The Almost Relationship: Was he actually afraid of commitment, or just a jerk?

August 2, 2017

I met this guy on a relationship app (not Tinder), we chatted for a day or so, then he asked me out for coffee that weekend. He let me know he worked most of the week but made a point to text me every other day just to say hello, or let me know that he was looking forward to our coffee date. We met on Sunday and immediately hit it off. He was cute, had beautiful eyes, was respectful, smart, funny, and engaging. I had never really talked to someone as openly and honestly as I had with him even though we had just met. (he's 27 and i'm 28))

We got into deep conversations about philosophy, music, and telling funny stories about the way we grew up. He asked me to if I wanted to go find some live music, and our noon coffee date turned into walking downtown, listening to some jazz, getting dinner and a couple of drinks until almost midnight. The night was great and we did end up kissing goodnight a little at our cars. We immediately made plans to see each other again before he went out of town that next weekend for his brothers wedding (I saw actual picture proof lol). We went on two more dates and our correspondence increased (even while he was out of town), often talking (on the phone) about our hopes, fears, insecurities, song lyrics, the weather...ect. He even revealed to me that he wasn't very sexually saavy.

He told tell me that talking/being with me was incredible, and that he usually didn't open up this much; it was new for him. He asked me out for a museum date that following weekend, however the day came for our date and I didn't hear anything from him. Just as I was getting ready text him that morning, he text me first asking if we could move the date to the next day. He had gone out the night before, overdid it on the drinking, and needed to be alone. I said I had to work the next day(secretly annoyed), but suggested that perhaps we meet later on after work instead. He didn't respond for a awhile and wrote "I'm absolutely terrified at how much I like being with you". I felt something was off, and asked him what prompted him to say that. He responded "I don't want to screw things up with you like I have in the past, so I need to be honest with you...I got drunk and kissed my friends roommate last night at the bar. She said that wanted more, but I told her there couldn't and wouldn't be, and I got an Uber home feeling like sh**. I don't want to hurt you because I've hurt people in the past, and you're too good for that. I need to control my drinking so I don't continue do things that hurt people I care about." I thanked him for being honest, and asked him if he wanted to see other people. He said he really liked me, but felt like he should date more than one person since this casual dating thing was something he was trying. I told him I wanted to be more exclusive, and dating him casually wasn't going to work for me. He didn't respond for a long time, then said that he actually felt that he shouldn't be with anyone while he got himself and his drinking problem under control. He felt that had started to effect every part of his life, and he was ashamed that he fed into his need to be wanted by a stranger.

We talked so more about personal stuff, I wished him well, then I left it alone thoroughly disappointed. We hadn't talked about being exclusive with each other, however what he did still upset and hurt me because I felt we had a great connection. Is this typical behavior for a guy that just wants out or isn't interested? Or are men legitimately afraid of commitment? Why go through all that emotion, time, and energy just to eventually sabotage a great developing connection?

August 2, 2017

Try not to put all guys in the same category. There are plenty of decent guys looking for exclusivity with the right woman, who don't play games and sabotage a good thing.

This guy wasn't one of them. He has real issues, and should be avoided. He may have been able to conceal it briefly and charm you, but thankfully he couldn't hide it for long. All the self pity talk, flaking and alcohol issues are signs that this is not good boyfriend material.

If you can learn anything from this experience then just be mindful of getting close too quickly before you have a chance to see any red flags. Experiencing a strong connection with someone early on can be great but a lot of oversharing can also create a level of false intimacy that can blind you to the warning signs.

You handled things very well and you should feel proud that you stuck to your guns about the type of relationship you are looking for. Continue to have those high standards and you will find the quality man you want.

August 2, 2017

Try not to put all guys in the same category. There are plenty of decent guys looking for exclusivity with the right woman, who don't play games and sabotage a good thing.

This guy wasn't one of them. He has real issues, and should be avoided. He may have been able to conceal it briefly and charm you, but thankfully he couldn't hide it for long. All the self pity talk, flaking and alcohol issues are signs that this is not good boyfriend material.

If you can learn anything from this experience then just be mindful of getting close too quickly before you have a chance to see any red flags. Experiencing a strong connection with someone early on can be great but a lot of oversharing can also create a level of false intimacy that can blind you to the warning signs.

