New Relationship damaged/Cheated on/Always scared

[Starlightsfall]

I was in a relationship for a little over 4 years however, started being treated pretty badly by someone who was unfaithful. They would call me names, talk poorly of me to relatives and family early on. Tell me I wasn't good enough, acting repulsive, uncaring and treated me second to everyone they encountered. Before being in a relationship with him, I knew there were signs of previous infidelity. I thought that people could change and I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He had pictures of his ex still on his FB, in addition to another girl who he was obsessed with.

 

There were pictures of her pinned to his poster board, a card from her wedding and posts of her reminiscing about their past together. Sad posts from his ex that he showed me of her expressing how hurt she was "You guys look happy together, I guess we were not good enough." to a picture of his arm around the other girl. This was her best friend who he had oral sex with when they took time to process things within their relationship. (This was told to me) He was still single 3 years later and had a box full of his ex's stuff. Taking a nap, when I was on the computer he woke up and said "I had a terrible dream, that I cheated on you with someone." I looked at him with concern and asked if this was going to be a problem..he said no.

 

After years together of crying, torture and pleading for a deeper connection I caught signs of him fooling around behind my back. Text messages from a co-worker sending him pictures of herself, cum stained boxers and sheets, platinum hair around the house (I have dark hair btw) and in our bedroom. Him jumping into the shower immediately after work and acting silent towards me during our off time. The first time I found out about her was when he came in the shower and said "I was invited to dinner with this girl's Father, you can come along.." When asking further about his story it changed to "She invited you.." When I got up the morning to meet this girl, he told me the time changed and to go back to sleep, so I did.. Waking up I saw a text message sent to her saying "Ugh my gf took too long to get ready, sorry I have to cancel we will meet though for sure." When I did meet her during an event they seemed very close, always walking side by side together. When he got up to use the bathroom, she did so as well. She also did not like me and acted as though I was an outsider..

 

Whenever I brought up this girl as a concern calmly he would freak out and say "She is a sweet girl and has done nothing wrong! She is better than you and hasn't done anything to deserve this!" I would sit in the bed with my my hands covered over my eyes bawling, feeling so low than I ever could. Eventually he started coming home late and as the hours flew by, our connection seemed to disappear. He wouldn't talk to me, if I said anything it was to the back of his head. He would leave E-cig bottles that spelled "Mistress" laying around the house, would play the piano and songs about infidelity. It was utter torture and my Family had enough of it, asking me to move back home. Eventually I confronted him and things broke off, he then said "I want to bring her here, so you know I was faithful.." we ended up in a huge blowout fight. Also his Sister in law expressed to me similar things that his Brother was doing and how unhappy SHE was as well after being married. (Strange) Since they are Brothers they acted the same way..I didn't know till she pulled me into a room to talk about those feelings.

 

I responded "Do not bring her here or I cannot guarantee what I'll be capable of."

After things ended, I still had to live with this person who would come home from work late hours, hop into the shower MOANING right after and sending me into a mess. I felt like I would never escape.. Why I stayed was false hope and that was the most stupidest thing I could had ever done. Things ended when my Family took me into their home, told me to leave with them and helped me pack. I would not be able to do so on my own and they caught me when I fell, it was like ripping off an old band-aid covering an infection. Months later/almost a year, I've been dating and getting to know people before I met my current. He is very sweet, kind heart and would never do anything like mentioned above. He wants babies, marriage and is wanting to start a future with me. He makes me smile ear from ear... I however, am still suffering from problems from being cheated on.

 

If girls look at him or he looks at them I get very offensive, jealous and upset that he is looking for the next best thing. "Why look if you have something you want? Is it because you can't have them and if you could, would you leave?" I over think a lot and constantly have these thoughts crossing my head than ever before.

(Its been almost a year since it happened) I'll look for any and all signs of infidelity from music that they listen to, girls that like his photos, perverted past posts, anything and everything that looks remotely unfaithful. Whenever we get close and talk about children, I yank away and start looking for signs. I'll bring up some slutty girl liking his photos and make a huge deal out of it, asking if it is a past date or someone he had a relationship with. He says I am crazy, that he hates me during fights and tells me to seek help. Last night we almost broke up when he said "I think I want a break.." When saying that meant breakup he changed his mind and said "no I don't want to breakup, just a break.." To me that is breakup and after that was said, he stated he wants to continue and not have us end. He said you can see another guy then.. He thought I was being unfaithful, given the way I was acting and I thought the same of him. When he gets upset, there will be things said that he doesn't mean and as things calmed down I asked "Why did you say you hated me then? Why be together?"

 

He followed up with "I actually love you and I imagined what our kids would be like today when walking around the store. I want you to get help, you should find a doctor or therapist.." I then ride on him wanting a break and said "It doesn't sound like you want a relationship and that you want a break, if that is the case then why continue? I don't want to see another guy and I'm not being unfaithful." This is driving me crazy and making it hard to connect to someone new. I want the ability to let go of the past, be happy and not worry about every ****ing thing. I'm scared though, terrified of being cheated on as it was the worse feeling I've had to deal with. It is destroying my new relationship and these feelings come roaring in that cause me to always be on the lookout for signs. What can I do? What would you say?

Edited July 31, 2017 by Starlightsfall

[d0nnivain]

Your EX did a number on you that is for sure. You didn't take enough time to process the demise of that relationship before you were out dating again. You were & are more raw & vulnerable then you understand.

 

Your current guy is right that you could benefit from some professional help.

 

That doesn't mean he's good for you. He's moving too fast. It's way too soon in your interaction for marriage & children, even the conversations but you were so relieved to find somebody who wasn't the horror show that your EX was, you didn't take heed of the danger signs here. Again, had you taken proper time to analyze all the thinks you needed to learn after your ordeal.

 

Take some time for yourself. Heal. Self soothe. Figure out what you want, outside of a relationship. Think about who you are as a person & who you want to be. Then take steps to achieve that.