FloridaMale Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 Hello all.. My post is about a new lady who was recently hired where I work. I have become very friendly with her...and she has also taken a liking to me...as she has confided things about her life...i have also helped her and her son with things like food and something else her son needed. She has been separated from her husband I believe for only a few months....and lives on her own now. To make a long story short....we both really like each other ...but she is holding back because she said she doesn't want to hurt me...but also wants to see if her husband will treat her as she needs. Just today She again told me I touched her heart. I told her last week I liked her a lot and that I didn't want to push it all. Any thoughts and advice...please give. Thanks
TheBathWater Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 Based on what you said, it doesn't sound like she is seriously interested in you in the way you are with her. Her saying she doesn't want to hurt you is a strong indicator of that. She obviously knows you like her. It is possible that she likes you to some degree and appreciates the attention, but I thought her intentions were even more clear when she said she wants to see how her husband treats her needs. Maybe she would be open to hooking up with you if you were unattached to the outcome, but my sense (and hers, it seems) is that you want more. So I think if you tried to hook up with her it would only make things worse. It doesn't sound like she's fully moved on yet, and if you try to get involved and move into her life now, I think you will only be disappointed. All of this is my way of saying that I think your best option is to have other options. Go date other women. If you want, you can keep her around as a friend, and maybe down the road something will happen, but I wouldn't hold out on it or else you could drive yourself nuts. 8
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 Based on what you said, it doesn't sound like she is seriously interested in you in the way you are with her. Her saying she doesn't want to hurt you is a strong indicator of that. She obviously knows you like her. It is possible that she likes you to some degree and appreciates the attention, but I thought her intentions were even more clear when she said she wants to see how her husband treats her needs. Maybe she would be open to hooking up with you if you were unattached to the outcome, but my sense (and hers, it seems) is that you want more. So I think if you tried to hook up with her it would only make things worse. It doesn't sound like she's fully moved on yet, and if you try to get involved and move into her life now, I think you will only be disappointed. All of this is my way of saying that I think your best option is to have other options. Go date other women. If you want, you can keep her around as a friend, and maybe down the road something will happen, but I wouldn't hold out on it or else you could drive yourself nuts. I believe this is spot on! Also, you had to help her and her son with food? There too much going on to consider a future with this lady. In fact, there isn't one right now. She has been clear about her feelings and her feeling touched is not equivalent to her being attracted to you romantically.
Author FloridaMale Posted August 1, 2017 Author Posted August 1, 2017 Thanks....i agree...she hasn't fully moved on. But should I mention that I'd be there for her as more some day in the future should it come to that..or just sit quiet? Basically she smiles at me a lot too...and seems to want occasional private chat at work when possible....and we both are sting Christians.
TheBathWater Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 Thanks....i agree...she hasn't fully moved on. But should I mention that I'd be there for her as more some day in the future should it come to that..or just sit quiet? Basically she smiles at me a lot too...and seems to want occasional private chat at work when possible....and we both are sting Christians. I think she already knows that you would like to be there for her as more some day in the future should it comes to that, so there's no need to state it. I believe doing so would look unattractive. I can't advise you on how to behave around her going forward, but I do get the sense that you're going to continue interacting with her while in the back of your mind hoping that one day she comes around, and that this will leak through in your communication to her in subtle ways. So really, my only advice on how to behave around her is to notice when you are feeling hopeful about getting together one day and immediately stop letting such thoughts influence your behavior. There's nothing wrong with being friendly and casual, but I would leave it at that, and then open up your options to other women.
Author FloridaMale Posted August 1, 2017 Author Posted August 1, 2017 It's pretty obvious to me that she will very likely divorce him eventually....and I'm just hoping that perhaps I'll be the great guy she will see when she is ready for a new relationship....but I do sense that won't be soon...not anytime soon...
carhill Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 If you enjoy socializing, keep showing up unless and until you feel otherwise, that is if you can ratchet back any expectations, specifically that you're going to be her 'man' once she's divorced, if she gets divorced. Keep dating other women. Unless it's part of your church program, IMO do not provide her with any material support or gifts, except of course the gift of your time, wit, charm and the occasional treat of a date. Women are strong. They can make it on their own no problem. When she invites you to her sole domicile for dinner, bring a nice bottle of wine. I've dated 'separated' women who turned out to still be very married. However, I can use my exW as a great example of your chances in a positive sense. She had a new guy living with her in her sole domicile that I so graciously provided in the divorce before the divorce was final and she's still with him 8 years later. So there ya go.
Steve51 Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 I started a relationship with a newly separated woman. She was great in the bed but she gave me an STD, the one and only I ever got despite a very active sex life. Seems that she did not know that her husband was cheating and got an STD which he passed to his wife. She never showed symptoms but I did. I thought a woman who only had one sex partner in her life would be safe to go bareback. I was wrong. We were together for about a month or so but she had too much baggage since she was not divorced and technically still married and "trying" to make it work with her husband. She was definite about a divorce but figured a separation is like pulling the bandage off a little at time.
