gamlefisken Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 Hi LS, I have been dating my girlfriend for 6 months now. When we met I had been recovering from a hard breakup after long term relationship. She is a truly wonderful person and we had a great connection. It was sort of a match made in heaven for a variety of reasons. My ex left me without any notice besides that she seemed unhappy for a brief period before the break. It became clear to me as she continued to be manipulative to me after the breakup that the relationship was built on a spark between the two of us, not deeper respect, trust or admiration. With my new girlfriend things coudln't be different. She is the most admirable person I know, and we both value each other and have come to be very close partners. It is worth noting she is slightly older and more invested in her career and working life. Things have been going well, we never fight and have both been great partners to each other. There are no reasons for there to be trust issues, and we are both very invested in the relationship. Recently, she has been going through some problems emotionally due to her financial obligations and has been stressed because she is overworked. It has been challenging not to allow those problems to translate into anxiety about the relationship. Still, she wants to hang out every day and we still have great times together. It's obvious that I have some trust problems due to my last relationship. Do you (the interwebs) have any advice for how to handle this? Thanks a lot.
smackie9 Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 Be more supportive and you will reap the rewards. 2
d0nnivain Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 Let her talk about her stress. Offer to help her with budgeting. Go on cheaper dates, especially if she is splitting the costs. Brainstorm with her about how to save money or earn more. Do not outright loan her money. If she's overworked, so something to take something off her plate like offer to do chores with her or for her; pick up her dry cleaning, go grocery shopping for her etc. 4
OatsAndHall Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 You're two steps ahead in the game because a) you realize that you may have trust issues and b) you have trust issues that are triggered by the stresses in her life. That's more than I can say about most people I know. I suggest that you practice active mindfulness and develop some coping skills to help you deal with the anxiety when it pops up. When you start becoming anxious, stop, do some deep breathing exercises until your head clears a little bit and then remind yourself of the root of you anxiety. During this process, avoid thinking about ways to "fix" your anxiety. Focus intently on what you have said; your anxiety if born out of past experience and not from her. This has worked wonders for me. 1
CptInsano Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 Let her talk about her stress. Offer to help her with budgeting. Go on cheaper dates, especially if she is splitting the costs. Brainstorm with her about how to save money or earn more. Do not outright loan her money. I would be very cautious with budgeting help. I think most people have a very emotional relationship with their money and what it enables them to do. If you inject yourself into this, it allows them to externalize the problem because "you took things away". Or in other words, this approach blew up horribly the few times I tried. If she's overworked, so something to take something off her plate like offer to do chores with her or for her; pick up her dry cleaning, go grocery shopping for her etc. This one I wholeheartedly agree with. There are very tangible benefits to a relationship, and having somebody's back during a tough time is one of them. I remember when I cooked a lot a lot at home because it was all I could afford. It didn't seem nearly as bad because I was in a relationship, and at least I had good company. 1
girlinNYC Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 Although you can't control much of what happens at her workplace, i.e. feeling overworked, focus on what you can control - the facets of your private life. Cook dinner (assuming you live together), iron her clothes for the next day, buy her a bunch of flowers to cheer her up, do some joint meditation - 10 minutes a day works wonders for stress relief. If she sees you putting in a consistent effort to make her feel better, she will appreciate it, therefore she will hold you in higher esteem than she already does, which will (hopefully) eradicate any relationship anxiety you have. A person who appreciates you will never hurt you. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 I would be very cautious with budgeting help. I think most people have a very emotional relationship with their money and what it enables them to do. If you inject yourself into this, it allows them to externalize the problem because "you took things away". Or in other words, this approach blew up horribly the few times I tried.. Let me clarify. The OP only needs to structure the bones of the budget: write down the categories for his GF to fill in. How much is she spending on rent, food, clothes, insurance, transportation, entertainment, etc? and does she know of any way to reduce them? Maybe it's a simple as Netflix v movies & eating in / learning to cook. She has to make the decisions. He needs to keep his mouth shut other than to ask Qs. It all has to be her decision but he can point to frugal websites, encourage thriftiness & maybe teach her about snowballing to reduce credit card debt. 1
