country gal Posted August 9, 2005 Posted August 9, 2005 I'm looking for some thoughts on this..... I had been with my boyfriend for what would have been 1 year this past weekend. A few months ago, my feelings started to change for him and about 2 months ago, they really began to change and I began to realize that he is not the right man for me. What I feel for him is complete love and respect, but in a 'best friend' sort of way. I love being around him. I think he is one of the greatest people I've ever known and should I have chosen a life with him, it would be very stable, secure, and good.... we have a great time together and great conversation .... but I'm not attracted to him (and there are some other smaller things too but thats irrelevant). I dont like the thought of him touching me and we've barely been physical for months - and I'm a very sensual person! The problem is twofold. 1. the major landslide in our relationship has coincided with the return of my ex in my life. now, nothing has happened with us, nor do i think that would be a good idea... but he and I have great chemistry. it just seems that everything about my ex highlights everything that my boyfriend cannot provide for me that I need. This makes me feel guilty b/c everyone around me can see the chemistry I have with this man (who is also a family friend) and they blame our downfall on him, which is partly the case although I believe this would all have come to a head with or wihtout his presense .... and 2. I feel as though my 'reason' for not wanting to be with my ex isnt enough... I mean, was anyone ever with someone who came so close to being what you wanted but wasnt it - and isnt that something we all have to accept, that noone will be everything for us?? anyway, I broke it off with him and feel like a complete a**hole for it. he's taking it extremely hard too, and I hate it.
francis Posted August 9, 2005 Posted August 9, 2005 This is really insightful and I do think you have done the right thing. Almost doesnt count. As long as you feel that there is something lacking in your relationship that is 'unresolvable', to keep your boyfriend in that relationship with you is unfair, no matter how much he is hurting right now. I think you did the right thing coz in the long run, you saved him his time, energy and love, for someone else who is as into him as he is into them. No relationship is perfect, but its best not to string anyone along under false pretences. That is making a fool and a mockery out of him. Having been on the other side, as in, in your ex's position, could I ask you to do one thing, for his own good? Dont contact him, dont ask him to be your friend, just leave him alone to grieve and mend without your help. Coz he will recover a lot quicker that way, no matter how guilty you feel. Cut yourself off from him now. That is the most selfless thing you can do.
Author country gal Posted August 9, 2005 Author Posted August 9, 2005 thanks for your insight, francis. I know you are right about the no contact thing and that is definately going to be the hardest part of it all because I care about him so much and he is my best friend. These things are so frickin sh*tty, my friend.
francis Posted August 9, 2005 Posted August 9, 2005 the worst thing you could do is to give him any hope of a reconciliation... i clung on to words like 'its the best thing for now' and 'its because i care about you so much' and 'its important that we stay in touch' and 'i still think about you, care about you, see things that reminds me of you' blah blah blah... just be fair and let him get on with his life, get used to being without you, because you both want different things now. that is the crucial thing. expecting him to be your friend is a bit too much to ask of him right now and you gotta understand that. be kind and cut yourself off. i hope it works out for you
vix Posted August 9, 2005 Posted August 9, 2005 Hi Country Gal. This is a bit of a different reply to the ones you've had & whilst i don't want to confuse you, i guess i've got to tell my story. I was with my ex for 4 years & whilst great at the start, I ended up doubting my feelings for him, saw him only as a friend & didn't find him attractive anymore. I ended the relationship & whilst i felt ok, he was gutted. We stayed friends over the next year & a half, i saw a couple of people but when i found out he'd started seeing someone after 14months, the realisation hit me - i'd made a huge mistake & wanted to spend the rest of my life with him as he was in fact, everything i wanted. I told him how i felt & after 2 months he came back. Things were great at first but then within the space of 3 months it was over. He gave lots of reasons, with one of the main ones being that he couldn't forget the past & how hurt he was when i walked away & he couldn't risk the same happening again. Its been 2 months now & its still hard. We're back in contact, it hasn't been easy & i'm still hoping that given time, he'll forget/forgive the past & come back. What i'm trying to say is that although you know how you feel at the moment & that you've made the right decision, don't be surprised if your feelings change. I never thought mine would but I was wrong, so be prepared as it hit me quite badly. Good luck
Author country gal Posted August 9, 2005 Author Posted August 9, 2005 Thanks vix.... believe me that is my biggest fear. but everyone I've talked to has said that that isnt good enough reason to stay. I hope I'm not making a mistake but I dont think that I am. Thanks for the luck.... I think I'll need it!
westernxer Posted August 9, 2005 Posted August 9, 2005 Don't feel bad... if he doesn't cut it, he doesn't cut it. At least you're not stringing him along. Did you ever get over your ex? Sounds like you still had something for him. Oh well, desire and feelings are totally irrational, but that's life. I hope he doesn't settle for friendship, because it's a slow death, knowing you don't want to be with him romantically. I ended a relationship when a girl did this to me... basically, her feelings changed, so I cut her off immediately, if only to save myself. She had some issues and never got over her ex, so I did her a favor and ended whatever it was we shared. Friendship was out of the question... that's what buddies are for. Don't be surprised if your feelings about the current dude change down the line, and don't be disappointed if he doesn't take you back. You made your decision, so stick to it, even if it bites you in the ass. I'm sure you'll be fine though, especially if he's a sucker.
Author country gal Posted August 9, 2005 Author Posted August 9, 2005 well, westernexer, there are still feelings there for my ex - something that i found completely shocking b/c i thought that i was over him (he had done the breaking up - long story short, i was a rebound after his 4 year tumultuous relationship). unfortunately he still has strong feelings for me which he told me straight away. i've been very upfront with him about whats going on with me and about needing him to keep his distance. i think i've been pretty clear that even if i were to break up with my boyfriend (which, as you know, has now come to pass) that i have every intention of being single for quite a while and he's been very understanding, although i can still see his intentions. as far as my current, i've taken all of these things into account. i realize that if i were to suddenly change my mind (which is very unlike me, by the way - i've yet to reverse a decision), that it would be incredibly unlikely that he would take me back. i really truly wish that friendship were an option and maybe i'm still kind of hoping, but i'll accept whatever makes his life easier, which is likely my not being in it.
westernxer Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 Ultimately, when it comes to loving someone, you've gotta do what makes you happy. The end result can be painful, but nobody said life was fair. It's inevitable that people are going to hurt, just like it's inevitable that the sun will rise and set each and every day. Pain makes us wise, or bitter, depending on our how we respond to setbacks. As long as you're not deceiving anyone, you should be fine. But that's really none of my business...
vix Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 Hi again Country Gal The reason my feelings changed about my ex was because of the contact that we still had & without the ongoing contact, maybe i'd never have regretted walking away. I genuinely wanted to keep the friendship going but as I've since found out, he wanted to keep the contact/friendship going with the hope that we'd work things out. My ex says the following year after the break-up was awful because as much as he wanted to speak to me, he hated the fact that he knew that i was moving on & his feelings weren't changing. As difficult as it might be, try to cut/stop contact because it will only keep the hopes of your ex going. You've done the right thing in walking away & as much as you don't want to hurt him & loose the friendship, he'll respect what you've done in the long-run.
Author country gal Posted August 10, 2005 Author Posted August 10, 2005 thanks all... i still feel like crap but it'll get better i know. i just keep telling myself that i did the right thing and he'll get over it. anyway your advice has been very helpful... much appreciated. CG
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