Do you absolutely have to do the no contact rule after a breakup? It's too hard...

[ktragers]

I know this is a cliche question but this time I'm experiencing a new level of hardship..... Only less than a week ago I got out of an amazing relationship of a year and a half and neither of us really wanted it to end but we seemed to have no choice. Basically it came down to the fact that he had to choose between me and his job.

 

We were both so torn and felt like this is going to be like the ending of "La La Land" and one of those things you'll always remember and wonder years down the road about the what ifs. And we agreed that we'll always love each other. This time I'm having a hard time accepting it because it feels like something that's working great has been taken away against my will.

 

So in the end he was kinda firm that this is not going to work but also said we can take a break and think about options. I've been trying to give him space but it's just so hard. Two days after the breakup I texted him asking if we could talk, and he replied a few hours later, "Sorry, it's not a good time today, maybe some other day." Then the weekend came around and it was especially difficult since that was the first time in a year that I didn't get to spend the weekend with him.

 

Toward Sunday night I went out to take a walk and couldn't help but text him again, "I hope you had a great weekend. I miss you so much." Never got a reply from him until Monday evening when he received something from me in the mail (I sent him all of our photos as promised) and he said, "Got the pictures in the mail. Thanks so much. I will always cherish them. You will always be in my heart."

 

I really didn't know what to say next.... I really don't want to give up on our relationship without a fight but if he can't think of any options, then there's not much I can do.

[kendahke]

There is nothing to fight for. There is no "us" anymore.

 

He's not budging and is being quite clear with you on that point, so all your fighting will amount to is shadow boxing.

 

Yes, you absolutely have to the no contact if you don't want to end up wallowing in self pity for the foreseeable future.

 

Also, you don't want to lose your grace and dignity and cause him to unzip the lizard on you because you want to have your way and he's already been plain as day that that's not going to happen. What you then start becoming is a pest and that's not a cute look.

 

He's made his position clear--you have to respect it or suffer the consequences when you choose not to and decide to invade his space with your "fighting for us". They may include a pair of orange pajamas courtesy of the county jail depending upon how far you choose to take things. Don't take it there.

 

Gather up your dignity, go through the unpleasant feelings, understand that this time, you can't have your way and you need to let go if you have any chance of getting through this and moving on, which I understand you don't want to do right now, but you really don't have a choice.

[Satu]

There is no, "No Contact Rule," but there is a no contact option.

 

Some people find it very helpful.

 

If you do decide to do it, I recommend this approach:

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

It could be said the more difficult it seems to someone, the more they need to do it.

 

 

Take care.

[d0nnivain]

Your situation is a little bit different. But part of the point of NC is to allow you to heal & move on. You two may want to consider reducing contact.

[Saracena]

In addition to the above posts about the importance healing, which should be the number one priority, going strict NC gives the other person the opportunity to experience life without you and in the process to actually miss you! If you're readily available, this simply isn't possible! Also sitting around pining is never attractive! Sometimes pp only realize/appreciate what they had when it's truly gone!

[Gr8fuln2020]

One of the most sobering things to consider in such matters is that the other person IS NOT as invested as you are no matter what the past may have been like, your ex's current behavior clearly demonstrates that he does not value (or even valued) the relationship as you do.

 

Did this job vs. relationship creep up on you? It would seem to me that if he really wanted to be with you that there would have been some time to think, talk about this before ending it.

[HarmonyDriven]

Hmmm, you sent him all of your photos as promised? Hope you got to keep some....for memories or for dart practice.

 

Lots of great advice in the above posts.

 

When he sends a text that reads "Got the pictures in the mail. Thanks so much. I will always cherish them. You will always be in my heart." He is done. He is trying to be nice.....

 

IMO, you have to accept it is over, move on and NO CONTACT. You have to realize, he is not the right person for you. He never will be. And understand that is ok.....you will be fine. You will get thru this and connect with someone even better. Good luck

[Steve51]

When I broke up with my fiance of 5 years, we continued to have sex for a few weeks until I moved away. We broke up because she cheated but her guilt sex was great.

[stockyoldfrump]

Love the point about realizing that the other party is not invested equally.

 

We like to have this fantasy of a mutual breakup or a semi-mutual breakup. It makes us feel like we've been subjugated to cruel destiny rather than the decision of another human being. We like to think that we're still bonded to our ex through mutual suffering. We like to think they hurt like we do.

