Stressing about past mistakes.

[rie39]

Hello all.

I'm really trying to improve myself and change my ways so I don't keep getting into relationship / dating problems. I've been stressing out a LOT lately about this and need some feedback!

 

I've identified that there was something I did wrong in my past relationship and want help to avoid doing it again and know how I could've made the better choice.

 

I just broke up with my recent boyfriend (GUY B). After receiving some counselling I realised where we went wrong. On one hand, he was too judgemental and controlling, and kept bringing up my past (e.g. he wasn't happy I'd been with a guy before him, that I talked to my ex still (I explain that later, read below). And one thing he said really hurt me: that he didn't want to put efforts into me because he thought that my choice in the guy before him wasn't great. He didn't want to be with someone who easily chooses to be with anyone. To be with anyone just because they show affection for me. He was insecure and wanted to feel he'd be more special than any other guy, especially because he was religious and felt sad he wouldn't be able to give me certain things the first guy did, like taking my virginity. I recognised I shouldn't be with someone who makes me feel bad about my mistakes and points them out too much.

 

 

What I need help with:

 

On the other hand, I also screwed up because AFTER I started talking to him, I started to have feelings for my first ex again (GUY A), and I started talking to both guys at the same time and liking both. Guy B came into my life only soon after I broke up with Guy A. I was fine after the break-up, and liked the new guy more and more, but 3 months later I saw my ex and started having feelings for him again.

 

I know it was wrong to speak to both at the same time, and I understand that Guy B can't trust me from it. I understand it contributed to his insecurity. But I'm stressed because I don't know what I should have done? Because one person told me that if I started getting involved with Guy B I shouldn't have tried anything with my ex again... But also what about the idea that I shouldn't have gotten involved with Guy B so soon after breaking up with my ex. Agh.

 

I really genuinely did not know who I wanted more. And I didn't want to move onto someone new right away, but I really really started to like Guy B naturally. Guy B had qualities Guy lacked in that I absolutely loved, he excited me more and adored me more, was more ambitious and studious, but I felt scared of making the wrong choice and because Guy A was the only boyfriend I'd had so naturally felt maybe he was the one and felt so used to being with him for many years. And I'd only just known Guy B so couldn't trust it fully to work out with him. Someone told me to forgive myself for finding it so hard to let go of my first boyfriend.

___

 

Another thing that I'm stressing about is that I've identified now that in the past I tried too hard to be with someone and would often go on dating websites. I'd go from meeting one person to the next! Then I met my first boyfriend (on the dating website), but too quickly (desperate to have a boyfriend maybe? and he was showing me he really wanted me). Then when we broke up I'd go back on the dating site to move on (couldn't move on without finding someone new)! I don't want to do that anymore, meeting guys that way and so quickly instead of slowly in real life, but how do I get over feeling bad I was once like that. I want to focus on myself and actually meeting someone in real life, and taking it slow.

 

I feel like I'm easy and just go for guys who show any affection, but I don't know if that's my recent ex's words hammered into me. I'm at a point where I'm really stressing and self hating and need advice to stop feeling this way and know how to improve :/.

Edited July 31, 2017 by rie39

[CloudyHead]

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Let the past go. We have all made bad choices and mistakes in life so don't be so hard on yourself. You do need to learn from mistakes and experiences so that you don't keep repeating the same behavior that results in you making choices that are not best for you. I think you are having relationships so you won't be alone. I also think you need to focus on yourself and you be the source of your happiness in life because only you can do that - a boyfriend cannot.

[d0nnivain]

Therapy might help.

 

If that is not an option you still need to work on your self esteem. Read some self help books. Make lists of your good qualities & believe that you are a quality person.

 

Put Guy B & his negativity out of your head. He was a controlling jerk & you mustn't believe what he said about you being "too easy" to fall for guys.

 

Going forward be pickier. Don't like some guy just because he likes you. You don't need a relationship to complete yourself. Like a guy because you find him attractive & exhibits qualities you admire & because he works to be with you.

 

Stay off the dating sites for a while. Work on yourself. Exercise. Take a class. Throw yourself into your work & your hobbies. Get some balance in here.

[OatsAndHall]

The past is the past and I would suggest that you use it all as a learning experience. I don't view each of my "failed" relationships as a "failure"; I view them as a way to grow and move on. There is a reason why the relationships ended; sometimes I did damage to them in some way, sometimes they did and, more often than not, it was a combination of both.

 

As has been pointed out, I would let Guy B go. It's one thing to be upset and insecure about an ex if you were still in contact but to judge because of your "choice" in Guy A shows immaturity and insecurity. This isn't healthy for a relationship, by any means.

 

Some things I would take away from the situation, if I were in your shoes:

 

1. Stay away from dating for awhile. I think it will become a vicious cycle for you. You'll go from one relationship to another and each one will essentially be a rebound from the last. That is VERY easy to do with OLD as you can set up date after date with ease and fall into the same traps.

 

2. As has been pointed out, work on yourself and your own life, free of a relationship. Yes, a quality relationship will add a lot to your life but a so-so or negative one will be stressful and detract from your well-being. Over the last two years, I realized that my serious relationships over the last seven years haven't contributed to my emotional or physical health in a positive manner. In fact, they have been fairly detrimental in many ways.

 

3. Once you feel more comfortable in your own skin and start dating again, pay attention to red-flags. It seems like you gave Guy B the benefit of the doubt too often and you ended up in an unhealthy relationship. This has been my MO over the years; I find someone who I click with on some level but I overlook red-flags because I am a bit too forgiving of behavior that I bothers me at times. I realized that some of this is due to co-dependence issues which is NOT a good thing.

 

So, again, don't beat yourself up over things. Keep moving forward, enjoy your life and learn from your experiences. It's easier said than done but you'll be happier in the end.

[rie39]

Thanks so much to you three for giving me that advice!

 

Does anyone have advice on this section that I wrote in my first post:

 

"But I'm stressed because I don't know what I should have done? Because one person told me that if I started getting involved with Guy B I shouldn't have tried anything with my ex again... But also what about the idea that I shouldn't have gotten involved with Guy B so soon after breaking up with my ex. Agh. "

 

But also i do feel that my past choices were made from the knowledge, experiences, feelings I had at the time and maybe it's pointless to wonder about acting differently because I couldn't have...

[umirano]

The best course of action would have been to not jump immediately into a new relationship simply to fill the gap. You're right, however, you made the decision to the best of your knowledge and experience at the time. You have now learned, like we all do eventually, that it's better to wait and sort oneself out before entering new, committed and serious relationships.

 

Be patient and things will fall into place.

[Tribble]

Thanks so much to you three for giving me that advice!

 

Does anyone have advice on this section that I wrote in my first post:

 

"But I'm stressed because I don't know what I should have done? Because one person told me that if I started getting involved with Guy B I shouldn't have tried anything with my ex again... But also what about the idea that I shouldn't have gotten involved with Guy B so soon after breaking up with my ex. Agh. "

 

But also i do feel that my past choices were made from the knowledge, experiences, feelings I had at the time and maybe it's pointless to wonder about acting differently because I couldn't have...

 

At the end of the day, you did what you did and you shouldn't stress about it because there's nothing that you can do about it now. Instead of stressing, try to figure out why you did what you did and what you can do in the future to prevent it from happening again.

 

Sooo much easier said than done though! I have a terrible track record with my love life and seem to make mistake after mistake. Trying to see those 'mistakes' as lessons is a shift in my own mindset that I am struggling with at the moment. So not sure how much help I can be, only to say, you are not alone in thinking and behaving this way!