Zahara Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 I figured he should at least let me know he's busy. In which case, I'd totally back off and let him catch up. It just seems like with today's relationships if you're not in constant contact then it's a bad sign. Especially with how often people are on their phones. There is no such thing as busy. In a stretch of four days he had time to do everything under the sun but send you one text that takes seconds to construct. Busy is never an excuse. You don't have to stay in constant contact. But when you are dating someone and claim to be falling in love, the least you can do is acknowledge a simple text. So what do you suggest? Not text him at all anymore? I don't see why he would say he'd call me and wants to see me if he doesn't. And then laughed it off like I was being crazy. And just to add, my hormones are raging right now. I'm close to that time of the month and I have PMDD. So maybe I am being crazy. But he could still be courteous and just send ONE frikkin text. Stop contacting him. This is not a good sign. Pay attention to the bold. He's gaslighting you. 1
CollegeKid101 Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 What is gaslighting? manipulating you and making you think you're the crazy one. He's making you question your own reality in order to have power over you. He's not serious about you, cut the cord. 1
Author minou23 Posted August 1, 2017 Author Posted August 1, 2017 He could possibly be doing that but I think it's a little extreme to say he's trying to make me think I'm crazy. He never said I was crazy he just kinda laughed about it. And it was over text and we have a language barrier. So I'm not gonna jump to that conclusion.
Lorenza Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 He could possibly be doing that but I think it's a little extreme to say he's trying to make me think I'm crazy. He never said I was crazy he just kinda laughed about it. And it was over text and we have a language barrier. So I'm not gonna jump to that conclusion. He's making you doubt yourself. And it seems that it's working. 1
Author minou23 Posted August 1, 2017 Author Posted August 1, 2017 I doubt myself either way. That's why I come on here. My friends tell me I overreact sometimes. I'm just not gonna text him anymore. I can't force him to want to talk to me.
smackie9 Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 What is gaslighting? Is a form of diversion. He is diverting attention away from himself and his s%^&* behavior. The other poster is right...is a form of manipulation which in it's own right a form of emotional abuse. gas·light ˈɡaslīt/ verb gerund or present participle: gaslighting manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.
spiderowl Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 Long silences are never a good sign. No guy who is keen on you will leave it long before contacting you. Yes, he might have been p**d off because it was hard to make contact with you while you were away. That could have led to a misunderstanding where he felt you didn't care, but he should be responding now if he is interested. If a guy leaves it more than 18 hours to contact you when you are supposedly boyfriend/girlfriend, he is not that keen. A guy who is interested will be making sure you remember him and that no-one else gets the chance to snap you up. Long gaps usually mean he is busy with someone else. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 Eh, the bottom line is he easily could have replied to you message at some point, long before he did. Sorry but I don't think you're over-reacting to this one, OP. It takes 10 seconds to type a message. He didn't bother to even acknowledge you until days later. Not good. 1
Author minou23 Posted August 2, 2017 Author Posted August 2, 2017 So I want to give an update... so he stopped replying to my messages again but he read my Instagram story and replied to that around noon. All he sent was the tongue face emoji. I ignored it. So then I thought ok maybe he was just busy. So I texted him like a couple hours later saying I wanted to see him and he didn't read my message until like 3 am. So I think he was out partying or with friends. But why would he ignore my texts but write me on Instagram?? Anyway I just texted him right now saying I was done. I don't know what happened but I won't be texting or calling him anymore. That he got what he wanted and congrats. Was he playing games? I don't think this whole time he's with another woman. I mean non stop for 3 or 4 days now? I'm kinda thinking he wanted to test me or make me jealous or something. My friend said a guy did this to her once and he told her he wanted her to prove her love for him. Psycho. Do you think it's something similar? I mean why else give me mixed signals? I gave him the opportunity to say he didn't want to be with me anymore or ignore me completely but he didn't. He said he wanted to see me. Then when I stop texting I get the Instagram message. So wtf.
Redhead14 Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 So I want to give an update... so he stopped replying to my messages again but he read my Instagram story and replied to that around noon. All he sent was the tongue face emoji. I ignored it. So then I thought ok maybe he was just busy. So I texted him like a couple hours later saying I wanted to see him and he didn't read my message until like 3 am. So I think he was out partying or with friends. But why would he ignore my texts but write me on Instagram?? Anyway I just texted him right now saying I was done. I don't know what happened but I won't be texting or calling him anymore. That he got what he wanted and congrats. Was he playing games? I don't think this whole time he's with another woman. I mean non stop for 3 or 4 days now? I'm kinda thinking he wanted to test me or make me jealous or something. My friend said a guy did this to her once and he told her he wanted her to prove her love for him. Psycho. Do you think it's something similar? I mean why else give me mixed signals? I gave him the opportunity to say he didn't want to be with me anymore or ignore me completely but he didn't. He said he wanted to see me. Then when I stop texting I get the Instagram message. So wtf. He's just giving you enough to make you think he's "still there". What you do now is ghost him. Do not respond to reach out to him ever again. He's an immature idiot if he's trying to bait you into professing your undying love and chase him. Let it die.