 

And certainly there is pain for a dumper, but it's a CHOSEN pain. Which means that the pain they feel is preferable to something else. I know the pain of being dumped and, short of death, I wouldn't really choose it over anything else. There's no job I wouldn't sacrifice, no personal passion I wouldn't give up, no financial hurdle I wouldn't jump or no geographic snafu I wouldn't negotiate to be with the person I really loved. They did choose one or all of those things over you. And, if they loved you like you love them, not a single one would've taken precedence.

 

One of the chief reasons that no contact is healthy is because it IMMEDIATELY removes you from a situation in which there is an unhealthy, demeaning power imbalance. Feeling like you always want more or feel more or lost more than a person with whom you're supposed to share an equal friendship is agonizing, and it's destructive long term. You need to be learn your own value again. You need to learn that you deserve to be a priority... above other women or jobs or goals. To continue with this reinforces the exact opposite, and that's the last thing you need.

 

You know your own situation best, but I think the general rule is that until he comes back with an offer to rethink things in order to make them work, NC is the way to go.

[SammySammy]

I generally live a calm and peaceful life. Breakups are often chaotic for me and no contact helps me to get back to calm and peaceful as quickly as possible.

 

Your breakup was not acrimonious. I don't see a reason you can't be friends.

 

Other than HE seems to need the space. Maybe he's having a more difficult time with it than you know and he needs the time to get centered again.

 

In that case, I don't feel you have a choice but to respect his wishes. If you really love him, let him do what he needs to do to get over it.

 

Reminds me of that old Kahlil Gibran quote:

 

"If you love somebody, let them go. For if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were."

[Chi townD]

This one is going to be hard for you because you are broken up because of different circumstances. That you parted on good terms. So, yeah, I hate to say it, but this is going to be hard for you. But, from what I read with his texted response, it sounds like he is steadfast on this break up decision.

 

Sorry girl, but it's time to move on. However, whenever you're hurting or just really feel the urge to text him. Stop. Take a deep breath. Fire up the computer and come her and post about it. Trust me, people are going to be here to listen and support you. We'll help you get through this.

[ktragers]

So to clear up some confusion here, the reason of our breakup is hard to explain because he's a government worker with security clearances while I'm a foreign national from Asia working in the U.S. at an international organization. Dating is not a problem as long as they report it immediately but marriage is another territory. His superior basically informed him (after he submitted an intent of marriage request with information of me and my family) that this could be a huge red flag that could cost his clearances when he's up for reinvestigation. I guess when you work in certain fields in the government, it's imperative that all of your immediate family members are U.S. citizens.

 

So although it wasn't a final decision per se, he felt like if this is going to be such a big issue, he didn't want to waste my time any longer if we are just going to face the inevitable down the road anyway. So in the end it's just a sad situation that we're both coping with right now.

 

Many people have wondered why he couldn't just take the risk and see what happens.... maybe things would be fine. I can explain it but it's going to be a long answer. So to that I'll say that it's a combination of a lot of things (and I don't mean it in a bad way).... his constant struggle with decisions and life choices, his lack of confidence in himself in general, his lack of skills and the whole belief that this line of work is all he can do and he'd be nothing without it, etc. Please know that these are not just "excuses" I made up for him; they are all legit scenarios with his personality and background. I guess I could say that if I were going through this with another person with more guts and more marketable skills, things might have turned out a little bit differently.

Edited August 3, 2017 by ktragers

[aceclarity]

Yes, you should do No Contact and it's definitely for your own healing.

 

I've also only recently been dumped and went on voluntary NC (didn't tell him) although he made it clear that we can still be friends and I could still call him and confide in him. At first, I thought it was impossible to go cold turkey. But as I continue thinking about all possible responses or situations I would put myself in if I continue contact, I know I wll achieve nothing besides prolonging the agony, coming off as pathetic, needy, or annoying, and there's no way any of his future responses (that arent toward reconciliation) will make me feel any better, and thT they will just make me feel worse.

 

Do it for yourself. Trust me. It is hard, definitely, but it's better than the pathetic state continued contact will thrust you in.

 

I'm now in 6th week NC (not hoping to hear from him again) and I seriously had nonidea I could make it this far without contact. Hard, very, but still doable and worth it.