Peachland Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 I've been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years. Wer're both divorced with kids. I'm in my 40s and he's in his 50s. He's awesome in so many ways. He treats me like a queen. We both love to travel so he's always planning trips together. He runs errands for me, takes care of things around my house, etc. He's respectful, affectionate and loving towards me. One thing that's bothered me is that he's never said he loved me. I tried to bring it up last year and he said something to the effect people throw around the word too much. He says it when he's ready to get married. I didn't push because I was enjoying our time together, in denial a bit and hoped he would get there eventually. I dated men who said they loved me but it wasn't real. It was just words. In my mind my boyfriend's actions told me that he loved me. He said his love language is acts of service. I held back on saying I love you trying to follow his lead even though I do love him. Fast forward to this week, I decided to bring up the subject because it has been 18 months and I've met most of his family and friends and even vacationed with his adult kids. I want to know where I stand. He told me he cares for deeply but he's never been in love with anyone including his ex wife. He says he just not an emotional person and probably never will be. I am so confused. I've never met someone who's never been in love. He's such a great person and I've fallen in love but my head is telling me to walk away. I asked him if this was his way of breaking up with me and he said no. He seemed surprised by shocked reaction. I haven't spoken to him in 2 days because I need time to process. He's reached out to me but I'm not ready to talk. Thoughts anyone? Should I move on? Is there anything left to discuss?
kendahke Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 Do you need to hear those words more than you need to experience how he loves you through the way in which he treats you? You have to decide which you place greater importance on because as you said: I dated men who said they loved me but it wasn't real. It was just words. In my mind my boyfriend's actions told me that he loved me. Talk is cheap. Actions are where you find the treasure. Also, as my tag line says: ____ | | V 5
GorillaTheater Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 (edited) His lack of emotion doesn't make him a bad guy. Similarly, if you need a relationship in which you feel loved, that doesn't make you a bad person, either. In fact, I'd say it makes you very normal. I'm sorry Peach. This may not be the relationship for you. ETA: But damn, Kendahke's comments are very wise. Edited August 1, 2017 by GorillaTheater
Kisskiss56 Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 While actions speaks louder than words, i still feel.those 3 words are very important in a relationship. Its a little alarming that he was never in live with his ex wife. 1
healing light Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 For some reason, I have a couple of close guy friends who appear to be ideal boyfriends to their partners but have privately admitted to me they are not in love/were never in love with the women. And these relationships have been 5-7+ years in duration. I'm in my early 30s. So I think it's entirely possible for a man to carry out loving actions and be faithful but not fully emotionally invested. I, too, find it odd that he is in his 50s and has not been in love. It sounds to me like the trait of an emotionally unavailable person or someone guarding themselves out of fear of losing control. That being said, you will have to decide if this is something that you can live with. Will this erode how secure you feel in the relationship over time? Can you really overlook it and still be happy? If it hasn't happened within the first year, I doubt his feelings will change unless something in the dynamic does. I think you deserve to feel cherished by someone whose love for you isn't a question in your mind. But, in the same sense, I know you must feel really torn because he treats you the way you would like to be treated, which imo is hard to find.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 Well, ya kinda have to hand it to the guy for his level of integrity in never saying anything he doesn't mean. Have you discussed how he actually defines love? And what he thinks he's never felt, if he could even define it? My ex husband told me (after a failed reconciliation) that he's never felt love (for someone or from someone) except toward his children. Which means he faked it with every woman he's ever said "I love you" to, and he's also a cheater. He was ultimately frustrated by his inability to experience love, recognizing that something is "wrong" with him (stemming from childhood/mommy issues I'm sure). It doesn't really sound like your boyfriend is like this, though. 2
coolheadal Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 I've been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years. Wer're both divorced with kids. I'm in my 40s and he's in his 50s. He's awesome in so many ways. He treats me like a queen. We both love to travel so he's always planning trips together. He runs errands for me, takes care of things around my house, etc. He's respectful, affectionate and loving towards me. One thing that's bothered me is that he's never said he loved me. I tried to bring it up last year and he said something to the effect people throw around the word too much. He says it when he's ready to get married. I didn't push because I was enjoying our time together, in denial a bit and hoped he would get there eventually. I dated men who said they loved me but it wasn't real. It was just words. In my mind my boyfriend's actions told me that he loved me. He said his love language is acts of service. I held back on saying I love you trying to follow his lead even though I do love him. Fast forward to this week, I decided to bring up the subject because it has been 18 months and I've met most of his family and friends and even vacationed with his adult kids. I want to know where I stand. He told me he cares for deeply but he's never been in love with anyone including his ex wife. He says he just not an emotional person and probably never will be. I am so confused. I've never met someone who's never been in love. He's such a great person and I've fallen in love but my head is telling me to walk away. I asked him if this was his way of breaking up with me and he said no. He seemed surprised by shocked reaction. I haven't spoken to him in 2 days because I need time to process. He's reached out to me but I'm not ready to talk. Thoughts anyone? Should I move on? Is there anything left to discuss? Yes I had a woman like him she told me she could never love me the way I want because she can't love herself. But she did love her son. I feel if they can't express their love for you they're never going to show it, express it. speak the magical words of love. I am in Love with you - Wow really this it he best one to hear! I love you - this is what they should say.. Love you - just what friends would say to you. Love to be with you - Love that fact they are around you. You take it from me we all can say what you should do but it's your final call. You love him/love you but he can't say it back and he won't. He's not that type of man to say those words and too late for him to change at age 50. You want the words to me those are magical I say it to the women I date. I only date one at time. Right now got a bunch of women friends. I teach them what they should say to a man if they can say they love him. Most can't say it but hope he know she does. Crazy right but no it's the way he and the rest of them where brought-up in a family. If both parents express the love then he was raised in I love you family he would say it to you more. He can't even do that. No sense pushing this. He doesn't know how to love you, best you can get is he likes you. Like you like he likes ice cream I wouldn't settle for I like you though. But that's me, we can't really say you shouldn't be with him because he can't express or show his love to you. That's going to be your decision only to make because you're In Love with him and That I love you is in your heart already!