Author minou23 Posted August 2, 2017 Author Posted August 2, 2017 Ok final update. He finally responded. He said he was so sorry and didn't know what to say other than that he's not ready for a relationship. I was like why'd you say all those things to me? How I'm like the best thing to ever happen to him and all that stuff he said. And he's the one that pushed for a relationship. Then he said again that he's so sorry. Doesn't know what to say. He's not ready and he's not with anyone else. That I'm an amazing person and he really really likes me. I didn't respond because if he did he would make time for me. He'd want to be with me. I'm hurt but I'm over giving him power over me. So I'm just gonna move on now. Thanks for all the input guys! It helped me to see other perspectives and make a decision I don't regret.
Miss Spider Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 I'm no psychologist but he sounds like a narc from what I've read around here. I'm sorry you had the misfortune of meeting a guy like this. Take care and find someone who cares about you and doesn't play games
clia Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 I'm sorry, OP. It's not uncommon for men to rush headlong into things and then go cold at around the 2-3 month mark. That's why it's so important to pace the relationship. You said you were spending 5 days a week together. IMO, that's too much, too soon. 2
smackie9 Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 I have an inkling he F'd up one night, got drunk and cheated. He was pondering what his next move was...to tell you what happened or to lie or to get out of it with some BS excuse. He chose the cowards way out to avoid the repercussions. If he was truly not wanting a relationship he would have told you up front. To me there is a REAL reason why he wanted out, it's just too much of a coincidence he flakes on you when you got back.....he was up to something. This kind of thing happened to me. It took me a few months to finally find out what happened. Total coward he was.
Author minou23 Posted August 2, 2017 Author Posted August 2, 2017 I have an inkling he F'd up one night, got drunk and cheated. He was pondering what his next move was...to tell you what happened or to lie or to get out of it with some BS excuse. He chose the cowards way out to avoid the repercussions. If he was truly not wanting a relationship he would have told you up front. To me there is a REAL reason why he wanted out, it's just too much of a coincidence he flakes on you when you got back.....he was up to something. This kind of thing happened to me. It took me a few months to finally find out what happened. Total coward he was. Did he tell you or did you just piece it together? And how long were you dating? I'm sorry that happened to you! I kinda thought something similar and I told my friend and she said that's dumb he didn't have to tell me. He could have lied and I would have never found out.
Author minou23 Posted August 2, 2017 Author Posted August 2, 2017 I'm sorry, OP. It's not uncommon for men to rush headlong into things and then go cold at around the 2-3 month mark. That's why it's so important to pace the relationship. You said you were spending 5 days a week together. IMO, that's too much, too soon. Why do they do that?? He was the one always wanting to hang out. It wasn't just me. And every time I tried to leave he'd get me to stay for hours longer. He never wanted me to go. I never had such a hard time saying goodbye to anyone. We'd kiss for like 30 mins then I'd have to be like ok bye and hurry off so he didn't pull me back. It's so confusing! And I'm really heartbroken. I'm out with my friend in his neck of the woods, or beach rather. I wanted to go to the beach and he lives sorta close to the nicest one. I didn't think it would bother me but I'm trying hard not to cry sometimes. Of course my friend wanted to go to his favorite cafe too. Ugh.
Author minou23 Posted August 2, 2017 Author Posted August 2, 2017 I'm no psychologist but he sounds like a narc from what I've read around here. I'm sorry you had the misfortune of meeting a guy like this. Take care and find someone who cares about you and doesn't play games What do you mean narc ?
