Living together

[Kisskiss56]

My bf and I have been together for a couple of years and want to live together before getting engaged and married. (I know some people dont believe in living togethet before he puts a ring on it, but we both come from broken families and we want to see if we can live with eachother before taking the next step, and try to advoid divorce as much as possible)

 

Is there any advice anyone has about living with a boyfriend/girlfriend? Anything specific we should talk about before moving in together. We decided we will both be living at my place and share expenses 50/50. He is in his early 30s and i am towards my late 20s.

[d0nnivain]

Living together is a personal choice. I only caution against it here on LS when the people post that they are totally in love, it's the most special ever & they have known each other for 2 weeks.

 

 

I have lived with 3 men, including my husband who did not move in until a few months before our wedding. well after we were engaged.

 

 

My advice:

 

 

1. Don't co-mingle the money. Do talk about how you will split bills; whether any utilities will be switched to his name.

 

 

2. Talk about décor. What from his place is coming into yours? Where will the big pieces go? What will happen to the extras . . .the bed, the couch etc.? what will happen to the little things . . . plates, cups, silverware, coffee maker, etc?

 

 

3. Talk about chores. Who does what? If one cooks does the other have to clean? How do you both food shop -- coupons; name brands v. store brands; competing brands? How do you both feel about wet towels on the bathroom floor & dirty socks? Does he know how to wash your stuff? After too many laundry disasters, my husband is forbidden from touching my unmentionables & my sweaters. I was never able to get it through his head that cashmere only goes to the dry cleaners.

 

 

4. Wifi bandwidth . . . do you have enough?

 

 

5. Need for time alone. Both DH & I need time to decompress & don't like being bombarded even with hugs & kisses upon entering the house. My first BF got home after me & he wanted immediate attention. I'd been home a while so it was OK. When he was on an extended leave for an illness / injury it was tough for me to be immediately "on" without decompressing first.

 

 

6. Talk about expectations regarding friends. Can you each still go out with your buddies? Are any activities off limits? What about friends crashing at your place or inviting people over? Do you have to ask / get permission from the other or are unilateral invites OK? Similarly can one of you bind the other to a social commitment without asking or not?

[fieldoflavender]

This is difficult to talk about - but given what I went through, talk about what happens if you guys don't work out - since it's your place, he will move out? And are you signing anything? You have to legally protect your stuff/rights and he should have protection over his too.

 

Yeah if someone told me this in April, I would have laughed in their face. And after suffering the consequences, I am just transferring a bit of wisdom. Never put yourself and your assets in a vulnerable position.

[coolheadal]

My bf and I have been together for a couple of years and want to live together before getting engaged and married. (I know some people dont believe in living togethet before he puts a ring on it, but we both come from broken families and we want to see if we can live with eachother before taking the next step, and try to advoid divorce as much as possible)

 

Is there any advice anyone has about living with a boyfriend/girlfriend? Anything specific we should talk about before moving in together. We decided we will both be living at my place and share expenses 50/50. He is in his early 30s and i am towards my late 20s.

 

Broken families you say? Do you both really love each other first? If you don't yet then shouldn't move in together just so fast. Broken families not really a good sign you both didn't get the structure of loving family, now you have to learn how to avoid the pit falls of a broken family. Yes no one wants divorce either but it can happen.

 

He's 30 so he has some experience already, are you his first one he has moved in with? If you both are new to this living together you going to have to:

 

1. Trust

2. Work at it

3. Communicate

4. Avoid Situations that cause you to argue

5. Who's stuck with the bills

6. Who's stuck cleaning the house (buy robots to keep the house/apt clean)

7. It's your turn to take out the trash

8. Who's making breakfast, lunch and dinner..

9. Try to do things more together in the house.

 

#9 Is a must otherwise you two will get bored of each others close company real fast.

 

My advise to you both is good luck and try to make this work!

