Emmafive Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 I'm having a debate with my fiancé which I'm hoping you all can help settle. My sister recently found out that her ex has a new serious significant other. She is currently in a very happy and loving relationship which she claims, "I've never loved anyone as much as I love him". Now, my fiancé said my sister can't possibly love her new guy more than her ex if she is hurt by his new relationship. I, on the other hand, believe you can love someone more and still be hurt to find out that the ex is with someone new. He said if you're dating someone new, and you love them more than your ex you would not be hurt if your ex started dating someone new. So, can you love the new person more but still be hurt to find out your ex is in a new relationship? Am I right, or is my fiance correct?
d0nnivain Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 It's not a zero sum game, where you have a finite amount of love to give so that if you give it to one you don't have any left for the other. I am happily married. Late last year I bumped into a long ago EX. We broke up 17 years ago. He said something incredibly mean to me about our past. I was hurt & angry. My feelings have nothing to do with how much I love my husband & I am fully aware that my husband is the better choice for me as a life partner. However, being upset that the EX has a new partner is jealousy, not love & it is some indication that there are residual feelings. 3
girlinNYC Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 I have to agree with your fiancé here. I recently met the man of my dreams, someone I could easily settle down with and not look back. I also recently found out my ex is dating someone new and not one part of me cares because what I have in front of me is simply greater than what's gone. It's about appreciating what you have and not living in the past. Doors close and new (better) doors open for a reason. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 I agree with your fiance. If I am jelaous or hurt by things an ex does, it means that I still have feelings for them and and am not totally happy in a new relationship. 1
Author Emmafive Posted August 2, 2017 Author Posted August 2, 2017 I have to agree with your fiancé here. I recently met the man of my dreams, someone I could easily settle down with and not look back. I also recently found out my ex is dating someone new and not one part of me cares because what I have in front of me is simply greater than what's gone. It's about appreciating what you have and not living in the past. Doors close and new (better) doors open for a reason. Congrats on finding that person I didn't tell my younger sister this because I thought it was just incredibly ridiculous at the time, but now I'm not so sure. My sister's ex is my old roommate's brother, which is how they met. A few months ago I had lunch with my old roommate. Let me preface this by saying I'm not into social media at all and think it's all silly but my sister is. After the break up she removed him from social media but still kept my roommate as a friend on Snapchat. Apparently, with this app you can view a person's "story" and it tells you what user viewed your story. My roommate mentioned how she found it odd that my sister was all of a sudden viewing her stories non-stop for a few weeks out of the blue, which according to my roommate she never did before. My friend was under the impression that my sister was hoping to see her younger brother/the ex in her Snapchat stories because he was on her mind. If you take social media into account I guess my sister was a little hung up on her ex a few months ago?
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 It's not a zero sum game, where you have a finite amount of love to give so that if you give it to one you don't have any left for the other. I am happily married. Late last year I bumped into a long ago EX. We broke up 17 years ago. He said something incredibly mean to me about our past. I was hurt & angry. My feelings have nothing to do with how much I love my husband & I am fully aware that my husband is the better choice for me as a life partner. However, being upset that the EX has a new partner is jealousy, not love & it is some indication that there are residual feelings. Agree. The opposite of love is indifference. If this woman did not still have feelings for her ex, she'd feel total indifference. 3
girlinNYC Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 Thank you, we aren't official yet though his general demeanour is far different to the silliness I've had in the past! Yes, in light of the snapchat actions it is clear her 'investigations' suggest she is curious on some level about what he is up to, therefore not completely free of him. Social media is the quickest way to see what someone is up too.
fieldoflavender Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 You can still be hurt by their hurtful actions in the past. Or if they continue to try to hurt you in the future. But being in a relationship is not a hurtful action. It's just them moving on and they're allowed to - they're single after they broke up with someone. So yeah, being upset at that is being hung up on them. But if they were to go to you and say something mean, that's different. It's always hard to be hurt by someone you once cared a lot about if you don't care about them in the same way anymore.
guest569 Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 I think op is right but anyway it is your sister's love life. Not either of yours.
d0nnivain Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 Agree. The opposite of love is indifference. If this woman did not still have feelings for her ex, she'd feel total indifference. Exactly. In my situation, I was happy that my EX had a new partner. Despite the fact that he & I never made it to happily ever after, neither of us are bad people & we both deserve to be happy. I was a little jealous that he adopted a dog with her because he would never let me get a dog while we lived together. My jealousy was more about the dog then the man.
kendahke Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 I'm having a debate with my fiancé which I'm hoping you all can help settle. My sister recently found out that her ex has a new serious significant other. She is currently in a very happy and loving relationship which she claims, "I've never loved anyone as much as I love him". Now, my fiancé said my sister can't possibly love her new guy more than her ex if she is hurt by his new relationship. I, on the other hand, believe you can love someone more and still be hurt to find out that the ex is with someone new. He said if you're dating someone new, and you love them more than your ex you would not be hurt if your ex started dating someone new. So, can you love the new person more but still be hurt to find out your ex is in a new relationship? Am I right, or is my fiance correct? I think your fiance is correct. To still be hurt that they've found someone new means you're still not emotionally done with them because indifference should be ruling the day if you've gotten over them, have moved on and are with someone who "you've never loved as much as you love them". If this is the case, then wishing them well is all that needs to bubble up, not "feeling a way" because they've found someone new.
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