Author minou23 Posted August 2, 2017 Author Posted August 2, 2017 What do you mean narc ? Ohhh nevermind you mean narcissist! Haha I was thinking like a rat or something. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 I have an inkling he F'd up one night, got drunk and cheated. He was pondering what his next move was...to tell you what happened or to lie or to get out of it with some BS excuse. He chose the cowards way out to avoid the repercussions. If he was truly not wanting a relationship he would have told you up front. To me there is a REAL reason why he wanted out, it's just too much of a coincidence he flakes on you when you got back.....he was up to something. This kind of thing happened to me. It took me a few months to finally find out what happened. Total coward he was. It's happened to me to, years ago now. That's why my first thought regarding OP's situation was: he's behaved badly and knows he can't continue. 1
Author minou23 Posted August 2, 2017 Author Posted August 2, 2017 I'm so sorry for you too! :/ I think most people on here have dealt with some sh*tty situations and that's why we're here. At least we can find solace in knowing we're not the only ones! Btw, he commented on my Instagram story again
spiderowl Posted August 3, 2017 Posted August 3, 2017 (edited) You know I actually think it's fairly normal for a guy to start wondering what he is getting involved with after an exciting and intense start. He has spent a lot of time with you because he wanted to. In that situation, most people would start to feel they are losing themselves in the relationship and feel a need to step back. He may even have had an impulsive moment and got a bit too close to someone else on a casual basis. He is probably confused. Messing you about is not on and he knows it. I do think though that if you left him alone, got on with your life and ignored him, he'd probably be back. If he likes you as much as he seems to, then unless he is one of those guys who just moves from one fast-paced relationship to another, he will remember and miss you. If he is confused and wondering if he's getting in too deep (and you are naturally cross with him for abandoning you without explanation), then he is going to be worried about getting in touch. He knows you are upset now. Quite honestly, I don't think you have anything to lose at this point. You could text him and say you are not ready for a relationship either but think you need to do your own thing for a while. Then just leave it at that. It takes the 'relationship' pressure off him while he sorts out his feelings. It leaves you with dignity and it leaves an possible opening for him when he has sorted himself out. I would not pay any attention to the little things, like 'likes' or 'tagging' on photos, but just go on without him and basically move on. I'm sure once the pressure is off, he is going to start missing you. He may then try to tentatively get your attention to test the waters. If you want this guy, then I would wait until he does more and makes some definite move to meet up. If he does, be very cautious about agreeing to anything. Stay elusive and non-committal. He should have to earn your trust again. If he really wants you, he will have to step up his game and 'court' you. He may not do any of this, of course, but I have a feeling that he is in 'relationship panic mode' and needs to ground himself to find his equilibrium. He will not have bargained on losing you though. Edited August 3, 2017 by spiderowl 1
Scarlett.O'hara Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 I'm so sorry for you too! :/ I think most people on here have dealt with some sh*tty situations and that's why we're here. At least we can find solace in knowing we're not the only ones! Btw, he commented on my Instagram story again My take on the situation is that he is lying and is seeing/sleeping with someone else. This guy is going to keep messing with your head if you don't block contact. Don't be the "back up" girl. You can do better. 1
Author minou23 Posted August 5, 2017 Author Posted August 5, 2017 You know I actually think it's fairly normal for a guy to start wondering what he is getting involved with after an exciting and intense start. He has spent a lot of time with you because he wanted to. In that situation, most people would start to feel they are losing themselves in the relationship and feel a need to step back. He may even have had an impulsive moment and got a bit too close to someone else on a casual basis. He is probably confused. Messing you about is not on and he knows it. I do think though that if you left him alone, got on with your life and ignored him, he'd probably be back. If he likes you as much as he seems to, then unless he is one of those guys who just moves from one fast-paced relationship to another, he will remember and miss you. If he is confused and wondering if he's getting in too deep (and you are naturally cross with him for abandoning you without explanation), then he is going to be worried about getting in touch. He knows you are upset now. Quite honestly, I don't think you have anything to lose at this point. You could text him and say you are not ready for a relationship either but think you need to do your own thing for a while. Then just leave it at that. It takes the 'relationship' pressure off him while he sorts out his feelings. It leaves you with dignity and it leaves an possible opening for him when he has sorted himself out. I would not pay any attention to the little things, like 'likes' or 'tagging' on photos, but just go on without him and basically move on. I'm sure once the pressure is off, he is going to start missing you. He may then try to tentatively get your attention to test the waters. If you want this guy, then I would wait until he does more and makes some definite move to meet up. If he does, be very cautious about agreeing to anything. Stay elusive and non-committal. He should have to earn your trust again. If he really wants you, he will have to step up his game and 'court' you. He may not do any of this, of course, but I have a feeling that he is in 'relationship panic mode' and needs to ground himself to find his equilibrium. He will not have bargained on losing you though. You're so positive! Even if this is not the case it's nice to hear a different perspective that doesn't involve cheating so thanks for that! I know that's typically the case (cheating) but I don't think for the time we were together (before I was on vacation) that there was anyone else. It seems impossible with how often we were together and how often we "made love" as he called it. He would say I'm better than his exes and make him feel like he's 21 again lol and he's never felt this way about anyone. I believed it though because it felt natural and he showed me with his actions how much he liked me. He liked another one of my posts after you wrote this. It's like he's playing games and all my friends think so. Or he's trying to get my attention. I don't know how to respond to what he's doing so I'm not commenting back or Anything. I had a talk with my friend and she said something very similar to what you said. She said if he comes back he has to come back a better man. Which I agree. Ugh I'm so heartbroken. But I'm gonna go out tonight and get all dolled up. I think it'll make me feel better if even temporarily. I want to text him but I'm afraid he's gonna ignore me or not care. Or maybe it's too soon? And I'll admit, I've been pretending to be super happy on social media but what girl doesn't?
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