[lana-banana]

My advice is to put a date on it. When I moved in, we concluded if we couldn't make it work by X date (shortly before his lease expired) we would go our separate ways. That way we didn't feel trapped or resentful of each other. After about a month it no longer felt like playing house and we were working hard at building something together. We still got along and did well, so we happily got engaged!

 

My other advice is not specific to your situation but still important: unpack your crap and start making a home as soon as possible. You have no idea how psychologically unsettling it is to have all your stuff in boxes, storage, or on the floor until you live it. As the stress accumulates it will lead to all kinds of dumb fights and frustrations.

[SammySammy]

Having done it three times, I would never do it again. You're more likely to find reasons not to marry than to marry. You can do that without living together. And studies show that marriages tend to be less successful when the couple lives together first.

 

Though it's common now, most don't lead to successful marriages.

[No_Go]

Done it twice, I was miserable very quick after both times. I think the main reason was we were acting like family but didn't have the commitment of one, so when things were getting sour (part of life), we quickly got resentful to each other.

 

If I am to do it again I'll do it just for convenience AFTER decision for marriage has been taken, but never as a test drive. I think if you're at a phase you still need to test compatibility (and that's why you're moving in) - chances are you're not compatible ..

[smackie9]

Oh no you want to live together first....it's a real test of patience let me tell ya. That's when you really see if you can compromise and communicate well, because you are going to need it. not just about money and chores, but also personal space, letting them know where you are going to be, when are you going to be home, when you are working late, when is it acceptable time coming home from a night out, who gets to come over and visit, rules on letting a friend or family member live on your couch, boundaries boundaries boundaries. Oh and dealing with each others no so desirable habits.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Done it twice, I was miserable very quick after both times. I think the main reason was we were acting like family but didn't have the commitment of one, so when things were getting sour (part of life), we quickly got resentful to each other.

 

If I am to do it again I'll do it just for convenience AFTER decision for marriage has been taken, but never as a test drive. I think if you're at a phase you still need to test compatibility (and that's why you're moving in) - chances are you're not compatible ..

 

That is just bad logic.

 

That's like saying, I test drove a car, and I hated it, but if I had bought the car before I test drove it, well then I would have been forced to like it ... so I liked it...

[SammySammy]

Done it twice, I was miserable very quick after both times. I think the main reason was we were acting like family but didn't have the commitment of one, so when things were getting sour (part of life), we quickly got resentful to each other.

 

If I am to do it again I'll do it just for convenience AFTER decision for marriage has been taken, but never as a test drive. I think if you're at a phase you still need to test compatibility (and that's why you're moving in) - chances are you're not compatible ..

 

 

I totally agree with you.

 

Why act like a wife when you're not a wife? You're cooking, cleaning, washing, sexing, paying bills ... with someone who can leave you at any moment with no benefits.

 

In my opinion, that man doesn't respect you. I'm saying that having been that man three times.

 

If he likes it ... if he really, really likes it ... tell him to put a ring on it. I'm not a Beyoncé fan, but she was right about that.

 

Don't play a wife until you ARE a wife.

 

And vice versa. I'm not for this playing husband thing either.

 

That's just how I feel about it.

[Kisskiss56]

Oh no you want to live together first....it's a real test of patience let me tell ya. That's when you really see if you can compromise and communicate well, because you are going to need it. not just about money and chores, but also personal space, letting them know where you are going to be, when are you going to be home, when you are working late, when is it acceptable time coming home from a night out, who gets to come over and visit, rules on letting a friend or family member live on your couch, boundaries boundaries boundaries. Oh and dealing with each others no so desirable habits.

 

Luckily my complex only allows 2 people to live in a one bedroom apartment. So i dont have to worry about people staying. But yes i can see what you men, going from total freedom and then having to tell your partner you will be home late is different.

[Kisskiss56]

The majority of my friends have moved in with their boyfriends/girlfriends and they got engaged and now are married or soon to be married. So imo i havent seen a couple move in together, and it hasnt resulted in the next step.