bachdude Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 Just because he has never been "in love" doesn't mean that he doesn't have the capacity for love or doesn't experience love in other ways. I believe love comes in many different forms. The Greeks actually had 6 words for love, not just the usual 3 (Eros, Philia, agape). My guess is he just doesn't experience that intense, mind blowing type of romantic love that we usually associate with being "in love". But as mentioned, that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It also does not mean that he has no romantic love for you at all. It may simply mean he doesn't lose his mind or lose control or get obsessed, etc... Our culture, probably since the 19th century (the so called Romantic era in art), puts a premium on being "in love". Other cultures, including our own, have put greater value on the other forms of love. You have to decide what you want.
preraph Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 Listen, no one will usually admit it, but you can tell by the actions of many people that they don't really love someone. now, your guys does all the right things, but he admits he doesn't feel that emotion. It would bother me, yes, but not as much as someone who was saying they were in love while their actions said the only person they were in love with was theirself. He is doing what it takes to get the life he wants. It's dispassionate. As I've said many times on here, some guys will not say the word until they're ready to commit because it means a commitment to them, and that is not a bad thing. He must value you on some level or he wouldn't be trying this hard, but he's low on the emotive scale. I say as long as he's treating you right, empathetic to others as well as animals (you don't want a sociopath or narcissist) cares enough to try to help others as well as you, he's not a bad person. If his behavior changes, it's true there won't be much to tether him to you.
smackie9 Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 TBH I don't think it's very fair to you that he waited 18 months to finally tell you about his lack of emotion towards being in love. I totally get it, it wouldn't bode well with me either...now things are out of balance. You must be devastated because you are not feeling you are worth it to him. Me personally wouldn't have let this go on for this long. When I invest in someone I go all in...and I expect the same from them.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 (edited) If he can articulate the fact that he has never been in love, then he must know the difference between what he feels and what people in love generally feel. You should take him at his word. He clearly cares about you, but that is all the depth of feeling you are going to get. There is nothing wrong with other people "throwing" the word love around if they meant it in that moment. Not all love lasts a lifetime, but it makes people feel good to say it and hear it said back. Ask yourself, is that enough to make you feel happy and secure in the relationship long term? There is no right or wrong answer, just figure out what works for you. Edited August 2, 2017 by Scarlett.O'hara
coolheadal Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 (edited) Today not hearing the words "I LOVE YOU" or "I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU" can really make you feel as a woman or a man unsecured, (not needed, not appreciated an etc...) Makes no sense to say those words first as a woman. I use believe she should so I would say it first. As many times in a day I could when I felt that deep love for someone. I find a lot of women can't say those words back. I often wonder why. Could they feel or express the love for me I wanted? Some were never raised in a family of love so how are they going to express, show and speak to you the words of love. You and the rest like us both want to to hear the words and have them hold you kiss you and say (honey, dear, baby girl, sweets) I am in Love with you, I love you and etc.. If just not hearing it then you need to say, why should I say with such a person. You can express your desires of romance the passion of love. You have self-esteem, confidence, and courage to express your romantic needs as couple. If you partner is not listening to you say I LOVE YOU just saying that word or hearing it said back to makes you feel good inside. If you don't hear said regularly . Does your man show you love with hold, touch and feel. Does he even kiss you. You have to explain to him your romantic needs he's not giving you what you want in love. If you do not get these then you have no love in this relationship. How have you put up for this so long it's beyond realistic living. So does your man really shows his love for you by his actions, but you need to hear him say I Love you the spoken magical words. That can lift you up so affectionate feeling. You - want to hear the words I love you Him - shows the words though his actions more visual You have to tell your partner you need to hear the words I love you instead of him showing you though his actions. 