LB2016 Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 So I was casually seeing a guy for a year. The entire time- things never progressed. He kept saying he "wasn't sure", he was confused and not in a good place in his life. But yet as I saw it, he kept throwing me crumbs to keep me around. I finally got the strength to tell him IF he wants to pursue anything, to contact me. If not, to NOT contact me so I can try to move on. Well, it's been 5 weeks now (longest ever!), I haven't heard a peep from him and I've been in no contact. I know it's what NEEDS to be done but it's oh soooo damn hard. And it seems that it's actually getting HARDER as days pass, instead of easier! He is constantly on my mind and yes- I wish I'd look at my phone and see a text from him. It's killing me. Some days are worse than others. Just wondering if I am normal..lol.
2011EvoGSR Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 Yes you are totally normal. I'm on 30 plus days of NC some days are better then others. But each day it gets easier. What has helped me to move on is to swallow my pride and understand that my ex made the choice to not be with me and to go back to her abusive ex husband. She picked him over me. I showed her a better way of life and she went back to an abusive relationship. Your situation is no different you were in it all the way and he decided to pick not having you instead of accepting you and moving things along.
HarmonyDriven Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 Keep up the good work! No contact!! Since we all have our faults, I think you should concentrate on his faults.....YES he has them! When you currently think about him, it is just a fantasy. It will never be the same relationship you had. Quite frankly, with how you described it, sounds like the relationship was just one sided---yours. Suggestion - if you keep him in your contacts - list him as DO NOT CALL JOHN and put the POOP emoji next to his name. This way, if you get the urge to call/text him, you won't - because you don't need that crap! Also, in the future, if your relationship needs are not met within a few months, time to move on and not wait a year. Good luck. 1
stockyoldfrump Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 I think it ebbs and flows a bit. It's incredibly difficult right away because the breakup is fresh and you're used to talking to them all the time. I'd say that, in the week or two following, it's actually a bit easier because some of the drama of the breakup has dissipated and, at the very least, you still kind of hope they might come back. When you hit a month it gets horrible again because the finality is setting in and you start to realize they're actually not coming back and don't care. You have this desire to reach out and do something. Then at about six or eight weeks it gets slightly easier again as you start to come to grips with how permanent things are. At some point it just gets easier and easier, both because your feelings settle and because you wouldn't even know what to say if you did text them. Two weeks out, it's almost like the words would come pouring out and seem reasonable. After three months, it all seems so distant and awkward and impossible that to even think of texting no longer feels like a temptation, but sort of this terrifying unknown thing that you're fundamentally afraid to consider. 1
preraph Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 Yes it gets easier. Because the goal is for your focus to shift and not be reminded of him all the time, not fanning the dying flame, so so speak, and for you to move on. But it's been long enough now that it's time you make an effort to reconnect with friends and go do fun things with them and not bring him up while you're doing it. You want new associations and memories that he is not a part of. Go do things on your own too, whatever you enjoy. Stay busy and distracted. Good luck.
Author LB2016 Posted August 2, 2017 Author Posted August 2, 2017 Thank you for all your replies and advice! 2011EvoGSR- I'm sorry you're going through this too and that she "picked" him over you. It IS her loss though! For her to go back to an abusive partner speaks volumes about where she is at emotionally. It sounds like you were too "healthy" for her and she's just not ready for that. Thanks, HarmonyDriven! I am proud of myself for lasting this long! Yes, I agree to NOT wait around in the future like this again. It's that there was just SOMETHING with him that I never felt before and I really liked him. The chemistry was crazy. So, I was holding on to any ounce of hope I could that one day, he'd come around. No such thing happened though. When it really started screwing with my head and emotions though, I knew it was time to throw in the towel. It was def one sided- all me. Amazing how we become so blind to it all when you're IN it. Stocky and preraph, thank you for the reassurance and the hope that it will get better. It definitely does seem like it was easier a few weeks ago. I don't know what happened over the LAST 2 weeks though. It was like I got knocked on my a** again. I want SO badly to not have him on my mind all the time and to NOT feel that pit in my stomach. I think the more I fight it though, the worse it gets.
Author LB2016 Posted August 2, 2017 Author Posted August 2, 2017 On another note though- with his birthday coming up would it be a HORRIBLE idea to send him a quick happy birthday text? Part of me feels bad to not acknowledge it since I did and do care about the guy. Just doesn't seem right... Thoughts?!