[No_Go]

Aww lucky friends you have In my circles the split is one third break up, one third get married and one third continue living common law without getting engaged/married. You can end up in any of these scenarios so it is good to keep in mind the respective strategies for each (e.g. timeline for engagement, who moves out if it doesn't work out etc).

 

The majority of my friends have moved in with their boyfriends/girlfriends and they got engaged and now are married or soon to be married. So imo i havent seen a couple move in together, and it hasnt resulted in the next step.

[RecentChange]

My brother and his wife cohabitated before marriage, now married 20 years.

 

Ditto for my sister, married 18 years.

 

Ditto for my closet friends, each still married (around 10 year mark).

 

My husband and I moved in together after 6 months of dating. We have been together over 15 years.

 

I actually have only one divorcee in my close social circle, she and her military ex did not cohabitate, but all the rest of my friends did before marriage.

 

"Why play the wife before you are one"? Well maybe to test out of that is the life you really want before you sign a contract stating you will be a wife for the rest of your day on this Earth.

 

Sure l know a few couples who broke up after living together. But if they couldn't manage to live together - would being married fix that? Or would they simply be a married couple who couldn't manage to live together?

[d0nnivain]

The majority of my friends have moved in with their boyfriends/girlfriends and they got engaged and now are married or soon to be married. So imo i havent seen a couple move in together, and it hasnt resulted in the next step.

 

Understand YMMV.

 

I lived with the 1st guy 10 years & the second for almost 2. Two of my dear friends have been together for 20, living together for 17. (She's an emotional wreck over it but won't leave. . . totally another story). Not all cohabitation leads down the aisle.

 

There have been studies where living together results in higher divorce rates.

 

I think it's more about communication & expectations.

 

Do you have a plan if in 1 year, 2 years, 5 years the ring doesn't come?

[fieldoflavender]

It's really couple specific. For my situation, I think living together did both - propelled some issues to the table, but also added stress to our relationship.

 

I think ultimately it wouldn't have worked out - but had we not had a specific timeline and taken things slower, and given more time and space by NOT LIVING together to work out some of our issues, maybe we could have had a chance.

 

But living together rushes timelines sometimes.

 

There is no definitie - it depends on your relationship dynamics. And I don't believe in the amount of time you've dated someone either. There is no 1 year or 2 years or whatever. Some people are faster, others are slower.

[Redhead14]

My bf and I have been together for a couple of years and want to live together before getting engaged and married. (I know some people dont believe in living togethet before he puts a ring on it, but we both come from broken families and we want to see if we can live with eachother before taking the next step, and try to advoid divorce as much as possible)

 

Is there any advice anyone has about living with a boyfriend/girlfriend? Anything specific we should talk about before moving in together. We decided we will both be living at my place and share expenses 50/50. He is in his early 30s and i am towards my late 20s.

 

What have you learned about him since you've known him in terms of his lifestyle preferences, spending habits, bill paying, etc.? Does he keep his own place tidy, does he pay his rent and other bills on time? If he's got those things in order, then you can consider living with him. I would not, however, co-mingle finances - no joint accounts unless it is for the purpose of paying rent or bills but each one keeps their own separate banking accounts and deposits into the joint account accordingly.

 

What are his long-term goals for marriage, kids -- when, how many?, buying a house, etc. and what are yours? 2-5 year plan?

 

You should also be clear about household responsibilities as well -- don't start doing all the "wifely" things all the time.

 

I usually recommend that a couple who is contemplating living together with the goal of marrying at some point, to take pre-marital counseling before or shortly after they move in together. It could be an eye-opening experience and good preparation.

[rushed]

Living together is a personal choice. I only caution against it here on LS when the people post that they are totally in love, it's the most special ever & they have known each other for 2 weeks.

 

 

I have lived with 3 men, including my husband who did not move in until a few months before our wedding. well after we were engaged.

