protonelectron Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 (edited) So I had been hanging out with this girl for a while. We were just hanging out as friends for a couple months. We would see each other at least once a week and occasionally 2 to 3 times. We only really went climbing, slack lining or worked out together. I had asked her a couple times to do something more along the lines of a date but she always would say she was busy. Then one day, my one friend who knows this girl as well told me she told him she was seeing someone. So I confronted her and told her I liked her. She then ended up telling me that she was seeing someone and she would never go out with me and we could only be friends. She comes from a strict hasidic jewish family so not sure if that has anything to do with it. I was kinda confused and shocked why she wouldn't have mentioned anything like this to me at all before. She would always act kinda flirtatious with me such as: asking me to stretch her and complement my eyes, body and personality traits. So to say the least I was quite hurt. Since then we don't really talk, but we went climbing once. After that I stopped texting her to hangout. However she recently texted me to go climbing, but ended up we couldn't because the place was closed. Since then we haven't talked. Today though, I saw her at a starbucks like a block from my place and thought that was pretty weird.I told her I lived in that area like multiple times, it's possible she forgot, but I kinda doubt it. I just thought I was weird to see her there by herself as she doesn't even live in the area. Anyways I texted her here is a blip of the first part of the convo Me : "Did I just see you at the starbucks or was I hallucinating?" her: "Lol yes, Were you driving?" Me: "Neat, just chillin like a block from my place. If I didn't know any better I'd call you a stalker. Yeah, I was. I saw you eating something with a spoon though so wasn't sure if it was you, cause I couldn't imagine you eating a food that requires that utensil" her:"Nice-didn't know you lived near here. You could still call me a stalker... I was eating a nectarine.. without a spoon. So you might have been partially hallucinating" I was just curious about her saying "You could still call me a stalker..." if that is her flirting or not. I might must be over thinking that sentence. I mean the ellipses could be used for unsaid content or it could be a change of topic. That ellipses placement is kinda ****ed. Edited August 2, 2017 by protonelectron
smackie9 Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 You are totally wrong...she was just joking/being friendly. There is nothing sexual or romantic in that conversation from her at all. 3
smackie9 Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 (edited) The more I read her comment....you can read between the lines that she's putting the breaks on you. Eating a necturine (forbiden fruit).....without a spoon (without you or penis) you must have been hallucinating....(you are dreaming buddy) Anyways maybe she's seeing a girl and didn't want to get into it. Edited August 2, 2017 by smackie9 1
Author protonelectron Posted August 2, 2017 Author Posted August 2, 2017 I'd like to believe she is seeing a girl.
Author protonelectron Posted August 2, 2017 Author Posted August 2, 2017 She has sent me things in the past. Like one time I said "so you're a goody two shoes (angle face). Then she replied "maybe, maybe not (devil face).
smackie9 Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 That's not really flirting......Look you gave it a shot...it's time to move onto other things.
smackie9 Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 You like someone....it happens. Just lower your expectations next time....stop being so invested, and go with the flow. Girls like a guy that acts aloof and less available. Basically do the opposite of what you have been doing.
Author protonelectron Posted August 2, 2017 Author Posted August 2, 2017 That's what I have been doing and I think that's what caused her to text me to climb. I wasn't acting like a total pushover. Thanks for the advice. I think you are right I just have to be more aloof from now on with girls.
smackie9 Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 You still need to be confident and direct about your intentions....no frittering around being their buddy. If they don't want to date you, you ditch them and stop wasting your time. If they are not saying yes, you are saying OK, later.... 3
Author protonelectron Posted August 2, 2017 Author Posted August 2, 2017 Thanks for you advice smakie9. Really appreciate your help. I just have never been thought a girl has liked me before and ever really been wrong about it. I just felt like I was being gas lit when she said she only liked me as a friend. Makes me feel crazy for thinking that she ever liked me.
smackie9 Posted August 3, 2017 Posted August 3, 2017 It's because you let your emotions/desires do the thinking....that's when you see things that are not there. 1
kendahke Posted August 3, 2017 Posted August 3, 2017 Thanks for you advice smakie9. Really appreciate your help. I just have never been thought a girl has liked me before and ever really been wrong about it. I just felt like I was being gas lit when she said she only liked me as a friend. Makes me feel crazy for thinking that she ever liked me. You weren't being gaslit by her--you were gaslighting yourself. She liked you--enough to want to go climbing, etc., with you, but that didn't mean she was enamored with you and wanted you as her lover. You decided that because you liked her and she was friendly that that meant she wanted you as her boyfriend. And instead of asking her early on if she had a boyfriend, you decided to not get that important bit of information and proceeded with what you wanted in spite of it. You rather did this to yourself. 1
preraph Posted August 3, 2017 Posted August 3, 2017 There is absolutely no reason to be second-guessing and reading things into what she says now because she's already been completely straightforward with you about that you are never going to have more than a friendship with her. So now she's willing to just be friends but you probably shouldn't do it since you want more. No one who is that straightforward is going to Waffle on their decision.