You handled things very well and you should feel proud that you stuck to your guns about the type of relationship you are looking for. Continue to have those high standards and you will find the quality man you want.

Thank you so much! <3 Letting go of people has never been my strong suit, but I'm learning to how to do whats right for me and my happiness. I know you shouldn't generalize anyone you're absolutely right, I was just curious as to what others might have experienced being in similar situations. In certain past relationships that didn't work out, I would often take it personally even if the guy was not a good partner to me. Even in this particular situation, I had fleeting moment of self conscious self blame...but my own self respect eventually cleared my head. lol No one is perfect but I know I deserve better.

August 2, 2017

There are red flags and alarm bells ringing.

..... as dissapointing and confusing as it is...major major red flag(s).

August 2, 2017

Just because a man doesn't want commitment doesn't mean he's "afraid" of it. In his case, he simply doesn't want to be tied down -- and he has an alcohol problem that makes him impulsive (unless that was just an excuse -- you should know by now if he drinks too much and his personality changes or not).

He's just not ready and he may never be ready. He's nearing the age a lot of guys finally find the thrill of the chase has passed and begin to think about settling down -- but a lot of people never do.

August 3, 2017

I had a very similar thing just happen to me. I definitely feel you. Went on a few dates with a guy, had a great connection. He leaves town one weekend for a float trip.

He gets back, we hang out, he tries taking things more physically than we had gotten, tried taking off my clothes. I didn't let him and he respected it. Acted all coupley with me during our goodbye, with lingering handholding as we parted.

Then he stopped texting as much - there were a couple days I didn't hear anything from him. He told me he was sick over the week and had been vomiting...

A week after his trip and our last time seeing each other, I don't hear anything from him for 3 days straight, even after asking him how he was feeling. Then I say it's no big deal if he wasn't interested in what we were doing anymore that it's okay if he's not feeling it. No response. I finally ask if he was just wanting a rebound and it's not a big deal if he didn't see it going anywhere, I just want clarity.

He finally responded saying "It's not that. It wasn't any of that. I've been struggling to find a way to tell you this, but I don't think there's a good one. I met someone on the float trip and we got physical. I didn't feel like it was fair to you for obvious reasons and I'm honestly terrible at this kind of stuff. I didn't know how to tell you because I really do enjoy spending time with you, but it's not fair to you to continue like we were. I'm sorry for being nonexistent. There's no excuse for that."

I replied something about how we almost had sex. He said "She and I didn't have sex. I felt like it wasn't fair to you, because it wasn't like nothing happened. I definitely wasn't invested in you for just sex. I want more than that, but I also don't want to start off a relationship by being "unfaithful". You know what I mean?"

I responded "That makes sense. It's not like we agreed to be exclusive. So if you wanna pursue things with her, that's fine. If you're interested in seeing where things go with us, I'm still open to that because you were honest with me. But if your interest isn't there, I understand. And just to clarify, if you pursue things with her then I most definitely will not be seeing you again."

He said he understood and it's not fair to me and he's never been the kind of guy to date multiple women.

I wanted a straight answer so I just asked "So you'll be dating her now?"

No response.

I felt used, realizing he was physical with me after being physical with her so I sent "I keep thinking, I wish we hadn't gotten so physical last week, since you'd decided to date this other girl instead. I'm down for being purely platonic friends but that was wildly inappropriate behavior on your part."

I don't think I'll be hearing from him again. And I'm still grossed out so I don't want to.

August 3, 2017

I had a very similar thing just happen to me. I definitely feel you. Went on a few dates with a guy, had a great connection. He leaves town one weekend for a float trip.

He gets back, we hang out, he tries taking things more physically than we had gotten, tried taking off my clothes. I didn't let him and he respected it. Acted all coupley with me during our goodbye, with lingering handholding as we parted.

Then he stopped texting as much - there were a couple days I didn't hear anything from him. He told me he was sick over the week and had been vomiting...

A week after his trip and our last time seeing each other, I don't hear anything from him for 3 days straight, even after asking him how he was feeling. Then I say it's no big deal if he wasn't interested in what we were doing anymore that it's okay if he's not feeling it. No response. I finally ask if he was just wanting a rebound and it's not a big deal if he didn't see it going anywhere, I just want clarity.