1. So you want to hear the words I love you to fully feel the love. 2. So you really need to be touched or hugged to feel the love 3. So you gifts and romantic trips to show they feel the love for you. But you want to hear the words I love you you just don't want them to cover up the fact of how they can't be more romantic for you. Even if you try to change him or teach how how to say the words so you feel good to know he really loves you. If can'd do all of this then you have a serious problem on your hand. THE IS UNROMANTIC HE CAN'T SAY I LOVE YOU BY SAYING IT TO YOU" Stay in or stay out of this relationship is really up to you.. Need to hear the magical words is so important to you and me but if they just said I love you they return saying Same here or even OK. Wow how could they how could he say just Same here.. Because that's how they express the word. It's not right to even use if when you say I missed you so much, they him or her would say Same Here! There you have it.. Edited August 2, 2017 by coolheadal
GemmaUK Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 Do you need to hear those words more than you need to experience how he loves you through the way in which he treats you? You have to decide which you place greater importance on because as you said: Talk is cheap. Actions are where you find the treasure. Also, as my tag line says: ____ | | V I absolutely agree with this. He sounds like a good man. It's also not like he has said he was hugely 'in love' anytime or times in the past. This doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. I'm in my 40's and I would hand over heart go for a man like that instead of someone who used those 3 words. Are there any other problems? Is he completely unromantic, unaffectionate, unsexual with you?
kendahke Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 While actions speaks louder than words, i still feel.those 3 words are very important in a relationship. Its a little alarming that he was never in live with his ex wife. But, given the choice between hearing those words and being lied to and mistreated and having someone whose deeds buttress those words, but he doesn't say it, which would you prefer?
kendahke Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 My ex loves me. It didn't start out that way. I was more in love with him than he, me. But he gradually got to the point where he could say it and write it. Guess what? He was saying it to other women, too. His ACTIONS didn't buttress what his words were saying. Even to this day, he'll tell me he loves me and is willing to cheat on the woman he dumped me for if I'd give him the opportunity. However, his brand of love has nothing to do with who I am: it has to do with what he can extract out of who he's with. No doubt he's told her he loved her, but he is incapable of the actions which make that an unmistakable truth.
rightondude Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 he might realize he was in love if you were to up and leave. His actions are ones of someone who loves, but maybe he's just not comfortable putting a term on that. If you were gone today would he then realize what he was was "in love?" I am kind of in the same boat as this guy. What I've thought was love was just infatuation, love of the status of being with a beautiful woman, lusting for sex, and love of the idea of what a person could be. I've never actually experienced true love with someone who also loved me (and I was married for 9 years).
smackie9 Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 Everyone says "hey it better than..... so it should be fine." No it's not fine. That means you are settling, taking what you can get if they treat you good, probably few chances of ever meeting someone like that. I say BS. There will always be that one part missing, and why should you give it up just because he's gold. It's not just words, it's the emotion that goes with it he can't give.
Williamjacob Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 Being the same age as your partner I can say those words to you without even thinking it. I have younger girl I speak with online we share so much and I can say her name being the fact he is the love of my life. I like when she said it first though. I feel good inside. I was trying to take a co-worker out but that failed. But my online friend she's always there for me. She lives over 5,000 miles away I feel we will never met in person we can share our love spiritually by emotion. I read all the post here about love. Love the words means so much than you can ever dream of saying it to anyone, anywhere.