Author protonelectron Posted August 4, 2017 Author Posted August 4, 2017 You weren't being gaslit by her--you were gaslighting yourself. She liked you--enough to want to go climbing, etc., with you, but that didn't mean she was enamored with you and wanted you as her lover. You decided that because you liked her and she was friendly that that meant she wanted you as her boyfriend. And instead of asking her early on if she had a boyfriend, you decided to not get that important bit of information and proceeded with what you wanted in spite of it. You rather did this to yourself. Well I mean I asked her out multiple times, but she never mentioned having a boyfriend she always just said she was busy. Would have thought she would say she had a bf when I asked her out.
act00 Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 She liked the flirting, and she liked the attention. She knew you would back off and even disappear if she let you in on the fact she has a boyfriend, which is why she completely avoided ever saying it. You touched her (stretches) and talked to her, and she liked it. Now the cat is out of the bag. You found out she has a boyfriend, asked her about it, and she confirmed. Now it's time to move on. Being "just a friend" won't work for you, as you have feelings for her. Her flirtation and closeness, touching, physical contact (stretching) will confuse you and cause emotional turmoil. Her behavior suggests to me she's maybe not be 100% happy with her relationship and is keeping a foot in the door, so to speak, because she should have mentioned her boyfriend a long time ago. She likes the attention and it comes across as a bit of cheating to encourage you, but not mention her man. You don't want that kind of girl. Even if she broke up with him, you don't want someone fresh out of a relationship. Her background can be an issue as well. You're sensing religious/family/cultural issues, and that's not something that's going to go away, so it seems this is all just a bust from the start. She led you on. Sorry.
kendahke Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 Well I mean I asked her out multiple times, but she never mentioned having a boyfriend she always just said she was busy. Would have thought she would say she had a bf when I asked her out. Did you ask her those multiple time if she had a boyfriend? There's no reason why you couldn't have taken that initiative yourself, since it is an important piece of information.
Author protonelectron Posted August 4, 2017 Author Posted August 4, 2017 (edited) No I never asked if she had a boyfriend I just assumed that when I asked her out she would have said that first off. She said "Maybe later on" when I asked her so I assumed that meant no bf. Of course she was totally fine when I asked her to do hot yoga, which you're like 90% naked, but wouldn't go out to eat with me, haha go figure. Now I guess I should have asked directly, at least I know to be more direct in the future. I also suppose that she could be lying and doesn't even have a boyfriend which might make sense in this situation. Maybe she just wanted to see how things would go then made up the boyfriend as an excuse. But as I said I found out she was seeing someone from my other friend so she would have had to lie to him in the first place. Also she didn't ever once initiate a text to me to hangout, which leads me to believe she may actually be seeing someone. Only until about 3 weeks of me stopping texting her was the first time she first initiated a text to me to go climbing, which I didn't expect, since I had literally always been the one to ask her. Pretty much did gas lit myself @kendahke. Live and learn I guess. Thanks for your help and input all, much appreciated. Edited August 4, 2017 by protonelectron
Author protonelectron Posted August 4, 2017 Author Posted August 4, 2017 She liked the flirting, and she liked the attention. She knew you would back off and even disappear if she let you in on the fact she has a boyfriend, which is why she completely avoided ever saying it. You touched her (stretches) and talked to her, and she liked it. Now the cat is out of the bag. You found out she has a boyfriend, asked her about it, and she confirmed. Now it's time to move on. Being "just a friend" won't work for you, as you have feelings for her. Her flirtation and closeness, touching, physical contact (stretching) will confuse you and cause emotional turmoil. Her behavior suggests to me she's maybe not be 100% happy with her relationship and is keeping a foot in the door, so to speak, because she should have mentioned her boyfriend a long time ago. She likes the attention and it comes across as a bit of cheating to encourage you, but not mention her man. You don't want that kind of girl. Even if she broke up with him, you don't want someone fresh out of a relationship. Her background can be an issue as well. You're sensing religious/family/cultural issues, and that's not something that's going to go away, so it seems this is all just a bust from the start. She led you on. Sorry. Thanks for the kind words and good advice act00.
Miss Spider Posted August 5, 2017 Posted August 5, 2017 (edited) Don't do this to yourself, OP. She just wants to be friends. Why do people(men) put themselves in these situations. These "LJBF" situations are sooo not cool. You have feelings for her and so you will treat her better than any of her other friends. I mean any of your actual friends. No doubt she is using into her advantage by giving you little scraps, flirting, then saying LJBF. That's not what friends do.... You have romantic feelings for her so this will never be a balanced relationship or true friendship. You need to cut her off. Surely there are other people who can go rock climbing with. Edited August 5, 2017 by Cookiesandough
Author protonelectron Posted August 7, 2017 Author Posted August 7, 2017 Don't do this to yourself, OP. She just wants to be friends. Why do people(men) put themselves in these situations. These "LJBF" situations are sooo not cool. You have feelings for her and so you will treat her better than any of her other friends. I mean any of your actual friends. No doubt she is using into her advantage by giving you little scraps, flirting, then saying LJBF. That's not what friends do.... You have romantic feelings for her so this will never be a balanced relationship or true friendship. You need to cut her off. Surely there are other people who can go rock climbing with. Too hard for me to cut her off. I am just going to attempt a robbery.
Recommended Posts