CptInsano Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 Let me clarify. The OP only needs to structure the bones of the budget: write down the categories for his GF to fill in. How much is she spending on rent, food, clothes, insurance, transportation, entertainment, etc? and does she know of any way to reduce them? Maybe it's a simple as Netflix v movies & eating in / learning to cook. She has to make the decisions. He needs to keep his mouth shut other than to ask Qs. It all has to be her decision but he can point to frugal websites, encourage thriftiness & maybe teach her about snowballing to reduce credit card debt. I hear what you are saying, and from a purely logical standpoint it makes sense, but in my experience the response is often emotional. Think of it more along the lines of bringing home healthy food, working out, and establishing healthy habits in a relationship where one spouse is overweight. Even if he keeps his mouth shut his intent is obvious, resulting in a very delicate balance. Very few people enjoy being taught by their spouse about an issue that is existential to them. 1
OatsAndHall Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 Let me clarify. The OP only needs to structure the bones of the budget: write down the categories for his GF to fill in. How much is she spending on rent, food, clothes, insurance, transportation, entertainment, etc? and does she know of any way to reduce them? Maybe it's a simple as Netflix v movies & eating in / learning to cook. She has to make the decisions. He needs to keep his mouth shut other than to ask Qs. It all has to be her decision but he can point to frugal websites, encourage thriftiness & maybe teach her about snowballing to reduce credit card debt. I have to agree with CptInsano on this one. In my experience, logical, rational discussions about finances can become heated in a hurry. I should be something very simple to talk about; someone makes X amount of dollars and they can't spend more than that X amount of dollars. But, it rarely is as money is a serious trigger for some people. For example, my last serious girlfriend worked very hard but she was making crap money in a dead-end job. She was good about managing her money with one exception; she bought coffee grounds that were literally three times the price of Folgers. We sat down and went through her finances one afternoon (at her request) and I realized she was spending nearly 20% of her take-home income on this coffee. I pointed this out and told her that she could save herself a lot of money if she'd buy cheaper coffee for a little while. That didn't go over well... She stated that she would only drink that brand of coffee, it was her one vice, and she wouldn't give it up. I tapped out of that conversation in a hurry. She was visibly upset that I even mentioned it.
smackie9 Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 Good lord that coffee must have been made of gold! Starbucks? It's one thing to discuss finances, it's another to tell someone to cut back on their addiction.
ayoung73 Posted August 7, 2017 Posted August 7, 2017 Congratulations, she sounds fantastic, and more of a ‘match made in Heaven’ than your first girlfriend! As a wise old Jedi said many many many light-years ago, Do or Do Not, there is no Try! Trust her, commit, and let the relationship unfold without the baggage of your past interfering with this relationship. The question, has she given you any reason not to trust her, if so, confront it and resolve it. You said her anxiety over financial issues are being transposed into your relationship, is there anything you feel comfortable with regarding her financial obligations? Can you help out, providing some financial support to ease her anxiety? Is there any organization you can tap into that would help with her finances? Financial counseling strategies, church members who are money minded, friends, or something along those lines? If you don’t feel comfortable sharing this type of responsibility (not married, not in a position to help, no disposable income etc.), then attend to her needs, reassure her, your commitment, and pamper her on the days she is especially anxious-serve her, you’d be amazed how powerful this type of gesture can be, putting your needs aside and serving another! And most of all, communicate with her, especially if your trust issues are creating a problem, but really, give up the past, she’s another person and deserves all of you!
staggerlee71 Posted August 7, 2017 Posted August 7, 2017 This is truly a pivotal moment in your growth as a person and in a relationship. the advice your getting is to show support, love, and commitment to this women, when in fact, your anxiety is coming from that very place. I get that she is beginning to focus on herself, her problems, not you and past issues are coming up. you see, this is an opportunity to give, against your false intuition. Go, go ahead and support her, give, give, give, and see what happens. If you retreat, go to your crappy safe place, it will turn on you. so dig deep, give to her with no expectation that it is coming back. try as hard as you can to make it about her and not you. she will love you in the end
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