding - some people are far more concerned with trying to be nice and do the right thing than they are with really trying to understand how someone else will feel about these things. It translates to a fundamental lack of a connection.

 

In short, women aren't looking for someone to treat them and be nice to them all the time, they're looking for someone to understand them, and be nice to them at the right times.

 

Explain how he put too much pressure on her in this situation? Lol

[Bastile]

Ever read or watched Shakespeare's "Timon of Athens"?

 

Probably not. No one seems to have. It's arguably his least liked play, despite a great colab with Middleton and some of his best poetry.

 

Timon Misanthropos (yes, this is where the terms originate) is a wealthy Athenian who attracts clingers on. Eventually, on understanding the realities of human nature, he grows into the hater of mankind.

 

A warning for some balance, eh?

 

I think swinging the pendulum to the other extreme of being a complete arse is merely a part of finding that balance. And you might be very surprised with the results that you get from it.

 

But there is a massive difference between the spiteful beta male who is butthurt, and the genuine uncaring aloofness that gives the ladies the horn.

[preraph]

If you're both anxious, maybe she realized that and just knows she needs someone more sure of himself to kind of "carry" the date, you know? But just don't worry about it. it could be anything.

[The411]

1. Do not invite first dates to dinner. Why? You don't know this woman. She hasn't done anything to earn a dinner invitation. If you invite girls to dinner on a first a lot of women will accept your invitation but will play nice for a free meal.

 

Best first dates involve low financial investment allow for talking and touching (no movie dates).

 

Wine bar, bar, cooking class, pet store, street fair, local area with lots activity, art gallery, museum, etc.

 

2. If you are like a people pleaser woman will call you nice. You can be a good guy and still not be nice. Being nice means you aren't bringing a sexual interest to her. No woman wants to have sex with nice. It can also be too conservative too fearful of offending, too many compliments. If you aren't making the woman wonder if you like her then you might be too nice.

 

3. What type of quality woman would say let's go to KFC? None that I know of. KFC isn't great food nor it is healthy or conducive to making out after eating it. In this case you lucked out because this girl was useless.

[neowulf]

Where did I go wrong?

 

Ah, the single most difficult thing to try and deal with when you're dating.

 

Memorize this;

 

You can do absolutely everything right; be the perfect gentlemen, pay for everything, dress to kill.

 

You can do everything right .. and still not get a second (or first) date.

 

That's just how it is. Best not to dwell on why.

[kortz]

What would you suggest as an ideal first date?

The reality is that the girl I mentioned seemed incredibly insecure, her suggesting to me that she wanted to go to KFC implied that we were only going to meet if she was in her comfort zone.

 

Personally I'd never suggest dinner or food for a first date, especially if I've met them online or on an app but even if we've met in person I'd still stick to my guns. I always go for a drink at a nice bar, or occasionally a coffee date but I prefer the evening drink as it helps take the edge of in a comfortable/safe environment. I don't agree that you should put much thought into a first date for the following reasons:

1) You've never met this person so a first date is there to establish initial connection and attraction.

2) Planning something different for someone you don't really know could easily backfire if they don't enjoy it or scare them off as it could be too much for a first meet.

 

A first date should be relaxed and time bound to a couple of hours unless it goes very well and naturally extends beyond that. It doesn't matter what you do for a first date as long as it's relaxed and the conversation flows, it really is that simple. Don't go to the cinema, don't go to a gig, don't go to a nightclub. Go to a chilled bar, a nice coffee shop or a walk in a nice public park. And as cheesy as it sounds, just be yourself.

[PegNosePete]

^ What he said.

 

I would avoid KFC. Talking to a first date with mayo dripping down your lip is not a good idea. Although you might get some finger licking action.

[Poutrew]

Never underestimate the power of the Colonel's Cole slaw.... never!

[Lobouspo]

When someone says you are "too nice" that's just code language for "you're unattractive and boring". Not criticising you OP. I've gotten this before myself. Would much rather get, "sorry I'm just not interested". It stings a little, but sometimes brutal honesty is the best.

[Miss Spider]

Yeah, I can kill me a side of KFC mashed potatoes as much as the next girl, but this one was clearly looney toons. Don't take anything she said to heart and move along