He finally responded saying "It's not that. It wasn't any of that. I've been struggling to find a way to tell you this, but I don't think there's a good one. I met someone on the float trip and we got physical. I didn't feel like it was fair to you for obvious reasons and I'm honestly terrible at this kind of stuff. I didn't know how to tell you because I really do enjoy spending time with you, but it's not fair to you to continue like we were. I'm sorry for being nonexistent. There's no excuse for that."

I replied something about how we almost had sex. He said "She and I didn't have sex. I felt like it wasn't fair to you, because it wasn't like nothing happened. I definitely wasn't invested in you for just sex. I want more than that, but I also don't want to start off a relationship by being "unfaithful". You know what I mean?"

I responded "That makes sense. It's not like we agreed to be exclusive. So if you wanna pursue things with her, that's fine. If you're interested in seeing where things go with us, I'm still open to that because you were honest with me. But if your interest isn't there, I understand. And just to clarify, if you pursue things with her then I most definitely will not be seeing you again."

He said he understood and it's not fair to me and he's never been the kind of guy to date multiple women.

I wanted a straight answer so I just asked "So you'll be dating her now?"

No response.

I felt used, realizing he was physical with me after being physical with her so I sent "I keep thinking, I wish we hadn't gotten so physical last week, since you'd decided to date this other girl instead. I'm down for being purely platonic friends but that was wildly inappropriate behavior on your part."

I don't think I'll be hearing from him again. And I'm still grossed out so I don't want to.

I dont get it. Why cant he date you both seeing as you arent exclusive?

August 3, 2017

I dont get it. Why cant he date you both seeing as you arent exclusive?

She told him that she did not want to be in an open relationship if I read that correctly. And he also said that he wasn't the multiple dating type.

August 3, 2017

I had a very similar thing just happen to me. I definitely feel you. Went on a few dates with a guy, had a great connection. He leaves town one weekend for a float trip.

He gets back, we hang out, he tries taking things more physically than we had gotten, tried taking off my clothes. I didn't let him and he respected it. Acted all coupley with me during our goodbye, with lingering handholding as we parted.

Then he stopped texting as much - there were a couple days I didn't hear anything from him. He told me he was sick over the week and had been vomiting...

A week after his trip and our last time seeing each other, I don't hear anything from him for 3 days straight, even after asking him how he was feeling. Then I say it's no big deal if he wasn't interested in what we were doing anymore that it's okay if he's not feeling it. No response. I finally ask if he was just wanting a rebound and it's not a big deal if he didn't see it going anywhere, I just want clarity.

He finally responded saying "It's not that. It wasn't any of that. I've been struggling to find a way to tell you this, but I don't think there's a good one. I met someone on the float trip and we got physical. I didn't feel like it was fair to you for obvious reasons and I'm honestly terrible at this kind of stuff. I didn't know how to tell you because I really do enjoy spending time with you, but it's not fair to you to continue like we were. I'm sorry for being nonexistent. There's no excuse for that."

I replied something about how we almost had sex. He said "She and I didn't have sex. I felt like it wasn't fair to you, because it wasn't like nothing happened. I definitely wasn't invested in you for just sex. I want more than that, but I also don't want to start off a relationship by being "unfaithful". You know what I mean?"

I responded "That makes sense. It's not like we agreed to be exclusive. So if you wanna pursue things with her, that's fine. If you're interested in seeing where things go with us, I'm still open to that because you were honest with me. But if your interest isn't there, I understand. And just to clarify, if you pursue things with her then I most definitely will not be seeing you again."

He said he understood and it's not fair to me and he's never been the kind of guy to date multiple women.

I wanted a straight answer so I just asked "So you'll be dating her now?"

No response.

I felt used, realizing he was physical with me after being physical with her so I sent "I keep thinking, I wish we hadn't gotten so physical last week, since you'd decided to date this other girl instead. I'm down for being purely platonic friends but that was wildly inappropriate behavior on your part."

I don't think I'll be hearing from him again. And I'm still grossed out so I don't want to.

Yes your situation does sound similar. Was this a guy you met through a friend...online? I didn't have to deal with the not answering part like you did, but the whole situation still took me by surprise. We were also never physical beyond the typical heavy making out stage, but he was never pushy/expectant about it either. It sounds like you said correspondence stopped soon after you two didn't get physical? I'm fairly new to this whole dating game, and am nowhere near an expert like many others on here...but perhaps that might have been a deal breaker for him...despite what he said. It also seems like he might be considering pursuing this other girl instead, which might be why he didn't respond after you asked him straight up about her...he felt guilty.