 

 

My advice:

 

 

1. Don't co-mingle the money. Do talk about how you will split bills; whether any utilities will be switched to his name.

 

 

2. Talk about décor. What from his place is coming into yours? Where will the big pieces go? What will happen to the extras . . .the bed, the couch etc.? what will happen to the little things . . . plates, cups, silverware, coffee maker, etc?

 

 

3. Talk about chores. Who does what? If one cooks does the other have to clean? How do you both food shop -- coupons; name brands v. store brands; competing brands? How do you both feel about wet towels on the bathroom floor & dirty socks? Does he know how to wash your stuff? After too many laundry disasters, my husband is forbidden from touching my unmentionables & my sweaters. I was never able to get it through his head that cashmere only goes to the dry cleaners.

 

 

4. Wifi bandwidth . . . do you have enough?

 

 

5. Need for time alone. Both DH & I need time to decompress & don't like being bombarded even with hugs & kisses upon entering the house. My first BF got home after me & he wanted immediate attention. I'd been home a while so it was OK. When he was on an extended leave for an illness / injury it was tough for me to be immediately "on" without decompressing first.

 

 

6. Talk about expectations regarding friends. Can you each still go out with your buddies? Are any activities off limits? What about friends crashing at your place or inviting people over? Do you have to ask / get permission from the other or are unilateral invites OK? Similarly can one of you bind the other to a social commitment without asking or not?

 

This is all excellent advice!

 

My boyfriend moved in with me about nine months ago. Things that got a little sticky:

 

Money. It's great that you say you'll split things 50/50. Make sure you figure out a system that works for you. Rent and utility bills are easy to split. My boyfriend has an automatic transfer set up so I receive his share of the rent automatically each month. But then you get to groceries, toiletries, new furniture, etc. We initially were going to keep track of things we individually bought for the house and then get together at the end of the month and whomever paid less would pay the other the difference so it'd be split equally, but that never happened. We both buy things for the house all the time (e.g. toilet paper, dish soap, forks, towels, kitty litter, etc.) so it feels pretty even and has never been an issue.

 

Chores and cleanliness. Sigh. It would be awesome if you both had the same level of cleanliness. Unfortunately that's not the case in my situation. Figure out who does what chores and how often it should be done. Let each other know of any pet peeves you have so at the very least you know what not to do.

 

Good communication is key. Check in with each other and try to be kind.

[Els]

)

 

Is there any advice anyone has about living with a boyfriend/girlfriend? Anything specific we should talk about before moving in together. We decided we will both be living at my place and share expenses 50/50. He is in his early 30s and i am towards my late 20s.

 

Advice:

- Make sure you have enough space for each of you to have some personal space. Don't live as a couple in a studio apartment, you'll drive each other crazy especially if you've never lived with a partner before!

- It's normal for there to be an adjustment period.

 

Things to talk about

- How you intend to split the household chores. Lots of people talk about how to split the bills but leave this one out. If you are splitting the bills 50/50 but only one of you is doing the majority of the chores, resentment will grow. IMO uneven chore splitting is only really sustainable if there is uneven bill splitting, too. Do NOT buy into the traditional "his chores, her chores" suggestions - if you are living in a rented apartment, there will be no lawn mowing, no DIY, very few self-repairs and no construction work, essentially making all of the chores "her chores".

- How much do you know about his financial status? How long a lease are you planning to sign?

Edited August 2, 2017 by Elswyth

[fieldoflavender]

The last piece of advice - for any girl (or guy), if someone pays more, be careful what your price for that would be and it isn't measured in dollar amounts. Sometimes it's other things disguised in the name of love - your ability to make choices, your dignity, or even worse - being controlled.

 

It's very seductive for someone to offer to pay for all these things because they "want you to be taken care of" but it's also very easy for someone to bite you when things don't go well and call you all sorts of nasty names and imply all sorts of things about your character. There is no free lunch even if you weren't even intending on getting a free lunch in the first place.