coolheadal Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 (edited) Hello all.. My post is about a new lady who was recently hired where I work. I have become very friendly with her...and she has also taken a liking to me...as she has confided things about her life...i have also helped her and her son with things like food and something else her son needed. She has been separated from her husband I believe for only a few months....and lives on her own now. To make a long story short....we both really like each other ...but she is holding back because she said she doesn't want to hurt me...but also wants to see if her husband will treat her as she needs. Just today She again told me I touched her heart. I told her last week I liked her a lot and that I didn't want to push it all. Any thoughts and advice...please give. Thanks She told you already, she didn't want to hurt you she still in love with her husband. So your just a fair weather friend or matter of convenience friend. Look at it this way your helping her with money, food and maybe medical needs for her son (you really don't say like what) clothes, school stuff or other things. Just watch it because it's coming out your pocket. How this ends could be with her. Don't get to caught-up with her neediness right now. Your the guy in between Husband + Her + You + Son. He's still in the picture she's still married to him no matter what you just a sideline. FWB friends with benefits (if you two start to have some sort of affair) Get's real messy too. I've been in something like this myself. It doesn't end so well. You'll never get her full attention. Her love is not with you 100% is what I mean. She still in love with the separated husband. She told you that listen to what she said. Do what you can for her if you want but don't think for one moment she'll run to your arms instead of his. That's the son father your just the guy on the side she met at work. Be also careful with women you date at work too. Female harassment if you do something stupid, she can make you loose your job also. Just don't know until the end hits you in your face. Take it slow don't push her, for your needs and what do you get out of all of this remember that in your mind. Don't get caught up in her needs is you now. But her love is with her husband not you. Your just a special friend who is supporting her and her son needs. Edited August 1, 2017 by coolheadal 2
kortz Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 she said she doesn't want to hurt me I have heard these exact words before and it doesn't end well. At the time I didn't understand it but it's code for 'I have emotional/romantic interests in someone else'. It's her way of saying she wants to be with someone else, which she has also more clearly said by saying she wants to see if her husband will treat her better. Basically you're not her plan A, and best case you're her fallback guy and/or emotional crutch while she goes through a difficult time. Understand that separation and divorce is extremely difficult emotionally and mentally. She is probably all over the place in her head even if she seems ok on the outside. You should set yourself zero expectations for this. Don't be a doormat and wait around in hope that one day she realizes you're the man of her dreams. If you do insist on seeing her, keep it super casual and place no pressure on her or any sort of relationship and always keep in mind it could end at any minute.
Author FloridaMale Posted August 1, 2017 Author Posted August 1, 2017 Given she just got her own place only in may....i respect she is trying with her husband....but it seriously looks like they won't work out.yes they have a kid...only question is what direction it will go. Her son has special needs too..and I figured if she teaches that ok on where she wants a stable guy in her life....me being there and showing I care only makes my case better. So I figure best thing to do is stay back but be there....and I don't give her money but good as they need it.
Chilli Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 It's not really your place to help with the son , he's got a father and he's families just been destroyed , he'll be a very sad and confused kid right now and some strange guy on the scene instead of he's own dad will only confuse him more. l know you probably mean well but you really should stay out of all that and let them work it out. Agree with the others too sorry but she's really hoping to work her marriage out , which is a good thing hopefully.
kendahke Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 Any thoughts and advice...please give. Thanks Yes. Don't poop where you eat. Don't date coworkers. It will get messy. Leave married women alone. Only death/divorce dissolves a legal marriage. She should not be having you around her son when she's still married to his father. That's just wrong. 2
kendahke Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 It's pretty obvious to me that she will very likely divorce him eventually....and I'm just hoping that perhaps I'll be the great guy she will see when she is ready for a new relationship....but I do sense that won't be soon...not anytime soon... Until she's got an executed divorce decree in her hand (or his death certificate), there's no obviousness about this. Separated people have been known to get back together and make their marriages work. At best, all you can be right now to her is rebound guy and those relationships rarely work out in the end. Stop investing in a fantasy just because dating prospects are thin on the ground in your area.
Author FloridaMale Posted August 1, 2017 Author Posted August 1, 2017 At some point she will seek a stable home for her son.
Author FloridaMale Posted August 1, 2017 Author Posted August 1, 2017 And I told her I respect she needs time...so she knows I'll wait....but now she is figuring it all out....her attitude towards me is very positive...just reluctant because I believe she is a strong Christian and is doing her best to see if she should stay with him. Her husband is 43 and basically a loser.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 And I told her I respect she needs time...so she knows I'll wait....but now she is figuring it all out....her attitude towards me is very positive...just reluctant because I believe she is a strong Christian and is doing her best to see if she should stay with him. Her husband is 43 and basically a loser. According to her. You have one side of the story. She's made it crystal clear she's still hoping for a reconciliation with the father of her son. 2
Author FloridaMale Posted August 1, 2017 Author Posted August 1, 2017 Yes...you are correct....and from the sound of it....they are both too different....and I've also seen a bruise on her arm...so it's also quite possible he beat her...especially since she said he is a very angry guy....and she is complete opposite
GorillaTheater Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 Look man, even electronically you're reeking of desperation. I can only imagine how you're coming across in person. Relax. If it happens, it happens. Get out there and live your life regardless. 2
kendahke Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 At some point she will seek a stable home for her son. And that doesn't mean that that home is with you. Live in the now, not the future. It's not promised. 2
kendahke Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 Yes...you are correct....and from the sound of it....they are both too different....and I've also seen a bruise on her arm...so it's also quite possible he beat her...especially since she said he is a very angry guy....and she is complete opposite Of course she's going to say that to you. Doesn't mean it's true. It also doesn't mean he's the one who put that bruise on her arm, either. Women will say a lot of things about their husbands that may not be entirely true. He's got a side to this story, too, as well as truth having its side to their story. 1
Chilli Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 At some point she will seek a stable home for her son. That's not your business or your place. And even if they do stay split you'd just be a convenient rebound so that won't end up a stable home for him. Add the fact that he shouldn't just be moved in with another man anyway.
Author FloridaMale Posted August 1, 2017 Author Posted August 1, 2017 Reading these responses....i see some really logical posts...and I also see the pain some of you have in your own lives...especially one of you wreaks of loneliness and misery....i get the impression some want to help and others simply miserable.rmiserable.r
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