August 3, 2017

She told him that she did not want to be in an open relationship if I read that correctly. And he also said that he wasn't the multiple dating type.

Yeah, that's exactly why. He said he's not the multiple dating type and I don't want to date a guy who tries to get physical with more than one woman.

August 3, 2017

Yes your situation does sound similar. Was this a guy you met through a friend...online? I didn't have to deal with the not answering part like you did, but the whole situation still took me by surprise. We were also never physical beyond the typical heavy making out stage, but he was never pushy/expectant about it either. It sounds like you said correspondence stopped soon after you two didn't get physical? I'm fairly new to this whole dating game, and am nowhere near an expert like many others on here...but perhaps that might have been a deal breaker for him...despite what he said. It also seems like he might be considering pursuing this other girl instead, which might be why he didn't respond after you asked him straight up about her...he felt guilty.

We first met at a car dealership but nothing came of that meeting. Later matched on Tinder. Yeah, I think he's definitely pursuing this other girl instead. And I think it's weird for not getting more physical to be a deal breaker, since we weren't in a relationship. If that was a case, he was definitely a bad match. And this all came after a conversation when we were last together that I am very careful with my sexual health and got tested recently and am clean lol.

August 3, 2017

Because he specifically mentioned needing to get a handle on his drinking, that is probably more his problem. He probably liked you but while drunk kissed her. He's also implying that he has behaved similarly in the past & has said that he respects you enough not to want to do that to you.

All in all I don't think he's a jerk or even "afraid" of commitment. I think he's flawed & possibility addicted to alcohol but considering doing something about it.

For now let him be. Move on to somebody who has their act more together.

August 3, 2017

All in all I don't think he's a jerk or even "afraid" of commitment. I think he's flawed & possibility addicted to alcohol but considering doing something about it.

For now let him be. Move on to somebody who has their act more together.

This. And, when he tells you that he has a problem with alcohol, believe him. You don't want to date anyone who has a problem with alcohol. That's not going to lead to a happy life... I'm sorry.

August 3, 2017

Because he specifically mentioned needing to get a handle on his drinking, that is probably more his problem. He probably liked you but while drunk kissed her. He's also implying that he has behaved similarly in the past & has said that he respects you enough not to want to do that to you.

All in all I don't think he's a jerk or even "afraid" of commitment. I think he's flawed & possibility addicted to alcohol but considering doing something about it.

For now let him be. Move on to somebody who has their act more together.

That's exactly how I feel about it. I don't think hes a bad guy, he has personal issues he needs to work on alone.

August 3, 2017

We first met at a car dealership but nothing came of that meeting. Later matched on Tinder. Yeah, I think he's definitely pursuing this other girl instead. And I think it's weird for not getting more physical to be a deal breaker, since we weren't in a relationship. If that was a case, he was definitely a bad match. And this all came after a conversation when we were last together that I am very careful with my sexual health and got tested recently and am clean lol.

Yea it sounds like he may have thought about it, made up his mind, but didn't know how to tell you (I've had boyfriends do similar things). I'm sorry. It sucks when things are going well with a new guy, then a complete 180 shift in his behavior sneaks up on you and pops your bubble. At least in your situation (like mine as well), you didn't see him for that long. I know it doesn't sting any less when you invest your time, energy, emotions...but could you have imagined if you started seeing him in a committed relationship before he did something like this? No good. lol

August 3, 2017

Yea it sounds like he may have thought about it, made up his mind, but didn't know how to tell you (I've had boyfriends do similar things). I'm sorry. It sucks when things are going well with a new guy, then a complete 180 shift in his behavior sneaks up on you and pops your bubble. At least in your situation (like mine as well), you didn't see him for that long. I know it doesn't sting any less when you invest your time, energy, emotions...but could you have imagined if you started seeing him in a committed relationship before he did something like this? No good. lol

I am SO SO glad I didn't see him that long. It would have hurt so much more if it happened after establishing a committed relationship. But this is just like an annoyance to me and I keep wondering "When's it my turn to finally end up with someone?"

I'm more irritated than anything lol

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