HarmonyDriven Posted August 3, 2017 Posted August 3, 2017 Nope - no contact. Do not send him a birthday text.... Truth be told, I am in NC right now, 3 year relationship - over. His birthday is coming up and I kept wondering the same thing.....should I send a birthday text. I came back here and reviewed the No Contact Rules - and NOPE - not gonna do it. This NC is FOR YOU. No birthday text, card, call - NOTHING. It does not mean you are insensitive. It means you are moving on with your life, he is no longer in it. PERIOD.
Author LB2016 Posted August 3, 2017 Author Posted August 3, 2017 LOL @ you reviewing the "rules" of no contact, Harmony. I did the same thing and found the same answers! I was just wondering if I should just go with my heart, but I do think that would open me open to more harm. My text won't make a damn bit of difference in his life, so I'll save myself the pain. Thanks for saving me! How long have you been in NC after your 3 year relationship now? I'm sure it's so tough!
FenixRising Posted August 3, 2017 Posted August 3, 2017 5 weeks is awesome!! You are doing better than how you might feel. And yes, it will cause more pain to send just that tiny Birthday greeting. It might feel great for a moment but will send you into a deep low mood and you will have to start the climb all over again. You have a giant heart and yes it will only open you up to more harm than good if you break NC. How about on his birthday you make sure to fully book your day with heaps of things to keep you busy, like spending time with friends, working, diy projects, pampering day, going to the movies or anything that makes you turn your phone off in case you feel like txting on his birthday. Good luck!
HarmonyDriven Posted August 3, 2017 Posted August 3, 2017 (edited) I have been in NC for a few weeks. But, have not seen him in approx 5 weeks. I think we were moving toward a break up since May. It was amicable and we wished the best for each other....so on good terms. With that said, no contact is crucial for both of us. Actually, I am doing better than I thought. While I think of him often, I concentrate on the negatives and realize I am in a much better place without him. He is the not the right person for me. This does not mean he is not a good guy....just not the one for me. Just like I am not the right person for him. Simple. Break ups happen for a reason....something is not right, something doesn't fit. But we all need to move on.....and we will. Simple. No contact is the way to go. Edited August 3, 2017 by HarmonyDriven
Author LB2016 Posted August 3, 2017 Author Posted August 3, 2017 Thanks, Fenix! I still can't believe I lasted this long myself! lol. Yes- it IS better than how I actually feel. There are the bad days, but some good ones too. I agree- the curiosity of sending a text and seeing his response is appealing but if I DON'T get the response I am subconsciously wanting or looking for- it WILL throw me all off and flush the weeks down the drain! I DO plan on spending the day having fun! I'm actually going for an overnight trip to the local casino with my friend. It wasn't planned that way- just worked out to be the same date but worked out for the best! I'm looking forward to it I feel for you, Harmony and I agree. Breakups (unless something "bad" happened) doesn't make someone a bad person. It is what it is. You guys both tried and it just didn't work. Better to come to this realization NOW before it was too late and more time was invested. When you peel away allll of the layers, it CAN just be very simple. I think what makes it harder for me in this situation is with all the "good" I felt was there, we didn't even have a CHANCE to see how things would be if we DID progress and become exclusive. It never even got that far- he never let it. But I feel the feelings were there. He would tell me he liked me a lot, that he cared about me and how he thought we'd be a good couple, making it seem like he was interested in pursuing something more, but again- it never happened. So it's almost like a wasted opportunity. The open ending and uncertainty makes me sad and crazy at the same time. lol I guess overall, he didn't see things in the same way or want it bad enough for that matter. I don't know what to say about him really. I still to this day can't identify if he was playing me the whole time, using me, or just overall confused and lost in his life, not knowing what he wanted/wants. All articles say when a guy wants a girl, he'll pursue her and go after her...otherwise he's just not that into you. I don't know that that can be applied to ALL situations though. I do think there are exceptions and situations where it's not so black and white. Maybe that's just me not wanting to believe he never had feelings for me like I thought..I don't know I just wish I hadn't invested as much time, energy and feelings into it for it to end up like this. But that was my choice and I take full responsibility for it and honestly- I don't regret it because it was some of the best memories and everything happens for a reason.
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