[Els]

The last piece of advice - for any girl (or guy), if someone pays more, be careful what your price for that would be and it isn't measured in dollar amounts. Sometimes it's other things disguised in the name of love - your ability to make choices, your dignity, or even worse - being controlled.

 

It's very seductive for someone to offer to pay for all these things because they "want you to be taken care of" but it's also very easy for someone to bite you when things don't go well and call you all sorts of nasty names and imply all sorts of things about your character. There is no free lunch even if you weren't even intending on getting a free lunch in the first place.

 

How would someone paying more automatically lead to the other person being abused and stripped of their ability to make choices? There is no reason why a person who pays less would automatically be an easier abuse target. In fact, as long as they kept their career, they would have more savings to move out and pay new security deposits with, ergo it would technically be easier for them to do so.

 

A couple where one party gives up their career to be a SAHP would indeed have some risk of that, which is why it is extremely important that the breadwinner should have proved themselves to be a trustworthy and good partner before the SAHP consents to ditch their career, but that isn't anywhere near the OP's case.

Edited August 2, 2017 by Elswyth

[RecentChange]

There have been studies where living together results in higher divorce rates.

 

Correlation does not mean causation.

 

There have been studies that have shown that couples who cohabitate first have higher divorce rates, not that living together RESULTS in higher divorce rates.

 

There are many variables involved. Most point to the fact that yes, couples that live together first have higher divorce rates, but the living together is not often found to be the controlling variable.

 

Rather, its religion, traditional values etc that make it so a couple is less likely to live together before marriage, and ALSO less likely to divorce. Correlation, not causation.

 

The same is true regarding people who marry as virgins. People who abstain before marriage have lower divorce rates. Now, is it their virginity that causes a lower divorce rate, or the fact that people that choose to abstain are more likely to be influenced by religion and traditional values, the same values which frown upon divorce. Correlation, not causation.

 

 

I think it's more about communication & expectations.

 

This is very true. So much doom and gloom in this thread. Maybe its because we were younger - but moving in with my then boyfriend was fabulous!! We had (and still do) so fun, everything really fell into place so easily. No arguments, or big conflicts.

 

Now, we knew from the start we wanted a long term thing, it wasn't see as a "test drive" it was we love each other and want to share our lives together.

 

Everything became "ours" our money, our burdens, our joys.

 

Obviously it doesn't work out for some couples, but I have zero regrets for choosing to move in together.

[Kisskiss56]

Understand YMMV.

 

 

 

Do you have a plan if in 1 year, 2 years, 5 years the ring doesn't come?

 

I already know i wont live with him for more than a coupke of years, and still no ring.

 

Also, he doesnt want to wait till hes 40 to start having children (hes in his early 30s)

[fieldoflavender]

How would someone paying more automatically lead to the other person being abused and stripped of their ability to make choices? There is no reason why a person who pays less would automatically be an easier abuse target. In fact, as long as they kept their career, they would have more savings to move out and pay new security deposits with, ergo it would technically be easier for them to do so.

 

A couple where one party gives up their career to be a SAHP would indeed have some risk of that, which is why it is extremely important that the breadwinner should have proved themselves to be a trustworthy and good partner before the SAHP consents to ditch their career, but that isn't anywhere near the OP's case.

 

It's subconscious, just like how advertising affects you subconsciously or if pharmaceutical companies talk to you and give you things. Sure some people think they are not going to be influenced at all and I thought that way once too. But the person contributing "more" will usually end up with some form of control/resentment because they are contributing more. And they would expect you to fulfill it in other ways, whether it's via chores, decisions, etc. Again nothing is 100% but it's just something I'm pointing out that could and has happened to people. Maybe not for your case and OP and other readers can decide whether or not for their case but to deny that it ever happens is naive. And I never said it ALWAYS happens, it's just a risk.

[fieldoflavender]

Also people may get out of the relationship with more savings, but they lose other things instead. And those things are things that money can not buy.