Els Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 I could advocate for him if he just wasn't saying the exact words you wanted - for a lot of personality types and cultures, saying ILY is fairly uncommon and people just feel uncomfortable doing it. I agree that actions are much more important than words in that regard. But your scenario is a different thing entirely. He straight up said he WASN'T in love with you when asked! There is a HUGE difference between his admission and a person who just didn't feel comfortable saying ILY. I'm generally very much in the "actions are greater than words" camp, but even I would be very concerned about what your boyfriend said. Indeed it is better to be with him than it would be to be with a liar who just told you everything you wanted to hear without following it up with actions.... but surely those are not the only two types of men out there! 2
Sunlight72 Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 (edited) ...I dated men who said they loved me but it wasn't real. It was just words. In my mind my boyfriend's actions told me that he loved me. He said his love language is acts of service. I held back on saying I love you trying to follow his lead even though I do love him. Fast forward to this week, I decided to bring up the subject because it has been 18 months and I've met most of his family and friends and even vacationed with his adult kids. I want to know where I stand. He told me he cares for deeply but he's never been in love with anyone including his ex wife. He says he just not an emotional person and probably never will be. I am so confused.... My impression from what you've written is that he is like a 3.5 year girlfriend I had recently. She is very warm, considerate, fun, loving, etc. and obviously loves me (still, and me her - kids make it tough). She probably said she loves me vocally less than 8 times in 3.5 years together. It kind of soured me for a while, and then I realized that her dad (who left the family when she was about 10, thus beginning a really rough part of her life as her mom struggled and became depressed, etc., etc., from which their father did not 'save' them) says I Love You easily and often. It turns out that what he says makes Love very unreliable and nearly worthless. I'm not a psychiatrist, but it seems to me that her impression of the words I Love You is not related to what I think of when I think of Love. It was hard for me not to hear the words. Eventually, I got used to it, and there were sooo many other great, unmatchable parts to our relationship that I didn't miss it much. I think you might be in this position too. From what you describe, he is a very loving, very good man for you. For what ever reason (and you may never really know the cause), he does not associate the word Love with love. Personally, I don't think it's worth losing him over. But, that is your choice to make. You won't change him into someone who feels Love and says it in the word "love". Best Wishes, Sunlight P.S. If you look for a reason he doesn't use the word love for Love, it might not be the word love that is the issue. He might not trust emotions generally - maybe someone in his life that was emotional was dangerous or hurtful, or something else, so he says he is "not emotional". He probably doesn't 'understand' exactly himself. He doesn't need to, he has found a way to be a good man, good father, good partner without 'understanding' that particular thing. I wouldn't stir it up. Choose to be with him, or leave him, but you'll have to accept it as it is either choice you make. Edited August 2, 2017 by Sunlight72
Author Peachland Posted August 2, 2017 Author Posted August 2, 2017 Thanks for all the replies. It's official. We are over. We met yesterday and I told him that I was torn about where to go from here. He said we shouldn't be together as boyfriend and girlfriend. For the past few months he's been forcing being a good boyfriend and he's been suffering in silence because he doesn't feel an emotional connection. OUCH! He felt relieved about me bringing up the subject on the weekend. He said he cares about me, enjoys spending time with me, considers me a dear friend but he knows I want more which he can't give me. He said he doesn't think he can be successful long term in any relationship which may be true but it didn't make me feel better. It's so strange because his actions didn't change during our relationship. He was always proactive in planning dates, showing me new places, offered help even when I didn't ask for her, calling/texting all the time, etc. But at the end of the day words matter. The below turned out to be true. He straight up said he WASN'T in love with you when asked! There is a HUGE difference between his admission and a person who just didn't feel comfortable saying ILY. I'm generally very much in the "actions are greater than words" camp, but even I would be very concerned about what your boyfriend said.
preraph Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 It is strange and unusual, but I'm glad he was honest. I have to believe his lack of emotion would have manifested negatively in some form or other eventually. 1
Els Posted August 3, 2017 Posted August 3, 2017 Thanks for all the replies. It's official. We are over. We met yesterday and I told him that I was torn about where to go from here. He said we shouldn't be together as boyfriend and girlfriend. For the past few months he's been forcing being a good boyfriend and he's been suffering in silence because he doesn't feel an emotional connection. OUCH! He felt relieved about me bringing up the subject on the weekend. He said he cares about me, enjoys spending time with me, considers me a dear friend but he knows I want more which he can't give me. He said he doesn't think he can be successful long term in any relationship which may be true but it didn't make me feel better. It's so strange because his actions didn't change during our relationship. He was always proactive in planning dates, showing me new places, offered help even when I didn't ask for her, calling/texting all the time, etc. But at the end of the day words matter. The below turned out to be true. I'm sorry, OP. But at least now you can move on and find someone who does all those actions AND is in love with you. They are out there!
BluesPower Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 Thanks for all the replies. It's official. We are over. We met yesterday and I told him that I was torn about where to go from here. He said we shouldn't be together as boyfriend and girlfriend. For the past few months he's been forcing being a good boyfriend and he's been suffering in silence because he doesn't feel an emotional connection. OUCH! He felt relieved about me bringing up the subject on the weekend. He said he cares about me, enjoys spending time with me, considers me a dear friend but he knows I want more which he can't give me. He said he doesn't think he can be successful long term in any relationship which may be true but it didn't make me feel better. It's so strange because his actions didn't change during our relationship. He was always proactive in planning dates, showing me new places, offered help even when I didn't ask for her, calling/texting all the time, etc. But at the end of the day words matter. The below turned out to be true. Sorry about that... I know it hurts. Don't feel like the lone ranger though, it happen to all of us one time or another. You should be somewhat relieved that he as straight with you. When they are not it just sucks even more...
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